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🎵🎵🎵

I want you
Yeah I want you
And nothing comes close
To the way that I need you
I wish I can feel your skin
And I want you
From somewhere within
It feels like there's oceans
Between me and you once again
We hide our emotions
Under the surface and tryin' to pretend
But it feels like there's oceans
Between you and me
I want you
And I always will
I wish I was worth
But I know what you deserve
You know I'd rather drown
Than to go on without you
But you're pulling me down
It feels like there's oceans
Between you and me once again
We hide our emotions
Under the surface and try to pretend
But it feels like there's oceans
Between you and me
I want you
I want you
And always will
It feels like there's oceans
Between you and me

🎵 🎵🎵

It's a fitting punishment for a monster. To want something so much—to hold it in his arms—and know beyond a doubt he will never deserve it. Kaz Brekker thought, his pulse quickening as he read the invitation in his hand.

King Nikolai Lanstov, Grand Duke of Udova, sole sovereign of the great nation of Ravka, and Princess Aeolian Kir-Taban, daughter of heaven, most Ethereal of the Taban Line, would like to welcome all and sundry to the grand celebration of matrimony in the royal chapel of Os Alta.

No rage showed in his face. But his fingers trembled, and every muscle in his body longed to crush the elegantly lettered paper to dust. That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

"You'll get what's coming to you some day, Brekker."

"You'll pay for this Brekker. There'll be no end to your suffering."

All those venomous words and curses that were spat upon Kaz Brekker we're finally coming to life.

Maybe Kaz had missed something he never had. And that was what destroyed you in the end: the longing of something you could never have. It was him and Jordie all over again, how he lost him—without knowing that he had lost him. The monster in his head knew, he'd lose her one day but still it stung, all saints, it stung.

They'd never been together, but they'd never been 'just friends' either. They were forever lurking in the dangerous in-between. It was like drowning all over again, but he won't just fucking die.

He'd told her back then that his bad leg was his tell in a fight. But little did she know it was a lie, she was his tell and Jan Van Eck saw it—when his eyes stranded to her instead of keeping his head on the fight. At the hotel lavish bathroom. He wanted to help her. Like she'd helped him. And she'd nearly destroyed him. And he thought maybe, he should let her finish the job; and here she was after all this time finishing the un finished job.

She cared about him, but maybe she didn't care enough and he didn't know which was worse. If only his heart were as cold as he pretend it is, maybe then he could get over this.

Kaz never does goodbyes but he needed to see her one last time before she left Ketterdam; she stood at Fifth Harbour, her green eyes like enchanted forest, her dark hair in waterfall braids. And when her eyes landed on him, she looked at him like there was something in him worth looking at. And he was afraid, afraid, he'll miss that look forever. He almost had her, didn't he? He felt ill.

"I'll find you again Kazuki, wherever we end up next." She'd told him. Maybe, she'll find him again, if not in this life than the next.

February 01. 2022