Xander's POV:

A twist sat angry and unrelenting in my chest from where I had secluded myself in the library.

Pushing and aching for me to seek her out, not allowing me to read a single word on this paper no matter what it tried.

Causing my hard grip on the wooden table to become a clawed one, surely leaving scratches in it.

I'd listened to it a few hours ago. Left what I was doing and went and found her and Khloe.

The second I laid my head on her thighs gave me that moment of peace I'd needed from the havoc in my mind.

I only remember the drawing of Doe Khloe was doing and then the mention of her and my father sharing a birthday after Nico showed up.

Then he left, and well, I didn't want to overstay my welcome between the girls.

I could feel the urge to pull her closer creeping up on me every second longer I was there and left before it could become too much to hide.

Just for my body to retaliate harder and harder with every moment since.

And here I thought the days right after I had sex with her were difficult...

After our day out in the woods a few days ago, things began to... escalate. Quickly.

The constant internal nagging within my body about her turned into an intense burning need.

A constant pain that had me keeping every muscle in my body coiled in order to try to deal with it.

To hide it.

Only for it to respond with a harder physical punishment.

At this point, I'd been reduced to taking short, shallow breaths to escape the crushing feeling in my chest from reaching my lungs.

I'd caught the tips of my fingers trembling multiple times, and fighting the constant threat of that feralism surfacing and doing something that I might regret.

Something that might tie that connection into an even tighter knot.

My body- I was craving her to an extent I couldn't even begin to put into words.

Just her presence. Her smell, the sound of her voice, anything.

It wasn't in a vampire's nature to hide these things, Not when the connection had been established.

No matter how much I tried to convince myself that the connection was a mistake, it only made the crazed vampire in me more upset.

More pushy, more unforgiving.

I knew it was futile to try to convince myself that I didn't truly love her just for this push to calm down for three seconds.

Not when I wished more than anything that she was mine.

That me loving her was the most undeniable fact I could give.

How I wished that me and that feral part of me weren't simply one in the same. That it wasn't just a keeper and dealer of my deepest wants and desires.

So that way I could keep blaming it to distract myself from facing the fact that I was just fighting myself.

Then... to make matters so much worse...

My clawed finger curled into tight fists, feeling the puncturing of my claws into the skin of my palm.

...It'd been days since Doe last kissed me.

The day of our picnic was the start of this... that's what must have started this unforgiving change in me.

It was frustrating and crushing, adding even more onto my insistent urge to find her just so I could solve whatever I'd done wrong to have this happen.

Up until now, it was like I was starving. Only allowing her to give me enough breadcrumbs to keep me breathing and nothing more.

Just enough to keep the onslaught in my body to a minimum.

The kisses, the physical inclinations, the occasional nights where things would get more heated.

Claws tore at the inside of my chest at the memories.

They were gone.

Where did they go?

Why did she stop?!

Did I do something wrong?

Did she find someone else?

A hand slapped over my mouth to silence the almost chocked sound from leaving my mouth through the stinging lump in my throat.

I ended up letting it out as a cough, healing the cuts in my hand, and licking away the metallic-tasting blood to avoid suspicion.

It felt like I was going insane, that any moment now I was just going to burst.

I didn't feel like I could confidently control it anymore, and so for her sake, I made some changes.

All the work I usually did at my desk in our room, I took to the library.

I tucked myself into a little corner here and did what I needed.

I'd see her at night, or at the occasional meal, but that was it.

That was all I'd allow myself.

I'd debated going to my parents or Nico. Have them use their pheromone to force that part of me to calm down, just for a moment of peace.

But this all just felt like some sick but deserved punishment.

The only times I could find peace were at night. When she was laying in my arms and talking to me about her day.

About her friends, what she did with Lily, or how she was progressing with her guitar.

All of which I wished I was there to witness but... even laying there beside her was a fight.

I didn't know how much of that fight I had left.

I hadn't been sleeping well, food sat strangely in my stomach.

I'd even found myself debating alcohol for some temporary relief.

How long it was going to be before I had to beg for her to tell me that I'm delusional for wanting more from our relationship?

That she didn't want me. That I didn't deserve her. That after the years of hell I put her through, there was no way in hell she'd ever find it in herself to forgive me, let alone love me back.

