Chapter 6: Greatest Loss

After drinking with Braun and Callum, I went straight home. Pagkapasok ko sa kwarto ay agad kong hinubad ang coat ko.

"I have been waiting for you," I heard a voice from behind, but I refused to look back. Nung naka-shorts na lang ako ay umupo na ako para gawin ang mga trabaho ko.

Our family-owned businesses are still getting bigger after so many decades. I may pay them a visit one day. I also miss interacting with humans.

"Lord Caezar was right in his assessment of you. You might not be the most powerful vampire, but you certainly are the most intelligent one. It's not easy to deceive you."

I turned around my swivel chair and faced Brienne. She was lying again in my bed, with her head resting against the headboard. Hindi katulad nung huli ko siyang nasilayan bago umalis no'ng gabing 'yon, sa tingin ko ay tanggap na niyang nabuko na ang plano nila.

"You are forever stuck here, Brienne. Makakalaya ka lang kapag pinalaya kita," sambit ko sa kanya habang pinapaikot ang pen sa aking mga daliri. "You know what I want."

"Forever?" she laughed sarcastically. "Nakakalimutan mo na bang hindi ako bampira, Lord Oscar? I am not here to stay forever."

I smirked. "But you will suffer as long as you are here. You are not a vampire to endure everything."

"I don't think I will experience the same suffering you have been experiencing throughout these years," she gave me a smirk. "I can only imagine how torturous, eerie, and agonizing it must be."

Tumango ako saka tumayo para lumipat sa kama kung saan siya nakahiga. Sumandal din ako sa ulunan ng kama habang nakatingin sa kisame.

"It must be lonely in the jail," I whispered. "Kaya lagi mo akong binibisita rito, hindi ba? Ano pa ba ang plano mo sa akin?"

I shifted my focus to look at her. Sa sobrang lapit ng mukha namin at sa dami ng parte ng mukha niya na pwede kong pagtuonan ng pansin, natulala ako sa kanyang mga mata.

"What if I told you that I am not siding with Lord Caezar because I owe him something?" she said in a low voice.

That was, I think, the closest I had ever felt her with me. It was as if she was actually here, and I could feel her breath against my face. What was it about her that I found somehow familiar? As far as I know, she was just trying to imitate Celeste's style to get me. It was strangely working for some reason.

"Would you believe me this time?" she asked.

"You tell me," I dared.

"I was there during the great war," bulong niya saka suminghap ng hangin. "I was part of the coven that Lady Majika orchestrated against your brother, Brixton. I understand that you don't remember me, given how chaotic everything was that night and that I was also hiding behind, but I was part of it."

"Yeah." I nodded. "I don't remember you being there. But I remember how your leader failed to realize that you were being deceived by one of your kind into thinking that vampires would give a damn about witches, especially Brixton."

"You mean your mother?" she chuckled. "Yeah. Lady Grenda is really a deceitful but powerful witch. Nagawa niya kaming lokohin."

I couldn't bear to look at her longer. Tumihaya na lang ako saka tumingin sa kisame. Ilang bote ng alak ang naubos ko, pero tila nanunuyo ulit ang lalamunan ko.

"But Lady Grenda was a Cardinal. Isang Cardinal pa rin ang trumaydor sa amin." Dumiin ang tinig niya ngayon, parang may pait pa rin ng kahapon. "What is it about Cardinals that makes them so hateful?"

That question hit a nerve. She's right about us. Cardinals are hateful and greedy of power. Matagal ko nang tinanggap na hindi na 'yon mabubura sa pagkakakilanlan namin.

"Do you really have to be hateful just to become powerful?" she asked again. "Si Lord Caezar din ang tinutukoy ko. He became powerful because he wanted to avenge his clan."

"Am I hateful to you?" tanong ko saka muling tumingin sa kanya. Nahuli ko ang kanyang tingin. "Tell me, Brienne. What makes you think I am hateful?"

"Do you really think you are the kindest and most gentle Cardinal, Lord Oscar?" tila nanunuya niyang tanong. "You did questionable things just to get here."

