(Before I start, the person I mentioned at the end of the last chapter actually removed the story from their reading list and was super kind and understanding about it. Wish there were more people on the internet like that. Anyways, on with the chapter.)

SO, right now I'm supposed to be writing notes for my Senior Project interview. To explain things a bit to you, because what I said probably might as well be a different language, the Senior Project is something every senior has to do where they do some sort of year long project that involves doing something for the community. It involves writing a research paper, and the actual main project (which could be anything from painting a mural downtown to doing a job internship or volunteering for a elder care home.) The last part of it is a final reflection on your project, which before COVID was done in the form of Senior Boards. Senior Boards are timed presentations on your Senior Project, usually presented to a group of school officials. This year the final reflection is heavily modified, so
there's no timed presentation, we just have to create some sort of simplified reflection that answers all the questions we're required to answer which are written in a google doc for us.

I chose to do my reflection in the form of an interview with He Who Must Not Be Named, who has supervised seniors as they create their projects for the past four years He's been at my school.

I've told you I struggled getting assignments done in His class before, and I've told you it's due to my perfectionism relating to my shame over what happened Sophomore year. Every assignment, every piece of work, every email, everything I do for Him has to be perfect.

For some reason I thought my Senior Project would go more smoothly. Yes, He's the one grading my Senior Project and looking over everything I do so he can give me feedback, but I've been fine up until now. I was able to write my research paper without too much trouble, despite having to ask Him for help so frequently. I was able to do the actual project without any trouble. I was able to record the hours I put into the project pretty easily.

But now, now that I'm trying to put together notes for an interview that I have to have with Him before May 28th, now I am stuck. Nothing I put on this document (which I have open on my chromebook right in front of me) is good enough. Worse than that, I feel like it's all absolute horse shit. I've always had a problem with perfectionism but this is to the extreme, and it's specifically related to him. It's not just not good enough for my standards. It's not good enough for what I am convinced his standards for me are. Yes, deep down I know that what He expects of me in reality is way less than I think he does, but I can't entirely convince myself of that at the moment.

This is clearly a problem. I am trying to finish my Senior Project, which I absolutely need to complete if I want to oh, you know, graduate. But I can't because of this ridiculous over-intensified shame, guilt, and self hatred I feel over that one time Sophomore year I had a crush on a teacher and decided to act on it, and it's stopping me from being able to just write notes for an interview I haven't even had yet with said teacher yet!!

Problems need solutions, right? Well lick my butt because I can only see several solutions to this and they're all not really the best prospects. Number one, I could just suppress my feelings, try to grapple with my perfectionism until I have a mental breakdown, and either finish it last minute after all that trauma or not finish it and not graduate for the stupidest reason ever in the history of stupid reasons for not graduating. Number two, I could talk to Mrs. Wonklonk about it. She'll be very kind and understanding, but it's very possible that it will go down the same as last time and she'll give me not great advice like something along the lines of "try and be aware of when it's happening so you can stop" which was basically what she said the last time I briefly mentioned my struggle with perfectionism in His class. I love you Mrs. Wonklonk but what am I supposed to do with that. Like, oh my God! This whole time I've been struggling with this when I could've just stopped!

But wait.....there's a third option. A third option that is oh so terrifying to me but might very possibly be one of the most obvious solutions.

I could talk to He Who Must Not Be Named about it. I could reveal to Him that despite me saying I was over it and we were good I've actually been tearing myself apart about it for the past several years. I could tell Him why my voice gets all shaky along with my hands whenever I talk to him. Tell Him why he might have seen me walk up to his classroom several times but then abruptly turn away and chicken out. I could tell Him that every assignment I do in His class feels like this huge impossible task because I make it so difficult for myself because it has to be perfect for him. I have to prove to Him that I'm a better student. A better person. I have to make up for what I did and if I make the tiniest mistake it's back to square one.

How would He take that though? Knowing that I've been hiding this from Him the whole time. Knowing that I lied when I said I was over it. Knowing that I've been suffering this whole time. What if He feels guilty? I know that sounds selfish, but I know Him, and I know how He apologizes for things he doesn't need to and how He's too kind for his own good. More likely, what if I make Him uncomfortable again? I removed Him from the problem when I apologized to him and told him we were good. Is it really the best idea to re-involve him? What if He really doesn't want to know and it makes Him feel awkward to know? What if He just doesn't know what to say or how to help me get my notes completed for the interview? What if he says He's no longer comfortable doing the interview and makes me go back and do a slideshow at the last minute? God, that would be so mortifying.

There are so many things that could go wrong with asking Him for help even though I feel like it might be the best option, and I don't even know if it's the best option, because what if I'm wrong and I just think it's a good idea to talk to Him because I always want to confide in him due to my attachment to Him? I don't trust myself enough to know whether asking Him for help would cross a boundary or not. I know my friend would tell me to do it, because my friend wants what's best for me. But what if it's not best for Him?

I just don't know what to do. I know I need to get some work done on these notes, but in order to do that I need to get over my perfectionism, but in order to do that I need help. But do I ask Him for help?

What do I do?

What the hell do I do.....?