I apologize for these consecutive updates but there's just a lot on my mind right now and I need to just....get it out.

If I'm being completely honest right now, I'm a little angry.  As I suspected, he never answered my email.  But he also just didn't do anything.  Never came up to me and talked to me.  Not even just to ask me when I wanted to have the interview! I probably could have just gone the entire week without talking to him and he would have never emailed me or come to me during school hours to ask. 

So of course, since I have to do the interview at some point so I can, you know, graduate, I felt I had no other choice but to go to him instead and ask him when a good time for the interview was even though I wasn't really sure that was what he wanted me to do.  As in, whether he wasn't ready to talk to me yet and whether I was overstepping by asking him in person the same thing I had asked over the email he didn't answer.

He mentioned nothing of the email when I came to his room to schedule a time for the interview, and he addressed nothing I'd said.  The only thing he said besides "let's do a practice interview at 10:30" was something along the lines of "so that you know it's not what it is in your head."  Which is weirdly vague and I have absolutely no idea what it means. 

I guess I'm just so tired of him never being direct with me.  He always chooses to deal with my weirdness by just ignoring it, which maybe is a coping mechanism, but am I selfish in expressing how difficult it makes things for me? He gives me NOTHING to go off of! He doesn't assure me that I'm alright and what I'm doing is appropriate and fine, but he also never tells me if I'm overstepping or if I'm making him uncomfortable.  All that he's given me so far is that if he ignores my emails it means I said something strange, but that's not really enough because what if he's just busy? And what was it specifically that made him uncomfortable? I can guess, but my guesses are probably usually off because I'm so self deprecating and I always overreact to things that aren't that bad. 

The most I can do is be overly cautious, which is what I've been doing this whole time but I'm just overly overly cautious to the point of being unhealthy and it gets in the way of me just being comfortable at school and being comfortable around him and just living my life.  If he could just once, ONCE be direct with me about something, tell me if I'm doing alright or if I overstepped, just one little cracker crumb to go off of and maybe stop from falling apart over the whole thing for just a bit.  That would be nice.  But he's not, and he will never.  And it makes me feel upset and selfishly slightly angry and above all else, hopeless and exhausted. 

I know the only way he'll ever say anything about it is if I ask him.  Directly.  To his face.  "If I ever overstep or make you uncomfortable, you'll tell me, right?"  That's all I need from him.  Is it selfish of me to ask him that? To bring it up again and put all that awkwardness back on the table. 

I don't know, but for once I've decided to do this without spending hours wondering whether it's the best thing to do or not.  I feel like it's just such a simple way to not make me feel like I have to second guess everything I do.  To assure me that I don't have to worry so much because he will let me know if I made him uncomfortable.  Because part of the reason I spend so much time picking apart everything I do that's related to him is that due to his non-confrontational nature, I know it's a possibility I have made him uncomfortable and he just never said anything.  So I cope with that by just assuming everything I do makes him uncomfortable. 

I might wait until the interview, or I might just ask him tomorrow.  But I will do it.  I will ask him "If I ever overstep or make you uncomfortable, you'll tell me, right" and I will ask him to his face.  None of this is it really what's best bullshit.  It'll help.  It won't fix the problem, but it'll help.  It'll also allow him to put forward whether I actually have made him uncomfortable or not and allow him to speak his mind without feeling awkward about it. 

And if it'll do both those things, then why shouldn't I do it?

Right?