Private Angel Log Entry Twenty-Three

I awoke the next morning feeling slightly better; that wasn't to say my chest didn't still ache, and my limbs hurt, and I never wanted to move out of these sheets that still smelled like Gerard, but it was tiny bit less overwhelming today, and I decided to take my leave of this place before it got any worse.

I gathered up a few changes of clothes and some other sentimental items before stuffing them into a pack I found on the closet floor, I think it used to be Gerard's, but I didn't let myself dwell on that now. Just as I was about to leave the room, I noticed the corner of a book sticking out from under the bed.

When I pulled it out, I recognized the journal that Gerard used to write in from time to time. I had never prodded him about it, how could I when I kept my own, and he had never spoken of it, but now that he was gone, I couldn't resist placing it on top of my clothes before I tied the bag shut with an air of finality.

I couldn't look at it now, I knew I wasn't strong enough for that just yet, but I wanted to keep it with me, and maybe one day, I would find the courage to look at Gerard's private words.

I walked downstairs slowly, trying not to disturb Billie in case he was still asleep. I had risen pretty early, the sun was barely cresting over the horizon, but when I entered the living room, Billie was up and busy packing.

"Hey," I waved sheepishly, slightly embarrassed that he had witnessed my breakdown last night.

"Oh good, you're up. I'm almost done packing, and then we can go. There is no way we can take this all in one trip, but I've got the most vital stuff right here." Billie hefted a full pack up, and it was apparent from its shape that it was stuffed with books.

"Need some help?" I offered, internally breathing a sigh of relief at the fact that he hadn't asked me how I was feeling, or something like that.

"No actually, I'm good. You will have to carry some of this though," Billie chuckled as I settled down on the couch, waiting for him to finish deciding what to take.

"There is no way we are going to be able to fly with all this," I remarked when Billie added three more bags to the pile of things we were taking with us.

"I already thought that through. I got in contact with Brendon earlier, and he is going to open up a portal right outside, so we won't have to worry about it."

"How long have you been awake?" I questioned curiously.

"Pretty much all night, why?" Billie shrugged casually.

"Fuck Billie, you need to get some rest."

"I know...I did try, but I just couldn't. I would close my eyes and see everything that happened yesterday, and I didn't want to relive that," Billie whispered softly.

"Oh..." I trailed off awkwardly, not sure what to say. Miraculously, I hadn't dreamed at all last night, and I had been too exhausted to spend any time thinking about all the terrible things that we had witnessed.

"I'm sorry, this is probably the last thing you want to talk about. I'll be fine Frank, I'll sleep when we get back to Heaven," Billie stammered out guilty, lifting a pack to signify that he was ready to go.

"It's okay Billie, I can't just pretend nothing happened. If you ever need to talk - about anything, I'm here." I owed Billie that much after everything he had done for me.

"Thanks...I will remember that. Just not right now okay?"

"Ready then?" I lifted my own bag, grabbing two more off the floor and trying to balance them all without falling over.

"As ready as I'll ever be," Billie sighed as he headed out the door.

I hadn't forgotten about Billie's reluctance to return to Heaven, and I debated asking him if he was doing okay, but he obviously wasn't, none of us were, and no paltry words from me were going to make this any easier.

So we walked in silence until we reached the familiar resonance that meant a portal was nearby. Billie opened it with ease, and with a nod to each other, we stepped into the shimmering air which would return us to Heaven.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly so I wouldn't have to see the dizzying lights fly passed us. I hated traveling by portal, and I rarely ever did it before. Now that my wing was damaged, I guess I would have to get used to this, but I wasn't looking forward to it.

When the tumbling sensation stopped, I finally opened my eyelids, only to be met by the sight of Brendon and Ray waiting for us. Brendon threw himself at me in a hug before I could react, causing me to drop the bags I had been carrying as I returned his embrace.

"Calm down Brendon, I wasn't even gone for a day," I mumbled against his shoulder.

"I know, I'm just glad you are back," Brendon giggled as he pulled away. He stepped back, gesturing to his left, and that was when I noticed Ryan standing behind him, looking just like he had before his death.

"Hey Ryan, welcome back." I actually smiled for the first time since Gerard's death at the sight of my friend.

"Frank...I heard what happened, are you okay?" Ryan stepped forward tentatively, and I steeled myself so I wouldn't get emotional again.

"Yeah...I mean no, but I will be."

"Your old room is still yours Frank, so you can throw your stuff in there whenever you want," Ray cut in, and I shot him a grateful smile for changing the subject.

"Yeah, I'll do that now. Where is everyone else?" I peered around as I spoke, trying to catch a glimpse of another angel in the usually crowded halls of the garrison.

"Busy trying to put Heaven back in order, and we told them not to bother you until you were ready. Everything is sort of a mess right now, but God is here, helping to fix everything," Ray answered my question.

"That's good, and I want to help. I need to keep myself distracted you know?"

"Yeah, but that can wait until tomorrow okay? Just get settled in for now, and don't forget to stop by the healers tent, maybe they can fix your wing." Ray seemed adamant that I didn't do any work today, and I wasn't in the mood to argue.

