『 chapter xx: THE HAPPINESS OF JUNE SWAN.  』

JUNIPER SWAN WAS WARY OF HER OWN HAPPINESS. Nothing good ever came from being in a good mood for too long, in her case. June was used to being fake happy, oh, she had gotten that emotion down long ago. But she was wary of being happy, actually happy; like the kind of happy that had her smiling out from ear to ear, the happiness that had her clutching her stomach from laughing too much and her cheeks feeling numb from grinning so hard. But she wasn't wary of the source, of where it came from, June quite believed wholeheartedly in the reason to her happiness. Which was why she was more wary of her happiness rather than why she was happy. June knew why; but god did her heart feel heavy when the happiness settled and sunk it and told her mind, hey, you're okay, it's okay to smile right now, you don't need to convince anyone, you're happy, you're happy, you're actually happy—June wish she could say it was her sister or her mom and dad, or the impending arrival of her baby brother. June loved for them, woke up with some love in her heart because she got to see their faces but she lived everyday, as depended it seemed, for Jacob Black.

                     Hanging out with him made her feel better; she hadn't been okay in a long time, nor could she sleep after everything that happened with James. But seeing Jacob, seeing his face and just being in his presence fed her dying soul like the only source of vitality it needed. Unlike June, Jacob was a perpetually happy person, and he carried that happiness around him like an aura and spread it to those in need of some, sharing it with anyone nearby. Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was in his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural for him, like breathing, he didn't have to really try, it was just who he was.

"I never got to ask you," Jacob's voice sounded out, drowning out the hum of David Bowie as he spoke. "Since when did Bella get into motorcycles? No offense, but she looks like she can barely ride a regular bike."

June let's a giggle escape her lips. Yeah, she's fucking giggling, wow, this is all new to her. She sat on a car seat that was taken out from the Rabbit as Jacob worked his magic on the metal skeleton that was the bikes she was asking him to repair. He was tightening some bolts—? If she was correct, he was doing something and had his back turned to her when he asked, not seeing the flicker of hesitance written on her features.

"To think of it, I don't think she can," June admits, crossing her legs so she sits on one of them. "I don't know if I mentioned, it's personal so maybe not, but she got out of a really bad relationship — guess this is her way of coping."

Jacob hums in response, "Gotcha. Bad relationship, coping. Who was she dating anyway? Was it that Cullen guy?" He asks, trying to make conversation.

It's the first time in months anyone's brought them up. Bella rarely says, if not ever lately, their names. Hearing the simple name Cullen brings a shiver down her spine to remind her that it was real. It wasn't some sick nightmare she dreamt about, they had the scars, they had the wounds of the short war that was waged against the life of herself and her friends. June can't believe the same hands that make homemade pizza with Jacob, touch the stomach of her mother when her brother kicks, and hold Jacob's own hand is the same one that ended the life of an immortal creature.

"Yeah it was Edward," June says the name of someone who she hasn't thought of in many nights.

"You were friends with him before Bella ever came though, right?" There's more questioning in Jacob's tone. "I remember that time at the pale-faces game, when you cheered. My dad and your cousin kept giving them that look."

June looks down at her hands. "Somewhat." She admits. "But, it never would've worked out. They were too family oriented and it was weird, like sixth wheeling all the time."

"I'm sure they just wanted a chance to say they were friends with June Swan," Jacob glances back at her, amusement in his voice.

"Oh yeah, because I'm so great." June drawls sarcastically.

Jacob stops what he's doing. He turns around to her, his eyes blink a few times, "Yeah, you really are." He says.

"You mean that?" June knows he does.

"Of course," Jacob replies.

"I know." June says.

"Then why do you doubt it?" He presses.

"I don't doubt you," June corrects. "I doubt the statement."

"The statement." He echoes, nodding. "Well, you'd think you'd remember that you're great from how many times I say it — and mean it."

"I remember everything you tell me."

"Like?" He prompts, interested.

              She smiles a bit. "The night of my sisters prom," June remembers the way she laughed and smiled and felt so alive that night. "You told me that I always take care of everyone else except myself ... did you mean that, too?"

Jacob faces her completely, his eyes are the most brown and sincere she's ever seen them. "I did."

June furrows her brows, "I don't see that. I think I'm pretty selfish."

