Viper slithered into Tigress' room that afternoon, after Tigress had thoroughly decimated the training hall's record, and managed to hit the training dummy so hard it stayed down.

Tigress herself laid down on her cot holding the pillow directly to her face.

"Tigress," Viper asked cautiously. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes," Tigress said. "No," she added not a moment later. "I'm not sure, I just. . ." she neglected to finish, instead deciding just to yell into the pillow.

Viper laid a reassuring tail on her friend. "Is it something I should worry about." Tigress slumped into her bed further and grunted under her pillow. Viper, sufficiently relieved grinned slyly. "This wouldn't have anything to do with Po, would it?" Another muffled grunt came from Tigress. Viper leaned in closer. "Did the big mean panda upset you?" she said all too sweetly.

Tigress finally lifted her head to stare Viper in the eye. "I will turn this into a weapon if you don't stop," she said, inclining her head to the pillow.

Viper stifled her laughter and held up her tail peaceably. "Will you at least tell me what this is about? Because Po somehow got three times faster when I tried to ask him."

Tigress sighed and rubbed her temples. "In short, he's an idiot, and it's my job to pull him out. Again."

Viper hummed. "And this is different from the hundreds of other times because. . ?"

"Because this time he slipped up in the opposite direction," Tigress spat. "Rather than saying something careless to the wrong person, and having to fight hordes of crocodiles until it's revealed that we've been traveling with the long lost twin brother of Emperor whoever or such similar nonsense, this time he thought about it and said the wrong thing to the right person."

Viper waited for a moment before asking. "Go on. . ."

Tigress sighed. "Temutai's making trouble again, or at least might, and pacifying him this time involved playing house with Po for a few weeks."

Viper nodded. "Well, that doesn't sound too bad. Ther've been plenty of times where we all had to dog-pile into the same room before."

Tigress shook her head. "That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that we have to pose as a couple. A happily married couple, at that."

"Oh," Viper said. A moment later, the penny dropped. "OH." Viper squealed with delight, and a cold rock settled into the pit of Tigress' stomach. "Oh my gosh, that is adorable! Ooh, you guys get to be all comfy and domestic, while also fighting side by side! Oh, and the wedding illustrations! I'll bet there's just going to be loads of congratulations. You two are going to be so cute pining away while pretending not to pine while pretending to have already pined away!"

I, Tigress thought, have made a grave mistake.

Viper quickly maneuvered around so that her maniacally gleeful smile was staring directly at Tigress' wide-eyed horror. "I have so many personally invasive questions I want to ask you two!"

"Viper," Tigress snapped. "This is a bad thing!"

That, at least, brought Viper back to reality. She leaned back slightly and tilted her head. "Why exactly is this upsetting to you?"

Tigress shifted to a cross-legged sit. "Because this is a bad idea. One that will be awkward and uncomfortable for the entire time if it works, upset a band of very angry warriors if it doesn't, and be a shameful 'we don't talk about it' type of mission in either case."

Viper hummed. "I don't know. This doesn't really sound too bad of a plan." At Tigress' raised brow, she held out a tail. "Better than 'Operation Instant Soup' anyways." 

Tigress huffed a laugh and turned aside. "We also thought about bringing Lei Lei with us to pose as a daughter." (Tigress tried her very best to ignore Viper's reverent whisper of "Ti Po Panger Babies" and moved on.) "Po thought it might be unfair to her to give her a pretend family and then take it away. I told him that we could be upfront with her and she would be strong enough to take it but. . . maybe he was right." Tigress gestured to herself. "Besides, this isn't exactly mother material. Or even wife material. I'm not. . . soft enough."

Viper gravely shook her head. "Nope. Not good enough." Tigress stared uncomprehendingly. "I mean," Viper said, "that your reasons for not wanting this are bogus." Viper laid a tail on Tigress' knew. "Don't forget: you were the one who hugged Po first, even if receiving affection sent you comatose. You're strong and determined, and that makes you a good protector, but you're also sweet and caring underneath all that. That sounds like perfect motherhood material."

Tigress sighed, feeling warmed, lightened, and short for breath at the same time.

Viper studied her a minute more. "But that's not really why you don't like this idea, is it?"

Tigress stopped short. "Of course it is," she said. "Lei Lei's. . . she's important to me. I wouldn't want to hurt her, even by accident."

"Of course," Viper said soothingly. "Of course she is, you're like the closest thing she has to a mother right now. But that's not what has you so worried and worked up about this idea." Tigress stared quizzically at Viper, who stared back with steel and compassion. "You're actually worried that this is too good of an idea."

Tigress opened her mouth to argue, but Viper cut her off. "If you two were completely unshakable as 'just friends' and nothing more, you could laugh this off as just a thing that happened. You'd be able to fake a sickeningly schmooze-y cutesy-wutesy 'I can't believe we are so in love' type of couples, and then spend the return trip laughing about it." Viper leaned in close. "But that's not what's happening. Because you don't actually think this is a bad idea. You think it's too good. You're worried that it will be too easy. And that when the trip stops, you won't want to stop pretending."

