Private Angel Log Entry Ten

"I'm going after him."

"Frank you can't, that's exactly what Lucifer wants you to do, and all that will end up happening is that you will die and leave Gerard completely alone. Is that what you want?" Brendon crossed his arms over his chest as he argued with me.

"Of course not, but if you think I am going to leave him to rot in Hell then you obviously don't know me very well," I snapped back bitterly.

"You know that's not what I mean...all I am saying is that if you go storming off to spit in Lucifer's face, you will just end up dead, and you are no help to Gerard that way."

"Gerard made it out of Hell," I protested stubbornly, even though I was running out of points to bring up. We had been debating this for an hour now, and I was two seconds away from flying off with or without his consent.

"Gerard had the element of surprise on his side. If you go down there, Lucifer will be ready with everything he has at his disposal, and you won't survive that - none of us will."

"I never said you had to come with me," I shot back angrily, not that I was actually upset with Brendon. His words made sense, I just didn't want to hear them, all I wanted was Gerard back safe and sound. I needed to hold him in my arms again, he had only been missing for a few hours, and I was already a wreck, which didn't bode well for my mental state if I wasn't able to extricate him soon.

I was currently pacing around the living room with my wings fully extended in an attempt to warm them up, they had been almost frozen solid from my extended flight in the harsh weather conditions, and I was only just beginning to regain some feeling in them.

I couldn't seem to keep still, because that made it seem like I wasn't doing anything productive, so I continued my pointless trek; walking back and forth over the rug so many times, I was surprised that I hadn't worn straight through it already.

The others had convinced me to return back to the lodge, but not before I had searched the surrounding wilderness for any sign of Gerard for hours, and I only agreed because I was so cold, I could barely stay in the air.

This place felt empty now...when only hours before it had been filled with life and love, and I couldn't call it my home - not anymore, and it wouldn't be one until Gerard graced it with his presence again.

"You are an idiot if you think we aren't going to help you with this. We just need to calm down and think of a plan okay?" Brendon tried to lay a comforting hand on my arm, but I pulled out of his grasp roughly.

"Fuck that! I need to find him now - fuck - he's probably being tortured as we speak..." I collapsed onto the couch, overcome by a sudden wave of weakness, and if I hadn't already puked my guts out earlier, I would have thrown up on the living room floor.

The mental images my mind provided me with were enough to make anyone nauseous, all of them involving a bloody and broken Gerard, calling out my name desperately as I watched, unable to do anything to help him.

I wrapped my wings around my body in a pathetic attempt to shield myself from the world, which actually only made me think of Gerard even more, because he loved when I would encase him in my feathers. He told me it made him feel protected and loved, but I had failed to keep him safe this time...

"We will save him Frank, I promise." Brendon sank down on the cushion next to me warily, but my fury was receding, and crippling depression was rapidly taking its place.

"I might have an idea," Billie Joe spoke up softly from his original position on the floor. Even though most of the seats were now free since everyone else had retreated to their rooms to give us some privacy, he had remained there, and I had managed to forget about his presence entirely until just now.

"Well spit it out then!" I hissed in exasperation. If I had been in a normal state of mind, I would have felt badly for speaking in such a rude tone to an angel I barely knew, but obviously I had more pressing concerns on my mind.

"Well it's evident that you can't retrieve Gerard from Hell. That's suicide, plain and simple, so you need to draw Lucifer out instead."

"And how do you propose I do that?" I sighed heavily, because that seemed even more impossible than rescuing Gerard single handily.

"By giving him something he wants," Billie shrugged like the answer was simple, but I was still fucking confused.

"Stop talking in riddles please?" Brendon whined, and I was glad to know I wasn't the only one who wasn't following this strange angel's train of thought.

"Well...promise him something, it doesn't really matter what, and you don't even have to follow through on it. Tell him you will give him intelligence on the archangel's movements, or that you will set up a situation where he can attack them unaware. Anything that will get him out of Hell and up here, where you have a much better chance of coming out of the encounter alive," Billie finally spoke more than one sentence, and I had to admit, his idea was a good one.

"But how do I guarantee that he will bring Gerard with him?" I pressed eagerly.

"Make it a condition of your meeting, and even if he doesn't follow through on it, you can have some of us standing by to try and break him out of Hell if he leaves him, it will be easier without Lucifer there."

"That could work..." I mused to myself, but apparently Billie wasn't done talking.

"It is by no means a flawless plan, and it still has a lot of kinks that need to be worked out...I can already see twenty five instances in which this could all go terrible wrong, and the chance of Gerard surviving long enough for us to reach him is only about twelve percent -"

"Thank you Billie, but I think that's enough scheming for one night," Brendon cut him off before he could finish his thought, and Billie snapped his mouth shut with an audible click.

