But this isn't the death I wanted.

I lost my voice... literally. I was mute. Even if I wanted to speak all my thoughts and feelings, my mouth gave up on me.

Months after Troy left, I was diagnosed with PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and MDD or Major Depressive Disorder. My dream of becoming a psychologist was put on hold. My job as a college professor was stripped away from me... because I'm incapable. I can't teach students when my breakdowns are frequent. I can't teach students when I can't formulate any word. My apartment was also taken away from me because I can't pay my rent.

Where am I? I'm stuck in this room without anything but plain white walls and ceiling. The single bed with white bed sheets and pillow cases looked lonely... like me.

I'm at the National Center for Mental Health in Mandaluyong... but I didn't come here as a psychologist. I am here as a patient.

"Chin, kain ka muna."

Napatingin ako sa tumawag sa akin. I saw Dr. Orilla holding a plate filled with food.

Lumapit siya sa akin at inilapag sa mesa ang pinggan bago ako tinabihan. Umupo siya sa kama at pinanood namin mula sa bintana ang ibang pasyente na nasa garden.

"Gusto mong lumabas?" she asked softly. "Igagala kita?"

I shook my head and pulled the bed sheet beneath me. It all came back to me. After he leaves my apartment, I waited for him to come back... but he didn't.

The following days, Ate Myrna visited me and she found me, almost dead, barely breathing. Isinugod niya ulit ako sa hospital.

When I recovered, she told me that Luke was now being convicted of sexual harassment and attempted murder. Inasikaso niya ang lahat para sa akin. Hindi na ako nangealam. Ayoko na siyang makita.

They just asked me about some statements but because of my condition, I wasn't able to give it. I was frustrated! Gusto kong sabihin lahat ng sama ng loob ko.

Kaya hindi ko maintindihan... hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi bumalik sa akin si Troy.

I went to their house for weeks. Tinatanaw lang kung nandoon ba siya. Pero kahit isang beses, hindi ko siya nakita, kahit ang anino niya. I texted my friends. Si Anne, Mich, Vina, mga kaibigan ko noong highschool at ilang kaklase noong college. I texted them because I feel so alone.

But all of them have their own lives now. Vina is the closest to me but she's busy studying medicine. Wala rin siya sa Isabela o Mandaluyong... at ayoko naman siyang guluhin. It's her dream. She worked hard for that. I shouldn't bother her.

I was alone... in my darkest days. I had suicide attempts. But everytime I try to kill myself, may kumukulbit sa puso ko dahil baka bumalik siya. Baka balikan ako ni Troy.

That's when I realized that even after everything, he's still my home... even if he refuses to hold the key.

Naramdaman ko ang banayad na paghaplos ni Dr. Orilla sa buhok ko.

"Take your meds, hmm? We can get through this, Chin. You are not alone in this battle."

I want to thank her but all I can do for now is to give her a smile and an unsure nod.

I'm currently under cognitive behavior therapy to minimize the recurrence of my attacks and nightmares. I also undergo speech therapy to at least find my voice. Marami rin akong iniinom na gamot.

But I know better. These tablets will never be enough to cure someone who doesn't have the willpower to be cured. It's all on me. I have to help myself. Maybe someday but... not now.

Nang lumabas ng pinto si doc, natulala ulit ako sa labas ng bintana.

Hindi ko na nasundan kung ilang araw o buwan akong nasa loob ng hospital. Nasaulo ko na ang routine ng pagdalaw sa akin ni Ate Myrna. Tuwing Sabado ay pinupuntahan niya ako at kinukwentuhan tungkol sa mga nangyayari sa kanya at sa mga plano niya pagkalabas ko rito.

"I will take you to Laguna. We'll start a new life there. Wala namang bago roon dahil probinsya rin naman 'yon. Kaya magpagaling ka, ha?" she uttered.

She has no family aside from her husband, Kuya Marwin. Wala silang anak. Even after 25 years of marriage. She had a baby once but like me, she lost it. She also had a miscarriage. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako sisimutin kung wala ang tulong niya. I badly need someone now. Not only for my mental support but also for my basic needs. After all, she's the one who pays my bills.

'Yung akala ko sobrang sama na ng mundo... pero may mabuti pa rin pala kasi may handang tumulong sa akin.

"Chin!" iyak ni Vina nang makita akong naka-hospital gown. Mahigpit niya akong niyakap habang humihikbi. Parang dudurugin niya ako.

Sa tagal ng pagkakaibigan namin ni Vina, ngayon ko lang siya nakitang umiyak.

"N-nandito ako..." wika niya habang patuloy ang pag-iyak. "S-sorry, Chin! Sorry! Sorry!" paulit-ulit niya pang saad.

Nag-init ang sulok ng dalawang mata ko.

Dahan-dahan kong iniikot ang dalawa kong kamay sa kanya at hinaplos ang buhok niya. She's crying like a baby. Alam kong galing pa siya sa school dahil naka-uniform pa siya. Ayun ang una niyang pagbisita sa akin. She's aware of my condition but as usual, she never let me feel like I needed a special treatment.

