I woke up to Troy's calls and messages. Iisa lang naman ang laman non. Pinatay ko na lang ang cellphone ko dahil hindi nya ako titigilan hangga't hindi ako sumasagot.

I can't believe I shed a tear for him. I can't believe I came to like him in just a short period of time and he just fooled me. Marahil ay hindi ko kayang tanggapin na kaya nyang gawin 'yon. Ni wala syang text na aalis sya dahil ang huling text nya ay magre-review sya... hindi nya nga lang sinabi kung saan.

I mentally laughed as I felt a slight pinch in my heart. That's what you get for ignoring the red flags, Chin. Alam mo na ngang babaero, in-entertain mo pa. And now, you have to deal with it.

Lumabas ako ng kwarto kahit medyo mabigat pa ang mata. Naabutan ko si Papa sa mesa na nagbabasa ng bible kaya lumapit ako sa pwesto nya para mag-umagahan.

"Magandang umaga, Pa." I greeted him before getting a plate for myself.

I sit in front of him and get four pancakes. Kumuha rin ako ng dalawang hotdog at scrambled eggs. I'm feeling empty this morning so might as well fill myself with food.

Maya maya lang ay nakita kong pumasok si Mama sa kusina at agad na napatingin sa pinggan ko.

"Magtira ka sa huli, Chin," aniya sa akin.

"Hayaan mo sya. Marami naman akong niluto at tatatlo lang naman tayo rito."

Napatigil ako sa pagbabalik ng pagkain sa sinabi ni Papa. Padabog na umupo si Mama sa tabi nya at madiin ang tingin na iginawad sa akin.

"Bakit mugto ang mata mo?" she suddenly asked.

Nag-angat ng tingin sa akin si Papa kaya ilang beses akong kumurap. Ni hindi manlang kasi ako nakaharap sa salamin bago bumaba. I didn't know my eyes were puffy! Hindi naman ako sobrang umiyak kagabi.

"Puyat lang, Ma."

Inirapan nya ako kaya pinagpatuloy ko na lang ang pagkain. This must be good, right? Hindi ko pa masyadong kilala si Troy... mabuti na ring natapos agad para mabilis akong makabawi.

I gulped as I remember Iris' words last night. Bakit nga ba kasi gandang-ganda ako sa sarili ko? What made me think na seseryosohin nga ako ni Troy? Mahilig maglaro ang lalaki at marahil ay na-challenge lang ito sa akin dahil hindi ko sya gusto.

"Chin, okay ka lang ba?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Papa at mahinang tumango.

He narrowed his eyes on me, parang tinitingnan kung nagsasabi ako ng totoo o hindi. Nang walang makita sa mukha ko ay muli nyang ipinagpatuloy ang pagbabasa.

"Sembreak nyo na, diba?"

"Oo, Ma."

She crossed her arms and nodded. "Mag-general cleaning ka ngayon. Tapos sa Linggo ay sumama ka sa amin sa pagsimba para naman may nangyayari sa buhay mo."

Tinatamad na tumango na lang ako. I don't have the energy to answer all her remarks.

"Nakakausap mo pa ba ang Ate Heather mo, Chin?" tanong ni Papa matapos akong kumain.

I shook my head. We're not really close and I don't think I can approach her.

Mama snorted like a pig. "Of course, she doesn't. Wala naman pake 'yan sa kapatid nya."

"Bakit hindi mo kino-contact? Dalawa na nga lang kayo, hindi pa kayo magkasundo."

Uminom muna ako ng tubig bago sumagot ngunit naunahan na agad ako ni Mama.

"Paano naman magiging close 'yan? Kita mo naman kung sino ang may attitude problems sa kanila. Mabait pa nga si Heather at hindi nya sinasagot yan," she uttered in disgust.

My mother really knows how to create a feud between two people. She made me feel like an unwanted child and she announced it to the world in a cruel manner.

When Ate Heather celebrated her 18th birthday, she rented a huge event hall and invited almost all of her amigas. She introduced her to them as her unica hija... while I'm standing behind their back, listening to all the bullshit she's saying. I was only 14 that time and I haven't done anything wrong with them but from that day on, I've realized that she doesn't consider me as her daughter.

She constantly forgets my birthday... kaya hindi na ako nagulat nang mag-debut ako na walang kahit ano. I just ate with Mira and Vina using my own money. It's not really a big deal for me because I don't force my way in other people's lives... even if it's my own flesh and blood.

I mean, people will treat you the way they feel about you. Kung mahal ka nila, mararamdaman mo 'yon. Kung hindi, mas mararamdaman mo 'yon.

I stood up. "Sa kwarto muna ako, Pa, Ma. Mamaya na ako maglilinis pag-alis nyo."

