Xander's POV:

Nico silently lead me back into the inside portion of the gardens, settling me down into a bench hidden amongst the brush.

He disappeared for about two seconds, returning with a glass of water that he handed to me as he sat beside me.

I took it from my hunched position, keeping my elbows on my knees while I worked on convincing the rest of my body to calm down now that the other part was.

Wiping my eyes with my thumb and forcing slow, deep breaths.

"You're one of the few vampires I know who has these kinds of fights with themselves outside of the bloodmoon," He casually began.

I took small drinks of the cold beverage, savoring the feeling of it over my burning throat, but still feeling cautious enough not to just chug it.

I knew that these kinds of instances weren't very common.

Some vampires aren't even completely aware of the difference between their thoughts and the urges of their vampirism.

Then even for the ones that did, even then, they didn't care beyond just having the knowledge.

I never understood how anyone just acts on any urge they find themselves having, and feels good about it afterward.

It was the reason vampires had such a bad reputation when I knew we had the potential to be better.

But I knew even then that Nico wasn't like that either.

He was raised with the same knowledge I was when it came to these things, and yet I rarely if ever noticed any problems arising from him when it came down to things like this.

If anything, he worked with it in such a way that made it look like it was as simple as breathing.

"How do you work with yours so easily?" The croak nearly came out as a whimper.

"Because I don't withhold the needs I have as a vampire. It doesn't take much to keep that part of us happy. Keep it fed, keep it rested. Sustain it with the things it's deemed as priorities."

Right. That was the problem.

And the thing is, it's never been this much of a problem for me until over two years ago.

Before then I felt like I had this just about as under control as he always did.

My brows pinched together, focusing on the ice in my glass.

"But even then... you still have disagreements with it right? And you just seem so unphased."

He's described it to me in basic terms before. How he works with it whenever the instinct sparks up. How he can get it to hold off without leading to an internal attack.

I turned my head just intine to see him let out a thoughtful sigh, raising his elbows up onto the backrest.

"It's different for everyone, Xan. For me, I trust myself to get things done, and to get it done in a way that I know will give me the results that I want. It's that confidence that keeps the instinct from getting too involved on the rare occasion that things get out of hand. If you lack confidence," He paused for a short second, "If you don't trust yourself to accomplish certain things in the same way, then of course that part of you is going to be antsy. If you don't trust yourself to do the right things, then neither will your instincts."

My lips pressed together hard, his words mixing with my previous thoughts and bringing to light something more clear than ever.

It was something that I didn't like thinking about. Either because I didn't like thinking back on it, or it just wasn't something that I wanted to admit to myself.

Layla had broken me.

She'd torn my self-worth- my self-image into nothing with the way she made me change everything for her.

Had me hating everything about myself because she wouldn't give me the time of day I needed from her.

Then hearing her admit to me that she knew my vampiric greed had chosen her, and she chose not to sever it, and instead drag me along to do her bidding years after.

Using me like I was nothing but a prop in her game.

It felt like separating myself from her was like finally escaping from a shredder, and I'd yet to recollect everything that I was before all of that happened.

There were pieces I knew that I'd never find again.

Even with the pieces I could find, the recovery was a slow process because I wanted to rebuild Doe first.

I had that confidence once, that control.

And I'd find it again in short bursts when I was with Nico or Doe.

It'd stay longer when I was with Doe...

Nico continued.

"I've had... slip-ups, everyone has, but I've never had one that's gotten me anywhere close to what I just saw from you. What are you keeping from yourself?"

"I wasn't keeping anything from it," I so obviously lied, "It was just a disagreement."

He called my stupidity immediately.

"That wasn't just a simple disagreement, Xander. That was denial. And it was denial of something vital."

I nearly winced at the cold hard truth, trying to work out some way in my mind to convey this without full-on admitting that I'd fallen inescapably in love with Doe.

Even if he might be in the same boat as me...

I gave a quick glance down at the bag peeking out of his jacket, the color and font of the letters I could see being that of a very expensive and highly valued jeweler.

Right after mention of her birthday.

I looked back to meet his eyes.

No... Not yet.

I didn't think his reaction to it would be bad even if I was just being hopeful with the Khloe idea but...

If I was going to say it out loud to anyone, Doe deserved to be the first.

"It's just... guilt," I spoke, holding tighter to my glass.

"Guilt?" Nico repeated, looking confused before understanding appeared in an instant.

Followed by a pity I'd rarely ever seen come across his features.

"So... Does it have to do with Doe?" He sounded almost cautious now as he approached this, treading lightly around the subject.

The mention of her name caused a trembling in my lower lip that I had to stop by biting the skin behind it.

But still, I nodded.

"Ever since I settled things with Layla she's... She's become one of the closest friends I've ever had. She makes me happy, a-and I feel like the biggest asshole ever for letting myself feel that way around her after everything I put her through."

He was quiet for a full minute.

I don't think this was what he was expecting my reasoning to be.

I was almost hopeful that he would agree with me. That he'd understand my reasoning and maybe help convey that to the savagery that'd already started turning again.

"Is she happy?" He asked.

I found his approach strange but answered anyway.

"Yes," I couldn't deny that if I tried. I don't think I've ever seen her smile so much, "Ever since we moved here she's been ecstatic. With her friends and all of that here she... she's thriving."

There was a wistful tinge in my voice as I thought about it all.

A small smile broke through my exterior.

