Private Angel Log Entry Five

I can't sleep...every time I try, I am jolted awake by visions of Pete's bloody body...my mind refuses to let me rest, and I don't deserve it after what I have done. All of my senses are on overdrive, and I can't seem to relax. My body seems to be punishing me for the sin I have committed...I feel physically ill, my skin is burning up, and my stomach is roiling angrily.

Currently, I am trying to distract myself so I don't wake Gerard, he is still healing, and he needs his rest. He has done enough for me tonight anyway, without him, I would still be an inconsolable wreck.

I don't really know what to write, so I think I will just record what happened earlier today. If Heaven does manage to get its hands on me, at least they will know what really happened to Pete...he deserves that much. Oh god - I still can't believe I killed him...

I hate what I have become so much...someone save me from myself, because I am losing sight of who I am, and it terrifies me...

When I winged away from our hiding place, I truly didn't anticipate running into any problems. I had hidden our trail well, and no one knew of my secret dwelling in Heaven, so I thought we were going to be granted a few days of peace.

I underestimated their determination to find me though, I foolishly thought that once I had been missing for a few days that they would return to their original duties and forget all about me. Why couldn't they just let me go? I had made my choice, and nothing anyone did or said could change that.

I sensed Pete long before I saw him, his aura was familiar to me because of how long we had served together, and I did my best to lose him. He had always been an excellent tracker though, and despite my best efforts, he tailed me for hours. I was a faster flyer than him, and I could have kept up our game of cat and mouse for longer, but I decided to face him and try to talk him down.

I thought I would be able to convince him to leave me be if he understood everything that had been happening lately...I was such an idiot for trying...I should have kept running. If I had, Pete might still be alive right now.

I waited for him to appear in a deserted clearing, finally, his shaggy black hair came into view, and I drew my sword as a precautionary measure. His own long sword was already clenched firmly in his hand, but I wasn't worried.

Years ago, angels used to hunt demons together in squadrons before our ranks had been reduced so drastically. Pete and I had been on the same squad, so I knew his strengths and weakness inside and out. I had always come out on top in all of our practice battles, and I knew I could overpower him again. He was too headstrong when he fought, he never gave himself enough time to react to a counterattack, and with my speed, I was a force to be reckoned with.

"Don't come any closer Pete!" I called out once he was within earshot of my voice. He pulled up and began to hover in place, but he didn't sheathe his weapon, so neither did I.

"You have no right to tell me what to do anymore Frank. You lost all of your privileges when you abandoned Heaven," Pete spat out.

"I didn't want to leave...I was driven out by the archangels! Please just let me explain my side before you make your decision!" I pleaded desperately.

"No! I don't want to hear any more words from your lying mouth. The archangels told us you have been corrupted by a demon, so you can't be trusted!" Pete roared as he threw himself at me. I deflected his blow easily, then backed out of his reach. I didn't want to fight him...this was my friend.

"That isn't true. I am not under any spell. You just don't understand! Not all demons are evil...if you would just listen to me..."

"Shut up!" Pete screamed as he barreled toward me again.

I choose to dodge out of his way instead of fight back, and this enraged him even further. Pushing himself to the limit, Pete put on a burst of speed and managed to nick me in the back with his sword, dangerously close to my fragile wing joint. This situation was rapidly spiraling out of control. Demons may not be able to kill each other, but angels can, and I was in a dangerous position.

"Why won't you just listen to me?!" I yelled as I spun around and unleashed a counter attack, driving Pete back on the defensive.

"Because you aren't the angel I served with for all those years anymore. That Frank would never have betrayed us for some random demon. Your name is blight on Heaven, and as long as I still have breath in my body, I will not let a sinner like you roam free!" Pete retaliated with a series of quick blows, which caught me off guard since I was reeling from the force of his words.

Was that really what people thought of me now...I knew the archangels would instantly disown me, but I had thought my friends would at least be willing to give me a chance?

"I am still me Pete! I have my reasons for leaving, but if you want to take the archangel's word for it, then that is your choice. I thought you knew me better than that though." I tried my hardest to get through to him with words, but I could tell he wasn't listening to me anymore. His face was contorted in a mask of fury, and he didn't let up on his relentless assault.

"You don't deserve the chance to explain yourself. All I am willing to give you is death...but before I kill you, I will make you take me to your demon lover, so I can murder him in front of you. That will be a fitting punishment for the crimes you have committed," Pete taunted me.

