Effie Potter does what she does best—meddle.

*

Opening the front door to the smell of old books and delicious coffee was one of Remus's favourite ways to wake up. Especially after battling with his rusty key to unlock the heavy door. Every time this happened, he convinced himself that his masculinity was only slightly hurt. Remus smiled slightly at the sight of the tiny kitchen, tucked away at the back of the shop; it only had enough storage to store various coffees, teas and cluttered baking supplies.

Before beginning his morning ritual of baking muffins and preparing various sandwiches, Remus made himself a large cup of his finest coffee, sipping it happily and settling himself on top of the counter whilst rereading1984 for what felt like the millionth time, enjoying the simple tranquillity of his shop.

After this morning routine of baking and pondering, he attended to his bookshelves, arranging and rearranging the books until he was satisfied. To the untrained eye, Remus probably looked like an old man, sitting in his book-café, prowling over the organisation of his countless shelves of well-loved novels.

So, he couldn't fault anyone that thought him older than his actual age of twenty-three, he was painfully aware that his tattered jumpers and baggy trousers morphed him into a seemingly much older man. He recalled a couple of months ago, when this woman had spoken to him really softly and slowly, and Remus only realised that she had thought he was an old pensioner when Lily had burst out in peals of laughter, explaining that the lady must've thought he had hearing aids in.

Remus chuckled silently at the memory, tucking himself back into his book and letting the quiet wash over him. However, his blissful silence was broken by the sound of the jingle of the shop's door. He was prepared to give Lily a proper rant about the importance of his morning routine, but instead, he gave a warm, welcome smile to one of his morning regulars, Effie Potter.

"Mornin' Eff, what can I do for you today?" He asked, his thick Scottish sweetening slightly to welcome one of his favourite people. Remus had to admit that he had a soft spot for Effie and her husband Monty. They were an older couple who'd retired to the Highlands after their only son had grown up and moved away.

"Just the usual muffins for me Rem, I'm afraid I can't stop for a chat. James and Sirius are coming home today!" She said excitedly, her once English accent had now faded away and was replaced with the tang of Scots, her vocabulary adapting to the country happily.

"Och, that's brilliant, coming home for summer are they?" Remus asked, grabbing the small bag for the muffins, fairly eager to know more about this James that Effie always talks about. She nodded gleefully, happily ranting about all the housework she needed to do to prepare for her son's arrival.

Remus listened happily, umming and ahhing at the various string of compliments Effie spouted about her son, describing him as if he was coming from heaven, not London.
"So he's got a pal comin' up with him, you've said before that they work together?"

"Aye, they're business partners, been attached by the hip since school. Sirius is practically my second son." Remus smiled at this, loving the way Effie collected strays—himself included. He handed Effie her bag of muffins and an extra couple of cookies he had slipped in. Knowing that if she saw them she would insist on paying extra.

"He's too bonnie for his own good my Sirius, certainly too bonnie to be me own son" Effie laughed, giving Remus a cheeky wink, "I think he'd be good for you, maybe you two could even hit it off..."

"Away, get out of 'ere before I charge ya extra," Remus blushed, waving her away.
"As if you ever would, goodbye sweetheart!" Effie shouted, exiting the shop with a wave and smile.

Remus was rather lucky to have Effie, now that everyone in the village knew he was gay (after being outed by his ex, Fenrir Greyback) it was with the help of Effie and Monty that the village grew to accept him, which wasn't exactly easy in a small Scottish town full of old-fashioned minds.

However, that didn't stop the village from talking, and everyone begging to play matchmaker for Remus, with Effie being the worst of them all.

It was around 10am before his best friend and flatmate decided to surface. She entered the shop, tired and cranky, her hair dripping wet from the shower. Lily Evans stuck out her bottom lip and pouted.

"Remussssss, love of my life, where can a lass get a good cup of coffee round 'ere?" She asked, head in her hands, doing a sigh so dramatic that she should've been nominated for an Oscar.

"You could get fresh coffee if you actually woke up on time" Remus teased, already walking towards the kitchen to prepare Lily's morning brew.

"If only your Da didn't keep me up all night, with all that sex we've been having." Lily joked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively, as Remus cringed in disgust. the thought of Lily and Lyall Lupin together (even hypothetically) was enough to make him want to boke on the spot.