"I think you're just pretty," Jacob grins.

June's used his compliments by now, but they still take her by surprise and warm her skin. "No, really. I think about myself too much ... it only seems like I'm caring about everyone else but in reality I'm just, I don't know, trying to make them what I want them to be, I guess? It's stupid, I don't know what I'm saying—"

"It's not stupid," Jacob shakes his head.

"Of course you'd say that, you're just trying to get brownie points, handsome." June's lips lift in amusement.

Jacob grins wider but his eyes are still sincere. He stays quite for a while and then says, "June, when I asked you that time we got back Patrick Verona from your grandma, if you were okay ... were you telling the truth?"

June hopes her gaze doesn't falter. She looks down at her hands because his eyes are too raw and real and she's end up bursting into tears. She doesn't know why she let herself sink this deep, as deep as she could've gone in the ocean when Victoria appeared. She's doing exactly that, sinking herself further and further and she won't be saved this time.

"To be fair," June's voice sounds croaky. "I haven't been okay in a long time, Jake." He looks at her for a moment but she continues. "It's no ones fault ... I just kept convincing myself that I was okay, that Bella coming could make me really happy. But it didn't. I love her, and my life's been better ever since she's come up. It's no ones fault."

"How about now?" Jacob asks hesitantly, his voice just as low and hushed. "Are you okay now?"

June looks up at him when he asks, "You probably believe me ... but it's the whole truth." She reaches forward and grabs his hands. "I haven't been this happy since I was young. But you, somehow, you make me really happy, Jacob."

Jacob is stuck by her words, visibly, his hand unconsciously squeezes hers in comfort. "June—"

"What makes you happy?" She interjects before she can hear him dismiss her.

      Jacob looks like he wants to say something else but answers her, "The truth? Well, I've had Quil and Embry and my dad and my cousins ... but when my mom died, my sisters were all I had. But they had the choice and they took it, I don't blame them. If my dad wasn't the way he is ... I'd probably have left, too."

June can't help the tears that fall from her eyes, she's crying now, she's always crying lately but she can't help it. All this time, she thought she was the only one who might've been living a life with false happiness, with settling comfort. But Jacob was just like her. He too, faked it. He too, convinced masses that he was just fine. But he wasn't. He was as unhappy as she, it seems. His mother was dead and his sisters left because the pain of staying was too much for them to be reminded of. June is hit with a terrible fear of dying then, before it used to be bliss and she longed for it, she welcomed it. She planned to have Chanel in her coffin and her face done pretty and maybe buried or maybe burned. June had it all figured out. Now, she doesn't see a thing. She doesn't want to die, she realizes then. She wants to live. She wants to live long enough to see Jacob feel happy, to be the one that makes him happy. Her thoughts are challenged with his next words.

"You deserve to be happy," June cries out in his shoulder, her tears wetting his shirt, but he doesn't seem to care. "For all the happiness you've given me ... you deserve that."

            "June," He says as his hand runs up her back, a sigh leaving her lips. "You make me happy."

June is scared again. She pulls away just enough so that her nose is inches from his but she can see his eyes, the toffee color and swirls of browns and golds. They're beautiful. He's beautiful and he tells her that she makes him happy and June's never felt more scared of losing him in her life. She doesn't want to leave him, to leave all the possibilities that he could give her. Please, She weeps to whoever listens, any god, any savior, Let me live, let me live long enough to love him forever, for him to be mine. The responsibility shakes her to her core, the weight of being someone's happiness had never befallen someone this important to her. She didn't know if she was someone else's happiness, but she knew, from hearing Jacob speak, that she was his.

"I do?" She breathes out.

Jacob nods slowly, reaching forward to cup her face and she shuts her eyes as her cheek leans into his palm. "It's the best feeling, if you can believe that. I honestly never thought that you'd look my way." He admits.

"I've been looking your way for long time, handsome."

Jacob leans his forehead on hers. "Same here. Since we were five," He tells her lowly. "Since you had those braids in your hair. Since I'd pick bellflowers for you. Since I watched that Newton guy pick you up every night for weeks and watch you smile just to make everyone else around you, smile."

