I knew you from your body,
From how you sat,
Or the faces you made
Or even the glint in your eye,
to the way you spoke;
that's how I knew if you needed me by your side.
But now,
hearing you tell me how you feel
what makes you happy,
what's hard to face,
It makes me want to sit and talk with you for hours.
Just about the philosophies of  life;
About our lives,
About feelings.
About us.

Thankfully the day was so action-packed that it went by quite quickly, Dazai went to make sure that Atsushi and Kyouka were okay and Chuuya dragged Akutagawa back into his office to bandage him up after the beating he took from Atsushi.

"He really did a number on you," Chuuya whispered as he dabbed rubbing alcohol on the younger's wounds "That boy must be strong."

"He is, it's infuriating, he barely even knows how to use his ability and he beats me half to death."

"You're heart's pounding," Chuuya spoke, placing his hand over Akutagawa's chest "Don't tell me you li-"

"Oh! Don't you start with that too!" Akutagawa exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation "I already got enough of it from Dazai," he grumbled, folding his arms and pouring like a child.

"You've spoken to Dazai?

"Yeah...I saw him when I went to get Jinko the first time, he stopped us from killing each other-" Akutagawa tried to explain before he hissed at the sting from the alcohol, a shudder from the cold liquid also accompanying it.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Chuuya whispered as he looked at him apologetically, untensing when the latter smiled gently at him, they sat in silence again until Chuuya couldn't help but want to know more about his meeting with Dazai" So... how come you didn't tell me that you saw him?"

Akutagawa swallowed thickly as he fidgeted nervously, not sure if he wanted to tell Chuuya that Dazai was nervous and that he also cried like an idiot when he saw him again, however he decided that Chuuya ought to know it made him emotional," I.. well... the first time I saw him, I cried like a baby. It was just reliving to see him again, especially considering sometimes I would wonder if he's still alive. I also thought about you... that you'd finally be happy. As for why I didn't tell you... we agreed on it together, I thought it would be better to tell you when you can actually see him, hence why I told you today... Oh also, turns out he was nervous to see you again as well."

"That's hard to believe, he was acting like his usual annoying self, saying I haven't changed and that my hat is weird; the way he was looking at me, I could just tell he was making fun of my height, lanky bastard! How do you even grow that much?!"

Akutagawa couldn't help but laugh, glad to see Chuuya complaining about Dazai the way he used to, it felt like he was fifteen all over again, hearing Chuuya use every and any chance to swear at the brunet. It was like he was finally seeing the Chuuya that had died from the day he came back from France, it made his heart race with glee.

They continued to talk as Chuuya cleaned his wounds and bandage him up, it wasn't anything interesting: missions, reports, stakeouts, fighting skills, the usual thing they resort to talking about when they're together and it doesn't involve any personal existential crises.

Once Chuuya was done, Akutagawa quickly resorted to putting his clothes back on and leaving, he didn't want to keep the older from Dazai for much longer.

******

Dazai sighed as he begrudgingly got out of the shower, unwilling to forcefully drag himself out of the cascading water's warm embrace. He'd sent Chuuya his address before he got in the shower and spent most of the time worrying about what the latter might think about his home, he'd come to like decorating and surrounding himself with a cosy and welcoming atmosphere, something he hadn't bothered to do in the past, considering he'd lived in a shipping container for while.

Now that his house was decorated and accommodated liveliness and didn't just hold the bare necessities, it made Dazai anxious that Chuuya would scrutinise it, of course the logical part of his brain told him otherwise, Chuuya wouldn't find something he's insecure about and outright make him feel bad about it, but the emotional side of him that was completely devoid of logic said otherwise.

With a frustrated sigh, he went to place the books he'd been reading back on their shelves; he then looked around his apartment thoughtfully, he was wondering if he should take down the paintings he'd made of his (ex?) lover, but after pondering about it for a little bit, he decided not too, this was how he spent the majority of his free time on the run and in the Agency, the paintings were a part of him now, he couldn't hide it, especially when -if he recalled correctly- Chuuya liked all the paintings he made of him.

******

Chuuya made it back to his home, going quickly to shower and make himself look as good as possible, he hadn't put this much effort into how he looked since Dazai had left, if he woke up looking good he went with it, if he looked horrible, he did the bare minimum to make himself look decent. He'd tried to focus on himself, to do things for himself and not for someone else, but he just felt too drained to try. That, of course, didn't mean he didn't look good, he was drop-dead gorgeous and perhaps that was what was so infuriating, he didn't even try and he manned to make everyone swoon.