Dalawang buwan siyang walang pasok dahil summer break nila kaya noong umuwi siya sa Isabela ay ako agad ang hanap niya. Nang malamang nasa Mandaluyong ako, muli siyang bumyahe para puntahan ako.

Hindi naman lingid sa kaalaman ng iba na nasa mental hospital ako. Hindi sikreto 'yon pero hindi rin naman bunyag.

"Girl, badtrip sa prof namin, tangina, na-move nang na-move 'yung sched namin tapos nung final exam, naipon ang kailangan naming aralin!" kwento niya habang pinagtatalop ako ng mansanas.

Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. Ayun lang ang kaya kong gawin ngayon. Makinig.

"Tapos, grabe! Ipinahiya ako sa klase! Nando'n ang crush ko!" she said dramatically.

Ganoon ang nangyari buong summer break niya. She spent it with me. She's the one who holds me in place when I'm having a panic attack. Siya rin ang sumasama sa akin sa mga therapy sessions ko kapag wala si Ate Myrna.

After almost a year of being inside that room, I've realized a lot of things. I've come to embrace my new self. I learned sign language because I somehow want to communicate with them. I'm improving. My episodes lessen. I'm not fully healed yet but I'm getting okay.

Natatanggap ko na.

Trials after trials, Luke was found guilty. Hindi biro ang iniiyak ko nang malaman 'yon. Justice was served.

Vina was now on her internship kaya busy na siya at hindi ko na madalas makasama. Ako naman ay nakatira sa bahay nina Ate Myrna dito sa Isabela. Hindi na ako in-patient. Dumadalaw pa rin ako sa hospital pero hindi na para tumira pa roon.

Ate Myrna gave me an android phone. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit napakabuti niya sa akin. I feel like I don't deserve it. Pinatira niya ako nang walang anumang kapalit sa bahay nila ni Kuya Marwin... but I'm tired of being a baggage that's needed to be carried.

Ako ang naglilinis, naglalaba, namamlantsa at nagluluto sa bahay. The couple was happy that they're seeing me doing little work... kahit hindi naman na raw kailangan.

I opened my facebook account and there are tons of messages from my friends. Isa isa kong binuksan iyon at nagtipa ng reply. They're all checking on me!

Huminga ako nang malalim bago dahan-dahang itinipa ang pangalan ng isang taong miss na miss ko na.

Troy Jefferson Dela Paz

Nagtubig agad ang mata ko nang makita ang profile picture niya.

Hindi na ang larawan naming dalawa 'yon. Mag-isa na lang siya.

Behind him is the perfect landscape of a mountain in Switzerland. He also has some pictures with his biological mother.

Bumalik ang sigla ng mukha niya. Hindi na gaya noong huli ko siyang nakita.

"Ang layo mo na," I mouthed to myself, words just won't come out. Hinaplos ko ang larawan niya habang sunod-sunod ang pagtulo ng luha sa mata ko.

He said I should remember the fact that he regretted loving me.

I did. I remember it all the time. It's like a ghost haunting me even in my deep slumber.

I always check his social media accounts. Doon na lang ako nakikibalita. Marami siyang projects na inihahandle doon. He's very successful now. Pakiramdam ko, dininig ng Diyos ang panalangin ko. My Troy is finally happy.

Bumalik ako sa pagbabasa ng psychology books dahil gusto ko nang ituloy ang pangarap ko... hindi pa ngayon... pero sana.

Dahil gusto ko, pagbalik niya, maayos na ako. Pwede na ulit kami. Pagbalik niya, babawiin ko ulit siya.

"Chin, dito ka na mag-kwarto. Ilagay mo rito ang gamit mo. Bumaba ka pagkatapos para makakain na tayo," ani Ate Myrna.

Nginitian ko siya at iwinasiwas ko ang kamay ko para magpasalamat. She smiled at me before opening the door.

Mas malaki ang kwarto kong ito kaysa sa naging kwarto ko sa bahay namin noon. Mayaman naman kasi talaga sina Ate Myrna. She's a businesswoman habang ang asawa naman niya ay real estate broker.

Kung akala ko ay malaki na ang bahay nila sa Isabela, mas malaki at mas malawak pala rito sa Sta. Maria, Laguna. Sabi ni Ate ay ito raw ang dulo ng probinsya kaya hindi pa masyadong civilized ang lugar.

Habang inaayos ko ang gamit ko ay napapatulala ako.

Chin, you're really starting a new life... in a new place... with new people...

Unang taon, nahirapan akong mag-adjust. Hindi lang sa bagong environment kung hindi dahil sa bagong kasanayan bilang pipi. But then, I'll just hold onto a necklace, a pendant, and my heart will be at peace.

The following years, I met new friends. I also join the red cross team here. Hindi pa lang ulit ako nakakapag-aral para sa masters degree ko ng clinical psychology dahil ayoko namang pag-aralin pa ako ng mag-asawa.

Vina is a resident doctor now. Kapag may oras ay bumibisita pa rin siya sa akin. We never lost contact.

Me? I'm still mute. I'm still on medication... but I lived a wonderful life here.

I'm 27 now... my dreams aren't fulfilled yet but I regained myself. I rediscovered myself. I, once again, recovered from my trauma.

And if asked, after years of self-doubts, I can finally say, yes, I am proud of myself.