"You will not touch him!" I bellowed in outrage.

Pete had pushed me too far, and I began to fight back in earnest now. Gerard was my soft spot, and the thought of Pete laying one finger on him enraged me. I pounded my sword against his furiously, sparks flew from our conjoined blades each time they struck. With a powerful swing, I unarmed my one time friend, and he watched in horror as his weapon tumbled downward in a lazy spiral. I jabbed him in the shoulder while he was caught off guard and forced him down to the loamy earth.

"This is your last chance Pete...leave here and forget you ever saw me. I will be long gone by the time you can return with reinforcements, so please just go..."

"Kill me if you must, but I will never stop hunting you," Pete spat in my face.

"I don't want to do this Pete. I don't care how much you hate me now, I am still your friend."

"I would never stoop so low as to call someone who fraternizes with demons a friend." As Pete spoke, his eyes flicked down toward his hand, and that was the only warning I received before he drew a hidden dagger and attempted to plunge it into my chest. I was too quick for him through, and I caught his wrist before the blade could touch my skin.

"Please Pete...can't you see this is wrong? Angels shouldn't be killing each other, no matter what grievances lie between them."

"You are not an angel...that title has been stripped from you. Now you are just a renegade." Pete gritted his teeth in pain as he continued to try and drive the dagger into my heart. My sword was still lodged in his shoulder, so every inch he gained on me meant more steel entered his body.

Crimson blood stained the ground around us, and I came to the realization that I wasn't going to be able to talk Pete out of this. Our battle wouldn't end until one of us was dead, and I refused to let that be me. If I died, Gerard would be defenseless, and I couldn't abandon him again. I had to do this, no matter how much I dreaded it.

Tears filled my eyes as I snapped Pete's wrist, causing him to drop the dagger into the rapidly growing pool of blood. Trying my hardest to block out his cries of pain, I ripped my sword out of his shoulder and angled it downward for the killing blow.

"Please forgive me..." I didn't know if I was asking Pete, or God, or both.

I watched the sword descend in slow motion, as if someone had decelerated time for a moment to make sure I realized what I was about to do, and I did...as much as I despised myself for it, I would do anything to protect Gerard...even kill a friend.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I plunged the blade into Pete's chest, making sure to slice directly across the heart so he wouldn't be able to heal himself. Angels have regenerative powers, but if we are stabbed in the heart or beheaded, we die, unlike demons who can survive almost anything unless their corpses are burned.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry," I cried as I dropped to my knees and cradled Pete's body in my arms.

His lips moved, but no words came out, only blood trickled from his mouth and down his chin. Sobbing loudly, I rocked back and forth as I held my dying friend.

Slowly, his skin began to glow with a golden sheen as if he had a tiny sun inside of him. It started out in the center of his chest and began to spread outward, before long, every part of him shone with a dazzling luminescence. Piece by piece, he began to break apart into tiny shimmering particles, and my hands passed through his torso where I was still clutching him. As the specks of light broke apart, Pete was no longer recognizable, he was now a cloud of glittering dust that swirled around me in a lazy dance.

I had never seen an angel die before, but I had been told of this phenomenon. Hearing and seeing are two different things though, and I watched in awe until every speck of radiance had faded away.

Supposedly once we died, our souls disconnected from our vessels for a brief moment before they were taken wherever we go when we reach the final death, and the shining orbs are the last remnants of our consciousness leaving the world.

It was beautiful in a tragic way...no body was left behind to fester and rot, so even in death, we maintained some dignity, but that also meant that there was nothing left for loved ones to bury, no grave to remember the fallen by and weep over when we missed them.

I don't know how long I stayed kneeling on the blood soaked ground, crying my eyes out. I felt as if my heart was ripped asunder, and I wasn't sure if I could recover from this sin. Even my wings spoke of my guilt, as I wrapped them around my body in a pathetic attempt to shield myself from the world, I watched as the gray stain on my tips spread to cover even more of my white feathers.

When an angel commits a serious transgression, their wings will slowly change from pure white to a darker shade. Almost all angels had some sort of coloration, the sins you committed in life carried over in death, so it was rare to see pure white plumage. Still, witnessing physical proof of my wrongdoings only increased my emotional agony, and I began to sob even harder.

I never meant for this to happen...how did everything go so wrong so quickly? None of this has turned out like I had planned, and I have no idea how to fix the mess that has become my life. Now I truly deserved the death sentence Heaven has pinned on my head. I could never return now, and the loss of my home aches like a physical wound.

