Warning: Please note that this chapter contains a scene of self-harm. It also depicts a woman suffering a manic bipolar nervous breakdown. This may be a trigger to someone who suffers from manic bipolar mental disorder. It could also be a trigger for someone who has dealt with inflicted self harm, or may have suicidal thoughts. Please take caution as you read and read at your own risk.

TANNER*

Jace and I huddled together as mom, and dad yelled at each other downstairs. To drown out the noise, I turned the television up louder. We had only gone to bed a short while ago, but the sound of our mom’s screams had woken Jace, prompting him to run to my room. As I looked closer, I noticed that his security blanket was nowhere to be found. He always tightly clutched it in his hands, as if it were an extension of himself. “It’s okay, buddy. Don’t worry, everything will be alright. Where is your teddy bear and blanket?”

Wiping away his tears, Jace pointed towards my closed door. “I dropped my teddy bear and boppy on the floor. Can you get them for me, Tanner? I’m too scared.”

“Yes, wait here. I will get them for you.” I made my way to his room and found his teddy and blanket on the floor between our rooms. Plucking them up from the ground, I then ran back to my room, fearing that our parents may hear me.

“I never wanted children, Jason! You made me do it! Now I feel pressured into having another baby with you! Why won’t you leave me alone? Go find a whore to have a baby with! I couldn't care less if you cheated, if it meant you wouldn’t come near me, ever again!”

Mom’s screams echoed upstairs as if she were in the next room and Jace clung to me tighter than before as he whimpered and fresh tears fell from his eyes. Being the oldest and feeling like I needed to protect my baby brother, I did my best to hold my fear and sadness inside. I had to be strong for both of us. But with each word mom says, it becomes harder not to join Jace and let the tears collecting in my eyes to flow.

“You stopped taking your lithium again, haven’t you, Chloe? I’ve said nothing about having anymore children! I’m taking you to the hospital! Stop screaming, or you’ll wake the boys! You’re going to hurt yourself, sweetheart!” dad yelled, then I heard a glass shattering against the tiled floor in the kitchen.

“Of course you want to send me away! Why? Because I don’t want a baby, and I’m voicing my opinion on the matter? I’ll take the boys to the zoo tomorrow, and then I’m leaving! I never wanted to be a mom! Having babies did this to me, made me manic bipolar! I told you I wouldn’t be able to handle it! You made me! I can’t do it, Jason! All you do is work! You are never here to help me! Jace and Tanner drive me nuts!” 

“Chloe, I’ve called an ambulance! Calm down! Don’t do anything crazy before they get here! Put the glass down! I’ll get you the help you need!” 

I heard more glass shattering to the ground, and then I heard someone running up the stairs. Dad burst through the door a moment later. “Come on, boys, your Aunt Diana has arrived, and you will stay with Blaze for a few days. I’ll bring some clothes over tomorrow. Come quick.” He scoops Jace into his arms, puts his arm around me, and we make our way toward the stairs.

“Dad, is momma ok?”

“No, Tanner, your mom is not alright. She’s very sick. An ambulance is on the way, so she can get better.” We descended the stairs and the need to check on her overwhelms me.

“Tanner, no! Don’t go in there,” dad yelled, but it was too late.

I ran to the kitchen, where I knew mom must be, and when I flung open the door, I looked to see that she had a shard of glass on her wrist.

“Momma?” I whimpered. 

“Get out! Leave me the hell alone! Why can’t you get the hell out of my life?” mom screams, then slices her wrist open in front of me. Blood spurting to the floor.

***

As I lay in my slumber, Mae’s voice penetrated my subconscious. “Tanner, wake up! You’re having another nightmare,” she cried out. I jolted awake, drenched in a clammy sweat, with tears cascading down my cheeks.

“Tanner, dear, I thought you said you were going to see your therapist? You told me you would when you started having the dreams a few months ago. It doesn’t seem like that person is helping you at all. Maybe you should start seeing someone else?” Mae asked as she hugged me tightly and then wiped the tears from my face.

“It was on my list. But I haven’t found the time. We’ve had too much going on at work. And I’d rather spend what little spare time I have with you.”

Mae buries her head in my chest, and I embrace her to bring her closer to me. “Tanner, seeing a therapist is what’s most important right now. I want you to promise me you will make an appointment next week. You can’t keep on like this.”

“I will, I promise. For now, let’s get back to sleep.”

As she retreats, laying down and rolling over, I spoon her from behind, combing my fingers through her thick, silky dark tresses. It had been three months since my nightmares resurfaced, catching me off guard after thinking they were gone for good. I had believed that having Mae in my life had saved me from them. However, now I’m not so sure.

Just three months ago, as my nightmares returned, I had thought I had found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Mae had been persistent in asking me to marry her for over a year, and then she proposed to me. But it was around that time that the nightmares regained their strength and intensity. My focus shifted, and I began questioning my belief in marriage and having children, which Mae had been pushing me to consider.

