Chapter 7: I Will

"Can you do it, huh?" I asked.

I had never sounded so desperate like this before. Brienne's response could either boost my hope or push me further down the edge. But I had nothing else to lose, so I might just risk myself again.

Brienne just stared at me while I was dying to know if she can do what I badly want to do. Hinawakan ko ang bakal na kulungan saka mas nilapit ang mukha ko sa kanya.

"Can you link me to my past, Brienne?"

After her long silence, she sighed and shook her head. Bumagsak ang mga balikat ko at bahagyang lumuwag ang pagkakahawak ko sa bakal na rehas.

"I cannot do that, Lord Oscar."

"Just what I thought..."

Umupo ako at sinandal ang likod sa bakal na rehas. Saka ako tumingala at nagpakawala ng mabigat na hininga. Napailing na lang ako sa pinaggagawa ko.

"It's ironic how a free man like you appeared to be more wretched than an imprisoned woman like me," Brienne said, which I found not ironic at all.

I let out a sigh and lowered my head to rest on my knees. I suppose there was really nothing else I could have done besides bear the consequences of all the choices I had made in the past. Wala nang paraan para mabago ko ang mga naganap na.

"I never aspired to be a vampire. Not even once it crossed my mind," Brienne whispered. "Inalok ako ni Lord Caezar na maging isang bampira, pero tumanggi ako. I don't want to live forever. To live means to suffer."

"We don't actually live forever," I whispered. "That's an ancient belief about us."

"Yes, you do," she insisted.

"We don't."

"Why?"

That's when I turned my back and faced her. Nakaupo rin pala siya paharap sa akin. May munting liwanag sa kanyang kaliwang palad na nagsisilbing liwanag sa pagitan namin.

"If we really do live forever, she would have been still here," I whispered, still looking into her eyes. "I wouldn't be here talking to you and begging you to help me talk to her one last time."

It took her a moment to respond. "Well, those are unfortunate vampires. Sa pagitan naming mga tao at kayong mga bampira, mas mataas ang tyansa ninyong mabuhay nang matagal."

"Unfortunate," I chuckled. Tinulak ko ang sarili pasandal sa wall habang nakaharap sa rehas. "I thought I heard you say that to live is to suffer. How come those who passed away are the unfortunate ones, then?"

"Because..." She swallowed. The light emanating from her hand reflected in her eyes as they stared at me. "They don't have a chance to do anything anymore. Just because you are suffering now doesn't mean you are suffering forever."

"How long is forever?" I asked. "I have been suffering for a decade now."

"When did you even acknowledge your sufferings, Lord Oscar? Sa loob ba ng isang dekada, ni isang beses ba ay naglakas-loob kang harapin ito?"

Natulala ko sa kanya at hindi nakasagot.

"Do you think ignoring something will help you forget it?" she shook her head. "You are just wasting time. You have to take a stand and decide. Acknowledge your pain, feel it, then do something."

"I-I don't know what to do."

Tuluyan nang namatay ang ilaw sa kanyang palad. Nagdilim ang paligid. Gano'n pa man ay malinaw sa aking mga mata na nakatitig sa akin si Brienne.

"There are stages of grief," she said.

"What?"

"I said I cannot do it. But I never said it's impossible."

Napaayos ako ng pagkakaupo. Wala sa sariling napangiti ako.

"Let's do it."

"It's not that simple, Lord Oscar."

I shook my head. Sinabi na niyang hindi imposible ang gusto kong mangyari at wala na akong pakialam sa mga maaari niya pang sabihin. It is possible!

"I don't care how complicated the process is. I will do it," I said, full of determination.

I've never felt so alive before. Sa wakas ay may paraan na para makausap ko siya sa huling pagkakataon. Ngayon pa lang ay tila humuhulma na ang utak ko ng mga salitang sasabihin sa kanya.

Ano ba ang dapat kong sabihin maliban sa patawad? Ano ba ang mukhang maihaharap ko sa kanya? At ang pinakaimportanteng tanong ay gusto niyo pa ba akong makita? Hindi na bale. Basta ako gusto ko siyang makita. Gustong-gusto.

