『 chapter xl: TO PAINT THE PAIN AWAY. 』

IT WAS A WARM DAY ON THE QUILEUTE REZ and because of some random superstition that the tribe had, it usually meant that a baby was being born. June vividly remembers being told that as a young girl and her grandma taking her to some lucky pregnant woman's home, little Juniper peeking in the birthing room when she heard the cry of a newborn cut through the warm air. In fact, thinking about it, she remembers the day that Seth Clearwater was born; June was maybe five or six years old. Sue, Seth's mom, had labored him for only a few hours. He didn't cry immediately and that scared her grandmother until they tapped his back and a fierce sound of life came from his new lungs. Sue had urged her to come into the room and let her sneak a peek at Seth, all small and smelling of new baby. Leah was older than her but had been jumping in her place with excitement when her baby brother was born, initially she was disappointed he was a boy, but June remembers how sweetly Leah had kissed Seth's baby nose.

It was all precious and lovely.

            Her thoughts went to that place of bliss because she was currently helping Star with her pregnancy symptoms. June had been close with her mom when she was pregnant with Willie and she knew just how much the purity that radiated from within June lured people to her, but it seemed that her friendship with Star extended that connection.

"I told Jared that I loved him," Star's voice blurts out as June moves her hand over her stomach. "By accident."

               June stops what she's doing. She smiles a bit, "How do you accidentally tell someone you love them, Star?" She shakes her head. "Pray tell."

"We were talking about how quick times passing," Star mumbles, fiddling with the sleeve of her jacket. Her hazel eyes cloud. "Jared wants to move into our own place, he's got the money for it ... he said how he'd build a good kids room and even an extra room for Phoebe, he kept going on and including her in everything and it was just so assuring for me, you know? Phoebe never met our mom and my dad's trying his best now he's out of prison but ... Phoebe belongs with me."

      June listened to Star's small ranting. "So what's the big dilemma? You said I love you. I'm sure you meant it."

Star sighed, "I don't want to love him just because were having a baby together," She confesses. "That's not how I wanted ... I didn't want to become my mom, June."

     The blonde knows all too well about how Star's mother, Fiona, was madly in love with Star's dad, until he said he loved her as a best friend would and left. "Jared's not gonna leave you," June says firmly. "He wouldn't do that."

"He's not what I'm afraid of."

"Then what?"

Star meets her eyes, "What if I leave?"

June blinks. "Why would you?"

"Maybe I'm not my mom," Star says. "Maybe I'm my dad. What if I wake up one day and decide that I don't love Jared anymore and I take our kid and leave?"

    June doubted that could happen, "But you love him, now, right?"

Star's eyes watered before she nods. "I really do."

"Then don't worry about that now," June says simply. "No one knows their future, Star, no one." Except me. "All you can do is hope that you love him because he'll never stop loving you, this baby, ever. I think it has much more to do than him imprinting on you."

   Star's doubt slowly faded away and her stiff demeanor relaxed into a more comforted one. "Thanks for doing this, June Blue, I know it's a lot."

"I'm always here, Star—" June tried to engage more but she felt really tired, she yawned suddenly.

June knew how much this drained her, the magic wasn't without cost, she knew that; but she was the pack Mender and she had to make sure her best friends' pregnancy was gonna be safe and smooth.

Star looked at her strangely. "Juniper, honey, if you're tired you should've told me," She says to her, chiding in her tone. "Your grandma is more than willing to help me—"

"No, I wanted to," June says. "I like to hear her."

"Her?" Star echoes.

June sighed frustratedly, "Ahhh, fuck, Starry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean—"

"It's a girl? For sure?" Stars eyes light up in a way that she had been used to seeing these past few weeks. June nods at her genuine joy. "I knew it! Oh my god ... Jared owes me fifty bucks and a huge bag of popcorn. Ugh, my mind, I'm so powerful." She smiles. "How do you know for sure?"