"Okay fine, I'll go to my room," I pretended to pout as Ray grinned down at me.

"Come on Billie, you have your own room too, I will show you were it is." Brendon and Ryan tugged Billie down a hallway leading away from my room, and I waved to their retreating figures before heading back to my own room.

Ray didn't follow me, and I knew he was giving me some space. Ray understood what I needed right now, and I was glad that our friendship was still that strong after everything that had happened.

When I pushed open the familiar door, I was surprised that nothing had changed. I had been gone for so long that I assumed someone else would have taken over this space ages ago, but that didn't seem to be the case.

It felt strange to be back after so long, and I no longer felt like I belonged here. This wasn't home anymore - not at all - home had been wherever Gerard was, and this was just a place to sleep now.

I threw my bag down into the floor with a sigh, not knowing what to do now that I had some time to myself. I wasn't ready to go through Gerard's journal just yet, but I wasn't quite tired enough to sleep either.

Just when I had decided to pay the healers a visit, a soft knock sounded throughout the room.

"Come in," I called, and I was slightly surprised to see Mikey when the door swung open. He hadn't been there to greet me when he had arrived in Heaven, and I assumed he still blamed me for Gerard's death, and he had every right to.

"Hey Frank," Mikey stuttered out, standing nervously in the hallway.

"Hey - you don't have to stand all the way over there you know?" I tried to smile, but this one fell flat.

"Oh - yeah, sorry." Mikey shuffled into the room and settled awkwardly on the end of the bed.

"So...how is being an angel suiting you?" I tried to make some small talk while Mikey pulled himself together, he obviously had a reason for coming to see me, but I was willing to let him wait until he was ready to speak.

"I love it, it's even better than I imagined. I still can't believe it actually." Mikey grinned to himself as he spoke, and once again, I felt a rush of happiness for him.

"That's good, you deserve that."

"Frank...I just wanted to say that I'm sorry," Mikey spoke up after a minute of silence.

"Sorry?" I didn't understand what he meant; honestly, I had expected Mikey to come in here and yell at me for not doing a better job of protecting Gerard, not apologize to me.

"Yeah...I've been unfair to you. I should never have shouted at you when Gerard got kidnapped, and I still feel bad about that. Everything happened so fast, and I never got a chance to tell you I didn't mean it. I was just scared you know?"

"Mikey...you had every right to be mad at me. I fucked up letting him get taken, and I fucked up saving him. You would be totally within your rights to slap me right now," I tried to chuckle, but it turned into a choked off sob instead.

"I was pissed at first, when I saw him in your arms...but not at you - just at the world I guess. I saw how hard you tried to save him, you started a fucking war Frank, and I know you did everything you could. I don't blame you for anything, and I know you are hurting more than I am, so I'm not going to yell at you, or hurt you, I just want to talk to someone else who knew him as well as I did - who loved him."

"Yeah - okay Mikes, I can do that." I didn't really think I was ready to vocalize my feelings about Gerard, but I owed Mikey that much, and I knew he needed this.

"Can you tell me how he died...I meant to ask earlier, but the opportunity never came up, so I still don't really know," Mikey asked warily.

I nodded before beginning the tale of what had happened. This was the first time I had relayed the exact events of Gerard's fall to anyone, and it hurt - so fucking badly, but when I was finished, I felt slightly more relieved, even though tears were streaming down both of our faces.

"Wow...you fought Lucifer for him..." Mikey wiped his face quickly, trying to hide the evidence of his emotions.

"Yeah, and I would do it again. I just wish it had actually meant something in the end."

"It did Frank," Mikey stated somberly, and even though I didn't agree, I didn't want to push the issue.

We continued to talk for the rest of the day, moving on to happier topics, and Mikey even filled me in on what Gerard had been like when he was alive. It ached to hear his name spoken so often, but it was almost a good pain, and I soaked up every fact and held them close to my heart.

"I have his journal Mikes, if you want to read it," I mentioned during a lull in our conversation, pointing to my bag so he would know where it was.

"Maybe one day...not right now though," Mikey mumbled quietly.

"Yeah...I understand."

"Thank you Frank," Mikey stated out of the blue.

"For what?" I questioned.

"For loving him...you made him so happy, seriously - I have never seen Gerard like that before. So thank you for making his last days some of the best ones he probably ever had."

I couldn't answer him, I was too choked up, and Mikey understood. He simply embraced me as I cried against his shoulder, and I could tell by the hitching in his chest that he was crying too.

We stayed that way for quite some time, releasing our sorrow through our tears, and it helped a bit. Mikey related to what I was feeling better than anyone, and having him there was so much better than being alone.

I am almost done with this book, for real this time haha. There is going to be one more chapter, and then an epilogue, and I think I might try and write them both out tonight if I have the time.

Thank you guys so much for putting up with me for so long, but the next chapter is the one that I think most of you have been waiting for.

This chapter is dedicated to 2Human4Nature because she kinda ships Billie Joe and Frank like I do, even though I am not going to do that to you guys, this is still a Frerard lol.

I am going to try and have the next chapter posted very soon, so stick around ^_^

<3 starr