"I tried to like him, but he never mattered," June says, her heart pounding from Jacob's words. "Not the way you do. He wasn't my happiness, he just wanted me to have me. He's not like you, he thought that dating me was his right."

He scoffs, "What an fucking idiot. Doesn't he know that you don't belong to anyone?"

This is a dream, June concluded. She's having a good and pure and perfect dream and she doesn't want to wake up. It's making this up in her brain — she'd believe that theory, except Jacob's warm hand on hers does nothing to prove it.

"I belong to someone," June corrects, her eyes looking straight into his. "I want to, at least."

"I've wanted that, too," Jacob's hand go to her waist, theres that nervousness fluttering around. "To belong to you, June. I've always wanted that."

June can't believe it, "But why?" She asks. "I'm terrible, I'm terrible and I'm selfish and I—" I wanted to die. "I don't think I'll ever see what you see and you don't deserve that."

It up to her to say what he does or doesn't but she knows that much that he could do without her; without the pain she's gonna bring him. She thinks in this moment, she's the most selfish she's ever gonna be, she wants him and she doesn't know if it's love because she's a stupid girl who dreams of love but maybe they're not there but she wanted them to be. Eventually. June's never considered that, nor the world of an eventually.

"I remember the things you say, too." Jacob replies after a moment. "And I remember when you told me that you saw nobody else but me — that's how it is, exactly the same, I don't see anyone else. Maybe this doesn't last ... maybe we move on and others will come. But I'll still be blind; no ones ever gonna make me see the world the way I see it when I'm with you."

            June moves her hand up to rest on his cheek. "I won't ever see the world the same without you, either." She tells him truthfully, because she won't.

Jacob smiles. "I'm glad I see what I see, right now."

June blushes, "I have to warn you though ... I'm a mess, remember that? You'll hate me some days and there'll be times where I need to be alone. Even though you think it's best to be with me, it's not, trust me. Let's see what else? Oh yeah, I'm allergic to peanuts so don't buy me Reeces or chocolate for that matter, it breaks me out—"

"June?"

"Yeah?"

"I love hearing you talk," He swallows thickly. "But I'm trying to kiss you."

June stills, her blue eyes crystalline. He's inches from her lips that she can feel his breath hit them, causing her to shudder in anticipation. She's had dozens of kisses, guys of names she doesn't remember and some she does and all met to an seasonably overrated standard. Kissing Jacob is something she's thought about sure — but she feels like she's in the eighth grade and hidden behind the bleachers and away from the eyes of the teachers at recess while she kisses with inexperienced lips and bats her lashes on blushing cheeks.

"Oh, Alright. Kiss me."

And he does. And June kisses him back, they kiss. The firdt thing that came to mind was how warm it was, not literally, but the warmth and the emotion the simple kiss held had June running her fingers in his long hair. It's something that causes the warmth of it to reach the fibers of her bones. This was living, she thought after they pulled away, looking at each other with a fondness they hadn't before. Bikes forgotten, June kisses him again. She really wasn't ready to give that up.

•—•—•

JUNE HAD HER FEET UP ON THE DASH OF THE Rabbit which Jacob had finished over the weekend. It was a warm day around Washington, not too warm of course, that wasn't possible. But it was sunny enough that the Cullen's would've missed a day of school if they were still there — it surprises June, she ponders, when she catches herself thinking of the Cullen's even after it had been many moons without seeing their faces. Whatever the case, it was sunny, so June's bronzed legs were on display thanks to her high-waisted eighties shorts that were tucked in a baggy t-shirt that was probably Jacob's, she had found it on the floor of her bedroom and yes, Jacob's been in her room, (but no, not for that reason, sheesh, they were barley two weeks strong as an official couple ) June'll sneak him in under the pretense that she's taking Patrick out for the bathroom and come back with her boyfriend walking in silent steps behind her and up the stairs with Bella's amused eyes twinkling through the cracked open door of her bedroom.

Charlie and Daphne shared their proud smiles when Jacob and Billy came and sat down with Charlie to watch a game and saw June was snuggled in Jacob's side, reading something while they watched. Billy and Charlie shared a hug and a clap on the back when they sneakily saw the two teens on the front porch, laughing and smiling and looking at each other like they were each other's world.