"I hope you're on the pill doll, cause those babies willna be braw, that's for sure," Remus said, emphasising his disgusted face whilst walking through and handing Lily her coffee, an extremely overcomplicated vanilla cappa-whatever the fuck it was.

"Are you 100% sure that you're gay Rem? Cause I'd marry you in a heartbeat," Lily joked, taking a sip of her coffee before continuing, "I reckon you'd make a brilliant housewife you know, you've even got the apron and everything!" She smiled cheekily, pointing to Remus's apron that Lily had bought him the previous Christmas, a frilly pink apron with a heart sewn over the crotch.

"Alright, I'll consider the offer Evans, but only if you grow a third leg," Remus said, taking a sip of his own coffee.
"Right, give me about..." She looked down at her crotch, "5-6 business days," Lily winked, sneaking a muffin from the tub.

"Oi, paws off!" Remus said, swatting Lily with the nearest tea towel, aiming for the muffin, but he was too late. Lily had already stuffed the whole thing in her mouth, grinning a wickedly chocolatey smile.

Remus had known Lily since childhood. Growing up in the same small Scottish town together, they had practically been conjoined since primary school. They'd even attended the same University together, with Lily taking business and Remus taking English.

So when Remus needed to get out of town, and away from his parents, Lily went with him, without a second thought.

"Effie came in earlier" Remus shouted from the kitchen, he was raking around the cupboards, looking for his missing oven glove.

"Och, I love Effie! What did she have to say? Any updates on the stealing of her garden hose?"
"Nah, but her son's apparently coming up from London, bringing a mate she says," Remus added, reaching behind a cupboard, retrieving the oven glove with a smug smile.

"Fir fucks sake, not that wankpot" Lily groaned, pretending to shoot herself in the head with her finger. Remus smiled as he walked back into the shop, rolling his eyes at her theatrics.
"Lily, you met the lad once, he surely cannae have been that much of a dick."

Remus had never met James Potter, he'd moved to London before Lily and Remus had arrived in Godric Hollow, and the infamous boy hadn't visited in the two years that the pair had lived there. Lily had met him once though. She'd gone down to London with Effie for a so-called 'girls trip', which resulted in Effie and Lily having lunch with James, (Effie's ploy to try and set the pair up no doubt).

Her plans failed, however, with the lunch ending badly, and Lily ended up slapping James in the face and storming away, proclaiming him.
'Britain's biggest Wanker.'

"Remus, he literally asked me—in front of his mum, if the, curtains matched the drapes."

Remus rolled his eyes but silently agreed that it was probably one of the worst things he could have ever said to Lily.

"Oh before I forget, Marlene left a message, wants you to pop by the Inn to collect all the little mini shampoos and that she's nicked for you," Remus said, eager to change the subject from James Potter. Thankfully, this worked and Lily's face lit up with excitement.

"Smashin! You can always count on Marls to supply the freebies... I wonder if she kens who nicked Mrs Potter's hose..." Lily asked, her mind clearly racing to figure out who the hose culprit was.

"Cor Lils, you are the worst for small-town gossip," Remus said, shaking his head at the girl.
"Remus, are you seriously not curious? Like, who would steal a hose? A garden hose."

"Maybe a hose thief?"

"No way José!" Lily said, laughing shamelessly at her own pun. Remus just groaned— throwing his head on the counter as he seriously rethought his entire friendship with this horrible pun-making redhead.

*

One hour. one blissful hour is what Remus gives himself for lunch every day. So, in typical Remus fashion, he keeps to a routine, rarely straying from it. At around 2 pm, He ventures out of the confines of his safe, warm café and into the village. Usually stopping a couple of times to chat with some regulars.

The townsfolk of Godric Hollow had rather taken to Remus, they liked his coffee, books and dry wit. Some stayed wary of him (mainly the older folks) but Remus had humbly deemed himself king of the over 40s crowd. Today he was stopped by Horace. (Nicknamed Slughorn by Lily)

He was an old retired professor who was honestly a bit of a nutter. He reeked of tobacco and only spoke of himself, constantly name dropping several unimportant people as if they were renowned celebrities. He was a character, to say the least.