Tigress stared at Viper. Her mind was at once dead quiet and filled to the brim with thoughts. Her eyes ceased staring at Viper and simply stared ahead. The fragmented thought bounced around inside of her skull, never quite hitting directly. Just as the first syllable of 'Lo' entered her brain, she spoke. "Viper, please catch me."

Tigress' eyes rolled and she fell forward, directly onto Viper. Viper's lungs let out a gasp as she was trapped underneath her friend. "Maybe dropping that many truth-bombs at once was a mistake," Viper thought.

As soon as she dragged herself free, Viper checked Tigress' pulse. Satisfied that Tigress was simply suffering an emotional overload, and not dying of shock, she turned her friend over onto her back started to leave. After closing the door behind her, Viper made her way down the halls, grinning.

She had work to do.

***

There was a state of mind roughly adjacent Inner Peace that offered up almost as much silence. (Really, it wasn't adjacent at all, but more like three floors down on the opposite side of the building, right next to the bathrooms.) Po tentatively dubbed this the 'Not-Think' state. It was, as the name implied, the state in which beings do not think. Mindless, mass-produced entertainment and intense physical exercises were among the best ways to achieve Not-Think, so to the training hall Po went.

The Jade Palace's training hall had thankfully escaped Kai's rampage mostly untouched. There might have been a rather large hole in the east wall, but the complicated mechanics of the equipment remained fully functional.

As it stood, Po was considering just leaving the hole in the wall, so that they wouldn't have to prop the door open in summer. Really, more airflow in the training hall could only be a good thing, with how much exercise was needed.

The whoosh of one of the wooden clubs snapped him back to reality. He ducked under the next, and leaned away from the one after, all the while shuffling his feet to maintain balance on the rolling floor. After landing a kick to one of them, he leapt to the Iron Tortoise Shell, nearly bowling over.

Half of his stumble was the shifting weight, the other half was what he saw. "What's up?" Monkey asked from inside the bowl. He was sitting cross-legged, leaning against the rim and leisurely eating a banana.

"The sky," Po responded automatically. "What are you doing in there?"

Monkey grinned. "I was waiting around." He took another bite, talking through his mouth. "You've been hitting this course pretty hard," he swallowed. "Something shake the unshakable Dragon Warrior?"

Po laughed. "What, this? Does this look like shake-able material to you?" He gestured widely to himself. "Just wanted to be on top of my game."

Monkey smiled slyly, "Is that right?" He flipped up to the lip of the bowl, making it a little bit more even. "Mind a spar then?"

Po smiled and widened his stance. "You're on!"

The two met in a flurry of wide swinging blows. Monkey ducked under one, tried to return the strike, but was blocked. Po leaned back on another strike, and tried to sweep-kick Monkey, only to find that Monkey had leaped back.

The back-and-forth passed between them, rocking the Iron Tortoise Shell, even spinning it slightly.

"Is it just me," Monkey said, ducking under a kick, "or are you only half as bodacious today?"

"Just getting warmed up," Po called ducking under a swing. "You know its unfair to unleash all my awesome all at one. People can go blind from that!"

"I'm sure," Monkey laughed. Finally, he got in close. Rather than strike, he simply grinned. "So did you ask Tigress out or something?"

Po immediately lost his balance. With a cry, he slid into the interior of the bowl, where he bounced around for a minute. By the time Po stopped, Monkey was sitting on the lip, grinning down at him. "Now that's not fair," Po said, only half-upset.

"So something did happen," Monkey said.

Po sat up with a groan. Of course Monkey would find a way to weed it out of him. "It's not really that big of a deal. Something just popped up and I had a stupid genius idea is all."

"Wait," Monkey said, holding up all of his extremities. "Stupid genius as in 'it's stupid and genius,' or stupid genius as in 'it's so stupid it's genius?' Or the other way around?"

Eh," Po scratched his head. "All of them, I think."

Monkey leaned forward. "Oh, this should be good."

The back of Po's head hit the bowl with a dull thunk. He sighed as he gathered up his thoughts. Might as well rip off the bandage.

In as few words as possible, Po explained that Tigress and he were going undercover for a few weeks, with the slight road bump of their cover identities being married, possibly with a child. By the end of it, Monkey was laughing so hard that he had to lie on his stomach or fall off the bowl.

Po's cheeks burned pink. "It's not that funny."

Monkey looked at him through his tears, held up a paw, and let it drop, unable to even attempt words.

Po stared hard at him. "Seriously, dude, come on. It's not that funny."

Monkey finally reined in his howling to an acceptable level as he held up a paw. "No offense, Po, but it really is. You mouthed off to an eternally angry warlord, and your best bet to keep it under control is to play house? What was your plan at the start? Just keep writing made-up stories about you and Tigress enjoying the married life?"

Po held up his hands. "I just thought I'd write up a quick excuse, and he'd let the whole thing go."

"Po," Monkey said, still giggling. "This is Temutai. That guy never lets anything go! He'd still have his favorite childhood toy in his hands if he didn't break it."

Po sighed. "Don't I know it," he said tiredly. "I don't suppose you know of any way to get me out of this?"

"Nope," Monkey said, popping the last syllable. Po stared in irritated disappointment. "But I do have a few almond cookies." Monkey offered a paw to Po.

Po grinned and took it, climbing out of the bowl. "Good enough for me."