"Palalayain mo ba talaga ako kapag nagtagumpay tayo?" tanong ni Brienne. "I have no business here anymore. Nabuking mo na ang plano namin. I just want to go home."

"Ako pa mismo ang maghahatid sa 'yo sa Caligo Clan," nakangiti kong tugon. "You have my word, Brienne. I will not fail you."

"What if they found out?" She looked bothered as her lips winced. "That man who captured me— malinaw sa akin na ayaw niya akong pakawalan. I might provide some information that could help you win against Caligo Clan. But he won't still let me get out of here alive."

"Did you fail to plan your way out?" I asked. "Hindi ba niyo inisip na kung mabuking kayo ay hindi ka na makalalabas pa rito?"

I didn't want to give off the impression that I was concerned about her. Masasabi kong pulido ang plano nilang makuha ang loob ko, kaya nakapagtatakang hindi nasali sa plano nila ang ganito.

Bahagyang lumungkot ang mukha niya. Napayuko siya at pinaglaruan ang mga daliri. "Sabi ni Lord Caezar ay gagawa siya ng paraan para makuha akong muli. But it's been a week. I just want to leave out of here."

"Hey!" Lumapit ako sa kanya at hinawakan ko ang kanyang kamay. "Listen. Walang mangyayaring masama sa 'yo. Hindi kita pababayaan kahit na anong mangyari, Brienne. You will help me and I will return the favor."

Mula sa aking mukha ay dumapo sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya ang atensyon niya. Gano'n pa man ay hindi ko siya binitiwan.

"Thank you..." I whispered. Even my words didn't feel enough to show how glad I was that she would help me connect with Celeste again.

That's all I can think right now. Makakausap ko uli siya.

"I cannot guarantee that this plan will be successful." Binawi niya sa aking pagkakahawak ang kanyang kamay. Saka siya bahagyang umatras. "But I promise to give it my all."

"It will work."

"As I said, there are stages of grief, Lord Oscar. Hindi ako ang magiging sagabal sa plano na ito. Ang kalaban mo ay ang sarili mo."

"I am ready. Anytime," I said.

No words can discourage me.

Narinig naming gumalaw ang kandado sa labas kaya mabilis na tumayo si Brienne at tumakbo sa sulok ng selda. Saka siya umupo roon at niyakap ang mga tuhod.

"Lord Oscar?"

Napatingin ako kay Lord Varnes. Tumingin siya kay Brienne bago muling bumaling sa akin. Tumayo naman ako mula sa pagkakaupo.

"Kanina ka pa hinahanap ni Lord Reggar," aniya sa akin. "Mas maiging makipagkita ka muna sa kanya. Ikukuha ko lang ng pagkain ang bihag natin."

"Sure." Humarap ako kay Brienne na nakatingin din sa akin. "Ikaw na muna ang bahala sa kanya. Pakidamihan na lang ang pagkain niya." Saka na rin ako lumabas doon.

Hindi mawala-wala ang ngiti sa aking labi habang naglalakad pabalik. I don't care if doing this requires me to dredge out some of my most painful memories and experience them all over again. I have made up my mind to try all in my power to get in touch with her again.

Paakyat na sana ako sa hagdan nung mapansin na pababa naman si Lord Reggar. Nanatili ako sa pwesto ko at hinintay na lang siyang makababa.

"I've been looking for you around." For the first time in a long time, his low, baritone voice didn't make me feel anything. Even his stern face. "If you are not too busy right now, may I ask you for a drink?"

"I am actually busy," I said.

I was hoping his expression would shift because he usually would still insist, but instead, he nodded and said, "I will wait until you are free, then. I am just around."

"Actually..." Napahinto siya sa paglalakad nung magsalita ako. "It can wait. Let's have some drink for now."

