KAYSEN*

Once I’m in my car, I drive off, intending to go straight to Kristine’s to retrieve Cora. However, as my mind wanders, I end up driving around aimlessly for thirty minutes. I find it difficult to comprehend the fact that I’m pregnant.

Also, Tanner suddenly reappears after being absent for two months without a single word from him. It feels as though the universe is conspiring to bring us together. It’s been this way since the first time we met. Not even Michael made me feel what I feel for Tanner, and after everything he has done, I shouldn’t feel this strongly for him. But I want so badly for us to be together. I never wanted him to leave me in the first place, but he did.

I don’t know what the hell is going on and why my birth control flaked out on me at the worst possible time. I’m utterly confused. Not only am I pregnant, but I’m pregnant with twins. If Tanner flakes out on me again; what the hell I’m I going to do? In six-seven months, I’ll be a single mom to three children. Cora will be three and I’ll have two newborns. Tanner can flake out, but he’ll be paying child support; that’s for damn sure. I just hope he doesn’t, though.

My cellphone chimes with my ‘don’t worry, be happy’ ringtone and I pull off to the side of the road, so I could answer. Once I’ve gripped my phone from my purse, I see that it’s Kristine. ‘Hi, Kristine. I know I’m late; I’m so sorry. Something came up, but I’m on my way.’

‘It’s alright, dear. Cora and I have been having a tea party, and I didn’t even realize what time it was until now. Are you alright, Kaysen?’

‘Yes, I’m fine; don’t worry. I had to get some things from the store and it took me longer than I thought it would.’ Glancing around, I see that I’m only maybe a ten-minute drive away. ‘Give me ten minutes and I’ll be there.’

I place my phone back into my purse and stare out the front windshield for a few minutes, taking in gulps of air to calm my nerves, before putting my vehicle into drive and taking off once again. This entire day has been insane. “You’ve got this, Kaysen,” I said to myself as I turned onto the street that Kristine lives on.

***

“Alright baby, can you climb down for mommie please? Mommie isn’t feeling well right now and I don’t think I can lift you like I normally would.”

“Yes, Mommie,” Cora says, as she climbs down from her car-seat after I have unfastened the surrounding straps. After she’s crawled down from the vehicle, she hugs my leg and looks up at me with concern. “Can I make you feel better, Mommie?”

“I’ll be alright baby,” I said, smiling down at her. “Just having you with me now makes me feel tons better. Let’s get inside. I’m sure Nanna is worried about us being gone for so long.” Cora clutches my hand as we make our way inside.

We walk through the door and as I expected, mom runs up, picks up Cora, then flings her arms around me. “I was worrying and was about to call Kristine. You’ve been gone for two hours.”

“I’m sorry, momma. It took me longer to get my medications, and I drove around for a while to clear my head before picking up Cora.”

“I can’t believe this is happening to my baby.” Mom’s breath hitches on the last word and she embraces me even tighter than before with her free arm that doesn’t have Cora clutched to her. It makes me feel bad for lying, but I have got to go about me being pregnant lightly. She’s never going to understand and I don’t have it in me to tell her the truth yet.

“Come to the kitchen and sit down. Dinner is almost ready. I’ve been doing research on holistic ways of curing cancer, so you won’t need to undergo the chemo and surgeries your aunt and grandmother had to go through. We’ll get through this together, and through lots of prayer warriors, you will be just fine,” mom says, walking towards the kitchen and I follow nibbling my bottom lip; this is going to be so bad when she finds out the truth.

***

After eating dinner, my mom wouldn’t allow me to help her clear the table and put dishes in the dishwasher. Dad retrieved Cora from her highchair and took her out to the living room to watch cartoons, and mom insisted I stay seated so she could talk to me about her research on holistic options for curing cancer.

“Momma, you shouldn’t worry so much. We don’t even know if I have cancer or anything yet. It’ll be a week before the results come in. I don’t feel sick and have had none of the issues that Aunt Mora had before she found out she had cervical cancer. It has to be something else.”

“I hope you’re right, baby. But it doesn’t hurt to do research anyway, just to be on the safe side. I will not allow you to go through countless surgeries and chemo like my sister did. She was so sick towards the end, and after everything the doctors did, she still died,” mom said, sitting next to me, clutching my hand, and shaking her head in sadness as tears started streaming down her cheeks.

“Momma, please don’t cry. I’m going to be fine, I promise.”

Mom throws her arms around me, and we continue to talk. The more the conversation continues, the worse I feel about not telling her the truth. But I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around the truth, let alone telling her what’s actually going on with me.

After a few more minutes of talking, mom gets up and tells me to go straight to bed. “Don’t worry about Cora. I’ll prepare her and put her down to sleep tonight. I want you to rest as much as possible. My sister was in horrible pain after having that procedure done, so I know you need your rest.”

“Thank you, momma.”

“I love you, sweetheart,” she says, hugging me and walking away.

***

Once in bed, my mind runs a mile a minute with so many thoughts; all that has happened the last three years, leading up to the present. I’ve endured so much loss and heartache, but I have Cora, and our lives have been amazing for the last two years. Our worlds are about to come crashing down, though. My mother is going to kill me. There is no doubt about it. Okay, she might not kill me, but her wrath is going to make me want to die. She’s so high-strung, overly religious, and judgemental.

I know I should have told Tanner that I’m pregnant, but I couldn’t find the words. How do you say to a man who doesn’t want kids I’m pregnant? Plus, if he runs away again, I’m okay with raising these babies all on my own. I have my parents, so I wouldn’t be entirely alone. How long would I be able to hide the fact that I’m pregnant, though? My parents will figure it out within two weeks, especially with Tanner in the mix. I need to tell him, though; I know that. Either way, if he leaves again or whatever he deserves to know. 

I was lying in bed thinking about Tanner when my ‘don’t worry be happy’ ringtone went off. I had a feeling it was Tanner, so I answered.

“Hello,” I said and propped my pillow up.

“Kaysen, it’s me, Tanner. I know you’re in bed already, most likely, but I would like to see you. Can I come over?” 

“Yes, I have something important I need to tell you. Is this your cell number?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Ok, I’ll text you my address; text me when you get here, and I’ll sneak you in.” 

“I’ll see you in a few Kaysen,” Tanner said and hung up. Then I texted my address to Tanner. 

I’m glad my dad had talked me into staying here for a while longer. It was in my plans to move out after I finished my night shifts at the strip club. But I had stayed here with my parents a while longer. It means that sex is out of the question. Tanner does things to me that make me want to pounce on him, even though I’m upset with him; and we should not indulge in having any more sex for a long time.

***

Tanner just texted that he was here, so I make my way through the house. Quietly, I make my way out of the back door and make my way to the side gate and open it for him. He clutches my hand and we walk through the backyard and I let him in through the back door. I hope none of the neighbors saw him coming through our side gate; that would be a hard one to explain.

We made our way quietly back to my room. Tanner looked around, surprised to see all the red, blue, black, and silver.

“I like Texas Tech University colors, and I’m addicted to blue and silver,” I said as Tanner and I sat on the bed.

“You keep on surprising me, Kaysen,” Tanner said as he put a hand through my long black hair.

I couldn’t hold the news in any longer, so I blurted it out as quietly and fast as possible.

“Tanner, you’re going to be a father; I’m pregnant with twins.”