Picture credit: Both to Pexels /Pixabay.com

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"I wonder what becomes of lost opportunities. Perhaps our guardian angel gathers them up as we drop them and will give them back to us in the beautiful sometime when we have grown wiser and learned to use them rightly."

~Helen Keller, The Story of My Life~

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The handbag flew across the room, hit the cupboard and landed on the floor, spewing all its contents about. Swara was tired, it was the night after the first wedding that the sisters had planned and managed. Everything had gone well, the wedding was a success and their reputation as efficient planners would be established. But she had been drained and could find no logical explanation to the gnawing anxiety that was a constant agony for her and it appeared that this day would end on a sour note; she usually flung her handbag and was upset that today it had to spit everything out.

Muttering to herself, she tiredly balanced on the balls of her feet and started gathering her stuff when she heard the sudden plop. She twirled awkwardly and the vision she saw made her lose her precarious balance and she landed with a hard thud on the ground. Wincing, she got up and though she started to rub her backside thinking 'It will be a purple bruise by tomorrow,' though she did not dwell any further as the sight on her bed was enough to capture her complete attention.

"Hic, so you finally did remember me, yes, Shona? I hoped you would not kick your other guardian out, your shining knight, as you kicked me out of your life, remember, all those years ago? But old habits die hard, right, my sweet leeetle Shoo...na."

Swara listened to the slurred words and was now convinced that she was dreaming. She did remember that as a child, she had spent a lot of time with her imaginary friend, who had asked to be called Kosmos, but if she was seeing him now, she must be dreaming. She shook her head, no, she was actually going mad.

However she continued to stare at him; he was still the same. Cute and chubby, he had once been a beautiful laughing cherub who loved to steal sunsets; she remembered the tiny green one he had got with him to show to her. As a child of ten years, being able to hold a sliver of a sunset, much less a green one, had been a thrilling one. Even more fascinating had been his reaction to her, while she had jumped with glee he had turned into a sparkling kaleidoscope spectrum of orange and carrot, then the bright brown of her stuffed teddy's eyes mixed with the gold of the amber pendant she had worn. And she had always felt very warm and loved, safe and secure in his presence.

The one which was now before her was a dull grey with deep slate eyes and apparently quite inebriated. Swara was flabbergasted; she had never known that they could even be drunk. And somehow it brought back those memories of him and his latest words, "—humara rishta nahin. Aur rishte ke saath saath, neend bhi nahin, chain bhi nahin...usse kuch hua ho ya na hua ho, lekin tumhari saath bahut kuch bura hone wala hai...kyon ki kal ke baad main tumhari neend udane wala hoon..."

"Do not think of him, you have lost all right to do so", the now gooey mass of a charcoal with a tint of crimson, admonished her firmly.

Rather than be angry with what he said, Swara was surprised, "Eh, how do you know I am thinking of him, you cannot hear my thoughts, can you?"

"You change colour, no, you actually become a rainbow when you think of him; each shade sparkling like a jewel; there were times when your thoughts of him would light up the world, both yours and ours. But now, those colours are dark, cold and murderous, you still emit all the rays of the rainbow but they are dulled with the ebon shade of mistrust. You do not deserve him."

Swara was now quite furious; she had to battle her voice of conscience every single minute and hearing that illusion in front of her echo what were her innermost thoughts, had her enraged. She could not stand there hearing him, she flung the tube of lipstick she had in her hand, with all the force she could muster. It simply passed through him, and he turned to a mocking shade of denim; which once again brought him and his jeans to her mind, and he berated her, "Tempestuous, are we, my dear Shona? I show you the mirror and you attempt to shatter it. Before we go about it, do you truly remember me?"

She looked at him, it did not matter if it was a dream or not, the memories were too real and too vivid to be forgotten.

He was her friend and had always been there when she cried, she did it in the privacy of her room, her mother and grandmother would be hurt if she cried in front of them.

As a child she had never known that the word she learnt from her old neighbour was a summoning charm, tuned only to her and her guardian angel. She had simply loved that word, it was fun to use, she had heard him mutter the same when he was angry or upset with someone and as a precocious child, had picked it up. But she had to practice saying it for quite a few times till she got the pronunciation right, and she finally managed to utter, 'Gillygaupus.'