Maybe he would be even more dangerous now that his motivation was back, he felt like he wanted to make himself look good, he felt like running nourishing oils through his oddly cut hair, he felt like he wanted to moisturize his skin and keep his lips from getting chapped.

It was the little things and overall they didn't make a difference but they certainly made him feel better.

He then got dressed in comfortable clothing (he considered it casual but in reality, he looked like he was going out for a date), some stretchy black ripped jeans, a white sleeveless and notably thin turtleneck and his favourite black leather jacket.

He put his gloves and hat on, putting some perfume on himself, glanced in the mirror and left.

As he sat in his car and looked briefly over Dazai's new address, finding it interesting that he lived surprisingly close to the apartment they bought together, it made Chuuya wonder why he didn't just come live with him now that he was back, it was once his home too, he was always welcome.

Nonetheless, Chuuya made a quick drive there, heart pounding nervously, hands growing sweaty as he thought about what he was getting himself into. Now that Dazai was a part of the ADA, he's not only a traitor but an enemy and there were plenty of reasons to force the Agency and Mafia to butt heads. There were also a lot of feelings they needed to sort through, even if Dazai hadn't wanted to abandon him, Chuuya still couldn't help but feel slightly bitter that he had left, it was a selfish thing but it needed to be addressed all the same. Dazai's coping, life and feelings needed to be discussed too, Chuuya thought that the man seemed well when he saw him but Dazai had always been good at hiding how he truly felt and Chuuya wasn't sure if he was as well accustomed to his feelings anymore that it had been four long, painful years. He needed to know if Dazai was doing better, he was not going to get in a relationship with someone who wanted to kill themselves, he loved Dazai but he was not going to sign himself to losing him again; this time permanently.

He parked his car in front of the apartment complex, looking at it somewhat impressed, it looked pretty good, Chuuya assumed that Dazai still had some money left from when he ran away.

He liked it though, it was humble and quiet, but still close enough to the roads to not make it inconvenient.

The walk up felt like an eternity, what was supposed to be two minutes felt like twenty. It was even worse when he reached the door, taking in a deep breath, already feeling his cheeks blazing, honestly, he shouldn't be this nervous, he's had sex with this man! He's been on dates, showered with him, made him soup when he was sick, risked his damn life with him!

Yet he still felt so jittery that he could become one of those yellow wind up bouncing duck toys.

He inhaled deeply and then exhaled, lifting his hand to knock gently on the door, once he did he fidgeted with the end of his globes nervously, but still managing to chuckle in amusement when he heard fumbling on the other side of the door. The door opened When he looked up (really looked up) he was somewhat relieved to see that Dazai looked just as flustered and nervous.

In the basement they were high on adrenaline, high on the feelings of relief, sadness, anger, longing, wanting, desperation, joy and so many more that they couldn't even put into words but now there was none of that and it was just a tad bit scary.

They stared at each other for a while, carefully studying and admiring each other's features, Dazai then smiled at him unsurely, which for some reason made Chuuya's eyes water, he hadn't seen that smile in a very long time.

Before he could say anything he was pulled into a tight hug, Dazai scooping him into his arms like he was about to jump off a cliff with him. Once the initial shock wavered, Chuuya wrapped his arms around the mid of his back, sighing contently.

Chuuya then very bashfully noticed that Dazai's arms had gotten bigger and that his shoulders were a lot broader than they had been, it made him shiver, mind wandering to how it would impact their lives in the bedroom. He chose to push that thought away, for now, finding much more enjoyment in hugging him, he hadn't gotten a hug in a long time. Akutagawa wasn't the type to hug very much and he felt awkward going to ask Kyōyō randomly for a hug, other than them he couldn't ask anyone else, Tachiahara was more the type of friend that you laughed at people with rather than hugged, so he wasn't even included in the list of possibilities.

"Hi," Dazai whispered suddenly, his tone nervous but holding adoration.

Chuuya sucked in a shaky breath, involuntarily snuggling his face into the taller's clothing, a smile gracing his lips, he didn't feel as nervous anymore "hey," he whispered back, looking up at him, the movement making Dazai also turn to look at him.

They stared at each other again, until Dazai broke contact, looking away as pink stained his cheeks, he couldn't believe Chuuya was this small and adorable and he couldn't believe he was cuddling him in his arms again, it made him want to kiss him so badly and even though they had done that earlier today, he wasn't sure if it applied right now that Chuuya wasn't bawling his eyes out in relief and guilt.