Lord Reggar brought me to his house. Malapit lang din naman ito sa Mansion. Nakangiting sinalubong ako ng kanyang asawa na si Lady Merlaine. She was the most demure and possibly the most elegant wife of one of the Seniors.

Nakaupo lang kami ni Lord Reggar habang hinahanda ni Lady Merlaine ang mga inumin namin. Pinagsalikop ko ang mga kamay ko sa ibabaw ng lamesa.

"I have some errands to do. Please enjoy yourself, Lord Oscar."

Pagkaalis ni Lady Merlaine ay agad na nagsalin ng alak sa baso si Lord Reggar. Pinanuod ko lang siya. Wala pa rin sa aming dalawa ang nagsasalita.

I actually have no idea about what's happening. Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang naging ganito ang pakikitungo sa akin ni Lord Reggar. Wala rin akong ideya sa kung ano ang gusto niyang pag-usapan.

As I waited for him to say something, I took a swig from my beverage.

"About that..." he finally mentioned. "I don't actually blame you." He sighed as he sipped on his drink before continuing. "Or maybe I do."

Wala akong masasabi kaya uminom na lang ako ng alak. Nanatiling sa baso ang kanyang atensyon habang ako naman ay nakatingin sa kanya.

"Did you fail to teach them all the necessary means to survive? If so, how come he's the only one among your students who didn't make it out alive?"

"I'm really sorry for your loss," I whispered. "We do not have a clear understanding of the events that transpired and led to that unfavorable outcome. But one thing is certain, your son put up a good fight and almost made it out."

It also saddened me that one of my students failed the test of their life. Minsan ay hindi ko rin mapigilang hindi sisihin ang sarili ko. When will I fail to disappoint? I always do.

"I will not also deny that become a factor why I have been so rigorous and harsh to you. Because of that, I believe it is appropriate for me to offer my apologies. I apologize for letting that side intervene with our connection."

I just shrugged. Hindi ko masasabing tinatanggap ko ang paghingi niya ng tawad. Mabigat ang dinanas kong mga paghihirap sa kanya na hindi basta-basta mapapawi lang ng iilang mga salita.

"Since you are already here..." Tumikhim siya at sa isang iglap ay bumalik ang totoo niyang pag-uugali. Uminom na lang ako ulit ng alak. "Let's talk about that captive witch."

Natigilan ako sa pag-inom. "What about her?"

"Sa tingin ko ay wala talaga siyang balak na magsalita. Hindi rin maganda ang pakiramdam ko sa pananahimik ng Caligo Clan. If they will remain unresponsive, then we will take the first move."

"First move?"

Here he goes again, deciding things without consulting me beforehand. What is it this time?

He nodded. "Let's send them a message."

"I am not sure I understand your words," I said.

But I somehow knew that I would not like it. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa babasagin na baso habang hinihintay ang sasabihin pa niya.

"Let's send them the head of that woman," he said.

I hadn't even wholly digested his words. But the glass of wine in my hand had already shattered into pieces. Umagos sa lamesa ang alak. Gano'n pa man ay nanatiling nakatingin lang sa akin si Lord Reggar.

"There's no other way, Lord Oscar. I am the kind of leader who doesn't believe in a truce. And even though I am not the leader of this clan, I know for sure what's best for us. Once a threat will always be a threat. We have to dissolve that clan out."

"Good thing you are not the leader, then."

He chuckled. "Just as I expected."

"Don't you think that harming that witch could make things even worse? She doesn't belong to our group. What would happen if the witches found out? Uulitin ba natin ang pagkakamali sa nakaraan?"

"She's helping a group of vampires. That means she's crossing the world of two. If she's siding with our enemies, that means she's also our enemy."

I kept an eye on him while he gently took a few measured sips from his beverage. As if he hadn't told me he wanted to behead a helpless woman who had just become caught up between two worlds. As if he hadn't just planned to eliminate the only hope I had right now.

"We will give her four more days. Kapag wala pa rin tayong nakuhang sagot sa kanya." He heaved a deep sigh. "Wala tayong magagawa kung hindi sundin ang plano ko na una nang sinang-ayunan ng mga kapwa ko Seniors."