"So, I am right..." Mula sa pagkakahiga ay umupo ako paharap sa kanya. "Hindi mga alaala niya ang alam mo, kung hindi mga alaala ko."

"Wala akong kakayahan na kunin ang alaala ng isang namayapa na, Lord Oscar." Ngumisi siya sa akin. "Isang hibla lang ng buhok mo ang kinailangan ko para malaman ang kalahati ng mga pinagdaanan mo."

"How did you get it?"

"No'ng una kayong nagkita ni Lord Caezar, hindi ba tinangka ka niyang hawakan? Sa tingin mo ay wala siyang nakuha sa iyo no'ng gabing 'yon?"

I see. That was the reason behind that attempted attack. It was to get a single strand of my hair for Brienne to track down half of my history. That was a brilliant plan.

"I wish I failed to dig into your history," she suddenly said as her expression softened. "Your memories are cursed. I wish I were not this knowledgeable about you. Now, I am cursed as well."

"Not everyone can handle me," I smirked, feeling a bit of pride. "Especially after what I have been through."

She nodded. "You are right about that."

"Now tell me, Brienne. Why are you siding with Lord Caezar?"

Just when we had finally arrived at the most anticipated topic of the night, her image started to flicker. She began to blur into my sight.

"I have not yet recuperated my full energy," she smiled at me. "Kailangan ko nang bumalik bago pa ako manghina nang tuluyan. I will try to come back here as soon as I can."

Naiwan ako sa katahimikan nung maglaho siya. Naiwan akong nakatulala sa kama kung saan ko siya huling nakitang nakahiga. Alam kong kaya ko ulit siyang makausap ngayon kung gugustuhin ko. Kaya kong puntahan siya sa selda para ipagpatuloy ang naudlot naming talakayin. Ngunit mas pinili ko na lang na pumirmi sa silid ko at maghintay kung kailan ulit siya dadalaw.

But for some reason, I felt relieved when she said she would try to come back here as soon as she could. That means we could talk again. Susubukan ko siyang hulihin sa kanyang mga salita sa susunod.

Kinabukasan ay nakasalubong ko sa hallway si Lord Wenson. Mukhang aligaga ito nung mabilis na lumapit sa akin.

"Have you already heard?" he asked.

I just stared at him.

He pulled me inside an empty room. Saka niya ako tinitigan nang madiin. Sa araw-araw na pagbaba ko ng kwarto ay lagi siyang may hindi magandang balita sa akin.

"Tumiwalag na sa atin si Lady Mystique," balita niya. "That was not even it. Siya mismo ang tumiwalag, pero ang kumakalat na balita ay pinatalsik mo siya."

Nanatili pa rin akong nakatitig kay Lord Wenson. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko sa balitang 'yon.

"This is not good, Lord Oscar. Hindi pa ito nagawa ng iyong ama dati sa isang Senior kaya malaking balita ito sa lahat."

Someone kicked the door open. Lumikha 'yon ng nakakabinging ingay. Pumasok si Lord Reggar at hindi nag-atubiling lumapit sa akin.

"What have you done?" he asked, furious.

"This is a misunderstanding—"

"I am not talking to you, Lord Wenson." Hinawakan ni Lord Reggar ang dalawa kong balikat saka sinandal sa pader. "Pinaplano mo bang pabagsakin ang Nightfall Clan?"

I refused to say anything to defend myself because I knew damn well that he knew I had nothing to do with everything going on. But he would still insist that it was my fault.

"You worthless piece of shit!"

Napapikit ako nung dumapo sa pisngi ko ang mabigat niyang palad. Hindi pa natapos doon ang lahat dahil sinakal niya ako at inangat sa ere.

May mga lumapit ng kawal sa amin para pigilan siya pero lahat sila ay bigo. Nanatiling nakatitig ako sa mga nagbabagang mata ni Lord Reggar.

"You never failed to disappoint me," he stated. I think I had lost count of how many times he had already said that to me. "You always disappoint."

