Carl's P.O.V

"And this one is Michelle," Jay laughed, handing me his notebook.

I smiled and took his book from his hands. I don't mind looking at  what he writes-- because he just wants someone to read.

On the page, he drew Michonne. He wasn't a very good drawer but you could kinda tell it was her without a hint or clue. Yeah, drawing is not his thing-- but the small poem under the drawing.. that was the gold.

I know a woman,
Oh yes I do
Some may even call her a shrew,
But just between me and you--

Michonne's a beautiful mess
and none the less.

I looked at him as he fiddled with his braids, he was so intelligent and so brave, yet he doesn't even realize.

"I'm so sick and tired of living my life stuck in this prison cell. Someday I'm gonna be free." He murmured

You're free buddy. Sooner than I would've guessed, sooner than I wished.

"Carl why are you staring at me like that?" He laughed "You homo."

I didn't realize I was staring at him so intensely, until he broke me of my thought.

"Don't you ever wish we could turn back time, to the good ole days-- when our mamas sang us to sleep and we weren't so stressed out?" I asked

Jay nodded his head slowly and turned to me, "Nope. Cause then I would've never met you-- and Michelle and Rick. Y'all good people yo."

Can't argue with that logic.

"I got so much history in my head, the ones that I've left, the ones that I've kept." He said

Jay spoke like he was a poet, a poet in distress.

"So,  Jay, tell me.. What are your biggest pet peeves and all of the things that make you feel at ease?" I asked

He sighed and rubbed his hands together, "pet peeves.. uh, none really...OH WAIT, I ABSOLUTELY HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY WON'T LEAVE YOU AND THEN THEY DO! It's happened to me more than I can remember."

When people say they won't leave you, huh?

there was a moment of silence, where we both just stared at the ground. I have so much  to say to him,while I still have him here with me--- but how do I find the words?

"I won't leave you, will you leave me?" I murmured

"Nope, you're stuck with me until the gates of heaven open up... if there even is one." He said

That was nice to hear. That he'll be with me, until the gates of heaven open up.

My face began frowning up, and I couldn't control the tears that were about to roll down my face.

In the corner of my eye, Jay stared at me held his fist out to mine.

The first day I ever saw Jaden cry was probably the sixth night he slept over my house. It wasn't his home at the time, he was just sleeping with us until we found a place for him to stay.. but yeah, he woke up in the middle of night, screaming for help, and being the light sleeper that I am, I shook him from his slumber.
He almost slapped me, but that's okay because I saved him from a near death experience in his dream.
When I woke him, his eyes were full of tears and he could barely breathe. I didn't question anything at the time, I just hugged him.
I hadn't hugged anyone in a while that night, so It was pretty awkward. I pulled away and instead I gave him a fist bump, and when our fists touched, I didn't feel weird and I didn't feel awkward. I felt like I knew that it spoke louder than words.

Anytime after that, if I was sad, he'd fistbump me-- if he was on the verge of a panic attack, I'd fist bump him.

It was a brotherly way to unite-- to say we'd keep going. Keep fighting. Never leave each other.

I tried to reach my hand out, and fist bump him but I just couldn't.

I could move my hands around but I just couldn't move them toward him.

There was some kinetic force that I couldn't push past, I couldn't touch him-- I couldn't get close to him.

Jay began to fade away, and I couldn't stop him. He's gone.
He faded away, and now I'm sitting here alone.

As the tears rolled down my face, I just remembered that I never got the chance to hug him for the last time, and the last thing he ever said to me was that I couldn't protect him anymore.

I'm sorry Jay.

The room began getting darker and darker to the point where I couldn't see anymore.
I blinked my eye and then it was bright again.

So bright I couldn't see.

Eventually,  the brightness toned down and I could see again. I tried to sit up but I was too dizzy, my head hurt and I felt like I was dying.

I looked around the room, there was Michonne -- awake and alert, my dad, who was sleeping on her shoulder, Jay, who was happily smiling at me, Sasha, and even Abraham.

"Jay!" I yelled

He got up from the chair and ran over to me, but he got crowded by everyone else.

Michonne ran over and caressed my head, and gently gave me a kiss.

"Hey, bud." She whispered.

"Jay!!!!!" I shouted once more.

He tried to get to me but Michonne and Dad wouldn't move out his way.

"You're up," He smiled.

"Yeah-- and you're here with me!" I exclaimed

Michonne interlocked her fingers with mine and squeezed my hand tight, and I couldn't do anything but stare at Jay as he stared back at me...

"Jay you're alive!" I said

He winked at me and smiled.

