Private Angel Log Entry Seven

When I first met Gerard, I rejoiced over the return of emotions that I hadn't realized I had been missing out on, but now I would do anything to have them taken away from me until he returned. I felt empty, terrified, pathetic, and he had only been gone for a few hours.

I hadn't realized how dependent I had become on him until now, and it hurt more than I had ever imagined to be separated from him. I had tried to keep a positive attitude over the past five days, but now that I was alone, I felt as if I was drowning in a tidal wave of despair.

I wanted to believe that he would return to me - fuck, he had to, but the fact that he might not had me spiraling into a seriously messed up state of mind. I couldn't seem to remember how to function like normal, I spent hours wandering around the house, trying not to break down crying before I gave up and locked myself in the bathroom so Mikey wouldn't hear my sobs.

I had long since cried myself out, now I was just lying on the cold tile floor as the shower water flowed around me, symbolizing the tears I had run out of. I didn't have the strength to stand up, even though the water was running cold, and in the back of my mind, I realized that I was extremely uncomfortable.

I found a strange beauty in the sad picture I presented; a worthless angel grieving over his demon lover, trying to drown his emotions with water like that would actually change anything about the way I felt inside. It almost seemed as if I was in my own personal bubble of despair, with nothing but the sound of falling water and my harsh breathing to keep me company.

I just didn't have the energy to get up and keep on faking my way through life without Gerard by my side. What was the point? I might as well just stay here until he returned, or until it became apparent that he never would.

I didn't know what I would do if he didn't...I owed it to Mikey to try and find some other way to save him, but if I knew how to do that, then I wouldn't be in this situation. At the very least, I would give him a proper funeral, Gerard would want me to do that if he wasn't able to.

Fuck - I am already thinking like he is dead, I can't do this to myself, but my brain seems determined to self-destruct, and I don't have any say in it. Someone seriously needs to invent an off switch for emotions, because I would pay a shit ton of money for one of those.

All I can think of is how I am going to end it if Gerard dies, I could storm Hell and take out as many demons as possible before they overwhelm me in some sort of sweet revenge for Gerard, or I could confront the archangels, they would put me to death for my sins, but I might be able to be the catalyst that gets them overthrown and makes God notice how fucked up everything has gotten in Heaven during his absence.

I wonder where he is...it's obvious he isn't present on Earth, because he would never turn a blind eye to the archangels power trip for this long, but as far as Brendon knows, he hasn't been seen in months.

A loud knock on the door interrupted my skewed thought pattern, and proved to be the motivation I needed to drag my shivering body off of the freezing floor. After slipping on some pants and running a towel through my soaked hair, I warily walked downstairs.

In any normal circumstances, I should have been on high alert, no one but Brendon was supposed to know about this hideout, so the fact that there was someone here right now couldn't be good news, but I was too fucked up to care if it was a horde of demons at the door, at least that way I would have something to distract myself with for a little while.

It wasn't demons though - if my senses were still functioning properly, and it wasn't an angel either; as far as I could tell, it was just an ordinary human. Probably some poor hiker or crazy ski enthusiast that got lost and wants a place to crash for the night. I debated just ignoring them until they went away, but curiosity had driven back some of my despair, and I wasn't eager to fall down into my depression again so soon.

Against my better judgment, I opened the door a crack and peered at the bundled up figure shivering on the porch. It was impossible to ascertain his features under all the winter wear, but he looked young, and he was definitely male. When I was assured that he wasn't some psychotic killer - not that a human could kill me anyway, I stepped out into the cold next to him, not wanting him inside with Mikey.

I am sure I was quite a sight, standing outside in the negative temperatures with nothing but a ripped up pair of jeans for protection, but the cold didn't affect me nearly as much as it did humans, and I couldn't be bothered to care about this random stranger's opinion of me. If he thought I was crazy, that would probably work in my favor anyway.

"You lost?" I asked brusquely, not really in the mood for small talk.

"Nah - some dude paid me a hundred bucks to give this letter to you, and he basically threatened to kill me if I took the money and ran, so yeah - here I am." He held out a slightly crumpled envelope with Brendon's familiar handwriting on the outside.

Damn - I can't believe Brendon threatened this kid, but I guess he didn't really have many other options when it came to messengers, I just didn't know he had it in him to appear malicious.

"Thanks. Do you need anything or...?" I knew I was being rude, but I didn't want this teenager in my house eating all our food and possibly disturbing Mikey. Apparently another side effect of being separated from Gerard was that I became a complete asshole.

"Nah man, my snowmobile's down there, I am just gonna drive back into town, and don't worry, that other dude told me to forget that I was ever here, so I won't mention it to anyone." This kid's dialect was seriously getting on my nerves, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized I wouldn't have to house him for the night.

"Okay - thanks again." I watched him descend the porch steps, and I didn't head back inside until I could no longer see his obnoxious purple snowmobile on the horizon.

After checking to make sure that the noise hadn't awoken Mikey - which it hadn't, I sank down onto the couch in the living room with Brendon's letter in my hand. The envelope had gotten a bit wet, from the snow I imagined, but I could still read it easily.