There had been a small burst of light and it had appeared, as surprised as she was. But then Swara was not one to be scared easily and at eight years of age, she already exhibited that feminine bravado which would so define her when she grew up.

So she stared at the vision, which looked like a cute boy, around the same height as she was; who shone with a pale silvery hue that slowly turned a brilliant gold before her very eyes. She stood silently, wondering what exactly it was when it spoke, "Fine, now that you have discovered the summoning charm, I had to appear, and do you not think it is impolite to stare?"

Swara blinked and squealed, "You can talk? That is so nice. Can we be friends? What is your name? And what is that in your hands, it is so pretty, can I hold it?"

And in her excitement, she had leaped at that figure of light in a vain attempt to capture that shiny sparkling ball in the boy's hand.

The apparition had literally jumped back a few steps and vanished as did Swara's smile.

She had been stunned and then disappointed and had finally burst into tears, which lasted for quite some time as neither her mother nor her grandmother could identify any plausible reasons for her outburst. Swara soon forgot about it until a couple of months later, when she had been upset with her mother for not allowing her to stay up late and had gone to bed muttering 'Gillygaupus'.

It did appear again, in a shade of deep glowing purple. This time neither of them said a word and Swara drifted off to sleep in silence, her tears completely forgotten, somehow realising that the boy of light who glowed softly in her room was safety and that she had nothing to fear in his presence.

For the next four years, Kosmos, that was his name she learnt, was her constant companion. Her mother and Dida did worry at Swara's friendship with an imaginary being but then hoped she would soon outgrow her childishness. They were also partly relieved as her preoccupation with Kosmos did minimise her questions about her always absent father.

He bore no resemblance to the cute cuddly cherub who had been her friend. Kosmos had then been more like a gigantic teddy bear made of light and able to change hues, though she never understood why he shone when she was happy and was a dull grey when she was sad. But then she would be usually happy with his mere presence so she had mostly seen him in vibrant hues of emerald, sapphire and amethyst.

The Kosmos she now beheld, her guardian angel, was a more like a glob of dirty brown, like mud that had been soaked in rainwater and sodden leaves and turned swampy. His eyes were dull and he looked at her with an expression that was both accusing and disapproving. The worst were the vibes he radiated, no longer warm and welcoming, instead they reeked of disappointment and frustration. She closed her eyes as she remembered how she had pushed him away.

It was on her thirteenth birthday that she kicked him out of her life. Her yearning for a father in her life had grown with each passing year, and when Kosmos had genially asked her what she would like for her special thirteenth birthday, she did not hesitate, "I want my Baba."

Kosmos tried to reason with her, he gently told her that some things are not meant to be, he could not change that fact; and whatever she did, she would never have a father in her life. But Swara was beyond the reach of reason, adamant that she would have a father and in a fit of temper, screamed at him, "I hate you, I never want to see you again; you are of no use to me if you cannot get me my father."

Kosmos had gently faded from a glowing purple to a pale silver before dissipating into smoky mist. She never used that word again and forgot about it and him.

She opened her eyes to see him, in a dull shade of sage, slurring, "I broke so many rules for you, we do not make ourselves visible to young children, even if they get the magic words correct, it is dangerous to them. But I watched over you and knew how hurt and vulnerable you were inside, your mother and grandmother loved you very much but you always craved for a father. As you grew older, you did not stop wanting it, you just stopped saying it aloud, for you felt guilty about that, you felt it was like declaring that having a mother was not enough. You never realised, even to this day; some things are never meant to be and your desperate attempts to have your perfect family always end up hurting the only person who loves you for who you are; warts, flaws, imperfections and all."

He wailed, "Why, Swara, why is so hard for you to trust him? Why, when time and again he has proved himself worthy of your trust?"

Swara was now old enough to realise that Kosmos changed colour to reflect his emotions which were influenced by her feelings, she knew that the flaky alabaster shade that he was now radiating was agony. And it angered her, he was her guardian angel, for Heaven's sake, and he was supporting him. It angered her, that even Kosmos blamed her; she alone was not at fault, was she?

Embittered, she spat, "He is irresponsible and prone to temper outbursts, if our parents had not reached in time, he would have killed Laksh. And I am sure that Laksh has run away because he is afraid of Sa...him."