        June's dirty converse were right in her view, a pair of some large sunglasses resting on her nose as she glanced down to the middle of them. Her hand was intertwined with his and she couldn't help how natural it felt.

"—so favorite movie?" He squeezed her hand to gain her attention.

June hummed. They did this for the last few days, they knew each other very well so they'd test each other to make sure or else the loser had to buy good for the winner, "Ah, with you that's not easy, handsome."

"Come on," Jacob grinned. "Forfeit or food or win."

June bit her lip, "You have so many though!"

"So do you, I had to make list," He shot back with an incredulous laugh. "How many movies did you make me watch just so I'd get the references you'd make from them?"

"About six—whatever, okay, hmmm." June taps her thighs as she thinks. "I'm gonna say the Goonies." She watched his face as he nods reluctantly, smiling at her. June claps her hands together, smirking. "Okay, what's mine?"

"Easy. Gigi." He says without hesitance.

"I'm a cliche." June grumbles, but smiles nevertheless.

"You do love musicals." Jacob glances at her, smiling.

June beams, remembering how Jacob danced with her when the music from Gigi came on, June finally understanding what the hype about the Paris and the city of love, because again, she wasn't sure she was in love yet but she was really really in fucking like with Jacob — the Parisians never resonated more with her in that moment.

"So, what'd you want to eat?" Jacob asks he drives, leaning his head back on the headrest.

"I want a burger," June admits. "We can go to Sully's."

"Oh, yeah, there's this waitress who works there," Jacob makes a movement as if his groaning which makes her laugh loudly. "She's really, really, hot. I think I'm gonna make a move."

"Do show me who she is," June smirks fondly. "I'd love to ask her out."

"I think she's dating someone though," Jacob winces as he grabs her hand, bringing to his lips. "He really likes her, he's spoiling her with food and movies constantly."

"Ugh, what a keeper." June giggles as they pull into Sully's.

Jacob's eyes fall to the arm that he has up, his eyes cloud as he catches the strange bruises that litter her arms. June stiffens. Even when he's there to bring her happiness, there's always something that reminds her of her sadness. The strangeness in her blood and some freaky connection to her great-aunt, whom she shares a face with. Jacob's fingers lightly brush over it.

"You still get these bruises?" He asks lowly.

"Still?" June frowns. She blinks, silently cursing herself as she remembers they've had this conversation before. She lied then and now she has to lie now. "Oh yeah. Cheers got me beat, don't know why."

Jacob looks up at her, "June, be honest."

"I'm being honest!" June says defensively. She wasn't used to this intimacy, this constant concern for her that was above what a parent or siblings has given her. "I'm a klutz, look at Bella, we're one and the same. I get bruises easily, like I'm anemic or something."

Jacob seems to believe that but there's still a cloud of hesitance in his eyes. He brings her arm up and presses a soft kiss to the bruise there. June smiles and feels her lungs let out a sigh, "Be more careful, beautiful." He says softly.

"Will do, handsome." June replies in a promise as he walks over to the passenger side and opens her door.

•—•—•

JUNE'S DANCING IN HER ROOM, FEELING LIKE a fucking unicorn on some rainbow drug when she blares her music — Gwen Stefani, surprisingly, Star Connolly is rubbing off on her — and paints away on a blank canvas. It had been a hot minute since she's painted and made herself like some modern Van Gogh. June had considered herself some tortured artist on the break of getting a revolver and blasting her chest with it, or cutting of her ear, or being checked into some insane asylum. Before, painting had been to relieve her stress from wanting to die and ( while that's still murky, she really doesn't want to die anymore and it's because of a certain Quileute boy who takes up June's mind and heart ) a way to put the things she saw in her nightmares on a tangible surface and not her ever fleeting and fickle mind and memories. Now, June paints because she's good at it and she no longer has those terrifying nightmares of red eyes or burning forests and icy grounds. June Swan dreams, and shes much better for it.

             Now, June paints Patrick Verona running in the forest and pretty wolves in their pack, ethereal and magnificent and larger than most wolves.

Patrick's eating some left over steak that her dad made the other night in the corner of the room when the door knocks. June rushes over to lower her music to nothing more than a hum. "Come in!"

The door opens and in peaks his head, her dad. Charlie smiles at his daughter, going into the room. "Hey there, June-Bug."

