I honestly hate that I have to write in here again, but, it's important I work through these things before they get worse. 

It took me a while but during the pandemic I completely forgot about him, (almost said his name woops lol), which was really nice because before I could not catch a break from feeling bad about everything.  (Thanks brain.)

Now I'm fully vaxed, and this is my first week back at school.  I'm so happy to be back, seriously, I'm so starved of human interaction and it just feels like such a blessing to get to be around people all day and regularly see my friends.  Of course, because my brain hates me, the downside is that I started thinking about him and everything that happened the moment I entered the school. 

The night after my first day I couldn't stop cringing over little moments like when I asked him for a hug the second time and realized he knew I liked him when he turned me down awkwardly.  "I don't think that would be appropriate." It sounds so overdramatic but I swear those words and the mortal terror I felt in that moment haunts me to this day. 

I'm just so upset because I escaped all that self deprecation but now it's back again.  It happened Sophomore year.  I'm a Senior.  I should be over this by now.  What is my problem?

To make matters even worse, I've been relapsing on so many of my fictional crushes that I'm terrified I'm going to fall back on my obsession with him.  I'm just so starved of affection right now and I'm just, well, for lack of better wording, horny as hell thanks to the pandemic.

I've had thoughts about him I shouldn't.  I try to get myself to stop, but it's just so much easier to let whatever fantasy play out in my head.  My reserves are so weak. 

I know I can be better than this.  It's so wrong.  He is married.  He has three kids.  Even if he was interested in me, that's 4 people's livelihoods that would be on the line.  4 people I don't even know.  If someone got the wrong idea, thought he reciprocated, it would ruin his wife and his 3 kid's lives, not just his and mine.  This is so much bigger than me.  4 PEOPLE'S LIVELIHOODS.  Yet I know, I know if for some ridiculous reason he made a move on me I just wouldn't have the will to refuse and it makes me want to sob when I dare think about it.  Clearly this hypothetical is not worth exploring (I say after exploring it), because I may not know him that well, but I do know that he would NEVER EVER do something like that. 

So I just need to find the strength in myself to stop those thoughts and not go through this whole damn thing again.  And most importantly, if I do fully relapse, I NEED TO KEEP IT THE FUCK TO MYSELF. 

Also avoid him like the plague.

Which I'll be able to do until I have to do the interview with him for my senior project....

Oh dear....