My exhale came out ragged, blinking away the forming tears from the agony the thought produced.

I think I preferred the suffering I was going through now more than how hearing those words will make me feel.

Shattered hearts... The loss of someone loved so deeply, the violent snapping of that connection. It's one of the only known causes of early deaths in vampires.

I wasn't sure just how deep that love had to be, but I'd be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind a few times during all of this.

I placed both hands flat against the table, eyes squeezed shut.

Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in...

I may have just been feigning ease for my own temporary benefit, but the truth was written loud and clear in my mind.

I couldn't fathom in this dark hole I'd put myself in, a way in which this has a happy ending.

~~~

Doe's POV:

I'd made a habit of reading my book on the lounge by the fire, glancing up at the door at any minuscule sound and hoping that it was him.

Since... well since Xander was rarely if ever in the room with me lately.

I'd finished the last book two days ago, and had to end up asking Khloe for my next book recommendation instead of him because I couldn't find him anywhere.

Searching the entire floor twice and coming up empty-handed.

I'd seen Nico more often than I'd seen him for the past few days.

It was... confusing. And saddening in a different way than the sadnesses I'd experienced in the past.

Not only that but, ever since I made my choice to stop initiating kisses in the like, there's been none of it.

At all.

Maybe an occasional hand or arm brush, but nothing more than that. Nothing with more meaning or feeling behind it.

Even the smaller gestures came to a halt.

Before all of this, he'd at least give me one on the cheek, forehead, or even on my knuckles, but now there was nothing.

I missed it, but...

I just wanted him to initiate it. For once I wanted it to start with him.

He'd made it clear to me wordlessly that he enjoyed those moments with me, so then why...?

Why wouldn't he start them?!

Those little clues I'd been so keen on finding were fizzling away.

I felt like I could pick out so many from my memories, but now...

Now I barely ever saw him.

He'd get up uncharacteristically early, maybe join me for lunch, disappear for hours on end, and then return late.

It'd been like clockwork now, and I hated it.

I saw him for about 20 minutes today when I was with Khloe.

He seemed completely fine then, only to go back to his disappearing act after that.

Doubts had crawled into my mind because of this. Telling me that I'm going about this wrong. That he doesn't really love me, not in that way, I was just getting hopeful since I didn't understand too much about the subject.

That he wasn't actually enjoying those times the way I thought he was. That the things that I was once so sure about had been wrong this whole time.

None of them, stuck because none of them made sense and instead just left me more and more confused.

Every time I tried bringing it up or suggesting a plan for us to meet up somewhere alone, he'd shift the subject or retreat into the shower.

I've debated just going ahead and joining him to continue the conversation, but then the doubts would get to me again.

I did most things with confidence... but what if this whole time my confidence was wrong?

What if this whole time... the WHOLE TIME I was getting ahead of myself?

No... No way. There was no way I'd been completely wrong.

I knew what I felt from him. I knew how he's made me feel...

You can't fake those things. At least, I'd like to think that you can't.

I thought I knew that he specifically couldn't.

He doesn't lie to me... He said that himself months ago.

If that were true then what the hell has been his issue lately?

All these strange actions and yet he still holds me just as tight when we sleep.

Maybe even tighter these past two nights.

I closed my book and tossed it up onto the couch, laying an arm over my eyes after singing deep into the longe.

I missed him.

I missed the stupid teasing, I missed getting angry whenever he made me blush, I missed his touch, his lips, just him.

It'd been only around four days so why did it feel like it'd been months since I last felt wanted by him?

He was still here, so why did he feel so far away?

And if that wasn't bad enough, the scene I just read was incredibly sexy, and his face was the only one I could imagine through all of it.

I was turned on and ached for him in that way too...

In every conceivable way, I wanted him, and he wasn't here.

The sigh I let out was a pitiful one, followed by me forcing my legs to move and get up under me.

To order dinner alone like I had the last three nights.

At least on the first, I ate with Khloe, the second with Lily's company, and the last with Marcus.

Tonight though, I didn't want to go out into public in the funk I was in right now.

We needed to talk.

I looked up at the clock.

If he follows the pattern he has since the start of this, I'm not going to see him until around 9 pm.

An anxious weight filled the center of my chest, trudging my way over to the phone with the hopes that whatever I order, will be enough to serve as a distraction until then.