Final Private Angel Log

I can't write in this journal anymore, there is no point, because as much as I try to think of something else to pen to paper, all I can call to mind is Gerard, and I will never move on if I continue to do this to myself, so this will be the last entry in this book.

I thought I was healing, and at first, I seemed to manage without him in my life. I kept myself busy, always throwing myself into the nearest project, so by the time I returned to my room, I would be so exhausted, I wouldn't have time to think. That worked for a time, but eventually things in Heaven began to return to a semblance of normalcy, and I couldn't find enough tasks to distract myself with.

There was some excitement when Oliver fled with his group of loyal archangels in the dead of night, but that quickly died down as well. Search parties were sent out, but they managed to elude us, and since they hadn't taken anything important, we let them go. I knew they would probably cause trouble later, but that was a problem for another time.

It doesn't help that my wing is permanently ruined; the healers tried everything, even going so far as to re-break the bones twice in an attempt to get them to knit back together in the correct position, but nothing worked, so I can't even escape to the air any longer.

I feel useless now, especially since I can no longer handle my job of hunting down demons, and even though there are other things I can do without my wings, I miss the gift of flight, and my heart is caged without it.

Days turned into weeks, and before I knew it, six months had passed since Gerard died. I got worse instead of better, and I spent the majority of my time trying to find a way to bring Gerard back. All of my friends are worried about me, especially Billie; he has constantly tried to reason with me that there is nothing we can do, telling me that Gerard is truly gone, but I don't want to believe that.

I am trying to function without him, I really am, but nothing is working, and I find myself at Gerard's grave more often than not, sobbing bitterly and begging for him to come back to me. I realize that I am slowly spiraling out of control, but I can't stop myself.

Not everything is terrible though, at least my friends are happy. Ryan and Brendon seem just as in love as they were before, Mikey is adjusting well to becoming an angel, mostly thanks to Ray, who has barely left his side, and even Billie has found his own place in Heaven, taking charge of the Holy Library now that Brendon is busy with other duties. I haven't been spending nearly as much time with them as I should, but it is hard to fake happiness around them, so I avoid them more often than not.

Bob is doing well too, and I visit him quite often. I like getting out of Heaven, and his gruff nature calms me; I am tired of receiving pitying looks from the other angels, so Bob's company is a welcome change. He has organized the rebel demons into a compromised unit, and their main job is to liberate other demons that don't want to be in Hell, though they also help out Heaven whenever we have a task we can't handle on our own.

Everything is going perfectly, and I should be doing better, but I'm not. I am a mess...and I don't know how I will survive like this much longer. I just miss Gerard so much...

I finally read his journal, and I think it hurt more than it helped. It led me throughout our entire relationship, almost step by step, and I was touched that he had written about me so much. I could hear his voice as I went through it, and even though it made me happy to see how much my love had changed him - saved him even - in the end, I had basically killed him, and I would never forgive myself for that.

A knock sounded on my door, interrupting me from my writing. I was surprised that someone was here to see me, all my friends were busy with one thing or another today, and I hadn't been expecting company.

"Come in," I called out, even though it sounded more like a question than a statement.

"Hello Frank." My jaw dropped when I saw who had walked into my room, because it was God, and they didn't just come pay house calls every day. They appeared to me in the form of a man this time, with close cropped black hair and hazel eyes that reminded me a bit too much of Gerard's, but no matter how they appeared, it was impossible not to recognize God.

"What are you doing here?" I gasped out, realizing a little bit too late that my words sounded quite rude, even though I was really just shocked.

"This visit has been a long time coming, I just had to make sure of some things," God answered cryptically.

"I don't understand."

"Do you truly still love him?" God asked out of the blue, ignoring my previous sentence completely.

"With all of my heart," I answered sincerely, because I didn't have to ask who they were talking about to know it was Gerard.

"There is a way that the two of you can be reunited..."

"And you are just telling me now?" I didn't care about my tone of voice this time, even if this was God, I was still pissed.

"It was a test Frank, I had to make sure your love for him was true, and it wouldn't fade away with time. It had to be this way, believe me when I say this." God sounded almost apologetic, but I was still fuming.

"So you mean I have been losing my mind over these past six months, when you knew this the whole time?" I hissed quietly, trying to gain control over my temper.

"Yes, but I wouldn't have kept this from you if it wasn't absolutely necessary to do so."

"You aren't fucking with me...there is truly a way to bring Gerard back?" I pressed on, completely uncaring of the fact that I had just cursed in front of God.

"There is, but it is not an easy decision Frank, and it isn't a one hundred percent guarantee."

"I don't care, I just need him..." I whispered out, trying to hold onto my anger so I wouldn't start crying again.

"I can use your essence to bring him back from the final death, but he would no longer be a demon, and you would not be an angel."

"If you use up my essence, doesn't that kill me?" I questioned, because that was what had made Mikey and Gerard so sick after they had run away from Hell.

"If you remained an angel, then yes, it would, but that wouldn't be the case. You would be human, both of you would be. I would place you on Earth, and you would live out your lives like normal, but that would be it for the both of you, when you die, it will be straight to the final death. Neither of you would return as a demon or an angel."