"Remus laddie! Did ya hear what happened to Effie's hose?" Slughorn asked, his wrinkly hands smoothing over the horrid tartan blazer he had decided to disgust the world with today. Remus nodded and stopped his walking reluctantly. It took most of his self-control not to groan overall this idiotic hose talk.

"Disgraceful, isn't it? I bet you it was those youths, always youths it is. When I was teaching, the youths would never go around nicking hoses!" He boasted, puffing out his chest proudly.
"Even though there was that one sticky-fingered lass, Mandy Moore if I remember correctly." He added, tapping a finger to his chin thoughtfully.

Remus nodded along, silently wondering who the hell Mandy Moore was, As Slughorn was clearly expecting Remus to know. Luckily, he managed to escape after only five more minutes of Horace's many complaints, making up several excuses about needing to reopen the shop.

After his great escape, he decided he deserved a walk in the park. The day was beautiful, with the sun out and the birds singing. Remus almost sighed as he tilted his head into the sunlight, gathering some much-needed vitamin D into his pale complexion.

Deciding he was in the mood for a pasty, he entered the Weasley Bakery, seeing Molly Weasley behind the counter, a small redheaded toddler on her hip.
"Fáilte Remus, What can I get you today, love?" Molly greeted, rocking the child on her hip and offering Remus a toothy grin. Remus genuinely liked Molly and her husband Arthur, the two had three children and ran the village bakery.

"Just a steak pasty if that's alright," he asked bashfully, smiling at the babbling child on her hip.
"Of course that's alright, anything else? a cake? you just look so thin, dear... How bout a sausage roll? Arthur just made em fresh this morning!" Molly coaxed, her motherly nature seeping through.

"Go on then, a sausage roll can't hurt," Remus laughed, and Molly gave him a happy grin, tottering about, gathering a pasty and two sausage rolls.
"Did you hear about Effie's hose? God, what fecker could possibly steal a hose?" Molly gossiped, setting the child down to bag up the treats.
"Who knows? Horace suspects it's the youths, " Remus teased, knowing Molly shared a similar distaste for the man.

"Och he's off his rockers, what would teens do with a garden hose?" Molly laughed, handing Remus the bag of delicious smelling food.
"Drugs, perhaps vandalism, maybe they could sell it on the black market?" Remus joked, eliciting a laugh from Molly, a hand on her chest.

"Aye, as if Godric's Hollow has a black market," Molly laughed, looking down at the register and back up at Remus, a mischievous glint in her eye, "That'll be £4 pet."

"Molly," Remus said, a sceptical brow raised at the generous woman.
"What ? It's £4!" Molly defended, trying to hide the real total.

"Stop undercharging me, what's the real price?" Remus insisted.

"Fine, It's £5.50" She confessed, revealing the total. Remus tutted lovingly at her, giving her £7 and adding a 50p to the tip jar.

"Thank you, darling, see ya tomorrow!" Molly grinned happily at Remus's overpayment. He waved goodbye to Molly and her son, before walking out of the shop, a wide smile plastered on his face.

*

The last thing Remus expected to see when he walked back into his shop was Lily Evans holding a strange man in a very tight headlock.
"Lily? What the actual fu—" Remus began to ask, frozen in place, analysing the scene to see whether or not Lily was in actual danger or not. However, after seeing that the man was indeed struggling in her grasp, Remus concluded that he probably was in more danger now than she'd ever been.

"Oh hey Rem, just welcomin' James Potter back to Godric's Hollow," she said, still holding the man in a headlock. Remus thought that definitely, James didn't look very welcome, as he was currently thrashing about in Lily's arms, thumping at her back to get free.

"Lily, let go of the poor lad!" Remus said, still in disbelief overseeing his best friend wrestle a grown man on the floor of their café.

"Exactly Evans, listen to the man, let go of the poor lad!" James exclaimed, trying and failing to wriggle out of Lily's tight grasp. Lily just rolled her eyes, and reluctantly let go of him. James stood up and brushed himself off. Immediately Remus saw the resemblance to Effie and Monty, he shared their dark brown skin, with Effie's brown eyes and Fleamont's crazy unruly hair.

