||TAMIA||

My mind is blacking out, going to a place festering with anxiety cajoled by the fear of facing my parents. Time sluggishly has passed. I think two hours or so since we came into this waiting room. It is unbearable but my squad is making it a little bearable.

We are speaking of the future we want to have while we wait to be summoned back to that doomed room. We have so many bright dreams that right now I feel have been shadowed by uncertainty. The squad feels so too but we have all vowed that come rain come shine, we shall live them.

"Time for you to go back. Your parents have already arrived," Clarence Grace suddenly says as she appears at the door with her entourage.

At her words, I feel my heart drop as a thin shred of fear slashes through it. I swallow as I start preparing myself to face them even though I know I'll never be ready. I'll just be forced to.

Clarence Grace and her followers don't look so banged and that makes me curious about how her case went. Although I don't put much thought into it. I turn to look at Joe. He is apologetically looking at me which makes me frown.

"What are you sorry about this time?" I ask, trying to compose myself.

"What you have to go through in the hands of your parents," he softly tells me, holding one of my hands in his.

"I know I won't have a pretty experience," I tell him honestly.

"I can see that. You're afraid of facing them," he points out and I nod in confirmation.

"But I know I will get through it," I tell him, trying to convince myself more than him.

"There is no other way around it. You have to get through it," he firmly tells me and I nod in understanding.

With that, he daringly leans in and takes my lips in his for a sensational and soothing kiss. When we retreat, he pulls me in for our usual bear hug. I tightly hug him you'd think it is the last time I'm going to do it for a long while.

"Let's go now," he says upon retreat.

We stand and start our way out with him holding my hand in his. Sheraw and Kel are waiting for us outside. Seemingly, Daisy and Johnson have already proceeded back to the boardroom.

"Strong, guys," Kel tells us.

We nod in agreement even though deep down, with each step I take forward, I can feel my strength fading and the fear paralysis trying to take over my legs.

Truth be told, I'd be lying if I said that I am not hearing a tiny voice in my head telling me to run so that I do not have to face my parents. As if Joe can sense my torment, he squeezes my hand in a comforting manner.

All this will end. Somewhere within, I believe it. But not without one long wound that will definitely leave a scar. Assuming the wound ever heals. To that, I leave the future to tell.

At the door, Joe reluctantly lets go of my hand. Immediately he does so, I feel as if he has left me and once again, I'm all alone in this battle of facing my parents. Immediately I enter the room, I feel my parent's shocked, disappointed and furious gazes on me.

I try hard to avoid looking at them but inevitably, I do look. Then instantly, guilt harshly weighs down on me as tears well up in my eyes. I'm such an ungrateful child. An unworthy child. I don't deserve them and all the efforts they have put in to make sure that I'm studying without any challenges.

Mom, despite the raging fury and bold disappointment, looks crushed. It is as if her only hope has vanished into thin air. That look sharply and painfully shreds my heart. My dad's face is marred by disappointment and disbelief which only shreds my heart more.

If only I had been sensible enough and thought of them first like I always did. None of this would be happening. But then, I wouldn't have met Joe Danson Karanja. I wouldn't have fallen for the jerk and loved him to the point of no regret. I may regret the actions I've done to lead me here but not him. Never him.

"Welcome back," Stilettos begins. It is time she finally punished us. "I would have loved to have the panel have their chance with you but time is not on our side. I would have also loved to have you sit down with your parents to explain your offences to them and what pushed you into committing them."

"But as I can imagine, you will have a lot of time to do that. So what we are doing right now is reading out the punishment that both groups will be expected to serve to account for their actions. Mr Kinya will do that. Mr Kinya," she concludes.

Mr Kinya stands and looks between us. I nervously tug at my fingers as I wait for those words. As of the moment, I'm praying not to be sent home. I no longer want to go there after the looks on my parents' face.

"After further deliberations, both the disciplinary committee and the panel have decided that both groups, from today, are indefinitely suspended from their respective schools," Mr Kinya makes the revelation.

My heart drops into the pit of my stomach as tears start flowing down my cheeks, following it. That there was expulsion sugar-coated in less than pretty words like indefinite suspension.

I try holding back the tears but I'm unable to. More so when I recall that I am crushed. My parents are shredding every bit of my fragile heart with their crushed expressions.

They make me feel like rushing to them and begging for their forgiveness. Although I have a feeling that that will not be of any help. Everything is done. Rather, I've messed up.

"You are required to pack all your belongings and present them to the office for inspection before you are released. However, in case the board decides to give you a second chance, you will be contacted," Mr Kinya adds in a flat voice.