I didn't wait for them to answer. Lumabas na agad ako ng kusina at dumiretso sa taas. Thankfully, tulog na sila nang makauwi ako kaya hindi ako naghapunan ng sermon. Medyo nakapagtataka lang na hindi yata nila alam na gabi na ako nakauwi kaya ngayon ay hindi nila ako ginigisa.

Sabagay, hindi siguro nila chineck kung nakauwi na ako o hindi.

I lay on my bed, tired. I closed my eyes and feel the soft mattress behind me. How can I be in a peaceful place but feel nothing but pain? This home should be a place of joy and comfort but why does it feel like I'm inside a prison cell, waiting for a sentence?

Maybe, in holistic dynamic theory, the hierarchy of needs by Abraham Maslow, I already attained the physiological and security needs... but not the love and belongingness.

How can I be in a family but not "in" a family?

I sighed and get my phone on the bedside table. Binuksan ko iyon at agad na nag-vibrate ito dahil sa sunod-sunod na text. I ignored it all. Kahit ang kina Mira at Vina. I'm not in my right mind to reply yet.

Binuksan ko rin ang twitter account ko. Pansin kong mas madalas na akong tumambay dito kumpara sa nauna kong account.

I rolled my eyes when I see tons of notifications from my followers. Iminention nila ako sa kung saan at kahit napapagod ang utak ko, tiningnan ko pa rin iyon.

Iris @rishubambase
Ily, TJ. Thank you for tonight.

May kasamang picture 'yon. She was resting her head on his shoulder. Kalahati lang ng mukha ni Troy ang kita pero halata mong sya iyon. Hindi ko alam kung saan sya nakatingin pero bahagya syang nakayuko.

Kumunot ang noo ko at napaupo sa kama sa nakita. It was taken yesterday at imine-mention ako ng mga tao! Sa inis ko ay hindi ko rin napigilang mag-tweet.

Achi @elorachin_
Please, leave me alone. I have nothing to do with their relationship. Let them be.

Ilang minuto lang ay marami na agad likes at retweets iyon. I didn't bother checking it. I said what I said. I was holding my phone when Troy's name appeared on my screen. He's calling again, nine in the morning.

I sighed. Masagot na nga. Wala namang mangyayari kung iignorahin ko. I need to clear my head too.

"Chin!" he uttered in disbelief.

Pinigilan ko ang sarili na mapairap. I constantly reminded myself that he's a jerk and he doesn't deserve to be forgiven... not that he's asking.

"Ano 'yon, Troy? Make it quick. Marami pa akong gagawin." I said in a casual manner.

He let out a sigh. "About last night, Chin..."

Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko. Please, don't defend yourself. I saw it right in front of my face. You don't have to make up an excuse.

"What's with it, Troy?"

"Can we talk?" he asked softly.

I bit my lower lip harshly and breathe heavily. "Aren't we talking?" I uttered. "Look, it's not really a big deal. Hindi naman tayo. Wala 'yon." I chuckled to make it more realistic.

He didn't answer. Tanging ang mahinang paghinga lang ang naririnig mula sa kabilang linya. Bawat segundo ay kinakabahan ako sa sasabihin nya. It would be better if he'll admit they're together. In that way, I could accept things better.

"C-Chin..." he said in a controlled voice. "Hindi kami ni Iris... I don't like her..."

I laughed sarcastically. "Tell it to the cows, Troy."

"No, Chin. P-pinsan ko si... Iris."

I was taken aback but it was shortlived. Binasa ko ang pang-ibabang labi at sumandal sa headboard ng kama ko.

"You will go that far to fool me? Really?" I asked in a low voice. "You don't flirt with your cousin, Troy. Hindi naman ako bobo."

"Of course. Of course not, Chin," sunod-sunod nyang saad. He sounded like he'll explain himself more but I spoke.

"Marami pa akong gagawin. Kung 'yan lang ang sasabihin mo, hindi 'yon importante sa akin. I don't like you in that way din naman... so this is better."

I dropped the call before he could utter another word.

Bullshit.

Instead of lying on my bed, overthinking, I get up and did my morning routine. Naligo ako at sinimulang ayusin ang kwarto ko.

While cleaning. I've noticed that some of my new clothes aren't on my closet. Kumunot ang noo ko bago bumaba sa sala. Mabuti at naroon pa si Mama dahil sigurado akong sya lang naman ang mangengealam ng gamit ko.

"Ma..." I called her in a calm way.

Nag-angat sya ng tingin. "Oh?"

"Nawawala ang tatlong bagong bili kong damit... saka 'yung dress na binili ko lang nung isang linggo."