Fuck. Did they already plan this out without telling me?

"I have to go now." Tumayo na ako at naghanda nang umalis. "I appreciate you inviting me to your house, Lord Reggar."

I returned to the Mansin alone. Pagkaakyat ko sa kwarto ay nag-shower ako. Habang nakababad ang katawan ko sa tubig ay nag-iisip ako ng paraan para maisalba si Brienne.

Hindi na dapat ako maghintay pa. Kung gusto ko siyang iligtas, kailangan kong kumilos agad. But by deciding this means I will betray my own clan. I will betray the Seniors.

Maaaring ito ang maging rason para tuluyan akong mapatalsik sa katungkulan ko. Pero kapag hinayaan ko naman sila sa plano ay mawawala ang nag-iisang pag-asa ko.

I still want to see her. Badly.

But what will happen after? Kapag nalaman nilang ako ang nagpatakas sa kanya ay mas bibigat ang rason nila para patalsikin ako. Alam kong maaari din akong maturing na taksil.

I could lose everything I worked for.

Isang araw ang lumipas ngunit hindi pa rin ako nakapagpapasya sa kung ano ang pipiliin ko. Ang pansamantalang kasiyahan o ang permanenteng dulot nito sa akin?

"Where were you last night?" Brienne appeared on my bed again. Nakaupo siya habang nakasimangot at nakatingin sa akin. "Hindi ka umuwi rito."

"Nagpalamig lang," tipid kong sagot. Umupo ako at nagkunwaring nagbabasa ng mga papeles kahit na nakatingin lang ako roon.

The truth is, I don't want to talk to her right now. Kapag nakikita ko siya ay mas sumisidhi ang kagustuhan kong tanggapin ang alok niya.

I don't want to decide hastily. Alam kong kahit na makausap ko si Celeste ay hindi na siya babalik. Ngunit kapag nalaman nilang tinakas ko ang bihag ay ako naman ang mawawalan ng tirahan.

"Is there something wrong?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Marami lang ginagawa."

"Hindi ba nag-usap kayo ni Lord Reggar?" tanong pa niya. "May sinabi ba siya para bigla kang magkaganito? You looked so determined the last time we talked. Now? I don't even know."

Hindi ako kumibo. I flipped to the next page of the paper as I still tried to make it look like I was busy that I couldn't pay her attention.

"Did you change your mind, Lord Oscar?"

"They will kill you." I shifted my attention to her.

Sa halip na gulat ay nanatiling nakatitig din siya sa akin. Parang hindi na siya nabigla sa sinabi ko. I didn't appreciate the stillness of her expression. She should be freaking out right now. Ayaw ba niyang mabuhay?

"Kung hindi ka pa rin itatakas ni Lord Caezar ay dito ka na mamamatay, Brienne."

"But..." she swallowed. "You swore that you would help me. You gave me your words."

Umiwas ako ng tingin. Binalik ko na sa folder ang mga papeles. Saka ako tumayo at nagsalin ng alak sa baso. Ramdam kong nakasunod sa akin ang tingin ni Brienne.

"H-how many days left do I have?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Three days?"

I heard her sigh.

"They will behead you and send your head to Caligo Clan. It will ignite the real war." Bumaling ako sa kanya na nanatiling nakaupo sa kama ko. "That is, if Caligo Clan really cares for you."

"What do you mean?"

I smirked. "Kung may malasakit talaga sa 'yo ang tinuturing mong pangkat, bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi ka pa rin nila tinatangkang itakas? You are running out of time."

She shook her head. "You swore that you would help me."

"And I fucking will!"

Her lips shut.

Lumapit ako sa kanya kaya tumingala siya sa akin. Ininom ko ang natitirang laman ng alak habang nakatingin sa kanyang mga mata.

"If Lord Caezar will not help you. I will."

She nodded.

"Tutulungan din kitang makausap muli si Celeste."