In my dream, I found myself transported back to the past when I was just nine years old. It was a time before my mom had been absent for a couple of months. But then reappeared in mine and my brother Jace’s lives as a changed person. She experienced a complete transformation and became a new woman filled with love. She took us to the park, tucked us in at night, and fulfilled all the responsibilities that a mother should. However, after two months, she plunked us off at Blaze’s house and vanished without a trace. Since I was eight years old, the memories of our mother’s countless paranoid delusions had haunted me, while Jace remained protected from them. These experiences have caused me to suffer from horrific nightmares.

When Bailey entered my life in seventh grade, the nightmares ceased. I gave Bailey my all and showered her with love and attention throughout the years. Alongside my cousins Blaze, Connor, and Wade, who were all the same age, Bailey became my closest companion. She integrated into our group, joining us on every adventure. From junior high to high school, and even after three years of college, Bailey and I were inseparable.

Just when I mustered the courage to propose to Bailey, she dropped a bombshell - she was pregnant, but the baby was not mine. Despite the shock, I found it in my heart to forgive Bailey and pleaded with her to stay by my side. I vowed to raise the child as my own, hoping to salvage our relationship. However, in the end, Bailey made the tough decision to leave me and marry the other man. Today, they are married and blessed with five children.

The nightmares came back after that until Mae walked into my life. But once Mae started talking about marriage and having babies, that had done me in. I don’t believe in marriage anymore, and after my mom left me, and then Bailey left me. Marriage and babies were something I could not and would never have.

***

Mae and I have just arrived at Blaze and Lyra’s home. Earlier, Vega and Lyra had asked us to babysit my niece and nephews so that they could have a much-needed date night with Jace and Blaze. It’s worth mentioning that both Vega and Lyra are eight months pregnant and look like they could pop at any moment. As soon as we walked in, we witnessed the chaos unfold. Blaze and Jace were running around like madmen, desperately trying to catch baby Jonah. To add to the madness, Adelaide, Christopher, and Nickolas were running figure eights around Jace and Blaze, making the situation even more challenging.

“Well, isn’t this quite a sight?” I said, chuckling. Mae and I had let ourselves in, so no one had seen us arrive.

Adelaide, Christopher, and Nickolas halted abruptly and rushed towards me. I kneeled down and embraced each one of them. Meanwhile, Jonah had darted towards Mae, who swiftly scooped him up, showering his chubby cheeks with affectionate nuzzles. My love for my niece and nephews knows no bounds. However, I have no desire to have children of my own. Our loving family will soon welcome two more nieces. Embracing the role of an uncle is pure bliss; it carries a distinct contrast to being a father. The thought of becoming a father is inconceivable to me; it is something I will not allow. I would rather undergo a sterilization procedure than risk impregnating someone.

As Lyra started playing Finding Nemo on the flat screen, Nickolas, Adelaide, and Christopher scurried over to the mat on the floor. Vega emerged from the kitchen, providing each of them with a baggie of cheesy puffs and sippy cups brimming with juice. Mae settled herself in the rocking chair, cradling Jonah, while I joined the others on the floor.

“They have all eaten and should be ready for bed around eight. We should be back around nine,” Blaze said, grabbing Lyra’s hand, and they left with Vega and Jace following closely behind them.

Believe it or not, all the kids sat through Finding Nemo, which was quite a rarity. Usually, Mae and I had kids running around everywhere, but tonight was different. After the movie ended around seven, Mae and I took all the toddlers to the playroom. By eight, everyone was yawning, and the playroom looked like a Texas Tornado had gone through it.

“Alright, kiddos, let’s clean up, and then we need to get everyone ready for bed,” I announced, and Mae and I started helping my niece and nephews pick up the room. While Mae changed diapers, I assisted the kids in getting dressed for bed. Later, we guided them by brushing their teeth, and one by one, I tucked them all into bed.

After tucking Nicholas, Adelaide, and Christopher in, I found Mae in the living room rocking baby Jonah, who had recently turned one. As I joined them, I couldn’t help but think Mae would make a wonderful mother someday. However, I knew deep down that it wouldn’t be with me. The time had come to let her go, even though I loved her too much to go through with it. The thought of being without her was unbearable, but Mae deserved a man who could fulfill all her desires, and that man was not me. As the days pass, it becomes clear that she would be the one leaving me, just as my mom and Bailey had done. 

***Two Days Later***

Mae sat down next to me on the couch, turning off the flat screen. It was clear what she wanted to talk about, something we always went through after being around my niece and nephews. “Tanner, we need to talk,” she said, her voice filled with concern. 

Pretending to be clueless, I asked, “What’s up, babe?” I knew what she was going to say, but I found it surprising that she had waited this long to bring it up.

She looked at me, tears streaming down her face. Her words trembled as she spoke. “I understand you don’t want to get married, but I can’t comprehend why you don’t want to have a baby with me. We’ve been together for three years, Tanner, and we still don’t even live together. Are you ever going to commit to me?” It broke my heart to see her like this, knowing she deserved so much more than what I could give her.

I knew it was time to let her go, even though I had hoped for more time with her. Tears welled up in my own eyes as I uttered my last words to her. “I’m sorry, Mae. You deserve someone who can fulfill all your heart’s desires. I can’t be that person, which is why I’m letting you go. I’ll come by later to get my things from your place.” With those words, I stood up, grabbed my keys, and ran out the door.