No remorse. No pity. No nothing. This time when I spare a glance at my parents, I know I am dead meat. It goes without saying. Mom and Dad are telling it to me silently with their disappointed and furious gazes. I'm a royal fuck up and I'm just about to realize that.

"However, getting indefinitely suspended does not mean that you will not be sitting for your KCSE examination in your respective schools. You will, but everything regarding that will be fully communicated when the time comes."

"The girls' parents will be required in the office while the girls proceed to pack up their things. For the boys, Mr Ondieki will be taking you with him back to school along with your parents. To the panel and the parents, we apologize for the inconvenience caused. That will be all for now. Thank you for coming," he concludes and then resumes his seat.

He packs up his things and then leaves. Stilettos and the panel follow, leaving us in the grip of our parents. I wipe away the tears still streaming down my face.

I look at Sheraw, she's devastated and her eyes are streaming as well. Daisy has blacked out. She has run back to that safe place where she cannot feel the pain, the guilt and the darkness our future has fallen into.

Joe's mom and dad take their boy out of the room. They look disappointed but not shocked. Perhaps he might face a better hell than mine. Joe's eyes land on mine and the painful goodbye they give me shatters the rest of my heart as a fresh stream of hot tears flows down my face.

It hurts to know that this might be goodbye. Fuck! I want to hug him. I want to be in that safe place in his arms. But I can't because I'm stuck on this chair. I can't even stand to go face my parents who are still sitting. I'm too ashamed of the disgrace I've rained on them.

Joe disappears out the door and a piece of my heart disappears with him. Sheraw is taken by her mother who looks mad. Before they slip through the door, my father's presence fills my space. I turn away from Sheraw and her mom to meet my father's gaze.

"Aren't you ashamed?" he spits.

I am. I am and I am so sorry. I speak it all inside me, unable to let the words out.

"Did I bring you to school to involve yourself with men who will not help you?" he asks with an agitated voice.

"No, Dad," I respond in a mere whisper, sniffing away the sorrowful tears.

"What did I bring you to school to do?" he asks.

"To study," I respond, once again, in a whisper.

"Have you forgotten the struggle we have to go through to make sure your school expenses are fully catered for, you ungrateful child? This term we had to sell two of your mother's goats to pay your school fees. Had I known you were such a hypocrite you'd have remained at home," he lashes out, all the while shredding what is left of my heart.

"How many times did I sing the song that if you are not careful, men will ruin your life?" Mom asks in a disappointed and angry tone.

I'm unable to respond because I'm crying silently. She has been singing this song for longer than I can remember.

"How many times, Wangui?" she asks in a stern voice.

"Countless times, Mom," I sniff, wiping away the tears. "Countless times."

"Countless times. Do you know what that makes you?" she asks.

I know it in my heart but I don't know if I can admit it.

"Look up and tell it to my face," she demands.

Although I can't tell her. I can't.

"I am sorry, Mom," I apologize, deeply meaning the words. "I am sorry, Dad."

"Be sorry to yourself and forgive yourself for being a what?" Mom asks, holding my gaze with her furious one.

"An ignorant fool," I respond.

Maybe a hypocrite as Dad has called me. As it is, I regret it all but not Joe Danson Karanja. And I think that is what I am asking my mom and dad for forgiveness for.

The fact that I'm not sorry about him. I'm not sorry I've ruined my life because of him and would do it again without a doubt. That's how far gone I am when it comes to him.

Silence prevails between us. I stare at anything else, crying out in silence. Upon looking up, I find my parents looking at me with disappointed gazes that don't know what to do with me.

Even I don't know what to do with myself at the moment. The pain is growing heavy and I already want to get rid of it. I wipe away the tears and remind myself that I have to get through this. I have to. There is no other way around it. Joe made me understand.

"What happened to you?" my dad asks in a low puzzled tone.

I changed. I let the tiny horns grow and boast without minding about the consequences.

"I don't know what happened," I lie.

I'm pathetic. But it is only because I know he won't understand. Mom won't too.

"You have mastered the art of lying?" Mom asks, violently raising my chin so that I can look at them.

"You do not have the courage to answer yet you have to courage to sneak men into school and do God knows what. Is that the case, Wangui?" she angrily asks.

"No, Mother," I respond.

Then I take in a deep breath and decide to risk my well-being by telling her the truth.

"Mom, the truth is that I fell for him and I couldn't control myself. I fell in love with him and--" a hard slap from a sparingly rough hand lands on my right cheek.

I can feel the burn as the pain reeks through my jaws, temple and the brain. My ears grow hot as my eyes start feeling the pain from too silent crying, holding and shedding buckets of tears.