"You alright mate?" Remus asked, trying not to laugh at the dishevelled man as he readjusted himself.
"Smashing, It's not every day a beautiful lady wrestles you into a headlock," James said with a wink and a cocky smirk. Which obviously angered Lily, who now looked just about ready for round two.

"Potter I swear to Mary, Joseph and the donkey! I will not show mercy next time," She said, her fists clenched.

"Ahh Lily, just the firecracker I remember..." James said fondly as he recalled the memory, approaching the counter and hopping on a seat.
"Sorry about that, I'm James Potter, I'm sure you know my parents?" James said to Remus as he held out a hand for Remus to shake. Remus shook it and tried not to laugh at the suddenly polite man who had just been flailing about on his shop floor just a few moments earlier.

"Oh of course, Effie and Monty are in and out of here constantly, speaking about you in almost every sentence," Remus smiled, noting the bashful blush that had appeared on James's cheeks.

"That's Ma for you, a complete gossip she is," James half-joked, and Remus couldn't help but laugh in agreement. Remus was about to reply when the shop bell tingled, and the trio all turned to see Effie Potter herself, standing smugly in the doorway.

"Bitchin' about me while I'm not here boys?" Effie asked with a raised brow.
" Never Ma," James said, kissing his mother's cheek and smiling innocently, trying to cover up the fact that they were actually bitching about her.

"Ahh Effie, my favourite and most beautiful customer, how could you birth such an asshole of a son?" Lily cooed, turning round to prepare Effie's usual jasmine tea.

"Oi!" James said, looking offended as he held a hand to his chest, making a show of looking hurt.
"And my dearest Lily, why is my son an 'alleged' arsehole?" Effie asked, ruffling James's already messy hair.
"Because, Effie, Instead of a nice welcome or a simple hello he decided to greet me today by asking me what kind of underwear I'm wearing."

Effie gasped and clipped James on the head swiftly.
"Ouch ... Ma!" James groaned, holding his head and pouting dramatically.
"James Fleamont Potter! We do not go around asking girls what kind of underwear they are wearing!" Effie scolded, earning a laugh from Lily.

"Snitch much Evans?" James moaned, rubbing at his freshly flicked head.

"Creepy much Potter?" Lily quipped back, sending him a look that could kill, bury and cremate the man. Remus rolled his eyes in amusement, catching Effie's eye as the pair continued to bicker. They shared a knowing look and a sly smile.

"James darling, I'm sorry to interrupt this extremely petty fight that Lily is so clearly winning—"
"She is not winning!" James whined, in shock over his own mother choosing Lily's side instead of his own.

"Sore loser are we?" Lily grinned smugly, flashing Effie a wink of victory.
"Suck up to my mum are we? " James mocked, sticking out his tongue at Lily in a childish manner.

"James! Honestly, " Effie sighed, trying to disguise her utter joy at the whole situation.
"Sorry Ma, what is it?" James said, his expression suddenly turned soft and his tone immediately lowered. Remus clocked that James Potter was an extremely whipped Mama's boy.

"When is Sirius getting here?" Effie asked, taking an almost regal sip of her jasmine tea.
"Hopefully he'll be here by dinnertime, he got caught up at home. His boyfriend decided to break up with him, apparently being in Scotland was just ' too far away' for precious Benjy."

Remus was taken aback by the tone of James's voice, it was almost dangerous, he was obviously protective of his friend. Remus also perked up at the knowledge that this Sirius had a boyfriend, it now made sense why Effie had tried to set them up earlier.

"Really? Oh my poor boy," Effie sympathized, automatically in protective mother mode.
"Yeah, I mean I never liked the guy but Sirius seemed to like him," James shrugged, tugging a hand through his hair, somehow making it even messier than it already was.

"Well then, I better make dinner extra special. I've got a lot of work to do... Come on James, you can join me, you surely need the cooking practise, I don't know how the pair of you have lived this long on Pot Noodles & microwave burgers." Effie fussed, making Remus pang for his own soft-spoken and caring mother for a moment, remembering how much Hope fussed over him.