The now fiery orange blob retorted, "Good, do not take his name. It no longer sounds nice when you say it, coated as it is with mistrust and anger. Anyway, tell me something, I know of one person who tried to kill her sister twice and this sister not only blindly forgives her but actually forces everyone else to do so. Why should the sister be forgiven and not him?"

Swara mumbled, she knew whom he was referring to, "That is a different matter altogether, do not bring Ragini into the equation. I forgave her."

"Okay, so your murderous sibling can be forgiven over and over again, but he should expect no mercy for trying to kill his sibling."

Blurring to an indigo shade, Kosmos continued "There truly is not much of a difference between you and your sister, she was willing to kill and you are willing to let people die for your respective obsessions. And do not bring up the instances of him attempting to strangle Ragini or Kavita. He stopped in time, if he did not want to stop, nobody could stop him; he has too strong a will to be overcome by physical force. And he is responsible for saving lives. Oh, I forget, you need proof, so let us count."

Glaring at Swara, Kosmos started, "The first time, was when he went up against the black witch to save you, you think it was easy, he simply held the knife meant for you and the witch gave up? He gave his blood, that is a huge thing in black magic and that witch was powerful, Vini was quite drained out. Oh, by the way, Vini is Vilasini, his guardian angel, who currently is battling her life out, again, trying to protect her charge, but why should that make any difference to you? Let us get back to our counting."

"The very next day, when your daaahling sister pushed you off the bridge, it was the second time. What did you think; he was just wandering around there, planning to fish in the muddy waters? He had to put his integrity at stake. He lost everyone's trust and you, of all people, know how much he values that emotion. But he never cared, he believed he had wronged you and had made a solemn vow to redeem himself. He has never ever doubted you."

"But I am digressing, let us continue the tally. Where were we? Yes, two times so far."

"The third time was when your sister was kidnapped, let me see, who did that?"

And not giving Swara a chance to reply, not that she would, Kosmos rushed on, "Surprise..., the very sibling for whom you have left Sanskaar! And what did you do, accused him of the kidnapping and subsequently, you made an absolutely scatter brained plan with the usual haphazard execution of the same, if he had not reached in time, both of you sisters would have fallen off the cliff, all because of you, behaving in your habitual lame fashion of trying to set things right, without telling him anything about your plans. If I recall correctly he even saved Laksh whereas you had tried to strangle Laksh a few minutes before that."

"Then the Kavita fiasco, you again do what you feel like, put your life in jeopardy and he is forced to marry Kavita. Did you know that it was your dear sister who instigated Kavita to win him over, after she magnanimously decided to walk out of your lives? But what should it matter to you, your sister is always forgiven. The Rajat encounter; that was such a tough call for him but he did shoot, did he not, putting his faith in himself to test. Rajat had to die; you have no qualms about it, do you? And he died a thousand deaths while you did not even have a nick from the bullet. The list is never ending, but there is no point, you would not care less."

Swara slumped to the floor, each word of Kosmos was a barb that pierced her deep and though she initially refused to hear him, she knew that what he said was the truth, the bare naked truth. Her eyes hurt as she saw him shift from shades of spruce to fire to seaweed, she did not have to be an expert in colour psychology to understand the underlying emotions; it was sarcasm, anger and disgust.

But Kosmos had apparently not finished, he seemed determined to shove the entire truth into her face, whether she wanted it or not. He paused and shifted gears, "Since killing or letting people die is forgiven when done by the sisters, let us view your opinions on marriage and the attendant symbolisms. Remember your first wedding with him?"

Swara stared at Kosmos, though she was now slightly confused, for an incandescent rufescent shade radiated from the centre of his being, as he continued, "You were desperate to stop him, you knew and understood what it meant but could not accept it, for you were still struggling with your frantic efforts for gaining a family to actually realise that you were getting exactly what you had always wished for. I froze your mind and you simply held his hand unable to stop him. Did you know how much we had to manipulate events for the two of you to reach that stage?"

Swara was about to say something; she had always known, deep down, that the first time when he had put that pinch of sindoor in the parting of her hair was the moment she knew with finality that she was bound to him. Even to date she carried a small regret that she had lost so much of time in accepting and understanding the same.

Kosmos shone a ruddy glow and continued, "Wait, I am not done yet, let me continue," he glared, the red gleam now seeping into the black mist that he had become, "You waited till the you were in the privacy of your tent to admonish him, what did you tell him?"

