『 chapter xlvi : IDES OF MARCH. 』

RIGHTFULLY, JULIUS CAESAR DID NOT TAKE the warnings of his wife and advisors to stay home on the fateful day of it his death — a death that had been seen by his wife, a death that he had said, was unavoidable if the gods have declared it so. Julius had scoffed at the dead men had of dying, dying was inevitable for all man, there's no natural way around it. Of course, maybe Julius Caesar didn't know how Cold Ones, but that's neither here nor there. Caesar went on and said, cowards die many times before their death, the valiant never taste death but once. And that's when it hit June. Was she coward? Because she'd only physically die once, but as she sat numbly on her grandmother's couch, cursing the gods for forcing her hand in taking the life of the only child she'd ever have, June was certain she's died many times already.

Juniper looks back on it; her metaphorical deaths. She died when she learned she was prophesied to perish. She died when Jacob imprinted on her, unknowingly sealing his fate. She died when she had turn her soulmate bond onto another girl, just to make sure Jacob wouldn't meet that fate. She died when her thighs stained red in her bathtub and the abdominal pain rocked her harder than anything she's ever felt.

Juniper Swan has died many times.

"Drink this," Iris comes to her side.

June looks at her, "I don't want to drink anything else."

"It's for the pain," Iris insists.

"I didn't know hey made liquid redemption for girls like me," June muses but takes the bottle nevertheless. She stares blankly ahead, "I guess it wouldn't matter if I became a Cold One or not ... I'm damned regardless."

    "Don't say such things," Iris frowned.

          June doesn't have a sassy remark for her this time. She doesn't have the energy to fight with her grandmother. Not after she helped her out of a potential damning situation. June might never be mother but it's no ones, not even deaths, fault but her own. Because she's too impulsive. Too pessimistic and too set in a fate that she's been itching to fulfill since she was ten years old. Some people are just not meant to live — it's got nothing to do with the love/or lack of thereof around them, sometimes people are just born sad, nothing you say can change that. For a moment maybe. But you'll do nothing but prolong the issue. June was tired of prolonging things.

            "I'm sorry," June says to Iris.

            "For?"

           "Everything," Her granddaughter explains. "I know it wasn't your choice to see the things you do. I know that more than anyone ... I'm sorry for blaming you for telling me all those years ago. I'm glad you did."

         "I'm not," Iris shakes her head.

         "Why?"

        "Do you want to know, truly?"

       "I suppose."

       Iris sighed, sitting down next to her. She folded her hands together and that's when June realized, if she somehow managed to live, Iris is what she'd look like when she was her age. Daphne was too much of a Uley, with her sharp face and rough bone structure, to have the traditional beauty that Iris' blood has. The one that's all high cheekbones, vivid blue eyes, pouty lips, and a button nose.

        "I wasn't in my right mind then," Iris confesses tersely. "Before I told you of your fate, your mother and I used to be as close and you are to her. Daphne told me everything ... there wasn't a decision she made without asking me. That's all I ever wanted. For my children to come to me. Joshua, your uncle Joshua has always been a stubborn oaf like his father, but Daphne was my own summer girl."

June smiles faintly, "I remember you two like that."

Iris nods, "After you turned nine ... I kept having those horrible nightmares of your death. The diamonds and you holding your heart in your hands ..." She sniffled. "It was driving me to insanity, keeping that in, I kept worrying about your mother, you don't understand how scared I was for my daughter. Losing a child isn't a thing a parent should ever live through. So when you visited me that day I couldn't stop myself from saying it — Daphne never yelled at me like she did that day."

June remembered that, too. "I'd never seen her so angry with someone," She mumbles. "I didn't think she could get that angry."

"There's a lot of your mother that's changed since she was a girl," Iris says. "She was still only about twenty-five, being told her only child was going to be killed. I knew her pain. I'd seen it before ..."

That makes June perk, "Before?"

"It's no good bringing up the past."

"Depends on what past," June says.

Iris looks at her, "Your mother had a life before you. She wasn't always the doting mother she is now," Her grandma smiles. "Every boy on the Reservation wanted her — but she only had eyes for one."

June knows this story, "My dad."

Iris chuckles, "In the end."

"You mean ... mom loved someone else?"

"Charlie has always been her true love," Iris corrects. "They has been onto each other since they were children ... but when Charlie met Renée, Daphne was heartbroken. Your father didn't see her as anything more than some pretty fifteen year old girl. But Quil Ateara IV. Now he's someone who did."