"Dazai?" Chuuya murmured, wondering why he wasn't looking at him, feeling slightly insecure again.

"Can I...Can I kiss you?" The brunet asked coyly, face burning so much that it was beginning to hurt.

Chuuya's heart began to pound again, the question flustering him, they'd kissed just fine in the basement but judging by the fact that they were both skittish and unsure, he should have seen this coming.

"yeah...what kind of question is that? Stupid mackerel."

Dazai smiled at him, nearly pressing their lips together but not before he spoke "I missed hearing that name," he spoke quietly before finally finalising the kiss.

Both men immediately relaxed, understanding each other's emotions and how to deal with them just as they had done many times in the past. They parted and then moved their heads into a different position, pecking each other's lips again, Dazai's massive hands cupping Chuuya's face, letting one of them slip to twirl his long, fluffy hair around his fingers, humming in delight at how soft it was.

"Do you like it?" Chuuya asked with a tinge of uncertainty, he'd gotten a lot of weird stares when he cut his hair this way, he'd grown it all out and then decided that it was too much of a hassle to deal with it, though he felt reluctant to get rid of it all, part of him liked sporting long hair, so as he thought about what to do with it, he remembered Verlaine and how he liked his style and decided to leave it on one side, the side Dazai had first touched him, the first time he felt Arahabaki shut up for the first time.

Dazai smiled softly, bringing the strands of copper hair to his face, eyes opening to look at Chuuya in the eyes "I love it, you look gorgeous. It brings back memories from when we went to the future as well,"

Chuuya's eyes widened momentarily "you were smitten for my older self."

"Now I'm smitten for you."

Chuuya pushed him away in embarrassment, looking away "let's go inside, we're still in the doorway."

Dazai laughed a little, glad to see some of Chuuya's bashfulness return, unaware that his laugh was making Chuuya's stomach burn 'god, he sounds so cute!' the older thought to himself as he walked to the living room.

He stopped abruptly as he came face to face with the living room and adjoining kitchen, eyes darting around the room in awe, out of all the things he'd expected when walking into Dazai's apartment, this had certainly not been it.

There was a small bookshelf, holding all types of media, magazines, old literature, new literature, manga's, finished and unfinished sketchbooks, there were plants around too, all looking healthy and well kept. The walls were white but that could be completely ignored by the sheer amount of beautiful paintings that adorned them, the couch and armchair were cluttered in the centre along with a tv, and the kitchen seemed just as cluttered with a small oak dining table, covered in a white cloth sitting in the middle, everything was messy but in an organised way, so different from his own style but it felt so homey.

He quickly took his shoes off, eager to look at the paintings and admire them a little more, there were all kinds, of buildings, of cityscapes and dense forests, there were portraits of who Chuuya could recognize as the Agency members, there was one of Oda too, he was sitting in the bar he and Dazai always frequented, the angle of the portrait was as if whoever it was painted from the point of view of was looking up at Oda, who was smiling gently.

"Do... do you like it?" Dazai asked, referring to the whole house as scratched the back of his neck timidly

"I love it, you must have worked so hard on decorating everything, the paintings are also very beautiful, you've improved a lot."

"There's a lot of you as well if that's what you're wondering."

The thought hadn't even crossed his mind, he didn't have room to think of where he was included in this when he was busy inwardly celebrating everything Dazai had achieved.

Which lead him right to where he needed them to be. He knew that once he saw whatever masterpieces Dazai created of him, he'd fall for him even more than he already had, perhaps to the point of no return.

"We do need to talk about something though."

Dazai's eyes flickered with worry for a moment but he decided not to stress too much, they'd come this far, Chuuya even let him kiss him again, he didn't need to overthink, at least he hoped so. He walked up to the smaller, taking his hands gently and leading them to the kitchen table where Chuuya sat down, he sat down too on the opposite side but not before he asked if Chuuya wanted anything, to which he declined.

Chuuya smiled at him a little "it's not bad, so stop looking at me like that," he started, brushing some of Dazai's hair out of his face, as he took a breath. "First I want to say that, even though I know you didn't want to leave me that night, part of me still is hurt by it and there's nothing you can say to help, or to create excuses for me, it's mostly something I need to work through. I just want you to know that I feel like this and that I'm sorry I feel like this."Chuuya looked up at him with a sad smile, he felt unbelievably guilty for feeling this way, it wasn't Dazai's fault in the least and it would be something that needed to fixing with time but at least they were both sure that they could handle it.

