"H-hey, it's me..." I immediately thumbed over the number pad hearing that voice. There was a reason I didn't want to answer Mark's calls, and having him leave me messages didn't help. Without taking the time to hear the rest of the voice mail, I deleted it to find I had several more. I just didn't have the heart to listen to any of them. The desperation was clear in his voice but, he got exactly what he wanted which was for us to separate.

Admitting that to myself seemed so wrong. Mark was my everything: my sun, my moon, my stars. He was my rock, security blanket and best friend and I thought I was his in return. I found it so hard to believe how wrong I actually was when everything had felt so right between us. Looking back on our relationship, although short, it was long enough for me to realize just how much I loved him. Waking up every morning in his arms felt right, we passionately made love more than most couples do in a lifetime and although it was crazy, I had begun to feel as if Mark was THE one.

"Please pick up."--"We need to talk." Each message appeared to be more desperate than the one previous and I was beginning to feel if perhaps I should call him back. Surprisingly guilt had started to set in. I felt bad for walking away like I did, and I felt even worse about the threat Juliet had made as that wasn't her place. However, I also understood why she got involved and said what she did. I tried to find an ounce of comfort in knowing that in the long run, everything would workout for the best no matter how crazy that thought seemed to me in the moment.

"See this is exactly what I mean about being so Goddamn immat..." Immediately I scoffed and held down the button to delete the voicemail. The moment of desperation and panic seemed to have faded and now the voicemails weren't just painful yet pitiful to listen to but they were also getting insulting. I had thought a lot about hearing Mark out now that it had been a couple of days since we last spoke but, that was something I needed to do when I was ready. I was still very confused, heartbroken and fragile.

After all that had transpired, I was no longer just trying to figure out my situation but, I was questioning my entire life. My whole world had been rocked and thrown into a hurricane that completely crushed it, tore it into pieces and then let it blow away in it's winds. I was simply trying to take the time to put it back together again piece by piece. I was no long just confused, I was lost and frankly, wasn't sure who I was or how to be myself anymore.

It got me to start realizing that maybe Mark knew something about me that I didn't. Perhaps I did have insecurities that I didn't know existed. That thought alone drove a dagger to my heart because it was the moment I realized that, even if I didn't have these so called 'insecurities,' there could never be a happy relationship without trust. Although Mark had never given me a reason to not trust him, for one reason or another, I couldn't full heartedly believe his story. Be it insecurities or intuition, there was something keeping me grounded on the choice I had made.

"Please..." The last and final message was brief and perhaps the most painful to listen to. Mark's voice was breathy and shaky and for whatever reason, this message was the only one I couldn't immediately erase. Although the first time was hard enough, instead of deleting the message I chose to listen to it again. "Please..." Listening to that one simple word for a second time strangely seemed harder than the first. This time I had managed to catch something I overlooked the first time- he has been crying.

I couldn't find it within myself to delete the message, nor listen to it again. My heart could only take so much, and even just hearing his voice made me feel sick to my stomach. Without having been able to end the call, I lost grip on my phone when the sickening feeling began to make me feel weak again, and it dropped from between my shoulder and bounced onto the sofa beneath me. It amazed me how internally conflicted I was. I was angry, I felt guilty yet I was proud of myself but, those three didn't add up and I just couldn't make sense of it.

In order to provide myself some kind of distraction I finally managed to peel myself off of the living room sofa and trailed my way through the room, out into the hallway and headed towards the kitchen. A quiet night at home, curled up on the couch with popcorn and a movie sounded like a nice evening. Entering the kitchen, I immediately headed towards the cupboard, and searched it high and low for the popcorn. Unfortunately, it appeared my parents didn't have the time to do some shopping before they left, leaving me without a snack and put a slight damper to that peaceful evening I had planned. Discouraged without the comfort food, I turned back around and went back into the living room still determined to watch a movie, with or without snacks.

***

A booming thud had catch my attention and startled me causing me to jump. At first I simply passed off the noise as having been something outside but when yet another pounding came echoing through my house, I began to get freaked out. It was unusual to have company this late in the evening so to hear someone knocking on my front door caused my blood to chill and my heart to race. I slowly shuffled myself forward and reached across to the coffee table, grabbing the television remote and turned it off completely as if to try and pretend like no one was here.

Again the banging persisted and the louder the knocking had gotten, the more on edge I began. 'Who the hell could it be this last?' My mind was racing with a number possibilities, most of which helped to calm my nerves. After convincing myself of outcomes, I made a slow trail towards my door. Cautiously, I stepped close to my door and looked out of the hole, to see a shadowed figure that I couldn't make out. Hopeful that turning on a light may help, I flicked on the hallway light and opened door to a surprising visitor.

"Are you crazy, what if my parents were home!" The very suggestion didn't seem to phase him in the slightest and I found that rather curious. Mark just perked his head up to look at me, and thanks to the hallway light illuminating him, I could see him crystal clear. His beautiful locks were unkempt and a complete mess. A red flannel shirt I had yet to see was only half tucked in, his cheeks were flushed a deep red tone and his eyes appeared pink and puffy. It wasn't hard to see, this man was in shambles.