"Read immediately when you receive this" was splayed across the front, and my heart seized in my chest at the words.

What if Brendon had found another way to save Mikey, and Gerard had gone to his probable death for no reason. Tearing open the damaged envelope carelessly, I devoured the contents of the letter like a starving man presented with food for the first time in ages.

Frank...

I'm so sorry to tell you this, because I know it won't help now, but I found the formula to make Livian.

Unfortunately, it takes 18 days for a batch to be ready, which Mikey doesn't have, but if Gerard succeeds, then you won't have anything to worry about in the future.

The ingredients are as follows:

Two crushed nightflower petals

Rain that hasn't touched the earth

Fresh honey (from a beehive)

A handful of pine needles

A pint of angel blood

According to the book, you just mix it all together in a glass jar and let it sit for eighteen days. I found the information from a tome we stole from Hell on a raiding mission ages ago, so it should be accurate. I will bring you some more Verium on my next visit, so you will be prepared if we can't see each other for a while.

Speaking of my next visit...it might be sooner than expected. Things are getting bad in Heaven, and the archangels are beginning to get suspicious of our group. Angels have been going missing, and we don't feel safe here any longer.

A few of us are going to try and sneak out the precious documents we have found to your place since it is a safe location. We can't lose all our hard work, and it's obvious that it's only a matter of time until they find our hiding place in Heaven.

I don't know what to do Frank. The archangels have completely taken over, and God is nowhere to be found. They are riling the angels up, trying to convince them to incite a full on war with Hell.

If this was just another raid, I wouldn't be too worried, but this is bigger than that. I think this is going to turn into something that not even the humans can ignore. We want no part in this power contest, so most of us are probably going to desert soon.

I just need to find out where they are keeping the angels that have disappeared, I know they are holding them somewhere, and I refuse to leave them behind. So basically, don't freak out if a couple hundred angels show up on your doorstep sometime in the near future.

I am praying for Gerard and you, if prayers even mean anything with God apparently MIA...

Stay safe.

Brendon.

P.S. According to the book, Livian is extremely addictive, so when Gerard gets back, make sure Mikey only drinks a small amount, or else he will become insanely dependent on it. One swallow should do the trick, maybe two if he doesn't respond right away. Leave it to me to almost forget the most important thing to tell you until the end.

Okay - goodbye for real this time. Don't forget you are not alone in this.

Well I wanted a distraction, and Brendon's letter definitely fit the bill. I didn't know what to focus on first: the relief that Gerard hadn't gone to Hell in vain, the worry over the poor state of affairs that Heaven had fallen in, or what my own role in all of this would be if the angels did indeed desert?

It was too much for my already overwhelmed mind, and I just wanted to run away from the world and live out life with Gerard somewhere that the reaches of Heaven and Hell could never bother us, but I wouldn't do that, these angels were my brethren, and they needed my support in this. I just couldn't believe the archangels were actually considering an all-out war on Hell, the sheer stupidity of it was astounding.

Demons may be traditionally weaker than angels, but they outnumber us by the thousands, and in a massive battle, they could easily overpower us. This plan was nothing short of mass suicide, the last war between the two had cut the angel population almost in half, and back then the sides had been decently equal. The enormous losses on both sides had deterred anyone from ever attempting such a thing again, but apparently the archangels were too blinded by their lust for power to remember those details.

Pressing the palms of my hands against my eyes, I attempted to shut out my thoughts for just a few seconds. As disastrous as this all could be, there was no guarantee it would happen. Brendon could be overreacting, which wouldn't be the first time, or God could show up to end this at any moment, if he even cares anymore.

I didn't understand what could be so important that he would just stand aside and watch Heaven slowly self-destruct, but maybe that was his plan all along. This could be his own personal flood to rid Heaven of corruption, and he would begin anew with whatever angels managed to survive. As cruel as that sounds, I wouldn't be surprised if that was what he was doing, God had a strange way of showing love, and I was used to it by now.

Or maybe this was something else entirely, maybe whatever horror the seventh prophecy alluded to is coming closer, and God is forbidden to interfere, even he can't change a predestined event. I just wish I had any idea what that was.

I had showed the prophecy to Gerard before he had left, and he was just as stumped as I was, but in his defense, he had been occupied with preparing for his journey to Hell, so he hadn't been able to give it his full attention. I felt like we were both missing something obvious, but other worries had gotten in the way, and I was too emotional fucked up to ponder it right now.

Because when it all comes down to it, nothing matters if Gerard doesn't come back - not to me anyway. I don't care how selfish that sounds, but the world could end and I wouldn't care, because he is my whole world, and without him, I have nothing.

I don't know exactly how or when this happened; even when I was alive, I didn't depend on Jamia for my happiness, she just enhanced life - she wasn't essential to it. Yes, I loved her, and I would have been devastated if she had died, but I would have picked up the pieces of my heart and continued on, but Gerard is different, he has changed me completely; he is buried under my skin, and now he is a permanent part of my being. Losing him would be like cutting myself in half and expecting my body to still be able to function.