She narrowed her eyes on me. "Are you accusing me, Chin? Anong pakealam ko sa gamit mo?"

I knew it. Of course, she would not admit it. Or maybe, na-misplace ko lang. It's just a piece of clothing... this shouldn't be a big issue.

"Hindi kaya naipapa-laundry mo?" I asked.

"Hindi!" she grunted.

"Okay... nagtatanong lang ako, Ma."

Inirapan nya lang ako kaya muli akong bumalik sa kwarto ko, medyo masama ang loob. Ilang beses ko pang binalikan ang damitan ko pero wala talaga roon... kahit 'yung dress lang sana na itim! Kabibili ko lang non para sa year-end party namin nina Vina sa December!

I spend the morning cleaning my room. Nung nakaalis si Mama ay sinubukan kong hanapin sa damitan nya pero wala talaga. I was sure my dress was in my closet! Wala naman ibang pumapasok dito!

Nakabusangot ako habang naglilinis ng bintana namin. Umalis na rin si Papa para pumunta sa simbahan kaya naiwan akong mag-isa. I cooked my lunch before resting on a couch. My body is covered with sweat ang the strands of my hair are all over my face.

While resting, I look at my phone and read Vina and Mira's texts.

Vina:

Wag mo nang kikitain yon, Chin. Masasapak kita. Gago ampota.

Mira:

Anong nangyari? Nakausap mo na ba?

Nireplyan ko lang ang dalawa bago muling kumain. I think I should clean our garage as well... or maybe plant some seeds? I don't know. I just can't afford staying in bed, letting my thoughts drown the shit out of me. This shouldn't affect me. Troy shouldn't affect me!

Chin, get a hold of yourself. A mini heartbreak can't turn you down. Come on, it's just a freaking guy!

I didn't know how I managed to stay at home for the next days. Wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi mag-advance reading, manood ng documentaries at maglinis. I argue with my mother a lot and I noticed how often she leaves our house. It's better, I guess.

Hindi ko na rin alam kung anong nangyari kay Iris at Troy pero base sa mga nabasa kong tweet ng babae, mukha namang madalas ang pagkikita nila... and somehow, I stayed unbothered. Hindi pa naman ganoon kalalim ang pinagsamahan namin ni Troy para maloka ako sa kanya.

But lies aside, it did hurt me... sa loob din ng halos tatlong buwan, wala akong ibang ginawa sa gabi kung hindi kausapin sya. He'll tell me stories about his friends and his academics. He somehow became a comfort friend to me... but that's just it. I can't trust him now. Hindi na rin naman nya ako itinext o tinawagan. He also changed his bio on twitter which confirms his supporters' doubts.

"Chin, bumaba ka na!" sigaw ni Mama mula sa baba.

Today is Sunday and obviously, I have no excuse not to attend the church service. Next week ang tuloy ng training namin sa red cross kaya lalong wala akong kawala.

I wore a simple maong skirt and fitted black top partnered with my white sandals. First Sunday of the month daw kaya malamang, bawal ang pants! Formal or semi-formal daw lagi kapag unang Linggo.

May pasok na bukas. That's my consolation price. One more day and I'm done.

When we arrived, people are greeting each other. Nagkakamayan, nagyayakapan at nagkukumustahan. Naunang umalis si Papa sa amin dahil may devotion pa raw sya kasama ang mga tutugtog.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes when I saw Mama walking down the aisle to lead the opening prayer.

Hypocrite.

"Hi, may youth fellowship kami mamaya. You should come," nakangiting saad sa akin ng isang babaeng halos kaedad ko lang din.

I bit my lower lip and slightly shook my head. Parusa na nga ang pagpunta rito at panonood kay Mama na mag-inarte roon na akala mo'y napakablessed nya tapos aattend pa ako ng fellowship? That's social suicide!

"Uh... maraming activities!" she insisted. "Sasabihan ko na rin si Tita Lucille."

Napatanga ako nang lumapit sya kay Mama para ipagpaalam ako. And of course! Of course, she agreed!

I inwardly groaned. What a tiring day.

Nakatulala lang ako sa unahan habang nagpi-preach si Papa nang nakarinig ako ng ingay sa likod. Pansin ko ang pa-sikretong tingin ng mga tao roon kaya ginaya ko ang ginawa nila.

I was surprised when I saw our campus director entering the church with her elegant white button-down polo and black slacks. Her hair is tied in a bun which makes her so intimidating!

To add more shock in my already trembling system, Troy also entered the church! And he's not alone! He's with Iris!

How tangled this day could get?!

