Lmao I really need to edit this book cuz ya gurl apparently doesn't know how to use periods consistently. 

Maybe I was too busy not being sane to worry about using proper punctuation.

AnYwaYs, enough with the pretense, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.  (To defeat the huns.)

Well, as you can see, I have found myself dealing with all of my internalized negative emotions through copious amounts of sarcasm. 

Why is that not good?

Well, lemme tell you.

When do I have the most internalized negative emotions?

I'll give you a chance to think. 

Haha, you guessed it!  I have the most internalized negative emotions when interacting with He Who Must Not Be Named.  (That's what we're calling him now, 'cause teacher crush isn't really an accurate descriptor anymore and thank the lord for that.)  Hence the unnecessarily sarcastic email I sent him yesterday just to ask him about a keyboard shortcut and then proceeded to panic for 17 minutes, send a terribly worded apology, then panic some more until he answered my question with a 😊 emoji like I had not just been kind of an asshole to him. 

It was kind of a wake up call for how badly the shame and self hatred about what happened Sophomore year is getting to me again.  I mean I only sent a sarcastic email to him and in my mind I might as well have walked up to him and slapped him hard across the face.

I was panicking so hard.  I'm just so critical of myself when it comes to anything having to do with him so when I realized I might have actually been rude to him it felt like 10 steps backwards.  Every interaction has to be normal and all the work I do for him has to be perfect and if it's not then I'm a complete failure and I'm just being a disappointment to him all over again. 

It's laughable because this shit happened several years ago and he probably doesn't even remember it happened but here I am just clinging onto this terrible shame as if I killed a man.

It makes me feel so tired.  I have wasted years of my life in despair over this! So much energy and emotion put into this one stupid mistake that I keep reliving in my head over and over again. 

Oh, and I almost forgot, the sarcastic email wasn't the start of the spiral.  No, it got worse before that. 

I had had a bunch of anxiety during the last 2 days of the 1st week back to in-person school.  Then, I started to feel a little better next week, but things were still happening in the back of my head.

I had decided to try and pick out what exactly I felt for him, and had come up with a strong but platonic attachment to him, and a little bit of sexual attraction thanks to my touch starved ass being quarantined for so long.  This just made me more confused, because the mix of non-romantic affection and sexual attraction is completely foreign to me. 

So, after I while of thinking about it (and my friend bugging me about it) I finally decided to talk to someone about it.  The chosen person was my Current World Issues and Advocacy teacher, who we'll call Mrs. Wonklonk  (I know that's a really dumb fake name but I got nothin' else.) Anyway, Mrs. Wonklonk is an absolute sweetheart and has kind of become like my school mom.  I started confiding in her and chatting with her a lot during the pandemic, and she's been super kind and supportive. 

So why then, pray tell, did I feel worse after talking to her about my troubles? I honestly don't know. 
I mean she was so kind and understanding.  She told me it's extremely normal to have a crush on your teacher, and is in fact kind of a developmental stage.  She told me I was just caught up in a cycle of shame and talking to people about it would help (although it hasn't been enough for years now.)  She even told me someone did the same thing to her and when he later apologized she didn't even know what he was talking about.

But, she didn't tell me whether my attachment to him was healthy or not, which is what I really wanted a definite answer on.  I took that as it wasn't healthy, and kind of spiraled out a bit.  She also told me I need to be with another person when I go to his classroom, which caused me to panic because I had just gone alone to ask him a question the other day. 

All my anxiety just compounded and I felt like everything the voices in my head were telling me was right.  That all my paranoia is correct. I do need to worry so much about being careful around him.  I can't make him suspicious.  I can never just relax or be myself or be comfortable around him.  I can't ask him for advice.  I can't talk to him about anything not school related.

Long story short, I ended up having a mental breakdown in Spanish, which was unbelievably embarrassing.  I had a mental breakdown.  Over feeling shameful about the one time I had a crush on the teacher who's classroom is right next to the Spanish classroom and acted on it.  In a class.  Full of students.  And of course the Spanish teacher.  What a legacy.

Thankfully the teacher let me step outside, so I sat in the bathroom for a bit until I calmed down. 

So yeah, that happened, and so did the email thing, and I cried a lot last night due to being so tired of being so bogged down with shame and guilt all the time, so long story short, things ain't great!

I am going to have to do the interview with He Who Must Not Be Named for my Senior Project by May 28th and am panicking about that, and I'm going to be graduating on June 12th which makes me sad because I'm really going to miss him but BOI AM I NOT GONNA MISS FEELING LIKE THIS.

Just 24 more days of suffering.  I can do this.

P.S., someone added this to a reading list titled "What Kind Of Fuckery Is This" and honestly like boi, if you've read this book, you'll know I've got the hating myself thing covered.  Like this book is me dressed up in a clown suit and making self deprecating jokes what more do you want from me!??

I sent them a message asking them to take it off and explaining my situation but they're probably not going to listen because like who ever actually listens in these situations.