I'm just trying to suppress all the feelings that I have for him to try and make them go away and it's just turning into a big messy jumble.

I don't even really know how I feel anymore.

Everytime a thought of him slips into my head I mentally chastise myself.

It's difficult.

I'm hurting and confused.

I also sent an email which was kind of a formal apology to my therapist to relay to him, but she probably won't.

She's been acting weird around me.

I think they're both mad and disappointed at me.

I just hope they know that I'm not at all proud of what I did and I feel like shit about it.