"Quil as in Quil's dad?" June wondered, her brows furrowing. "What are you—"

"Daphne has always loved too quickly and trusted too much," Iris interrupts, sadly. "That Ateara boy was the first one I liked out of all of your mothers admirers. But then Charlie came back to her and Quil had been with Joy Quehpa already, a son in her arms ... Daphne was so heartbroken."

        June realizes what her grandma is telling her. Flashes of the night before, her own circumstances, watching her thighs stain red and the pain continue after each wave of blood spilled. She can faintly imagine a younger Daphne, in the same situation. Maybe she wasn't the only who's died a few times before it's really time to go? But the realization that Daphne had been in a similar position, loving two people at the same time, made June's heart ache terribly. Daphne had erased a life that she made with someone she loved because they loved another. Almost the same June did — Jacob would have no chance of fully loving April if he had a blue eyed baby reminding him of its dead mother. 

           "Why are you telling me this?"

           "Because," Iris says. "You're not the first person who has secrets that you'd rather die than confess. Your mother was friends with Joy ... and Quil was Charlie's friend."

          "People make mistakes."

         "Exactly," Iris nodded.

        June looks down at her hands, "I've paid for mine already. Grandma? You promise me that you won't tell a soul? Not even mom. Not even when I'm gone." She says seriously.

      "Not a soul."

•—•—•—•—•

JUNE TOLD JACOB THAT BELLA AND EDWARD would be taking her to the rendezvous point where they'd be training for the fight. She heard the disapproval in Jacob's voice but honestly, if she was near him, alone, June didn't know what her emotions would make her do. What she'd might confess ... June could've have Jacob hate her. No, she spent so long cultivating an image of herself for everyone to remember when she died. She wouldn't have it ruined by the title of "the almost teenage mother who's dead now" and June didn't think that anyone would flock her to side of defense if they found out she prevented a spirit warrior from being born. Any child of a Mender and a Wolf will automatically phase when they come of age. Regardless of a vampire presence or not.

          Secretly, selfishly, June thought maybe it was all for the better. No matter how much Jacob wouldn't tell her, she knew how heavy the burden of being a spirit warrior was. She wouldn't wish a death sentence on her own children. She wouldn't want them to hate the person they've become, just like the blinding self hatred she sees in Jacob's eyes constantly.

         June had her hands in her jacket pocket. She dangled her feet over the hood of Edward's Jeep, waiting for the wolves to come.

            "So ... what really made you want to third wheel?" Edward asked as he walked up beside her.

          June looked at him, "Hey."

         "You didn't talk the whole ride here," Edward points out. "Your sister said you didn't come home the night before ... but you weren't at your wolfs'. I suspected at your grandmothers then."

        "Stop being nosy, bitch."

        Edward laughs, "Forgive me."

       June manages to smile. Strange. She looks out in the clearing. She feels Edward tense beside her suddenly. June doesn't see the wolves ... but then she remembers. She's sitting next to a mind reader. Her thoughts must be so loud. Edward suddenly holds her hand. A friendly gesture. A comfort. One she could do without; she just wanted Jacob. But she couldn't face him wholeheartedly yet ... not without breaking down.

           June turns to him, "You ... heard?"

          Edward nods, his golden eyes searching her blue ones. "How are you?"

         "I just am," June shrugs. "Trying to deal."

          "Did he ..."

          "He'll never know."

          For once, Edward doesn't say something snarky or pretentious. He just sits beside her. "I'm sorry, Juniper."

           "I should've known better," June says with a dark look in her eye. "Menders' aren't exempt from teen pregnancy. But I was selfish. I wanted him. I wanted to know I had him like that before ..."

         "That girl from the wedding," Edward puts her staticky thoughts together. "She's going to be his ... you really thought everything through."

           "She's gonna make him happy."

          "Not like you."

          "No," June agrees. "Because there's only me."

          "Don't I know it," Edward says.

          "I know you don't owe Jacob anything," June suddenly says. "And I won't ask you if you don't want to—"

         "I'll do it."

         "You don't even know what it is?"

         "No," Edward nods, sighing. "But I'd do anything for you, Juniper. You know that."

         June looks in his eyes, "Just make sure he doesn't hurt himself after I ... I have a feeling we'll all be there when it's over." She says. "Please."

        "I'll try my best."