In the situation we are in, I realized that this relationship is borderline unhealthy and detrimental - to me at least, I am unsure if Gerard feels the same dependency that plagues me. I would change it if I could, but it's too late to do anything now besides hope and pray for his safe return.

I remember when nothing used to bother me, when my world was black and white with a few splashes of colored emotions on rare occasions. As much as I despise this hopelessness I am feeling right now, I wouldn't really want to go back to feeling that way. I had been dead - not just physically, but mentally, basically just a robot that carried out his daily tasks without comment or complaint.

Now I was alive - metaphorically speaking, and as much as this fucking hurt, at least I could feel again. At least I had someone that I loved more than life itself, because before Gerard, I don't think anyone would have cared if I lived or died, and now I had someone that did. That was worth the trade-off of unruly emotions - right?

Deciding to end my own internal debate on a positive note, I dragged my now numb ass off of the couch and headed upstairs to go check on Mikey before I spiraled back into the blacker state of mind I had been entrenched in earlier.

I refused to look into Gerard and I's room as I passed it, I know I was acting like he was already dead, but there was just too many memories on those sheets that still smelled like him, and I wanted to avoid the inevitable breakdown that would occur once I had to go in there. I pushed Mikey's door open gently, and was pleasant surprised to see him awake and sort of sitting up.

"Hey Mikey, how are you feeling?" I entered the room fully and sat down next to him on the bed, glad to have company that wasn't in the form of an annoying teenager with a purple snowmobile.

"Better right now, it kinda comes in waves you know?" He shrugged his shoulders as if to say it was no big deal, even though he was fucking dying - so yeah, it was a big deal.

"Do you need anything? Can you stomach some food?" I felt useless in this situation, I mean, there was literally nothing I could do, but I still wanted to ease his suffering in some way.

The lines of pain had physically marked his face, his brown hair hung sadly around his thinning frame, and he really needed a haircut, but that was probably the last thing on his mind right now. He was barely recognizable as the scared looking boy I had met what seemed like ages ago, but in reality was only a few months back.

I remembered how at first glance, I doubted his ability to make it a week on the run from demons and angels, but then he had basically torn my head off when he thought I was hurting his brother, and I realized he had spark, it was just buried under precautions and worries. That spark was dimming now, and all that made Mikey himself was fading away with it. His usual wit and sarcasm was fleeting and half assed - when present at all, and pain had become his entire being.

"Nah - maybe just some water..." He trailed off and a glassy look came over his face.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked worriedly, I didn't know if this was going to turn into another hallucination or not, but I was prepared to jump into action.

"Yeah, I just noticed that Gee's gone huh?" Well at least Mikey's demon senses were still working if he noticed the absence of Gerard's presence, or maybe that was just a brotherly bond thing that I would never understand.

"Oh yeah, he is. He said goodbye to you this morning, but you were knocked out, and he didn't have the heart to wake you," I answered softly.

"Do you think he will make it back Frank? Honestly?" Mikey gazed up at me with wide trusting eyes, and even though every fiber of my being wanted to comfort him and tell him that he would see his big brother again soon, I found myself incapable of deceiving him.

"I don't know Mikey...fuck - I really don't. All I know is that he is going to do everything he can to save you, and that has to be enough."

"It's gonna be okay Frank, he won't leave us." Somehow the tables had turned, and the dying boy I should have been comforting was feeding me words of reassurance that I so desperately needed to hear.

And even though I didn't think it was physically possible, I found myself crying again, well actually, full out sobbing, because Mikey's unfailing faith in his brother touched me so much, and at the same time I was insanely frustrated with my inability to find that hope within myself. He shouldn't have to be the one taking care of me right now, but that's exactly what happened.

Mikey pulled me into his lap, because even with all the weight he had lost, he was still taller than me. No more words were spoken, but there was really nothing left to say, and I let everything out as he softly stroked my hair and hummed a wordless tune, making his resemblance to Gerard uncanny in that moment.

And even though what I needed were Gerard's strong arms around me, I accepted Mikey's ministrations, because I was too weak to move, and in a way, sharing my sorrow with him made it easier to bear for the time being. His tears joined my own, and we sat there for who knows how long until we had both cried ourselves into exhaustion.

I am so sorry I haven't updated this in ages, but I was having so many problems with this chapter. I kept trying to write about Gerard's journey to Hell, and I couldn't get it right, so instead of driving myself crazy, I decided to write something from Frank's POV instead, and I am a lot happier with how this turned out.

Thank you guys for sticking with this story, I am really working hard on this, and I know the lack of updates is frustrating, but it means so much to me that you are still reading this.

Btw what do you guys think of the new cover...and can you see it? I can see the change on my computer, but it hasn't changed on my Wattpad app, which is pissing me off because I really like the new one so much better, and it took me ages to make it.

This chapter is dedicated to herp-le-derp because you were asking about an update so here it is :)

I will try not to make you wait a hundred years for the next chapter this time, but no promises.

<3 starr