"Well I will be in my room if you need me," he muttered before walking off at a slow pace.

"Sorry about that, Billie Joe is just really...special. He's like super fucking smart, and he is always calculating things in his head, but I didn't think you really wanted to hear the odds of Gerard being saved laid out like that," Brendon explained guiltily.

"It's okay...I mean, at least he thought of a plan...that's something." His idea had actually given me a bit of hope, but now that he was gone, the full impact of this situation began to overwhelm me again, and it took all the strength I possessed not to start sobbing on the sofa.

"I'm so fucking stupid Bren...I shouldn't have let him go out alone. Fucking hell, we should have moved locations ages ago! I got complacent, and Gerard is paying the price..."

"You can't blame yourself Frank. Lucifer was pissed, he probably would have tracked you down no matter where you went." Brendon continued to try and lighten my mood, but it was a pointless effort, and I just wanted to be left alone so I could go after Gerard, but I think he knew that, and it was for that reason that he had glued himself to my side.

"At least let me go out and look for him again, maybe he got away somehow and we just missed him in the dark?" I pleaded desperately, because I had to do something - anything, to keep myself from going insane, even though I knew he wasn't hiding somewhere in the snow, but I wanted to remain in denial for a little while longer.

"Frank - we canvased the area for miles...it's pointless, and I'm not letting you freeze to death out there."

"What am I supposed to do Bren...he's my everything and I - I can't stand the thought of him being back in Hell...it's killing me," I choked out softly.

"You need to sleep, and then in the morning, we will expand on Billie Joe's idea." Brendon seemed so confident in our ability to rescue Gerard, but right now, I couldn't see how that was possible. My brain was scrambled from the shock of everything that had just occurred, and maybe I did need some rest - just enough so that I could think properly again.

"Fine..." I gave in sullenly, even though I felt terribly guilty for giving up on Gerard, even if it was just for the night, and I climbed the stairs to what had been our room with weighted feet and an even heavier heart, while Brendon followed me like an obedient watch dog.

"Just try and relax for a bit, and I swear to god, if you aren't in your room when I check on you, I am going to be fucking pissed." Brendon smiled weakly, and I simply nodded in return, because I wasn't going to sneak out behind his back, not when I knew that it would do absolutely nothing to help Gerard.

As I was climbing into bed, I had to fight another wave a sickness, because it wasn't fair that I was here while Gerard was probably shackled in the bowels of Hell, and I would give anything in the world to reverse our positions.

I would trade my life for his in an instant if I could actually trust that Lucifer would keep his word, and I wasn't willing to risk everything on that slight chance. Knowing him, he would simply kill us both, but even that situation seemed more appealing than the one I was currently in.

I was feeling so many different sensations all at once it was making me dizzy; one second I was brimming with righteous hatred, and all I wanted to do was storm off and fight my way through Hell, regardless of the chances of success, and then the next, I was on the verge of tears, my hands shaking so badly that I couldn't wield a weapon.

I knew I needed to consider this rationally if I wanted to save Gerard, but it was impossible to separate myself from anything involving him, and I was terrified that it might get both of us killed if I didn't manage to get my emotions under control.

As I gazed around, taking in the messy pile of clothes that Gerard had tossed onto the floor carelessly to his favorite pair of boots that were propped carefully against the wall so they wouldn't get scuffed by mistake, I wanted to cry, or scream, or punch the wall, but I did none of those things; because I knew that if I gave in to my despair, I wouldn't be able to drag myself out, so I forced myself to stay completely still until I was certain that I wasn't going to destroy the place in a fit of sorrow.

I couldn't stay in this room that held so many memories of Gerard, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave, because it was the only reminder I had of him right now, and even though it just made me long for him even more, it also helped me feel closer to him. I collapsed on the bed limply, exhausted in body, but wide awake mentally, choking back my tears as I crawled under the blankets.

I wasn't surprised when sleep eluded me, I couldn't even close my eyes without visions of Gerard dancing across my lids, and his scent that was still present on the pillow wasn't helping matters any. I buried my face into it, breathing in deeply, trying to pretend that he was lying here beside me, and that all the events that had transpired earlier tonight were some horrible nightmare, and when I woke up, Gerard would be snuggled into my side, and everything would be perfect.

Sorry this is so short, but I wanted to put out something after that cliffhanger I left you on the last chapter.

I loved reading all of your comments on the last chapter though. Does it make me evil that I like watching people freak out because of my stories? Yeah it probably does haha...

This chapter is dedicated to MyChemicalAnarchy because she is a really amazing author, and I just found out that she is reading this story, which basically made my day ^_^

This is probably going to get much worse before it gets better...so be prepared to hate me again very soon.

((((don't kill me vibes))))

<3 starr