Entry Twenty-Two: Fire and ice and pain

I'm burning from the inside out one second, than in the next, my bones are turned to ice. There is no in-between, and these rapid shifts in temperature are disorienting to say the least, actually, they are making me downright miserable.

I know I am already suffering from withdrawals, but this is so much worse than I ever imagined it to be. It has only been a week: a week since I had escaped from Hell with Bob, a week since I had downed an entire bottle of Livian, a week since Mikey had been healed, and I don't know how much longer I can expect these painful symptoms to last.

They began two days ago; they were tolerable at first, as if I just had a mild fever, and I had managed to hide it from everyone so far, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up my facade for long, and even though I had yet to give in and drink any more Livian, I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Then Frank would find out, and I didn't want him to discover my problem that way, but it was so hard to be strong. Even though I swore to myself that I wouldn't give in, I hadn't prepared myself for this.

Because how was I supposed to keep resisting when I felt like I had a thousand suns spontaneously combusting inside me - when I was so cold that I couldn't control my shaking limbs, and each and every movement hurt so badly, I thought I would break at any moment.

I have to tell Frank so he can help me through this, but I am so scared he will be upset with me. I know he loves me, but he has bigger things to worry about right now, what with the rebels angels arriving in a few days.

Brendon managed to send another letter, telling us that as soon as everyone was gathered, they would be heading our way. What was going to happen after that, I had no idea, but I had a feeling it was going to be something monumental.

"Baby?" Frank's voice floated through the bathroom door where I was currently sequestered away, trying to get myself under control before anyone noticed my pathetic state.

"Yeah?" I answered shakily, my voice coming out in a gruff tone thanks to my parched throat.

"Bob's about to leave, are you okay in there?" I could hear the worry interlaced with his question, but I wanted to pretend that everything was okay for just a little while longer.

"I'll be right out."

I splashed water on my face quickly, hoping to cool down my flushed features before exiting the bathroom with a fake grin plastered on my face.

"He's downstairs with Mikey right now," Frank gestured, and I nodded before following him into the living room.

I had been hoping that Bob would choose to stay with us. Even though he had only been here for a short time, he had become an integral part of our dysfunctional little family, and I would miss his jovial presence, but when he found out about the angels that would soon be making our home their new base of operations, he had opted to leave, and nothing I said could change his mind.

"Hey guys," he greeted us once we reached his line of sight. His bag was already packed with the few meager possessions he owned, all that was left to do was say goodbye, and I fucking hated goodbyes.

"Hey," I mumbled quietly. I didn't know what to say now that he was really leaving; no words would ever encompass how thankful I was for everything he had done, and I think he understood that too.

"Well I'm shit with this kind of stuff, but this isn't forever, I'll be back once everything has cooled down." Bob stood up, grabbing his pack and slinging it over his shoulder.

"You better, or we will come find you ourselves," I grinned at him before pulling him in for a hug.

"Hey - I thought you learned the first time, I don't do hugs," Bob chortled, but he still wrapped his arms around me briefly before pulling away.

"Don't forget you are always welcome here anytime, I will make sure the angels don't kill you on accident," Frank smiled up at Bob.

"Oh and don't forget this." Mikey handed him a small satchel filled with bottles of Livian, it would be enough to last him for quite some time, and now that we knew how to make more, we could easily spare it.

"Thanks little dude," he ruffled Mikey's hair affectionately before stuffing the satchel into his bag.

"Stay safe okay? All of you, I don't want to have to come rescue your ass again," Bob joked lightly.

"You be careful too, I'm worried that you don't have anyone to watch your back," I replied, choking up slightly on all of my pent up emotions.

"I'll be fine, I always am, and who knows, I might be back sooner than you think if I can't find anything interesting to occupy myself with," Bob grinned cheekily.

"Well then I hope you get bored out of your mind." I really didn't want to lose Bob so soon, but his decision had been made, and I had to accept it.

"Well I doubt I will find something more interesting than all the shit you fuckers pull me into it, so it's a pretty safe bet that this isn't the last you will see of my pretty face." I laughed softly to myself, it was obvious that Bob was trying to cheer us up, but I was on the verge of tears already.

"See you soon," Frank waved as Bob headed out the door, walking backwards so he could still make eye contact with each of us.

"Bye Bob," Mikey called out, while I simply lifted my hand in farewell. I didn't trust myself to speak right now, I would probably erupt into sobs if I attempted it.

"Oh and just a friendly word of advice - don't fuck so much when all of the angels get here, Frank is one loud little fucker," Bob winked before turning to face the road, leaving me absolutely speechless, and Frank blushing so red he looked like a fire truck.

I remained on the porch until I could no longer see Bob's silhouette, and even after he had disappeared, I continued to stand there and stare into the distance. The biting wind soothed my feverish skin, and I wasn't ready to return back inside just yet.

"Come on love, it's too cold for you to stay out here much longer," Frank's gentle voice cut through my peaceful solitude.