She did remember, she had been all fire and brimstone with the symbolism of the act, while he had just brushed it off saying that any gesture without intent translated to nothing. And she had grandly declared, "tumhe sindoor ka matlab bhi pata hai? Ye sab kuch tumhe mazaak lagta hai kya? Maa ne kahaa ki sindoor bahut pavitra cheez hoti hai, isse apni marzi se lagaaya ya mitayaa nahin jataa. Ek aurat ki zindagi mein sindoor bahut important hota hai, ussi se uski suhaag ki pechaan hoti hai..."

"Empty words they were, my Shona, were they not, for you wiped off the sindoor quite easily. Are you not tired, of trying to fit everyone into what you presume to be their designated places in your Utopian world? When will you realise it is not only foolish but also futile?"

There was a heavy silence as Swara grappled with conflicting emotions, unable to say a words. Narrowing his eyes, Kosmos continued, "You have finally managed to break him, it does not matter who started it and who was right or who was wrong. What remains is the irrefutable fact that you have broken him and that is what is going to make him a dangerous person, for he is a man who has nothing to lose. Some people are too strong willed, they can bend the will of destiny, both theirs and those of people around them, to their own. Do you not recall the havoc he wrecked that first time, he was the dark tempest that turned your sister into the scheming virago. And before you lay the blame for your sister's mutation at his door, remember, he only supplied the match; you were also slightly responsible for the inflammable tinderbox your sister had become."

Swara was now a ball of misery, tears flowing down her face in a never ending stream, as the truth of all his words hit home and she wondered, 'how could I forget, how was I so blinded by my concern for Ragini and my firm conviction that I am right, that I could not see what I was doing to him, doing to ourselves? And Ragini left because she could not stay in that house with Laksh's memories haunting her, understandable, but why did both of us have to remove all traces of being married? What does it mean...? '

Her self-recriminations were cut short when she saw that he had changed to a clump of grease and plopped to the ground; it was then that another horrifying thought struck her, 'he was not her Kosmos anymore, was she also responsible for his state?'

He raised what would be his head if he were a true sylph and nodded, "Yes, Swara, we guardian angels guide more than guard and often are successful. But our wards also determine our fate, if they become reckless and veer too far away from their soul's predestined course, and do not return even with our continued interference, we have failed. And as you can see, failure is not a pretty sight, never is."

"This is your last chance, you have pushed him to the brink twice, the first time unknowingly and this time intentionally. You have failed to trust him twice, both the times choosing your sister over him. The days ahead will be very testing and trying for the two of you, you have to remember at all times, all you have to do is choose him, irrespective of what happens, what anybody says or does. Only your absolute faith in him will redeem you and save him."

It was a pale, turquoise glinted Kosmos who then explained, "You have to understand the difference between belief and faith, belief needs proofs, which is why it is so easy for anyone to believe once provided with proof. Faith does not need proof; you simply refuse to heed anything contrary to that firm conviction. Remember the saying, Shona, 'Belief is a truth held in the mind; Faith is a fire in the heart.' You need that fire, to melt your frozen mind and to counter the black rage in his heart."

With his words echoing in the air, he softly faded into nothingness.

For a very long time, Swara sat in silence on the cold floor, her mind blank even as she tried to process everything she heard from Kosmos. Finally she realised, it did not matter how right she had been, walking out on Sanskaar was a crime bordering on a sin. And simply accepting any punishment that he meted out to her would not absolve her, she could not redeem herself with silence and passive surrender. She would have to prove that she was worthy of his love and more importantly that she would trust him. He never doubted her love for him; he had been broken by her lack of faith.

She then made up her mind, faith was not a feeling; it was choice, an act of choosing to trust Sanskaar, even if the world was against them, even if every fact screamed that he was guilty. She would choose to trust him till he himself asked her not to. For she finally understood what Kosmos had been trying to say, Sanskaar was her guardian angel and if she failed, he would too.

And if her journey of redemption meant shedding tears of blood and walking over the coals of remorse, it should not matter, for she now knew, that however long her journey would be and irrespective of the agony of the same, Sanskaar would be waiting for her. And that was all she needed to remember, the sure knowledge that he would always be there for her.

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And here ends the next installment of the  Guadian Angels. Do let me know how you found this tale.

love,

Nyna