Trigger Warning : Mention of Suicide

Aashvi's POV

I had a dream last night. I was basking in the sun by an isolated beach. I was naked and far away from the world. I felt safe despite being out in the open. It was as if I almost didn't care if anyone was watching me. I wasn't wearing any makeup. Not even my favourite concealer. It felt so raw, and so real that I woke up crying tears of joy. That feeling of liberation...

And then I really woke up from that dream. I came back to my world and cried again - this time tears of numbing sadness. I was tired already. I didn't have any energy left in me to go about my day.

My therapist says I'm romanticising my mental distress. That I've grown fond of living in a dark space and that I don't think I need to detach myself from it.

I disagree.

I feel I am trapped. I don't think I can ever escape this headspace. I don't think I'll ever stop feeling sad.

Yes, I have an amazing career - a career that's so ironically different from my real life that I feel I'm an imposter. I am a liar. A really good one. And I think the world is smart enough to uncover my facade soon.

What would I do then?

"Aashvi..."

Would I disappear?

"Aashvi?!"

Would I hide from the world for the rest of my life?

"Aashvi!!!" Someone yanked me out of the bottom of my bathtub and a sharp breath tore through my lungs, as if I had been drowning for far too long.

"What were you doing?! Are you crazy? Have you lost it?!" Sitara's voice echoed in my ears as my chest heaved, my heart pounding in my ears and I gasped, desperate to fill my lungs with air.

I turned to look at her but all I could see was a hazy familiar face. The water still clung to my skin, cold and heavy, but it was the rush of oxygen that overwhelmed me - the sudden jarring relief that made everything feel like too much, too fast.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?!" She jolted me back to my senses as I registered her face and voice.

"I...I don't...no...I wasn't..." I could barely respond.

But no, I wasn't trying to kill myself. Water calms me down. I had only submerged myself for a few seconds and I just didn't realise I was drowning for that long.

She helped me stand up and put a towel around my body.

"Are you going to be okay?" She asked.

"Hmm..." I barely replied as I planted my foot on the bathmat.

"I'll wait outside. Change and come, we need to talk," she calmly said.

When Sitara says she needs to talk, it's real. She means it.

I nodded and she left, shutting the door behind her.

I sat at the edge of the tub and took a deep breath.

Seriously, what did just happen?
Was I subconsciously trying to end myself?
If so, am I really that hopeless now? That far from the silver lining that I can't be saved?

I changed into my night dress, a simple button down shirt paired with shorts, dried my hair and applied some moisturiser. I purposely avoided my reflection in the mirror because I knew I'll spiral further down if I saw how I looked.

When I entered my room, I saw Sitara pacing the room. She quickly noticed my presence and darted her gaze towards me.

"Did I just watch you try to take your life?"
She enquired, fuming.

"No, why would you think that?" I countered, hoping to defend myself. But really, I was just trying to hold back a painful lump forming in my throat.

"You think I'm an idiot? A stupid fool driving at a deathly speed because I got this message from your stupid ass half an hour ago?" She flashed her phone screen in front of me.

I extended my hand to take the phone to read the message when she took it back and started reading it aloud.

Aashvi : Hey, Sitara. I just... I'm so sorry. I know I've been a mess lately, and I've let you down in so many ways. The manuscript, my promises, everything. You believed in me when I didn't deserve it, and I couldn't even give you that one thing in return. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm breaking into pieces, and I can't put myself back together. You've been my rock, my constant, and I don't think I've ever told you how much that means to me. I just needed to tell you. I'm sorry.

"Now what the fuck was I supposed to make out of this message? Do you really think your fucking manuscript matters even one bit to me? That stupid book deal is bigger than you?" I just stood there, trying to hold back the tears pooling at the brink of my eyes.

"I've failed as a friend if you have to say sorry and thank you to me. I feel like shit that I didn't know what was going on in your life," Tears rolled down my eyes as I realised she actually was scared and rushed to check on me.

"I called you so many times, you just didn't answer. I lost it," she continued as she watched me break down in front of her.

She held my hand and sat me down on the bed. She took a seat beside me and held me by my arm.

"You can talk to me Aashvi. I'm here for you. I'm all ears," she offered.

I was so tempted to take that offer and pour my heart out but I couldn't.

I couldn't tell her anything about my life. Few years back, I had a best friend whom I considered my ride or die. I shared everything with her - my truths, my lies, my highs and lows, my wins and my losses - and in turn, she didn't just betray me, she made me lose faith in friendships. I vowed to never tell any of my weaknesses to anyone ever again. I promised to never put so much trust in someone that the death of that relationship crushes me in the worst possible way.

I know Sitara won't betray me - but what if?

Everything felt too loud and too quiet all at once—the sound of my own crying, the suffocating silence of the room, the weight of Sitara's concern pressing down on me.

And then, the door burst open.

The sound of it slamming against the wall startled me, and I froze, my breath catching mid-sob. I looked up, and there he was—Agastya, my husband, standing in the doorway, his chest heaving like he'd run the entire way here. His hair was a mess, his shirt half-untucked, and his eyes—oh, his eyes—burned with a mix of fear and something else I couldn't place.

"Aashvi," he said, his voice raw, breaking on my name as if it hurt to speak it. He didn't move for a moment, just stood there, staring at me like I was slipping through his fingers.

I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out. Tears blurred my vision again, and before I knew it, he was on his knees in front of me, his hands reaching out but stopping just short of touching me.

"What were you thinking?" he whispered, his voice trembling, his jaw tight like he was holding back tears of his own.

Did I write a text to him as well?

"I'm sorry Aashvi, I had to call him. I didn't know what to do," she clarified.

I tried to take back the control. He cannot see me ugly cry like this. He cannot watch me go through this disastrous mental breakdown. I need to stop losing my shit right now.

And so I forced myself to stop sobbing and compose myself.

"I'll take a leave," she patted on my shoulder and stood up. "Please take care of yourself, I'll call you later,"

Just as she left the room, shutting the door behind her, Agastya sat next to me and hesitantly pulled me to face him.

"What happened? Tell me,"

I couldn't answer. All I could do was burst into tears again...harder.

This is not how our relationship is on paper and in real life. Agastya and I are only married to benefit from each other. It is a pure transactional marriage. We are not supposed to give a flying fuck about each other. And yet I started to feel things for him. I called myself delusional, pathetic and stupid for feeling that way but I just couldn't help it.

It all started seven months ago. If only I could go back in time, I'd take that flight to Thailand and probably never cross paths with him in this lifetime.

_____________________________

Author's Note

Hey there, readers!

So... I finally did it. Tangled Love : Letters to My Future Husband is here, and I can't wait for you to dive into Aashvi and Agastya's story. Writing this has been an emotional rollercoaster (in the best way possible), and I'm hoping it'll give you all the feels too.

This is a story about love, heartbreak, healing, and all the little things in between. I'd love to know what you think, so don't hold back—drop your thoughts, theories, or even random reactions in the comments. They mean everything to me.

If you wish to get exclusive sneak peaks into the book, chapter glimpses and some extra content - don't forget to follow me on Instagram!

Thanks for giving this story a chance. Let's make this journey unforgettable!

Much love,
Aditti