        She smiles then, "You two are so alike. Always doing stuff for me ... when I don't deserve either of your devotion," She says sadly. "Maybe in another life y'all could've been friends."

       "This life isn't over yet," Edward says to her surprise.

       June looks away then. The vampire sees it in her face; he understood that the young girl didn't think any of them might win this fight. But he also knew she'd fight tooth and bail to make sure she would. There was a crack of a branch and both June and Edward looked up at the sound. That's when she saw the wolves — a reassuring smile rose on her lips. It was okay. She was okay. Edward gave her a hand to help her off the Jeep and she rushed over to meet them.

        "The wolves are here," Jasper proclaimed as he came out from his car. He looks to June, his side smirk prominent, "Take the reins, wolf princess."

       June mock curtsied, "Thanks, sir."

      When she caught sight of Jacob in his wolf form, she practically crumbled in her mind. But physically, she but on her best smile and bounced over, wrapping her arms the best she could around Jacob's large wolf body. To no avail of course but her wolf wagged his tail in glee at the sight of his mate and she heard a deep rumble in his chest as she hugged him. She pulled back and smiled.

        "They don't trust us enough to be in their human forms," Edward obviously read the minds of the pack and informed Carlisle, who was walking onto the scene with his wife and other children.

       Carlisle nods, a faint smile on his handsome face. "They came. That's all that matters," He nods to June and she grins. He looks to Edward. "Do you mind translating?"

       Edward sighs in boredom.

       Drama queen, June pushes her thought to him.

      Edward looks at her. He smirks.

      A growl emits from Jacob, obviously unnerved by the easy going mental conversations that was going on between his mate and the vampire. June cleared her throat and looked away whole Edward gave a look of annoyance to Jacob.

      Carlisle claps his hands together as he signals his words, "Welcome," He greets. He gestures to his son beside him, "Jasper has experience with newborns. He'll teach us how to defeat them."

      Arms crossed, Edward says, "They want to know how the 'newborns' is differ from us."

      Carlisle nods, he looks to the wolves. "They're a great deal stronger than us, because their own human blood lingers in their tissues." He tells them informatively. "Our kind is never more physically powerful than in our first several months of this life."

          June catches the flicker of excitement that flashes over Bella's face and the look of resentment on Rosalie's. Both very different girls; Rosalie catches her eyes and smiles warmly at her. June missed her dearly.

Miss you, she mouthed before June could.

Miss you more, June said back.

       Jasper spoke, "—Carlisle's right. That's why they are created." He says, looking at the wolves with sharp eyes. "A newborn army, doesn't need thousands like a human army. And no human army
could stand against them. The two most important things to remember are, first ... Never let them get their arms around you. They'll crush you instantly. The second..." He walks around. "Never go for the obvious kill. They'll be expecting that. And you will lose — no questions."

          Jasper circled around the center of the clearing and gestures for one of his brothers, "First up? Emmett?"

        The large vampire grins like a boy, "Finally."

        "Don't hold back." Jasper says.

        "Not in my nature."

        June watches in awe as they move like water. Jasper is obvious more skilled in fighting; his arms are like slaps of wind that slice through the air without any hesitation. Emmett, too cocky for his own good, underestimated his more lithe brother and was too slow for Jaspers graceful hits. It went on like this for several minutes, Jasper correcting Emmett and talking towards the wolves for clarification. Carlisle goes next, the kind doctor good with his skills but not as good as Jasper. Rosalie even manages to go longer than her own husband, her graceful figure quicker than Jasper.

      "Never lose focus." Jasper reminds as he knocks Edward to the ground, making Bella laugh.

      "Shake it off, babe!" Bella cheers.

       Edward gives her a thumbs up.

      June laughs. Then Alice goes and she knocks everyone out; she jumps down on Jaspers back and pecks his lips before knocking him down. The vampire is impressed by his mates actions and they continue sparring.

      The Mender takes time to go over to her pack, her boyfriend more specifically, "Some of you are gonna get hurt." June says with a shaky voice.

     Jacobs' wolf huffs.

     June scowls, "Some of you could get killed," She reminds heatedly. "Jared has a kid now ... Emily and Lyanna would go crazy if something happened to their wolves. Leah is in danger, too. You didn't think this through."

      The large wolf looks at her, his shining mocha irises spilling emotion. I'd do anything for you, Jacob pushes his thoughts as she opens the communication. The same words Edward tells her. June's heart clenches again. She doesn't deserve it.

        "That's the problem," June says.