Michonne rubbed her back hand across my forehead and everybody stared at me awkwardly..

"Carl who are you talking to?" she asked

I looked at her and then looked around and he was gone, he wasn't there anymore, he was gone.

I looked back at Michonne, her hurt eyes and dark pale skin...

"Jay he was here and  he-- he..."

Dad pushed past Michonne and  placed his hands over Michonne and mine.

"You doing okay?" he asked

I shook my head no and tried to sit up, but I couldn't...

"No no I'm not! Jay was just
here .... he was here, where did he go?!" I exclaimed

Michonne turned ahead and wiped a  tear it  seemed and turned back to me.

"Carl, Jay's been dead for a week now..." She sniffled.

He is really gone----I thought it was just a dream, but he is really gone

Suddenly I didn't feel hurt anymore, I just feel angry like I could punch a wall like I could kill someone. The anger was so built up from the time my mom died to right now, I just have to let it all out. I just got out of his prison cell, someday I'm going to be free.

"I'll go get Dr.Carson," Sasha whispered.

She walked out the room and Abraham followed, and then it was just me and my parents.

Dad leaned over and whispered something to Michonne and she kindly nodded and exited the room.

Dad crouched beside the bed, still holding my hand and staring me in the eyes.

We were completely silent and there was nothing we could say.

"I-- I've been asleep here for a week?" I stammered.

"Yeah.. Yeah.. Welcome back,  we missed you, son." He kissed my hand and smiled.

He's being more affectionate than usual, stuff's up and he doesn't seem okay.

"What's happened in this past week?" I asked

"Well, alot. It's sure been hell, that's for sure. Michonne's been living my life for me, cause I'm mentally unstable right now --you know, since Jay's been gone. Not many happy days around the house now.. Judith's been off the walls, and I can't control her. You've been gone and I missed you buddy, we missed you. But, look, you're awake and you're here and now we can mourn. But on better terms, Maggie's had her baby boy," Dad smiled "He's a happy little boy."

"What'd she name him?" I smiled weakly.

"Hershel Jr...I've only seen him once, since we've all stayed here with you but, I can't wait for you to meet him. He's the only thing to make someone smile around here, and we need smiles."

I smiled and stared at the ceiling...
"Abe and Sasha been here all .. For me?"

Dad nodded and sighed, "They're our family. They care about you.. they haven't seen the  baby either,"

"Can we go see him now?" I asked

"I don't know yet bud, you had to get 8 stitches in the back of your head I don't know if Dr. Carson will let you off the hook so soon."

"I had stitches?" I took my hand and  felt the wrap around my head.. Damn, my eye and my head is wrapped up.

Suddenly, Sasha and Dr.Carson returned, smiles on their faces from ear to ear.

"Carl, Hi!" Dr. Carson took a deep breath and walked over to me.

We talked things over, about how I was feeling. He listened to my heart beat, checked my tempature and tested my vision.

I'm okay, but I'm not ready to go home yet.
Maybe tomorrow, he says,or maybe tonight.

I just hope when I do get home, my bed won't be as empty as this one.
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The next day
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"Hey, you ready to go?"Michonne asked,moving my bangs from my face.

"Ready as I'll ever be." I smiled.

I've been smiling  more, because best thing to do is to not remember.

I smile because in my mind, Jay's in a better place, and one day I'll get to see him.

She and dad helped me from the bed and helped me steady my balance.

I walked across the room, barely being able to walk straight, but somehow I did.

There was this power,this determination in me. Even though half my sense was knocked from my head and I almost bled to death, I'll keep going.

Michonne and Dad helped me walk down the hallway, we passed each room,  with each patient in there probably on their death bed.

But I survived, and funny thing is-- we passed Jolene on one of those beds.

Outside,  Michonne and Dad walked hand in hand, leaning on each other.

I was okay with walking on my own, I need the practice anyway, need to get my strength back.

Suddenly they stopped in their tracks and stared off into the small field we didn't use anymore.

There was a stick out the ground, and once we got closer, I realized it was a cross.

.
.
.
.
.

A cross with Jay's named carved into it.

Michonne turned her head and walked toward Maggie and Glenn's without us.

She's not doing well with coping and I understand that she doesn't wanna see this.

I could barely stand the sight of it myself.  I just can't believe he's dead. He's gone and I don't know where he went, is he in heaven? is he in hell? is there even a heaven and a hell? Or is he just dead. just a spirit? but just dead means just dead. He can't see, he can't speak, he can't breathe, he can't think, he can't look over me and he can't be with his family anymore... What if he is what he was before he was born, nothing, just a thought in the  open air...?