I knew I was risking everything by helping Gerard, but I had always planned on going back and pleading my case eventually. Now, all hopes of that are dashed, and I am truly the renegade that Pete had named me.

I wonder what everyone else in Heaven will think of me when they learn what I have done. Will Ray still understand why I left...and Brendon...I had promised to help him find out about the secret prophecy, and then I had left him all alone...I wonder how he is faring now? In trying to help Gerard, I have hurt so many innocent people along the way...

I don't regret it...even after everything that has happened, he is still worth it. Meeting him has been the best thing to happen to me in years. It just seems like we are cursed with one misfortune after the other. I would do anything for him, but I am beginning to worry that this is all going to end in tragedy...I mean, how can we ever be happy if we are constantly being hunted for the rest of our lives?

I thought Heaven would give up on me after I had managed to evade them for a few weeks, but I was obviously mistaken. Going by Pete's words, they weren't going to give up until I was dead...which meant I was putting Gerard in more danger than he was currently in, but even if I managed to draw off Heaven's pursuers, he would still be in peril of a demon finding him.

I don't know what to do...my mind is spinning in one hundred different directions at once, and I don't know what is right and wrong anymore. My main priority is keeping Gerard safe, but we can't just hide forever.

I need to find a way to get in contact with Ray or Brendon to discover if I still have their trust. I can't shake the feeling that this hidden prophecy is something monumental, and I won't be able to find out anything about it on the run, but if I risk myself, I could inadvertently put Gerard in their line of fire, and I can't do that...if I lost him, I would have no reason to live anymore. I think I love him...

I can't believe I actually just wrote that down. I haven't loved anyone in a very long time...not since I was alive that is. It's a terrifying feeling, but exhilarating all at the same time. Even something so simple as watching him sleep makes my stomach erupt with butterflies...I keep glancing over at him every few minutes.

He is so beautiful to look at, I still can't believe he is real...his bright hair is falling in his face, and his gorgeous lips are slightly parted. I love seeing him like this, no lines of pain or worry mar his face, and he seems so young and innocent.

When I am around him, I feel as if nothing can hurt me...he makes the world a better place just by existing. I can't imagine my life without him, and that is where my terror lies...I almost lost him the other day, and I cannot go through that again.

He is my love, my heart, my everything. I have fallen so hard, so fast, that I am scared I am going to hit the ground at any minute and shatter into a thousand pieces.

I wonder if he loves me too...I mean, I know he clearly cares a lot about me, but is that love, and how will he see me when he notices my darkening wings...will he realize that I am not some perfect angelic being anymore and become disgusted with me? I hate myself right now, so I honesty wouldn't blame him if he did.

I am being ridiculous - I know...Gerard obviously doesn't hate me. He had no reason to stay up all night and comfort me, but he did, which evidently shows he still cares, and that song he wrote...I have never heard anything more beautiful in my entire life, just thinking about it pulls me back from this dark ledge I am teetering on.

I wish I could just talk to him about how I am feeling, but I am so scared...I couldn't take rejection right now, and I would rather hide my love than risk whatever precarious relationship we. I just want him to be mine for however long we have left.

Our relationship may have been doomed from the start, but I refuse to give up on us. Maybe tomorrow I will work up the courage to tell him...or the next day...

Surprisingly, writing this all down has managed to calm my racing mind a bit. It seems penning these poisonous thoughts onto paper leeched some of the consuming guilt from my brain, and it is now contained on this page. I have committed an atrocious act, but one day I will make up for it like Gerard said.

If I give up now, then everything I have done has been for nothing, and I refuse to let that happen. I will carry on...for every angel in Heaven that still believes in me...for Mikey...for myself...but most of all, for Gerard.

Phew I finally finished this chapter! I was trying to have this up yesterday, but it was giving me some problems, so hopefully it turned out well :)

How was everyone's Halloween...or Ieroween hehe? I dressed up as Robin, but I kinda felt like a combination of Danger Days and Revenge Gerard because I have bright red hair and I was wearing a black mask. I had a ton of fun, though I drank way too much, and I regretted it today haha.

Updates are probably going to be about a week apart from now on, unless I magically find out how to stop time, but thank you guys for sticking with this story. It is my baby, and I am so glad you guys are enjoying it.

Stay beautiful

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