         Her wolf grunts. Your safety isn't a negotiation, Jacob's voice is deeper when he's a wolf and it sends fear down her spine.

          "I know you'd do anything for me," June nods, reaching out to run her hand through his fur. "But I can take care of you, too. You promised me that you'd let me."

           We can handle it, ocean eyes, Jacob assures.

            "It's gonna be a hundred times worse than this," June juts her chin to where Jasper is sparring with Esme. "It's bad."

           You could try being optimistic, baby, Jacob's deep chuckle in her mind warms her heart.

          "Worrying about things I can't control is my other superpower," She scratches behind his ear and the content rumble returns. "You know that."

         Unforgettably.

         "I love you." June blurts, voice thick with emotion.

         Jacob's wolf head turns to her, You OK, ocean eyes? You don't look too peachy. You sure you're OK? The worry in his voice and the pure emotion and determination in his words make June feel like the worst girl in the world. He could save her, June realizes. Jacob would fight thousands of newborns if it meant she saw another day in the art shack he fixed up for her. That realization alone is what guilts her into on oblivion.

          "We're done for the day," Edward's voice saves the day. He must've heard her sadness.

         June shakes her thoughts off, "OK."

         "Same time tomorrow," Edward looks at Jacob and nods at the wolf.

        There's a small silence. The wolf pack is already retreating back towards the Reservation, Sam coming forth and gesturing for Juniper to follow them. She supposed she should.

       June looks at Bella, "Tell dad I'll be late."

       Bella smiles, "Careful. Love you. Text me."

       Jacob lowers his body so that his mate can climb up easily, Edward helping her before he bounds over to Bella, kissing his fiancés temple as they retreat. June holds onto Jacob's fur as they walk back. It doesn't take long before they reach the fields behind Jacob's house. The guys are already phasing back, grabbing the bags that June never fails to refill with clean clothes and shoes for them to wear. Jared hollers he's off, something about Star taking some baby class in Port Angeles he's late for. Lyanna is waiting for Embry in her car as her mate jogs over, the girls' pretty face brightening as she rolls down the window for Embry to place a deep kiss to her lips. She waves to June after Embry gets the passenger seat, Quil going in the backseat. Sam takes Paul with him, Leah and Seth going towards her truck before it's just Jacob and June.

           Jacob's tugging on his shirt when he looks at her face, "You sure you're OK?"

          "Yeah, just stressed," June lies.

          He softens, "I'm sorry. But I can just sit back and let the Cullen's do everything," He shakes his head. "You're my responsibility. My life. You understand that, right, ocean eyes?"

           "I do."

           "Let's go inside," He tugs at the band of her jeans, his hands on her waist. "I'll make you some food and then you can sleep all day."

        "OK. But I want spaghetti."

        Jacob chuckles, kissing her forehead. "Of course."

•—•—•—•—•

THAT NIGHT IN HER BOYFRIENDS' ARMS, SHE has a nightmare. It's simple, not as scary her usual night terrors but it's close. All she sees is Riley. It's Riley's reflection; red eyes and paler skin. She feels sad all of a sudden. He didn't deserve that life. She knew he wanted a lot of things. But then he's looking down at a crawling body, struggling to get away from him. Riley stands over the being with a blank expression. Then it's red. Red. Red. Red. Red— and it's a woman. Her nightmare doesn't have a face but the name is there.

      "Welcome him to the battle," the woman purs in Riley's ear.

                Riley, obedient, crouched down. He pulls the man effortlessly by the leg. Without hesitation, he bites the man. A scream of agony is let out.

      "Riley," the woman urges. "It's time. I'm done waiting. We leave soon ..."

      Finally, the woman steps out of the shadow that the bridge above them had kept her in. All June can see is RED. RED. RED. RED. RED HAIR. RED EYES. RED HAIR. SHE EATS MEN LIKE AIR. The moonlight illuminated the sinisterly beautiful face of the nightmare. Her blood red lips curve into a smile that is too evil to hold anything of joy. RED. RED. RED. Suddenly she's back at her grandmothers house, the nightmare continuing, her thighs stained red and her hands, the water wouldn't get them clean. Her nightgown is red. The water turns red. RED. RED.

         RED!

        June gasps as she wakes up.

        "Victoria."

a/n: so yes, srry to those who are pro-life like everyone entitled to their own beliefs but I'm pro-choice and junes choice was not to carry a child that was gonna die along with her under a circumstance she couldn't control.