He just disappeared off the face of the Earth, and I think it's funny how you don't know when you're going to go and how you're going to go and once you're gone there's no trace of you and the only thing we have left of him is his cross ...this cross made from string and branches.. this is the only thing we have left of a legend who deserved more, Jaden Thomas.

I took a deep breath and tried my hardest  fight back the feels, and continued on to Glenn and Maggie's.

Michonne knocked on the door, and sooner than later, A more than happy Glenn gladly answered and directed us in to the room where Maggie was laying on the bed with the baby in her arms..

Dad, Michonne, and I stood in the doorway staring at her smile down at her new bundle of joy.

I didn't know what to do & I didn't know what to say so I just stared... Maggie eventually  looked up at us and she smiled,

"well why don't you come meet baby Hershel." she said, in her sweet, sweet southern accent.

I walked over and happily gazed down at the baby. Ah, Hershel jr.
Such a great name, for a baby who's gonna be a great boy.

  Michonne fiddled with Maggie's hair and Dad  stood against the wall just staring at us.

I bent down to the baby and gave him  my finger, he wrapped his little hand around it and the feeling warmed my soul. It made me forget that the world is shit and that Jay is gone and he won't ever meet Hershel  Jr.

"Hey little boy. My name is Carl," I whispered.

He opened his eyes, his beautiful little eyes, and smiled at me. He favored Maggie a lot and he also favored Glenn, and I couldn't help but smile cause this is a handsome boy. His eyes reminded me of Jay's and after a while I couldn't look at them anymore so I just  backed away a bit.

"How do you feel Maggie?" I asked

She sighed  looked back down at Hershel,  "I feel like a mother, how do you feel?"...

That's the thing, how do I feel? am I happy, am I sad, am I hurt, am I depressed, or am I just angry?
I don't know but I'm okay for now.

"I'm alive." I chuckled

"That's always a good thing." Glenn butt in.

Yeah, being alive is a good thing, I suppose.

"Oh yeah, congrats on being a father, Glenn,"  I smiled "And congrats on being a mother, Maggie."

Glenn nodded and he couldn't keep from smiling, "thank you it's an honor to be one." he bent down and kissed Maggie's  forehead and rubbed his hand over the baby's head.

There was an awkward silence , where Glenn just  stared at me and smiled  with  his high cheekbones and squinted eyes, until Michonne stepped forward.

"Carl can I speak to you---- alone, in the hallway?" she asked

"Oh um, sure, okay." I put my hands in my pockets and made my way to the hallway, followed by Michonne.

When we were in the hallway, she  shut the room door behind her and leaned against the wall,

"I'm sorry Carl." She said

I stared at her, confoundedly and befuddled.

"for what?" I asked.

"About Jay..I know it's not easy smiling at a time like this but you're doing well, Carl, and I'm proud of you." she pulled me into a hug and gently placed her hand over my head....It hurt a bit but it was nice to have a hug, especially from her.

"Michonne?" I whispered

"yeah?"

The question I wanted to ask seem over rated, but I couldn't drag on it anymore I have to ask, no matter how nervous I am.

"Can I-- can I call you mom?"I  out bursted.

She pulled away and stared at me like I was crazy, like I was hysterical.. but I really wasn't joking I just felt like after losing Jay, who was pratically her son, that she would want me to call her mom.. Before it's too late.  

"Why would you ask that--- I mean why would you want that?" she whispered

Truth is why wouldn't  I? I don't know maybe because I need  something new something to reassure me that she is my family.

"Thought you'd  be fine with it because it's what Jay would want, it is, and ---you know what nevermind it's fine, it's fine. I was dumb for even asking." I chuckled.

She sighed and leaned back against the wall, folding her arms. "No no it's fine you can call me Mom." she smiled.

And that was our breakthrough. The moment I've been waiting for, the moment she's been waiting for.. look at us bud, she's my mom and we're accepting it.

Can you hear me Jay?

I smiled and exhaled my breath I was holding in, "let's get back in there, Mom."
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I hope this made up for me being a shitty person last chapter.

Idk when the next  chapter will be out, but when it does,  bring your feels :') !! Might be out later this week, cause  I've been working  hard on my other book "Highschoolers In An Apocalypse".. So yeah, that's something you could read, while you wait for book updates, if you have nothing better to do with your life (like me)!

Should I make a  Au Richonne book? Where zombies never happened and everyone's alive?

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Tell me what you think, excuse the typos, and stay rad guys.

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