"That is stupidity you are talking about. How many times have I told you that men will ruin your life, huh?" she asks the question once again.

"Countless times," I begrudgingly repeat.

I hate that they are not trying to let me explain myself. I mean, I am human and a teenager for that matter. I'm prone to falling into the claws of teenage romance. So they should try and understand me!

"Before you decided to become an ignorant fool, did it ever occur to you that he would be crushed but not as hard as you?" Mom thoughtfully asks.

I did but I didn't care about it.

"Of course not," she mutters. "You are stupid. Now, stand and take back stupidity to the village," she commands.

I stand and step out of my chair. I then steady myself as I walk around the table to their side.

"Do we pay for everything?" Dad asks and I nod in response.

"Do you lack anything?" he asks again and I shake my head in response.

I hate that he's now starting to feel as if he hasn't done enough. He has done everything. It is just that I failed him real time.

"Then what is this that you are repaying us with?" he asks. "Do you know that you have thrown your life out of the window for something stupid? Your studies are now screwed. Even worse, your life is screwed."

"Do not think that you will be getting a chance to get to another school. I'm not going to waste my time on such an ungrateful person. Your life is now yours to do as you please. You can stay home, go to work, decide whether you will study for that KCSE or do whatever you want."

With those words, I feel as if they have abandoned me, leaving me all alone to face whatever life has in store for me. I don't blame them. Perhaps I deserve it. Feeling crushed, tired and lost, hopeless and alone, I follow them out of the boardroom.

We walk through the corridor with an old noticeboard and head towards the lower compound. Behind the old library in a grassed area, Sheraw and Kel are both being bashed by their parents.

Her fleeting gaze lands on me for a second. She too looks like me. Messed up. I want to see Joe. Maybe for the last time. But he is nowhere to be seen. So are Daisy and Johnson.

"Go get your things and find us in the office," Mom dismissively tells me.

Without a word, I walk down the pavement leading to the dorm area and get the spare keys from the nurse. As sceptical as she usually is, she doesn't give them to me. However, she does agree to go and open the door for me.

Upon getting there, she does so and asks me to hurry in whatever I'm doing. With a nod, I walk through and step into the empty and eerily silent corridor to our cubical. It is so neat as the beds are well spread and everything is kept in its place.

If the nurse allowed me some time to reminisce, I would. But she didn't when she asked me to hurry. And the last thing I want is to get into trouble with any other staff in this hell of a school.

So I start by packing the pillow. I put it on Anne's bed so that I can work on undoing my bed and folding the beddings. I start with the navy blue maasai shuka which serves as the bed cover.

Once it is neatly folded, I take on the two light blankets and two green bedsheets. I fold them well and then fold the low-density mattress before climbing on the bed and getting my blue metallic box.

I lower it on the bed, step on the floor and then take it. I place it on the empty bed, open it and start stuffing the beddings inside it. The bed cover, sheets and blankets fit, leaving the pillow and the mattress.

For the pillow, I opt to put it in my back bucket. I'll try and tie the mattress to the box. I rush out of the dormitory to get my towel, scarf and panties from the clothesline.

Back in the dorm, I squeeze them into the box. I grab my small pink bucket and put the extra pair of shoes inside after getting them from under the bed.

After I am sure that I have packed everything, I take the box with me out of the dormitory first. I'm not the Hulk to carry everything at once. The box is heavy but since no one is going to help me with it, I might as well endure it.

Fifteen minutes later, I place it outside the senior office. My parents are sitting on the waiting chairs outside the deputy principal's office.

From my peripheral view, I see Joe in the parking lot with his dad and mom. For a moment, I stop and stare at him longingly. When he notices me, he gives me a small smile. His eyes are calling to me. So are mine.

"Can you go and get the rest of your things and stop acting like a stupid fool?" I hear Mom asking harshly.

I snap out of my daze only to realize that I caused Joe's dad to slap him because he stopped listening to him just to stare at me. If the flowerbed in front of me wasn't a barricade, perhaps I would run to him.

Then we'd face this hell together. Just like Sheraw and Kel. Begrudgingly, I turn away from him with a tear slipping down my face. On my way back to the dormitory, I pass through the washrooms to pee and cry some more.

Minutes later, I walk out and walk down the pavement leading to the dormitory area. Once I'm inside, I grab the two buckets and the mattress and walk out.

On my way, I meet Sheraw and her mom going to her dormitory. She doesn't look so bad right now. Perhaps she has somehow settled things with her mom. I painfully smile at her. She returns the smile with a painful one too.