"You are blaming me, right?" I still managed to ask. "Iniisip mong kasalanan ko kung bakit isa lang sa dalawa mong anak ang nakaligtas sa pagsasanay sa Severus Kingdom. Ako ang nagturo sa kanila kung paano ang lumaban kaya no'ng bigong makalabas ang isa sa kanila, iniisip mo na nabigo rin kita."

Mas lalong humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa leeg ko. Sa sobrang higpit ay alam kong handa siyang baliin ang leeg ko sa mga sandaling ito.

Ilang sandali pa ay binitiwan niya ako. Saka siya lumabas ng kwarto. Mabilis naman na dinaluhan ako nina Lord Wenson at Lord Varnes.

"I will bring you to your room," ani Lord Wenson.

Hinawi ko ang pagkakahawak nila sa akin. Saka ako lumabas mag-isa. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta. I just want to go as far as away from here.

Dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa harapan ng puntod ni Celeste. Napaluhod ako nung biglang bumigay sa mga tuhod ko.

"C-Celeste..." I whispered her name for the first time in her grave. My lips quivered as I tried to trace the letters of her name. "I am trying..."

It felt like my chest was filled with tears that I tried hard not to shed. There was nothing in it but tears, an entire ocean of regrets.

"I'm trying to fulfill my promise to myself," I sobbed as I reached the lowest point I have ever been since she died on someone else's arms. "Pinangako ko sa sarili ko na kukunin ulit kita kapag natapos ang digmaan. Kapag naayos ko na ang sarili ko. Kapag napatunayan ko nang karapat-dapat ako sa posisyon na 'to para kung sakaling maging akin ka ulit, hindi mo mararanasan ang nararanasan ko ngayon. I know how much you have suffered just by staying with me. I wanted to get you again and give you the best life. I was planning to get you back after I fixed myself."

Napahiga sa harapan ng puntod niya habang hawak ang aking dibdib. Ramdam ko ang pagod, pagkabigo, at walang humpay na pagsisisi.

The reason why I was thriving so hard to be accepted and appreciated was to at least fulfill the only promise left for myself— to fix myself. Pero maging 'yon ay hirap akong gawin.

How could I fix myself when all I did was disappoint?

But even before she died, alam ko nang hindi ko na siya mababawi pa. She looked happier with Randolf that she had ever been with me. I was more than willing to stay away and give them peace. Kung sanang gano'n na nga lang ang nangyari.

I tried to play it cool. I tried to downplay her death by thinking she was just one of the disappointments I had committed. But I realized that she was my greatest loss.

Celeste will always be the greatest loss of my life.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakahiga roon at walang lakas na bumangon. Basta ang alam ko ay may araw pa kanina, hindi ngayon na madilim na.

I've never felt this vulnerable before. But I had to keep going. So I returned to Nightfall Clan. Pero imbes na pumasok sa kwarto ko ay natagpuan kong naglalakad ang mga paa ko sa madilim na lugar. Sa dami ng bakante at madilim na selda, may isang liwanag na nanggagaling sa pinakadulong selda.

There, I found Brienne playing with a ball of light. Nung mapansin niya ako ay agad niyang tinigilan ang paglalaro kaya dumilim ulit ang paligid.

"I was planning to visit you later," she said. Tumayo siya saka lumapit sa akin. "But good thing you are already here. I wonder why?"

I just stared at her.

"Gusto mo bang ituloy ang pag-uusap natin kagabi?" tanong niya nung hindi ako kumibo. "Pero gutom na ako. I need food first. I need steak and wine."

I stood still and stared at her.

I could see her eyes as they stared at me and weirded out of my strange behavior. Muli siyang naglabas ng liwanag sa kamay.

"Did you cry?" she asked. "Again?"

"Gusto mo bang lumaya?" tanong ko.

Natikom ang bibig niya. Siya naman ngayon ang hindi nakasagot sa akin.

Suminghap ako. "I will see you free. But you have to do me a favor."

"Kung tatanungin mo na naman ako tungkol sa Caligo Clan..." she shook her head. "Yes. I failed to deceive you, but you won't get any information from me."

"That's not what I want."

"Then... what?"

"Can you connect me to her?"

Her lips slightly parted.

"Can you link me to Celeste?"