"Remus dear? Why don't you and Lily join us tonight? I've already bought too much food and I can't bear the thought of you two ordering another takeaway" Effie asked, a mischievous glint in her eye as she looked at Remus, waiting for his reply.

Remus froze, he could feel Lily's burning gaze on the side of his face, the clear, No, Remus, say no Remus, I do not want to go, expression that was no doubt written all over her freckled face. However, Effie knew that Remus was a massive pushover, and mixed in with his indescribable need to please people. He knew that he couldn't bring himself to refuse.

"That would be lovely , wouldn't it Lils?" Remus replied, flashing Lily a pleading look as her green eyes burned into his soul; no doubt daydreaming about ripping him limb from limb. On the surface, Lily remained cool and calm, giving Effie a sweet smile and saying,

"Yes, Ef! That sounds great ."
"Perfect, 7 o'clock sound okay?" The triumphant look on Effie's face was diabolical, what an evil genius that woman is. Remus thought.

"Yes, that's grand," Remus forced a toothy grin, wishing to simply bake himself alive.

*

"Seriously Lupin, how hard is it to just say, no thank you, we're busy, " Lily huffed, slamming the car door shut.
"She knows how weak I am Lily, she did it on purpose" Remus whined while retrieving the bottle of wine out of the backseat of his tiny, red and beaten-up car.
"Of course she did Rem, She's an evil, brilliant and cunning woman." Lily sighed, eyes turning to face the Potters massive house, it was practically a mansion, and definitely the nicest house in Godric Hollow.

"She's quite sexy as well if you think about it," Remus teased, earning a smack on the arm from Lily as she tried to hide her amused smile.

"I think you mean incredibly sexy!" an unrecognisable voice called from behind Remus, and Remus turned, almost shell shocked to see that the voice belonged to probably the most gorgeous man on planet earth. He was tall, (but nowhere as tall as Remus), with dark shoulder-length hair, and a smile that screamed danger.

Remus felt frozen in place, completely taken aback by the beautiful stranger who approached the two with a grin that should've been illegal. He was holding his motorbike helmet on his hip, and he raked his fingerless glove covered hands through his silky black hair. Remus felt almost winded as he continued to stare at the man, opening his mouth to say something and closing it immediately when he realised that there was no way in hell he could speak right now.

"I'm Sirius Black, and whatever James has said about me is a lie, " Sirius grins, holding out his hand for Remus to shake.

However, Remus's brain was still trying to get air back into his lungs, and blood back into his heart. So instead of shaking the man's hand, he simply stared at it. Sirius stood awkwardly for a moment, assessing Remus's clearly anxious face until Lily saved him by shaking the man's hand for him.

"I'm Lily Evans and this apparent goldfish of a man is Remus Lupin" Lily smiled, trying to diffuse the awkward tension.

Sirius almost chokes as Lily says her name, his eyes lighting up in awe, " You're Evans?"
"Apparently so," Lily said, giving Sirius a sceptical look, "what has that idiot James been saying about me?" Lily crossed her arms and gave Sirius a glare. Remus fought a sigh, fed up with Lily's complaints about the Potter boy that hadn't stopped since the incident in the café.

"Nothing, well— everything actually. James hasn't stopped talking about you since you two met last summer."
" Honestly, what an immature sod," Lily complains.
"Can't agree more," Sirius grins, sending Remus's heart flying.

"Doesn't he know that I loathe him?" Lily asked rhetorically, causing Remus to snort unattractively.
"I think that's what he likes about you, Lils," Remus immediately retorts, forgetting about the godlike man standing in front of them.

"Yup, that's basically it. James isn't used to being told no," Sirius says, looking at Remus with a fond smile.
" Clearly, " Lily says, looking back up at the Potters' vast mansion.
"Come on Lils, let's go in, then you can tell Potter how much you hate him to his face, " Remus says, grabbing Lily's arm and dragging her up the driveway.

"I like your style, Lupin!" Sirius proclaimed, jogging after the two, and Remus couldn't help but grin back, and he knew then, that he was well and truly fucked. 

*

AN

Boke - Scottish Slang for being sick
Nick/nicked - to steal/stolen
What can I say? I'm a whore for Scottish Remus & Lily
Kudos, comment and subscribe, or I'll steal all your hoses.