        June didn't know how to explain it; but each process of this shape shifter baby Mender session, she could feel the emotions of the baby girl growing in Star. She would be alert with every word Star spoke, the baby loved her mothers voice far too much from what June figured out.

"I'm Juniper fucking Swan, that's how." June winked.

Star winked back, "True." Her elation showed.

June can't help but feel happy for her best friend. Star was gonna be a the best mom, she knows everyone says that, but Star really would fight hell hounds themselves if it meant her baby's protection. Star seemed to flow with her pregnancy, her skin was glowing softer and her scent was milky, warm and her eyes were brightened. June was really sad at the fact that her little god niece or nephew wasn't gonna truly know her and the other way around. It brought her to another dilemma. She suddenly wanted to get back to their heavy speaking. June had been holding the whole Edward Kissing Me thing in for a long time and it was eating her up.

      "Star? I'm gonna ask you something and I want you to be honest with me." She says.

"Of course." Star tapped her nose.

"Something happened a while back," June began, sighing. "With Edward Cullen and I ..." She saw Star's eyes widen and then narrow. "Not like that, well, he just kissed me —that's all! But I don't know if I should tell Jacob—"

"Woah, woah, wait," Star raised her hands, eyes wide with realization. "Edward Cullen kissed you? When?! Why—HOW?!"

"After he got back from Italy."

"And your sister—?"

"Knows," June confirmed, sadly. "It didn't mean anything. Not for me, I wanted to kill him ... he just said that he wanted to make sure that the old Mender's spirit, the one I told you about that I look like, doesn't somehow live inside me."

Star looked troubled, trying to tie the story together. "And?"

"He was wrong, obviously, because I didn't kiss him back," June concluded. "And I know my sister says she's okay with it but I know she isn't really and I don't know how to make it better? Plus, if Jacob ever found out—"

"R.I.P. Edward," Star guesses. "Yeah, that much I know about these furballs. They're freakishly possessive."

June nods, knowing the truth. "I just need you to tell me if I should tell Jacob or not, or just leave it like that ..."

      "What do you want to do?" Star offered instead.

June thought about it. She knew she should've told Jacob the moment it happened; but there were too many complications of that scenario. Namely, Edward being killed ( which she wouldn't have minded in the moment but she thinks Bella might've) when there was much bigger issues like the looming threat of the newborn army just miles from them. The intruder, and still the hunt for Victoria proved endless ... it seemed silly and unreasonable to snitch out Edward to Jacob for the two sides to be driven apart even more.

"There's a lot going on now," June shrugs, sighing again. "I don't think that telling him Edward Cullen kissed me is gonna do anyone any good."

Star looked like she understood, "As long as you don't let it trouble you too much, Juniper."

"Yeah," June responded. "But I'm a master at burying depressing shit anyway so ... no biggie."

"June —"

"I'm okay, Star." June assures. Suddenly, she feels woozy and she stands up from the picnic blanket abruptly.

JARED! JARED! COME GET STAR, I NEED TO GO—

"June, honey," Star's startled voice sounds out, the pregnant girl getting to her feet as well. "You don't look so good, are you alright, what's wrong—"

"Star, I'm fine, just shhh," June rubs her temples from the migraine she's gaining. "Just a headache, that's all."

         Just as June wanted, Jared comes through from the brush, jogging to them with a smile. June had called him through the pack bond to come get Star. "Got the wolfcall." Jared said cheerily. "Get it? Like the bat signal? No? OK."

June rolls her eyes, "I get it, weirdo."

Jared laughs and makes his way over to Star, kissing her deeply as he rests his hand softly over the swell on her stomach that protects their growing child. "You OK?" He asks Star. "The little wolf hasn't been giving you a hard time?"

Star smiles endearingly, "No, she's just fine."

Jared's eyes widen in realization, "No way—a girl?" He says, a smile growing in his face. Star nods and he kisses her again, a soft laugh leaving his lips. "Damn, guess I owe you some money and a huge bag of popcorn?"

