@i-freaking-lo_ove-me

Chapters read: Chapters 1 - 3

Title:
The title is pretty good. It's not super attention grabbing but I don't think it's too mainstream.

Cover: 8.5/10
The cover does it's job, it lets me know the type of story it's going to be. It's simple and clean, I like it! The only thing I'd say is the "Finding You" is a teensy bit hard to read because of the girl's hair.

Blurb: 7/10
I really like that you start with a question but I feel like the question could be more powerful. It doesn't really pack much of a punch.

The blurb is short and my advice for short blurbs is always the same: Every line needs to work.

Maybe instead of "she doesn't know what she('s) signed up for" you can say "she has no clue what she('s) signed up for" Little things like that just to add a bit more pizzazz.

I like the "rude, self-centered, obnoxious" bit but maybe "rude, self-centered, and exactly what she needs?" That is definitely a suggestion so just something for you to think about.

I really like the last line but it seems a bit disconnected as it didn't seem like Daesyn needed to find herself which is why I suggested the change above. Even if you don't use that I think you need to find an avenue to that last line so it's not as detached.

So yeah my advice for this whole blurb is just flesh it out, be more poetic, use stronger words because right now it does it's job but there's no WOW factor.

Miscellaneous:
I think the bit about how to pronounce Daesyn and Caelum could be in the author's note.

Opening paragraph: 8/10
See CHAPTER ONE below.

Punctuation and grammar: 7/10
I tried to point of whatever mistakes I saw and I say 7 because they weren't a lot of different mistakes just many of the same mistakes which I think is easier to fix.

You were very consistent with your tenses though so well done with that!

Plot: 8/10
To me the plot is progressing very well. She's already become friends with Emery and met Caelum so I think it's developing well.

Pacing: 10/10
The pacing is very good! It didn't feel rushed and I didn't get bored at any time so well done with that!!

Characters: 9/10
Now Daesyn is great! She's displayed well, her character is very clear to me, you did a brilliant job with her!! (My only problem is the no one understands me thing which I felt was just too cliche especially as we had seen no evidence of it). That aside, Daesyn is very well-written!

Caelum is good too, you do a good job showing how little Daesyn knows him and therefore how confusing he is.

Emery seems very nice but I can't really judge yet.

I think Cole was also very well-written despite his short appearance and Emery's mom too. I really like how I can already see so much of their personality despite their short appearances so well done!

Creativity: 6.5/10
Now falling for the bad boy loner is nothing new but Daesyn being Emery's friend FIRST is an interesting little twist although it does lead to the my best friend's brother trope xD I'm sure you have many more twists and turns and so far the story isn't too cliche to me, although there is still room for more creativity.

Daesyn and Caelum's names bump it to a 6.5 for me xD

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I really enjoyed it to be honest, I will be reading on. I like your writing style, I like how clear Daesyn's voice is for me and it's interesting for me to see your take on this trope. Well done so far! I can't wait to read on😁

CHAPTER ONE

For your opening chapter, in terms of being a hook it's not much BUT I feel like I can already hear Daesyn's voice so well done with that!

And dialogue tags! YES! Thank you!!

I really like the bit that says "It was Cole, of course" as it shows the familiarity already, even though we haven't met Cole.

"You see, Cole Adler was your typical highschool jock, 6'1 tall, blonde hair and blue eyes. He was really really handsome and he knew it. When I knew a guy was attractive, I didn't try to hide it. But Cole was something else, he was a player."

"You see, Cole Adler was your typical high school jock (-) 6'1 tall, blonde haired and blue eyed. He was really(,) really handsome and he knew it. (Normally,) when I thought a guy was attractive I didn't try to hide it."

I like the style, with her telling us things and like narrating the scene but I think this paragraph would work better split up. Okay, see, she's essentially explaining to us why she hides her attraction to Cole so I'd suggest having her describe him and then stop at "and he knew it". Then have their conversation with her being standoffish and then having the part about her not hiding it and Cole being a player and the rest of the description *after* the conversation. I think it would work better. If you're unclear on what I mean pm and I'll try to explain in greater detail😩

I like the bit about her not understanding the girls, I think so far you've done a very good job in infusing Daesyn's voice in the story. She (and her thoughts) are very well written.