At the office, I place the mattress on the box and the buckets beside them. Joe and his parents are no longer at the parking lot. Something that causes me to start worrying about him being gone. I don't want him to leave just yet. Daisy comes out of the office with her dad.

"Can we go and get our books together?" she asks.

"Okay," I nod in response.

I was starting to wonder how I would manage to get them alone. I don't feel as if I have enough strength left in me. I compose myself by plastering a fake countenance.

We are going to walk into a class with snakes. I may be embarrassed and somewhat regretful of some of the actions I've done but I'll not give them the satisfaction to see that.

When we get to class, we find our Kiswahili teacher teaching. Daisy knocks on the door and he lets us in. We don't bother explaining to him what we want to do. We just head straight for the bookshelves at the back.

"Hawa ni wale wasichana wa bangi ama ni wa vijana?" he asks in a mocking tone that arouses hatred for him inside me.

"Are these the weed users or the ones sneaking boys into school?" he asks.

I grab all the books from my shelf space and then proceed to my locker. I place them on the locker and grab my backpack from the back of my chair.

I unzip it and stuff them all in before getting the ones inside the locker. I hear the teacher ask his question again. This time, to a snake at the front who doesn't hesitate to answer him.

"Sasa kwa nini uharibu maisha yako juu ya kijana hatakusaidia? Ona hawa sasa juhudi zao na pia zile za wazazi wao zimeenda hivo," he says in a pitiful tone.

"Now, why would you want to ruin your life because of a boy who will not help you? You can now see that their efforts and those of their parents are going down the drain," he says in a pitiful tone.

"Lakini kila mtu ana maisha yake na pia uhuru wa kuishi atakavyo," he goes on.

"But everyone has their life and also the freedom to do with it as they please," he goes on.

I bet he is having fun mocking and criticising us. After all, we are taking his time. So he may feel as if he has the right to do so.

For the books that don't fit inside the backpack, I put them in a carrier bag until the locker is empty. I grab my black gumboots and white PE Converse shoes.

I put them in another carrier bag and get ready to leave. But before that, I look at Sheryl. She offers me an encouraging smile. I smile back at her, trying hard not to be emotional.

"You don't have a desk mate now," I say and she chuckles.

"It is sad but it looks like Janet and I will have to console each other," she says.

"Lucky you," I tell her.

Literally, she is lucky. I don't know who I'll turn to for consolation after I leave this school for home.

"I hope that everything works out for you in the end," she says with a hopeful voice.

"I hope so too. We shall see each other again when I come back for the KCSE examinations," I tell her with an assuring smile.

"I will be waiting," she says. "You just have to remember that the target is what grade?"

"B+," I respond.

"Good girl. It's either that or that. No other grade," she tells me.

"I will make sure to do my best to get it," I assure her.

"You better. Anyway, I know it might not sound pretty at the moment, but good luck," she says.

"Thank you and take care," I tell her with a smile.

"Take care too," she says before I turn to Janet.

"Here is your new desk mate," I tell her.

"Awful fate," she groans making us smile.

"You will have to put up with it," I tell her.

"Where is Sheraw?" she asks.

"She will come," I tell her. "Guys, I'm off. Good luck in your mock exams and weekly assessment tests."

"Thanks," both of them appreciate.

I carry everything and start out of the door. I leave Daisy behind as she finishes up her packing. Thankfully the teacher won't mock her. He is busy telling the class a story about his schoolmates who were expelled for leading a strike.

Outside the admin office, I find my parents and Joe's talking. I wonder what they could be talking about. But I wonder more about where Joe could be. I place my backpack and carrier bags on the floor next to my other belongings.

I then walk to the staffroom to get her Her Majesty so that she can come and conduct an inspection. Thankfully, there aren't a lot of teachers. Most of them have lessons. Else, I would have been in for an awful treat.

I call Her Majesty and walk back out with her following behind me. I take her to my belongings. She does the search and once she is satisfied that everything is mine, she gives me the go ahead to leave.

I pack up everything she unpacked and then decide to go wait for my parents in the admin office waiting area. Just upon entering, my heart breaths when my eyes land on Joe. He's silently sitting at the corner on one of the waiting area benches.

"V~Girl," he whispers with a smile.

I smile at him before taking a look at our parents. They seem engrossed enough in their conservation for me to steal a few seconds with him. I step towards him.

Upon reaching him, I hug him so tightly whilst fighting to keep more tears at bay. He embraces me tightly and affectionately. This is probably the last time we are seeing each other in a while. I'll be lying I I said that doesn't make me want to cry so badly.

"It breaks my heart to know that this was how our story was meant to end," I murmur upon retreat. A stray tear falls down my cheek.