Dazai let out a soft sigh, placing his chin in his palm, eyes filled with love and understanding "that's okay, I know it hurt you too...I promise I'll spend our time making up for the time we lost and essentially betraying you without an explanation."

Chuuya looked at him with a frown "I thought I said not to make excuses."

"I'm not. I'm saying what I think and how I'm going to convince you to let go of it all eventually," the brunet replied, with a small shrug before continuing "and anyway when did I ever listen to you?" He added mischievously, making Chuuya roll his eyes in amusement.

"Guess that's true."

Chuuya then sighed, now that he'd gotten what he wanted out of the way, it was time to address the most important thing here, Dazai's well being, because depending on how it is Chuuya would know if he had to give up ever fully loving Dazai.

So with a determined inhale, he looked back at Dazai, with vulnerable yet resolute eyes, "I... I also want to know how you are, how you feel, not just about me, about life. I want to know that if I continue to love you and pursue a life with you, I'm not going to fish you out of a river and pay for your funeral. Don't lie about it. I'll be by your side regardless, just not in the way we were. Not until you're okay."

Dazai's eyes widened, no one had ever asked him about his feelings (sometimes Yosano would eye him for a while when he went uncharacteristically quiet, just to make sure he was okay but she never asked outright if he was fine)

Unlike what he thought, Chuuya's words didn't scare him. Maybe if he wasn't in a good place and he knew that giving a truthful answer would deter Chuuya from him, it would have scared him but he was better and he was continuing to get better.

With a calming sigh, he took Chuuya's gloved hands in his own, skin burning even with the gloves acting as a barrier of sorts.

"I'm okay. I really am. I hardly have time to think about anything depressing when I have the Agency with me, even when I get home and I'm alone, I'm usually thinking silly things like how to annoy Kunikida~ hehe, or maybe how to sneak out and get sweets with Ranpo..." He looked at Chuuya, sincerity present in those golden brown, mellow eyes, he then looked down at their hands and squeezed Chuuya's gloved hands slightly as he continued "Of course, there are hard days, usually the day Oda... you know... but I found that if I paint or I'm with the people I've come to care for, the pain eases, if only a little."

He looked at Chuuya again, slipping his gloves off, "As for the suicide-" he kissed Chuuya's hand "-I think I'd rather spend my time being in love with you than on my own and in a river."

"I doubt I'll ever be fully okay, that there won't be days when I want nothing more than to kill myself, my life's been too fucked and I've been too deep in the dark to ever recover fully but those days have lessened and I feel blessed to be surrounded by the people I am, they ground me and guides me back to my senses, and then I'll remember why I'm still here, Odasaku is part of it, yes, but I also care about the people who call me family, I can't leave them behind either and have them go through what I went through, especially you and Atsushi."

There was silence and it made Dazai wonder if he'd said something wrong, he really didn't expect to be tackled into a hug across the table, with so much force that they toppled over, Chuuya's hands going to hold Dazai's head so he doesn't hit his head against the tiled floor, he trapped Dazai underneath him, face glowing

"I'm glad you found a little bit of the light," Chuuya murmured, eyes watering with joy.

Dazai smiled, also feeling a similar feeling that Chuuya felt, though he couldn't name it, however, he could make out the slight anxiety he was feeling, "Is it enough?" he asked in a cracked whisper.

"it's more than enough, "Chuuya replied before he kissed him softly, hair cascading down his face in a way that made Dazai utterly breathless
"You just told me two reasons that motivate you to live, you told me those reasons in a moment in time where the person you care about the most isn't here. It's more than enough Osamu and fuck, I know you'll find more as time passes."

"There's three actually, "Chuuya blinked at him owlishly, "there's, Oda's wish, The agency..." Dazai paused and smiled up at him "and You," he whispered, brushing Chuuya's fiery hair behind his ear as he stared up at his beautiful blue eyes.

"If you'll have me, of course."

Chuuya smiled brightly, tears slipping from his eyes "yeah... I'll have you," he laughed through his tears.

Dazai reached up to his face, using the back of his hand to wipe his lover's tears away "boyfriends?" he asked, though he already knew the answer, he decided that communicating with Chuuya was actually very rewarding, they'd done it a little bit more when they started dating four years ago but never to this extent.

"Boyfriends," Chuuya confirmed, leaning down to capture Dazai's lips in a clarifying kiss.

Everything was as it should be.