"Just a few more minutes..." I whispered quietly. I knew Frank would still be able to hear me, and I wasn't ready for this moment to end, because then I would have to face my problems. I would be overcome by the fever, or chills, or whatever else my body decided to throw at me, and I couldn't blame my trembling hands on the weather then.

"What's wrong baby, and don't tell me it's just Bob leaving. Something else has been on your mind, I can tell." Frank stepped up beside me, crossing his arms against the railing before leaning his head on them.

"I..." My mouth was open, but I had lost the ability to form words with his piercing hazel eyes staring into my very soul. Everything I wanted to say to him had gotten all tangled up into a giant lump that was threatening to choke me.

"You know you can tell me anything," Frank pressed, and I did know that. I wanted to tell him - fuck, I needed to tell him, but try as I might, the right words wouldn't come.

"I'm scared." That wasn't exactly what I was trying to say, but it was the truth. I was fucking terrified of what was happening to me, and I didn't know how much longer I could go without giving in to this new addiction.

"Of what?" was Frank's simple question.

"I - I did something...and I feel like such an idiot...but I didn't know it was wrong, and now...now -"

"It's okay Gerard. Whatever it is, I will be there for you, I don't want you to be afraid of me."

Frank wrapped his arms around me, and they felt so fucking good, as if his touch alone was holding back the painful symptoms that I had been struggling with this past week. So I began to speak, even though the words burned my throat as they left, as if each one had to be dragged out with a white hot poker, but I didn't stop, because it was too late now, and if I didn't tell Frank, he would know I was lying to him, and he would hate me, and that would kill me long before this addiction did.

"When I was in Hell...I...I was just feeling so weak, and I was worried that I wouldn't make it out alive, so I swallowed a whole bottle of Livian. I swear - I didn't know it was addictive, but now I want more - I need more, and I'm hurting Frank. Everything hurts, and I don't know what to do. I've fucked up again..." The tears I had been holding in for so long finally broke free, traveling down my face in a steady torrent.

"Oh Gee...why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I thought you would be disappointed in me...and you were so happy, I just didn't want you to worry. I thought I could deal with it on my own, but it's so hard Frank." I rested my head in the crook of his neck, soaking his overcoat with my seemingly unending stream of tears.

"Shh baby, don't cry...we will find a way to help you. Brendon will be here soon, he might know a way to fix this," Frank attempted to soothe me, but I only cried even harder.

"I don't know if I can make it that long..." I admitted, hanging my head in shame.

"Well...there is something else I could try..." When Frank trailed off, I perked my head up, but he refused to meet my gaze.

"What?"

"I could attempt to heal you...like I did before. If we made a small cut, l could burn all of the Livian out of your blood, but it hurt you so badly last time, and I can't do that to you again - it almost killed me." Frank shuddered violently against me as he spoke, and it became my turn to comfort him.

"If I get worse, I want you to do it. I can't afford to become even more addicted, it might kill me. Promise me Frank, if I ask you too, that you will heal me."

"Gerard please...don't make me promise. It won't get that bad, I know you are strong - you will overcome this," Frank begged shamelessly, and as much as I wanted to tell him that he wouldn't need to resort to this, that would have just been another lie, and I had to get his word that he would help me if I lost control.

"I know you don't want to Frank, but I'm already in so much pain, please baby?"

"I...okay, I promise, but not tonight," Frank sighed heavily, and I wrapped my arms around his torso gratefully.

"Thank you."

Those two words weren't nearly enough to encompass my gratitude, I knew how hard this would be for Frank, but I didn't see any other way to fix myself. Even though I would do anything to prevent Frank from having to watch me suffer, we were out of options, unless Brendon arrived soon with a solution, and I knew we couldn't depend on him for everything.

"I would do anything for you baby," Frank reassured me, pressing a soft kiss to the top of my head.

"I love you."

"I love you too. I just wish I could do more for you. Are you in pain right now?" Frank's gaze raked over my trembling body, and from his expression, I must have looked more of a mess than I thought. His eyebrows drew together in concern, and lines of worry marred his forehead.

"It's not so bad when you're here," I told him truthfully.

"Is there anything I can get you?" he asked as I finally allowed him to lead me back inside.

"Just hold me please?" I asked softly.

"I will never let you go."

Hello lovelies, I have returned.

This chapter made me really happy to write for some reason, which I really needed, because I have been pretty down lately, so enjoy the Frerard feels.

Speaking of Frerard...I started another new fic. It's called "Like Ghost in the Snow", and I only have the first chapter up, but I would love to hear what you guys think. Also, don't forget about Pyre *wink wink*

I am such a promotion whore, if you guys want me to shut up about my other works, just let me know.

Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to ThatIsWildPatrick because they binge read this story and left so many nice comments :) Sorry I haven't responded to them all, but I will get there soon.

I think I have decided that I might have to make a sequel to this fic, because I am not even close to being done with everything I want to happen, and this is already getting pretty long. I still have a ways to go though, so that will be in the distant future.

Also, Wattpad made the next chapter private again, even though there is only like two sentences of smut, but yeah...sorry haha.

((((loving vibes))))

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