"Hey pops," June chimes.

Charlie sits at the foot of her bed, Patrick Verona coming up and licking her dads hand as he pets him. "What you got there?" He asks as he points up to the painting she's working on.

June turns to what she's doing. It's a pretty thing, she thinks fondly; it's a clearing that's filled with bellflowers growing from the ground and the sun hits the green grass and makes it shine like some kind of glitter is littered on it. Maybe like diamonds.

"Nothing in particular," June tells him as she moves the brush over the skyline of the painting. "Killing time, I was off today and Billy had therapy so Jacob was gonna be busy helping him out."

Charlie nods, "Hows that going?" He says and she can hear the smile in his voice.

June glances back at him, wiping her forehead and blowing her hair out of her face. "Can you at least try to tone down the smugness?" She laughs a bit. He smiles. "To answer, it's going good. I'm happy."

"I see that," Charlie comments, the sincerity in his voice making her question if she really did have anyone fooled. "You had your mom and I scared for a bit a few months ago, when you weren't acting like yourself. The Cullen's leaving really might've done wonders, whadda you know?"

June furrows her brows but she's not facing him anymore so he can't tell, "Bella's still upset, she tries to hide it. That's why she's helping mom so much and going out."

"She seems happy," Charlie interjects.

"Seems, dad, key word." June says placidly. "I don't know what I'd do if Jacob left ... Bella's stronger than people give her credit for." She retraces her boyfriends own words about herself.

"She doesn't want to leave," Charlie says. "You don't have to worry about that. And Jacob would be a damned fool to leave you, Billy says your cooking keeps their house running four times a week."

June smiles, she loved being over there now. "It's easy with them, with Jake."

"Being with him really, helped you, didn't it?" Charlie says, his voice low. June stiffens a bit. "Look, I know I don't hover as much as your mom but I notice things too, June. I'm not that blind. I know when my own kids are going through some things. I know you were going through stuff ... but Jacob really changed everything."

June blinks back tears that threaten to spill. Maybe she didn't have everyone fooled after all. "Dad—"

"I also know, with the baby coming, you might think we won't pay any attention to you or Bella but that's not true, you know that right?" Charlie interjects softly.

"Of course, dad. This house has always needed more people than just two people anyway," June smiles as she sets down her brush and takes a seat in front of him with her rolling chair. More tenderly she says, "I'm really glad you and mom worked out."

Charlie's eyes were the most brown and warm that she's ever seen him; he's loved two women, Renée and Daphne, but it'd always come back to the woman to gave him the girl with blue eyes and a heart of gold — his Juniper, who was everything good from both of her parents, made into one girl that was untouchable.

"Me, too, baby." Charlie says as he reaches out and pats her hand softly. "You know, sometimes you just gotta love what's good for you. It may seem like a bowl of trouble but it's really worth it, June. It's good and you love them for a reason."

June thinks about that. "We're young dad," She knows what he's saying though. "I mean ... it's not love, not yet. It's sweet, he's sweet." With a heavy heart she adds, "We've got loads of time."

"Yes, you do. All I'm saying is, don't lie to yourself. I did, hid my feelings for your mom when she left and I never had the courage to tell her to stay; I let her go, I shouldn't have." Charlie pats her hands again. You never could've made her stay. He kisses her forehead, "Make sure you get some sleep, yeah? Your moms gonna have a big day of planning the shower tomorrow because it's the day after and I'm gonna be drinking away my nerves so I can be tipsy when I, ya know, pop the question."

                     June acted like a weirdo and pretended to gush while he rolled his eyes, smiling, "Oh my gosh! You do like her! Charlie and Daphne sitting on the tree, having kids even though they're not married–" She got out in a singsong voice before he closed the door. "Love you!"

June looked down at Patrick who jumped on her bed, ready to hit the hay. She makes a kissing noise to him before she looks back at her painting – she stiffens when she notices something. She unconsciously must've painted it. It's a juniper tree, in the center of the beautiful clearing that glitters like diamonds. June touches the dry surface of the tree she painted, notching something else about it.

It's dead.

note: ahsjsjskfkldskskaj,,,,juncob rise!!! i remember how fun it was to write this back when I had the first draft of it. the new moon plot is settling in 🌚🌚🌚