"We don't know about the future, baby love," he says with a painful, sad and perhaps hopeful smile.

"Why did you wake up the devil inside me, K~Prince?" I ask, at the moment, failing to understand how all this started in the first place.

"I never awoke a devil inside you, baby love. I broke the facade you wanted people to see and bared a side of you that you hid to please others," he tells me.

"It's ironic now that the same people I tried to please will judge, mock and condemn me," I tell him.

"Because they don't know this side of you. But with time, they will understand," he says.

"That is the last thing I'll ever hope for. My parents will never understand any of the actions I've indulged myself in," I tell him.

"If they want to, they will. But don't worry too much. The worst has already happened," he says with an encouraging voice.

"I'm not sure about that. What will happen after this?" I ask in a desperate tone.

"We shall go back home and suck up the hell we shall be thrown into by our parents and worse for you, that meddlesome village population," he responds.

"What about V~Girl and K~Prince?" I ask and he smiles painfully.

"I don't know at the moment. Perhaps one day we shall go back to being who we used to be," he says hopefully.

"I wouldn't know. My future right now looks so bleak. I don't know what will happen and if I am honest, I'm scared," I admit.

"I want to hope that everything will be alright," he says silently.

"So this is goodbye? The literal end of our story?" I ask, a tear slipping down my face.

He wipes it away and smiles.

"Remember, we don't know about the future. I would love to think of this as 'I'll see you in the near future' kind of goodbye. I want to believe our story isn't over yet," he says.

"Are you sure?" I ask, fearing that it might happen.

"Yes, baby love," he assures me. "But before we part to our different hells, I want you to go there knowing that I love you so much. You are my pretty, stubborn, sometimes proud, smartass and soulful V~Girl. I could go on about you in greater detail but just know that I love you wholly."

I smile as I wipe away the tears that are now relentlessly flowing after his revelation. His words mend my heart. I can feel it reforming and growing into a whole organ again. But I know that before it fully heals, it will be a long time.

"I love you too, K~Prince," I confess and he smiles.

"You are my handsome, proud ass, royal jerk ass, smartass, kind-hearted, loving, damn you are so many things," I groan and he chuckles.

"Never mind about listing them all. We shall continue that in the future," he tells me, placing a quick kiss on my temple.

"You didn't hear me correctly, did you?" Joe's dad demands, startling us.

We both scoot further away from each other to put some distance between us. Mom joins him and looks between us with an exasperated look.

"Get out and start walking," she commands.

Damn, I want to really cry now. I don't want to leave Joe. He sadly smiles and murmurs goodbye. I'm about to murmur the same when Mom pulls me by the sweater and drags me outside. When she releases me, she slaps my cheek, causing more tears to fall again.

"I do not want to ever see such stupidity again! Take your box and start walking to the gate," she grits out.

Without wasting a second, I grab my box and backpack. Both of them may be heavy but I'll not say that. It would be of no use anyway since none of my parents wouldn't help me with either.

Dad carries the mattress and the two buckets while Mom carries the carrier bags. Silently, I walk towards the gate, shedding tears from my bleeding heart. I try looking back to see Joe's face one last glance but--

"Don't try me again, Wangui," Mom warns.

I swallow and soldier on. One day I'll remember all this and I'll laugh about it. It is a promise if not an oath.

"You are such a disappointment," Mom mumbles under her breath.

"I never once thought that you would be such a disgrace," Dad says. "If this was the life you wanted, then you have gotten it. Congratulations! I hope you are enjoying it."

"How could she not? You can see how she royally screwed up," Mom sarcastically says.

I have no words to say to them. I can't talk. I don't even feel as if I have a right to. Moreover, it will probably take me time to finally be able to talk to them or anyone for that matter.

Seemingly, I'll be hearing more than words of ridicule from them. They are hurt, angry and disappointed. I've lost their hope and faith in me. Even worse, I have broken their trust.

The beautiful relationship that existed between us has today walked out of the door. And to have it back, I'll have to toil and moil for it. No matter, I'll do so with time. Meanwhile, I'll just focus on fighting to be strong enough to get through this quagmire.

It won't be easy. At least not when I have somehow lost Joe. The fate of the love we sacrificed so much for is a response only fate itself can provide. I've lost my friends. My best friend Sheraw and her boyfriend, Kel.

Well, at least for Sheraw, I know we shall meet again when we come back for the KCSE examinations in November. As for Joe and Kel, I have no idea. I've lost my happiness. I've lost myself. Right now I'm a shell of guilt, a ball of anxiety and a mess lost in the murky depths of pain and hopelessness.