"Doe's she resent you?" His next question.

One that lead me to take another long drink before answering.

"No," I exhaled, "No, She doesn't. And I'll never understand why that is."

She must have for a time there, but I'll never forget my confusion when she met me with peace instead of anger or punishment during my apologies.

How she wanted nothing more from me than just having her friend back.

A twist in my chest, one surprisingly not from my feralism this time.

"I don't think she does either. In fact, I've never seen so much liveliness out of that girl than I do when you're there with her."

I rose my head a bit, lifting my hunch into a slouch.

"It seems that you're the only one left beating yourself up about the whole thing." He finished

"Someone has to," I replied with a curt edge, "For how long it went on, and for everything I let happen, I want to make sure that I pay for it in full!"

He was shocked by my sudden raise of tone, changing his relaxed stance into one of attention, his hands falling into his lap.

"Pay for it?" he grimaced, "how much of what happened could you tell me that you actually enjoyed?"

"None of it but-"

"How much of it was truly under your control? After that bitch told you that she knew the power of the hold she had on you?"

"That doesn't change the fact that Doe still got hurt! You got hurt!"

"You weren't the root of that problem!"

"That doesn't make the fact that I just stood there and watched any better!"

Thinking back to those days, just the memories was enough to make me sick.

To make me despise myself all over.

How did he not see that?

How did no one see that?

Nico was all about accountability, so why now was he not thinking about this the same way that I was?

He just looked at me, that stern gaze digging into mine.

Little by little, it diffused, and he let out a little sigh.

"Xan... You don't go through life living it perfectly. You mess up, you make bad decisions, you hurt people that you don't mean to. What's important is that you learn from what you've done. That you take your mistakes, and you use them to guide you and the people you care about in the right direction."

I stared back into my glass.

"Not a lot of people I've come in contact with ever want to make up for what they've done, or face it head-on like you have. Some try to run and hope that everyone involved just forgets about it or hopes that the grudge just becomes too much of a nuisance to hold onto after a certain amount of time. They assume forgiveness out of ignorance in order to help them forgive themselves."

I could feel his gaze on me, and I was too much of a coward to meet it right now.

"You were stuck in a situation pitted entirely against you, so why the hell are you being so hard on yourself when you were one of the victims?"

Nothing.

I couldn't think of an answer. Not with his words tangling with my pre-existing thoughts.

"What is it going to take for you to forgive yourself?"

"I don't know," That answer came quickly.

I truly didn't. It wasn't anything I saw near enough in the future to start considering.

"Have... you forgiven me?" I caught myself asking.

"I forgave you the second you told me what was actually going on because I knew that the Xander I'd been seeing wasn't the one that you really were. And all I wanted was to have my brother back."

I didn't go into the question with an expected answer but still found myself surprised by what he gave me.

The shock came with a new wave of tears that I couldn't tell the origin of.

Nico's hand met with my shoulder yet again.

"I forgive you, but I will never forget Layla for what she put you through."

I just don't know why I struggled so much to separate her action from mine.

Everyone else did it so easily and I just... couldn't.

"If I had to guess, I'd say that Doe may feel the same. She saw more of that situation than I'll ever understand, so it would only make sense."

Maybe... but even so...

I almost hoped that Doe hadn't forgiven me.

There's no possible way after everything that happened.

Again, I couldn't find any words in me to respond.

Since there was nothing else to defend how I felt other than the words that had already been spoken.

"You need to cut yourself some slack. Even if you did deserve to pay for what happened, it's absolutely not to the extent that drives you into becoming what I saw out there. Self-suffering isn't going to make anybody feel better."

I remember Doe said something similar to me once back when I'd first found it in me again to purr.

"I can't just turn off how I feel," I said.

These thoughts had been haunting me for too long now.

"Not turn off. Just work with. You have to work with yourself, both parts of yourself, if you want this to work. Only good things can come when you try to better yourself instead of tearing yourself apart after going through something like that. If you don't want to do it for yourself, then do it for Doe, do it for me. Do it for the people that care about you and hate seeing you like this."

That took a hard hold on my attention, sitting back fully on the bench, and smoothing out my hair with my hand.

That sounded like the best possible course of action.

I wanted to make him proud, and I wanted to make Doe happy regardless of what my relationship with her could or couldn't be.

I could hear her words through some of Nico's to a point that made me listen as much as my initial reaction to all of this didn't want to.

"How?"

He smiled softly at my cooperation, a small little celebration of his own.

"You have to let yourself be a little selfish. Show your instinct that you're not neglecting it. Approach your problems instead of running away from them, to regain some of that confidence I know you had once. If guilt is your issue, then instead of letting it corner you into a mess of a vampire, use it as your motivation to be better in the future."

I blinked, thinking all of that through.

Feeling the warm agreeance in my chest from my pesky little instinct.

Okay... Alright, maybe we can start there then.

"I just don't want you to think that forcing yourself through more agony is going to solve anything, because I will give you hell if I catch you in that position again, knowing where it's coming from." he threatened.

A let out a little laugh at the nostalgia of it.

At the strange way Nico showed his care since he wasn't always in the mood to give it out with straightforward words.

I began to feel again that urge to have Doe in my arms grow.

"Thanks, Nico," I spoke through it, "I really do appreciate you."

"Don't just tell me that. Show me by putting my words into actions." He replied with a soft rub from his thumb, betraying his tough words.

"I will. I promise."