I never talked to Cole until now, and I was actually surprised he came over to my aid. You see the reason why I almost frowned when Cole came up to me. Guys like him were up to no good.

Like I commented, if she was surprised then the "It was Cole, of course" doesn't really make sense.

Anyway in my opinion you don't need that whole paragraph. It's leaning towards the repetitive side and just telling us again what we know she thinks of him. It's not bringing us anything new.

I like their conversation. It isn't written awkwardly and the use of dialogue tags is good. I can also see from their short conversation that Cole is kind of entitled and used to getting his way. Well done with that!

I watched him as he walked towards his friends and towards the direction of the classrooms. I turned back to my locker and shut the metal door as I placed my bag on my shoulder. I tried to think of a believable excuse for my tardiness as I made my way to my first class.

I think tell us he walked to his friends OR the the classrooms. You don't need both.

And actually I just realized that I really, really like that last line. The fact that saying Cole was talking to her wouldn't be believable speaks volumes. Nice! The only thing I'd say is that in this paragraph I kind of felt detached from her which is the first time that has happened this chapter. Maybe add one of her thoughts?

Hours later, I received a text from mum telling me she couldn't come home this week, seeing as she still had a lot of things to do.

Hours later where? At home? I'd suggest maybe "(A) few hours later, (as I lay on my bed procrastinating my homework) I received" Just to set the scene.

And this paragraph just isn't as well written as the rest of the chapter to me and it tells us so little. I don't know whether you were deliberately withholding information but it doesn't really work for me. I think for me the main thing is you said 'this week' not 'today' which is obviously odd so just give us a bit more even if it's just "seeing as she was swamped with her work" even if you don't want to tell us her job.

It was past 5 and I couldn't help but think about the party. Attending the party sounded much better than watching a movie alone on a Friday night. It wouldn't sound better for some people, but for me, it sounded a lot better. I was sick of being alone and doing the same thing all the time. I hadn't done anything remotely fun all through high school, so this was obviously going to be a big step for me.

I think the line "It wouldn't sound better for some people etc etc" is unnecessary, it doesn't really add anything and makes the paragraph a tiny but harder to read. Besides that nice paragraph!

Standing up from my position on the couch, I walked up to my room to pick an outfit. Sure, my social life was a complete mess, but I knew how to dress properly and do some other girly stuffs. I decided to wear a black skinny jeans and a floral shirt. I didn't see any use of overdressing because it was already getting dark and I needed to be comfortable.

This paragraph is good up until the end I think. The way her not overdressing is written is kind of juvenile. I don't know maybe tell us 'she stared at a fitted black dress before shaking her head and sticking with the jeans' or something. And then ' she decided that comfort was more important plus it wasn't like she was trying to impress anyone or anything. Right?' Just show us more of Daesyn like you've already been doing.

It was very loud in the house. Ear-splitting music was blasting without caution and I felt a looming headache on its way. I didn't know which was the better option; looking for my ride home or taking the long walk back to my house.

I feel like the switch from her talking about the music to her talking about going home is very abrupt. We don't know how long she's been there or how she got there. I guess it could work if you added something like "I'd only been there for a few minutes but that was enough." just to connect the two.

I tried to hide my smile as I thought of a quick reply, "Thanks, I got it for my birthday," I continued, "It's been nice chatting with you but I have to go."

That should be a full stop after 'reply'. And I agree with the other comments that I like Daesyn's responses but her smile is a bit confusing. Maybe describe it a bit more, is it that she enjoyed toying with him? Because it's a bit unclear.

I do like the little note about her trying to think of a quick response! It makes her much more relatable than protags who somehow always know that to say so well done with that!

"Hey, can we talk for a second?" I told the boy sitting in between a brunette and a blonde.

I'd suggest saying Cole instead of the boy, I know you don't want to be repetitive but I think it works better as she's familiar with him.