"You bet your ass you do," Star winked.

   The youngest girl smiles at the couple, "Alright, take care, I'm outtie."

"Oh hey, wolf princess," Jared said to her before she could leave. "Your mom was at your grandma's by the way, said that they're already starting to get all the stuff for the wedding next month. Said to head over there if you wanted."

"Copy that, furball," June nods, saluting him and turning around, trying her best to ignore the blaring migraine in her head.

          June felt her head spinning but forced herself to get a grip. She looked behind her and saw the sickly sweet image of Star glowing with happiness, Jared kissing her cheeks softly as she laughed at his attempt at romance. June kept walking.

•—•—•—•

JUNE COULDN'T MAKE IT TO HER GRANDMA'S, as much as she tried. Her head kept pounding painfully and each step felt like she walked on a pile of nails. June makes it right around the brush of the treaty line. She cried and cried, the pain eating away at her. She knew that she might be heard but the pain was excruciating and there was no way her sobs of pain were gonna be silent; June was thankful that she hadn't completed the spirit ceremony with Jacob, otherwise he'd be there in a flash, because once that ceremony bounded their souls ( a ceremony she didn't plan on living long enough to get to ) he'd feel everything she would. June thanked the spirits she wasn't bonded. She'd sooner die than let Jacob endure what she had.

June makes it to the treaty line, collapsing on the sandy marsh of the riverbank. She cries, hiccuping in pain. She splashes the cool water on her face and tries to catch her breath. It hurts, it hurts, why does it hurt so much? Please—

"Juniper."

The source of the voice made her coil. She knew who it was. Over the treaty line was none other than Edward Cullen himself. She hadn't spoken more than a few civil words here and there for her sisters sake. But they hadn't made it an issue to meet like this, alone, not after what happened previously.

"Go away, Count Dracula." June hissed, struggling to stand. Before she can stand on her own, Edward vamp sped to her, his cool hand helping her up with ease. June looks at him, her eyes narrowed. "You really have a death wish, don't you? Crossing the line, kissing me ..."

"You've been using your magic too much," Edward states, ignoring her comment.

June yanks from his hold. "Not that it's any of your business." She hissed, going to turn.

"You're dying, Juniper."

She pauses in her tracks. "What did you say?"

Edward looks at her, his golden eyes taking in the purple crescent moons that hide above her cheekbones. "I know what a Mender goes through," He tells her. "You should know that."

"You don't know anything," June shook her head. "I'm not dying, you pretentious—"

"Melanie didn't want to die. That's why she wanted to turn. Because if she didn't get sacrificed for that Mender ceremony your precious tribe preforms on the Mender's eighteenth birthday, her magic would've killed her." Edward tells her. He meets her eyes. "I didn't want to her die."

June knew all about that ceremony; a offering to the elders of the spirit world, a way to thank them for the infinite knowledge to keep running through. For the Menders to guide the Spirit Warriors. But it was a slaughter. That much June knew. Melanie ended her life before someone else would've taken it.

"It's good thing it's not up to you now," June says brokenly. "It's my decision. I'm not Melanie, I won't ruin things for everyone just because it isn't what I want."

Edward hisses. It's like his touched a burning stove. His eyes are more golden than she's ever seen them. "What about your sister? Your parents? Your little brother?" He says and his tone is acid. He wants her to listen but she won't. "What of them? What of your wolf? You'd so easily leave him, too?"

"Easily?" June echoes. She shoots her eyes to him, burning like the warmest part of a flame. "You think I want to this? I don't, Edward. But I refuse to let people die for me, I refuse for Bella to die. I won't let my dad suffer the consequences ... that's what you don't get. This whole thing has always been more than what I want."

"Is it really what you want, June?" Edward challenges gruffly. "You wanting to die. Are you sure it isn't those spirit heathens that are forcing you—"

"Those spirit heathens are my tribe and they have no idea!" June sneers. "They don't know."