"I do-don't care. It'd be wor-worth it," he slurred in response. My brows began to furrow at his reply and just setting my gaze upon the sight that was before me, I could tell something about this, wasn't right. "Have you been drinking?" The fact that he seemed to be involuntarily swaying back and forth kind of gave me an answer without the need for words. Mark was clearly standing on wobbly legs, and seemed to have difficulty even standing up straight.

"I might have been," he hissed leaning on the door frame with a glare that seemed so glossy and hazed over. It was as if the lights were on but no one was home. Just taking in what I was witnessing caused some concern. I had no idea how much he had consumed nor how he had even gotten here but, just the fact that he was standing in front of me told me, he had enough to severally impair his judgment.

"Please don't tell me you drove here." It was unlike Mark to do something so stupid but, given his impairment, I couldn't put it passed him. His eyes lit up for a second, and a half ass grin had formed, as he cocked his head to look behind him. Out of curiosity, I tried to meet his eyes and followed them in order to see what his attention was focused on and I was stunned to discover what I had feared. Out in the driveway was Mark's vehicle that had been parked crooked within my driveway.

"You fucking idiot, you could have been killed!" In the moment it didn't exactly occur to me that not only could he have hurt himself but, he could have hurt others. The very thought completely mortified me. "Oh give it a rest! It's not like you'd c-care if something ha-happened to me anyway." In a single second my heart had been completely ripped from my chest. Perhaps it was the alcohol talking but, it absolutely crushed me to hear that he felt I wouldn't care.

"Of course I'd care. If something were to have happened to you, I'd be completely beside myself." Somehow Mark seemed to have shrugged that off as if my words were meaningless but, even if he didn't realize it at the time, at least I knew just how much I meant them. "Can I come in?" I was put on the spot out of circumstance. After all that had happened, I still wasn't quite ready to have such a serious conversation with him especially in his current state. However, he was in no position to head home and I was too scared to turn him away.

I scooted over to the right and opened the door wide enough for him to step through. With a slight, silent sigh I watched Mark step in and stumble over his own two feet as he made a desperate struggle to remove his shoes at the door. I still wasn't at all happy about the situation but, knowing that he was safe and he came here as oppose to doing something even more incredibly stupid put me a bit more at ease. I was just grateful that as foolish as drinking and drive was, he hadn't hurt himself or others.

Mark seemed to be familiar with layout of my house because as soon as he managed to remove his shoes, he took stuttered, shaky footsteps through the hall entering the living room. He, at this point still hadn't said a single thing regarding his visit but, having a feeling I'd soon find out, I followed suit and joined him in the living room, taking a seat on the opposite end of the sofa than from where he was.

Just by the cold look I was given upon taking a seat, it seemed as if I had already done something wrong which of course didn't surprise me. Lately it seemed no matter what I did, I was always in the wrong even if I had the best of intentions. Constantly putting myself down for doing the wrong thing, or second guessing myself had already taken an inevitable toll on my entire being. I had always been confident and so sure of myself, but lately, especially when it came to Mark and my relationship with him, my world was filled with nothing but confusion, regret, guilt and just the general feeling as if I wasn't good enough.

"Wh-why are you sitting so far away?" His staggered hushed and desperate tone of voice had my heart ripping to shreds already and it was only a simple question. Although there was only about a single foot of distance between us, he made it sound like I was sitting across the room. However, whatever he was feeling, I was feeling it too. There wasn't just physical distance but emotional distance that was growing deeper and darker by the second. If I ever needed any more evidence to prove that we had fallen apart, that distant feeling was enough.

Out of sheer desperation to change the topic immediately so I wouldn't need to answer his question, I drew a shaky breath before finally finding the strength to approach the conversation that I was dreading most. "Why are you here, Mark?" I certainly had a relatively decent idea of what brought him here, there was clearly something he wanted to talk about.

Perhaps it was whatever it was he wanted to say a few days ago.If that was the case, at least now I was slightly more mentally, emotionally and physically ready to hear him out. On the other hand, given that he was already here, it wasn't like I had much of a choice anyway. I just didn't know what to expect and the anxiety weighing down upon me was torturous.

Instantaneously Mark diverted his attention to elsewhere in the room, looking at just about everything else aside from my eyes. I watched his chest begin to rise and fall with each shallow quickened breath he took. It almost sounded as if he were beginning to hyperventilate and the longer this continued, the more increasingly concerned I began. I still didn't have the slightest clue as to what the hell was going on but, he didn't seem like himself and that worried me.

"Mark..." I hesitantly reached out a shaky hand, gripping onto his shoulder. The need to provide him some sort of comfort was a pressure I had to submit to, regardless if I wanted to or not. As soon as my light hand rested upon his tensing shoulder, Mark let out a rather audible whimper and finally looked back over to me. His neck, cheeks and ear were flushed, eyes wet and puffy and his lips began to quiver. I felt in the moment, this was possibly the most vulnerable I had ever seen him. He was broken, and being that I loved him very much, I had to stay strong and be there for him, even if I somewhat felt like he didn't deserve it.