Hmm her description of the party seems like a full 180 from the Daesyn that was willing to try and experience something fun. So I'd suggest showing a bit more of how her opinion changed even if it's just her saying "I had no idea why I thought this would be fun. I had watched a lot of movies and so on and so on"

Her being annoyed at Cole is very abrupt. Maybe have her look back at him after looking at the couple to give you an avenue to talk about her three reasons. Reason two very well written, nice job!

The third reason is fine but for her thought perhaps "Maybe to be another face in the adoring Cole fan club" or something because her 'maybe' doesn't really match in the sense that it's a sensible reason and doesn't go with her annoyed train of thought.

"Okay then, see you on Monday," He smiled and hurried past me.

I also noticed this quite a lot. Dialogue tags always start with small letters so that "He" should be "he"

Although, I felt a little hurt about what happened but I decided to let it go. I mean, I made the decision to come here so I couldn't blame Cole. Besides, this was a disadvantage of not having a friend, I didn't have anybody to rant to or back me up. I didn't make friends easily because I felt nobody really understood me.

You don't the "Although" AND the "but" so one should be removed. And I really liked this paragraph until the end where she said she felt like nobody really understood her. 1. She sounds a bit whiny and 2. You just telling us she feels like nobody understands her is not going to get any emotional reaction as we haven't seen anything. Show and tell. Maybe if you put a flashback or something where we could see her not getting along with people.

Honestly the last line really puts me off. Aside from the clicheness of it it's all tell :(

The description of Emery is okay, but you don't have to tell us everything in one paragraph. You can spread the information through their encounter.

And I agree with the comment about varying their descriptions, I didn't really notice at first but yeah it's not a bad idea.

Nice reveal of her mom's job!

Clearing my thoughts, I took a glass of water from the kitchen and went to my room. I didn't bother checking for food because I had already lost my appetite.

It says "clearing my thoughts" Which thoughts? As far as we know Daesyn wasn't thinking anything so maybe say a few of her thoughts so that line makes more sense.

I drank the water and placed the empty glass on my nightstand. Checking my phone for any new messages and seeing none, I took out a baggy shirt and pajamas bottoms from my closet and made my way to the bathroom. I changed my clothes, put my dirty laundry in the hamper, did my business and immediately fell into bed.

This paragraph is much longer than necessary and doesn't really say much except the bit about having no messages. "I drank the water as I checked my phone for any new messages. None. As usual. Sighing, I changed into my pajamas, did my business and fell into bed."

The "As usual" tells us it's normal for her, the "Sighing" tells us she's used to it in a resigned way. Even though the paragraph is shorter it has more important details and less random ones. That's just a suggestion anyway.

The ending was okay, nothing special.

CHAPTER TWO

I'm really enjoying this chapter so far, it's very well written and well paced. Nice job!

I also really like how Daesyn's voice is infused into the whole story so nice job with that.

Like I said I like the way you use descriptions and details to flesh out your world and make your characters relatable.

I noticed a few grammatical and punctuation errors (I also still noticed the capital letter dialogue tags so watch out for those) and pointed them out where I did but besides that a very good chapter!

I will mention that the bit about the girlfriend didn't make sense and I get you were trying to show that Daesyn spoke without thinking but you're still the author and it just doesn't make sense there.

Daesyn and Emery's conversation at the end is also a bit odd, I'd suggest taking a second look at it. It doesn't flow as well as the other conversations you've written in my opinion.

CHAPTER THREE

I noticed quite a few errors with punctuation especially with dialogue in this chapter and pointed them out where I saw them, mostly the same issues as the first two chapters.

I think you should add a bit more of her thought process what with her wanting to know Caelum's secrets as she just seems like a bit of a busybody right now ;-;

Once again, I love Daesyn's character. It doesn't feel like she's trying too hard to be relatable.

Another really good chapter. I think the dialogue between Daesyn and Caelum (whenever they actually talked xD) flowed quite well. I was going to say that I felt like her dialogue with Emery wasn't bad that it could be a bit more natural. But then I mean they're not so close so it's to be expected that things will be a tad awkward and so in that sense it's very well written! The descriptions were very good, well done!

(I know you changed your cover - this review is about the old one. I'm not sure what else you changed but this is a review of your book as it was at the time of your request😊)