"If I get to be with Gerard, I don't care."

"That isn't all there is to it Frank; you would lose all your memories, and the same goes for Gerard. You won't know him anymore, and he won't recognize you. I will try to place you in as close proximity as I can, but it is not a guaranteed thing."

"But...if he doesn't remember me, what if he doesn't love me anymore, what if he never does?" My heart sank as I considered my options, but this chance still seemed better than the existence I was currently living in. As much as I didn't want to forget my cherished memories of Gerard, how could I pass up the chance of having him alive again, even if we didn't love each other.

"If your love is as strong as I believe it is, he will, but it is a leap of faith. I will have no control over what happens when you become human, Gerard could die, or you two could never meet, but this is truly all I can do. I am sorry for keeping this from you for so long, but I did not do it by choice."

"I want to do it." I could tell by the surprised look on God's face that they were caught off guard by my sudden decision, but I didn't need any more time to think about this. I had sworn so many times that I would do anything for one more minute with Gerard, and even though this situation wasn't perfect, there was no way I could resist the chance of seeing him again, even if I wouldn't remember him.

"Are you absolutely sure Frank, there is no changing your mind once this is done," God pressed gently, but I simply nodded my head to show how serious I was.

"I am, I just need to tell my friends goodbye." I jumped off the bed, ready to rush off and find them, when God spoke again.

"It has to be done now Frank, all of the elements will align perfectly in a few more minutes, and I will not be able to reach into the final death once this time frame has passed. I will inform everyone of where you have gone."

"Fine, just give me a second." I tore out a page of my angel log, scribbling a quick note to my friends explaining what happened and how much I loved them. It wasn't enough, but I didn't want to waste any more time, and hopefully they knew how much they meant to me.

When I was done, I turned to back to God and followed them as they exited my room. The halls were oddly empty, but I didn't remark on it, I'm sure God had something to do with it. Instead, I spent my last few minutes as an angel pouring over my favorite memories of Gerard, since this would be the last time I could do this, but hopefully we would make some more soon.

God led me into an enormous room I had never been in before, the floor was made of glass, and I could see the darkening skies underneath us. There was an air of mystery to this place, and I felt like an intruder as soon as I entered.

"Stand in the center of the room, that is, if you are truly dedicated to taking this final step." God motioned to a circle carved in the glass, it was stained different colors, and it cast the sky in multiple hues of the rainbow as I stepped onto it.

I was certain of my choice in this moment, and I knew even if I was able to remember this, I wouldn't regret it. Yes, I would miss my friends, but they would understand why I had done this, and hopefully they would be happy for me. I knew this was the right thing to do, because I had come to accept the fact that I would never be okay again without Gerard, and I was finally getting the one thing I had been so desperate for.

I was aware of the chances of us not meeting, but I chose not to focus on that, and maybe the universe would be kind to use for once, because even if I lost all of my memories, I knew I would still love Gerard, and hopefully he would feel the same way. Even if he didn't, I would be okay with that, as long as he was a part of my life once again.

"You will be placed somewhere far away from anyone you knew when you were living, with different parents, a different house, and a different life - nod if you understand," God spoke clearly, and I did as they asked.

As I watched, the air around God began to shimmer slightly, and I knew whatever magic they were working was about to begin.

"I will drain your energy first, and it will hurt, but I have to release Gerard before I transfer you into a human. When you wake up, you will remember nothing about any of this, so if you have changed your mind, speak up now." I kept my lips firmly shut, and I saw God smile slightly out of the corner of their eye.

"I knew you were the one," they whispered quietly. I didn't think I was supposed to hear it, but before I could question them further, a bright flash of light exploded from their body and sharp pinpricks of pain erupted all over my skin.

It felt as if I had a thousand needles piercing my flesh, and each one was sucking the life out of my slowly, but I didn't care, I smiled through the pain, because after this, Gerard would be alive, and that was all that mattered.

I weakened rapidly, slumping against the cool floor as my very essence was drained from me. Just as my vision was flickering in and out, I heard God whisper one last sentence.

"Good luck Frank, we will meet again, but until then, enjoy this gift."

Then I was falling, cocooned in a comforting blackness as everything I had been was slowly stripped away from me, and I became someone entirely new. The darkness pressed around me even more as I continued to fall, but just before my eyesight began to fail me, and I knew I was about to lose consciousness, I heard someone whispering my name.

It was Gerard...

I would recognize that voice anywhere, and even though I couldn't seem to respond, I smiled to myself, because I knew we would find each other again, we just had to.

I didn't think I would finish this tonight, but I managed to pump it out, so hopefully it isn't too rushed.

Now are you guys happier with me? I felt so mean drawing it out for so long, but I didn't want everything to be all perfect straight away.

There is just the epilogue left, and it is probably going to be really short, so I will post that soon as well. I am probably going to write it in third person, just warning you guys.

Thank you all so much for sticking with all the twist and turns of this story, it really means the world to me. I love each and every one of you.

<3 starr