Realization floods Edward's face. "What would Jacob say if he knew that you were going to die for him?"

The ache in her chest comes back. She feels her head spinning and she uses all her willpower to not faint or bleed or use magic and just speed up this whole dying process. Then again maybe she should; because if Jacob ever knew ... if he ever knew what was going to happen to her ... he's surely pull her from deaths grip with his own bare hands. June didn't have a doubt in her mind and for some reason, it comforted her more than worried her.

"I don't know," June says honestly, shaking her head. "He won't know. And you're not gonna tell him."

"I could." Edward says, strained.

June nods, tears in her eyes. She looks down at the bracelet Jacob had made for her. "You could." She says softly. "But you won't."

"Why?" Edward asks, she can hear the double meaning by it but disregards it.

When June meets her eyes, she wonders if it's possible to love and hate someone at the same time. She'd never love Edward the way she loves Jacob. The what ifs in her mind always trail back to Jacob. It's always Jacob, there's no alternative. She imagines for Edward, in his own melancholic way, paints a picture where there's a happy world where he has both Bella and she to love, the three of them till the end of time.

"Because you loved Melanie. Because you know how different I'm from her. Because you love me." June says, the most sure she's ever been in her life. She feels tears stream down her face. "Because you know it's what I want. And as much as you deny it ... you'll never go against what I want."

Edward is still as a tree. His eyes are shaky, the gold so heavenly to stare at. "June ..."

"I told you so many times that I'm not Melanie, Edward." She says stiffly, tired. "She did choose you. I'm sure she loved you ... but it was the most selfish thing she could've done. I won't make the same mistake, I don't have to."

Edward grips her hand before she can turn, it's so cold and it sends shivers up her spine and makes her miss the warmth of her wolf. "Don't we just get to be happy, for once? That's all she wanted. Melanie. She just wanted to be happy ... she didn't want to marry Ephraim. She didnt ask to be a Mender."

June only stared at him. "I've made my choice."

"I could turn you."

The words were like a whip to her soul. Edward's eyes were never more serious; the gold in them were like the object of whatever a King Midas would touch, lifeless and still. It's what he wanted her to be, lifeless and still and frozen and never moving forward. It's so different from the essence of life and movement she always been so comfortable looking into when it came to Jacob's dark toffee eyes. I could turn you. The world didn't spin in that instant as he came closer to her, predatory and determined.

"You wouldn't—you can't," June whispered numbly as he stood inches from her. "Jacob will kill you for it."

"I think he rather you have alive." Edward replied in a void voice, staring at her. "You'd be alive—"

"No, I wouldn't. I'd be deader than you are. More damned— nature would turn its back on me. I'd be something unnatural, my magic would be gone," June practically spits the words. "I'd rather be buried than be like one of you."

As soon as she spoke them, Edward took a step back. She didn't regret them through. She wouldn't. He blinked, easy as she glared at him. He stared at her as if she disappear with a moments notice. The thought of being a vampire coiled in her stomach as much as rotten milk would. It was the ultimate damnation, so she's heard, and June's already done plenty in her life to damn herself and she doesn't need that toppled on the side.

"Fine," Edward says. "Then die, Juniper."

June gives him a sneer, "I'd say the same for you but ..."

He's gone before any of them say anything else. June stays standing there. She doesn't know for how long. She doesn't know anything about anything anymore. All she does know, is that she eventually makes it back to her house. Everyone's already asleep. She trudges up the stairs and into her room. She feels another headache coming in.

June goes straight for her brushes, ripping off the old paper from her canvas. It starts with blood on the icy ground ...

a/n: this 🅱️uSSY pops for jeongguk!! but yes this is a filler bleh bleh sorry made your wait for this shit but next is the camp fire scene and you'll get more background on the third wife and all daT. poor bb is getting sick and sicker :(((((