Hanggang matapos ang service ay diretso lang ang tingin ko kay Papa na nagme-mensahe sa harap. Nang magtugtugan na ulit dahil tapos na, hindi agad ako tumayo dahil alam kong kailangang batiin lahat ng members... and I can't do that!

"Chin, tumayo ka! Batiin mo si Ma'am Victoria! Nakakahiya ka talaga kahit kailan!" mariing bulong sa akin ni Mama.

Umiling ako, kinakabahan dahil alam kong wala akong magagawa. I glanced at them and saw that Ma'am Victoria is right behind her son!

Hinila ako ni Mama patayo kaya napilitan akong sumama. Binati ko ang ibang kapatiran na nalampasan namin at bawat hakbang ko palapit sa pwesto nina Troy at Iris ay dinadaga ang puso ko. Why am I so nervous?! Sila itong nanggulo sa buhay ko!

"Ma'am Victoria, I'm pleased to see you again!" maligayang bati ni Mama sa ginang.

Nagbeso sila na parang matagal nang magkakilala at pinanatili ko ang mata sa kanila. I sported my normal face like I always should. This is what I need right now! Maraming nagsabi na mukha akong mahinhin at mahiyain pero sana, mukha akong mataray ngayon! I want to have a resting bitch face!

"Is she your daughter?" nahihiwagaang tanong ni Ma'am.

Tumingin sa akin si Mama at pinandilatan ako ng mata. Bahagya akong lumapit sa kanila at nginitian si Ma'am. I know that Troy and Iris are watching me but this is the least I could do.

"Good morning, Ma'am." I greeted casually.

Bahagya nya akong tinaasan ng kilay. Tiningnan nya rin ang kabuuan ko pero hindi ko ipinahalatang sobrang kinakabahan ako. When her eyes went up to my face, she gave me a small but insincere smile.

"Anak mo, Lucille?" she asked.

Mama chuckled nervously. "Unfortunately..."

"Oh," she glanced at me. "Sya ba 'yung sinasabi mong..."

"Yes... the not-so relevant one," bulong ni Mama na hindi naman nakatakas sa pandinig ko.

Nagtawanan silang dalawa na parang magandang biro ang sinabi ni Mama. Nag-iwas lang ako ng tingin at pinanood ang ilan na lumalabas na ng simbahan. I hope this ends. My mother is literally broadcasting her hate towards me.

I mentally laughed. What did I do for her to treat me like this?

Nahuli ni Troy ang tingin ko pero agad din akong napabaling kay Iris. She automatically grabbed him by the arm and the only thing I could do is to look away.

"Ate Chin, simula na po ang fellowship. Dalawang oras lang 'yon!"

She's like a life saver. Mabilis akong sumama sa kanya matapos magpaalam kina Mama at Ma'am Victoria dahil hindi ko na kayang tumagal pa roon.

Masamang-masama ang loob ko sa nangyari. From Troy and Iris to my mother's remarks... why is it so easy for them to do that? Bakit parang ang daling manakit?

They formed a large circle, para siguro kita lahat. Tumingin ang ilan sa akin at isa-isa silang ngumiti. I smiled back at them and sit in one of the vacant chairs.

Pero syempre, the heavens have a lot of things in store for me. Nakita kong pumasok din ang dalawa sa kwarto at umupo sa harap ko. Ramdam ko ang paglapat ng tingin sa akin ni Troy pero hindi ko sya pinansin.

The fellowship went on normally, I guess. Hindi ko rin ma-enjoy nang ayos lalo at masama ang tingin sa akin ni Iris dahil sa paninitig sa akin ng kalandian nya. Nang magkakainan na ay binalak ko nang umalis. I'm not hungry.

Tinawag ako ng ilan sa kanila pero nagpaalam na ako. Sana talaga ay hindi na maulit ito! My mind is so tired!

"Chin."

I hissed when Troy called me from behind. Lumingon ako sa kanya at napansing hindi nya kasama si Iris kaya ibinalik ko ang mga mata sa kanya.

I sighed. "What?"

He shook his head. "W-we aren't... together."

Ah, hindi pa rin pala sya tapos. He really thinks I'm some sort of an idiot.

I crossed my arms. "And I should care because...?"

Nakita ko ang paglunok nya. His face saddened that I have to remind myself that he's nothing but a liar! Ni hindi nga ito nagparamdam sa akin sa loob ng dalawang linggo! Tapos ngayong nakita nya ako, bigla syang magpapaliwanag?

"I've said this before, Troy, and I'm gonna say it again." I uttered with conviction.

I looked at him, eye to eye. "Hindi kita gusto... kaya wala akong pakealam."

After saying that, I walked out. You had my attention at first but thank heavens, you've shown your true colors before I could even fall for you.