"The... only... thing I'm guilty of... is caring too much... about you." My heart was sent thundering at the sincerity in his words, voice and eyes. As his swollen eyes bore into mine like that of a scared lost child, he appeared to be searching for something. I didn't know what but, it was something that I so badly wanted to provide. However at the time, I was probably just as broken as he was. I couldn't very well console him, when I can barely manage to handle myself.

"Mark... I-I..." I stuttered having come to a loss for words. I never questioned how much he cared for me, as I knew that he did. However, what I did doubt was, through a moment of weakness could he had betrayed my trust. That was something I was still so certain of but, wanting to believe him is what was killing me. "Say you love me. Please," he whined as he hiked his feet up onto the sofa, curled himself in a ball and rested his head onto my lap.

This was so far off from what I imagined would have taken place and I was both stunned and speechless. After all, he was the one who ended it and now somehow, I felt like the tables were turned. "I was hurt and I was angry. I'm s-sorry, baby! I didn't mean what I said." My breath repeatedly continued to hitch in the back of my throat as I tried my best not to cry along side him. I could understand if he were hurt and angry but, he had no idea how much damage he had done.

Running my hand gently through his hair, Mark began to clutch onto my leg, and face harder into my lap. In his state it was so hard to tell if he really meant what he was saying or if perhaps it was the alcohol talking. If I could just find something to latch onto that would say with absolute certainty that he was telling the truth, we could go back to the way life way. That's really all I wanted but, I sat in our solitude of silence still trying desperately fit the pieces of the puzzle together.

The one thing my mind kept coming back to was wondering if Mark was truly innocent. If he was I just couldn't understand why he wouldn't have told me on Friday and why it was that he acting as if he's guilty of something. However, is he was guilty than he was doing a pretty good job at manipulating my emotions. I just felt like perhaps there were still some pieces to the puzzle that I was missing and the more I thought about it, the more it began to eat away at me.

"I've lost my job and I'm about to lose my dad. I can't lose you too." Feeling Mark's body begin to shake as his hyperventilating continued brought me to a new low. Just seeing just how torn apart he was got me to think that perhaps I was wrong. I may have felt as if there were still pieces I was missing, and his story still seemed rather unbelievable but, I had always trusted this man with my heart and soul. I had always said I trusted him, I just couldn't understand why my gut was telling me different this time.

I continued to run my finger through his soft, messy raven locks now beginning to softly shush room as it was clear he was becoming over emotional. I had never once seen a side to Mark quite like this and the longer I allowed this to go on, the harder it was becoming to remain strong. "You know I love you Mark and there's a part of me that feels I always will."-- "Then please come home! We can work things out! I'll try harder to be the man you want and deserve." I wanted so badly to latch onto those words but, he had been drinking. I had to wonder if it was him or the alcohol talking.

Unfortunately it wasn't that simple. I'm sure in his drunken frame of mind he thought it'd be as easy as to move on and pretend like everything wad alright but, the damage was already done to such an extreme extent that it couldn't immediately mend. Sure for his sake and my own, I could of play have pretend but, I knew that truly wouldn't keep me happy. We both said things that couldn't be taken back and I still couldn't full heartedly convince myself that I believed him, although I desperately wanted to, especially in this particular moment. However, there can be no relationship without trust and be it because my intuition and gut feeling was correct or being these so called 'insecurities' for the time being... I couldn't trust him.

"It's not that easy and I need you to understand that," I replied in a hushed tone, swiping his hair from out of his face. No words had ever been so difficult to say. Mark had practically pleaded that I go back home to him, and he was a dishevelled mess. As hard as it was for me to tell him no, I had to stand my ground which was agonizingly painful to do. "Baby please," he cried out springing up and instantaneously grabbing a tight lock onto my hand. Seeing the faint tears stream down his cheeks was something I didn't exactly expect to see from him. Each sorrow filled tear seemed desperate than the last, and each one was an even sharper dagger that was quickly shredding my heart to pieces.

"I'm so sorry," he exclaimed clutching onto my hand tighter, and leaning his head down onto my shoulder. "I'm not perfect but, I'll try to be for you." The way he had our intertwined hands positioned against his chest, I could feel his heartbeat. This didn't seem like an act to me it was so genuine and heartfelt. It was clear our separation was just as hard on him as it was for me and that was the moment I realized,  I was wrong. I had my doubts, and many questions without answers but, just something about his demeanour at the time made be realize, maybe Mark was right about having insecurities.

"You know I love you so much, and this isn't how I wanted things. I always said I trusted you but, I guess my insecurities got the best of me." I paused for a moment to draw a shaky breath, and just seeing the way Mark's face lit up gave me a warm sense of completion. I smiled wide, so overfilled with joy after having come to a conclusion in which I was satisfied with and let out a breathy chuckle trying to stop myself from crying. "You can't head home like this. Why don't we head to bed and we'll talk about this further in the morning."

----

(With this chapter being excessively long, I had to separate it. Please continue to the next part for the remaining half of the final chapter. Also editing will be done at a later date so please excuse the errors.)