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Chapter 34

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"Y-you d-don't understand A-Anna..." I sob into my hands.

"What? What don't I understand?"

I called her the moment the paramedics carried Jake into the ambulance. I don't even remember what I said, I don't know how I got to the hospital, I don't know when I sat down on the bench outside of his room.

All that replays over and over in my head is Jake's croaking voice and his body shielding mine.

All I hear is his quiet 'are you ok?' and my answer dying at his gut-wrenching groan.

I didn't breathe until the car door opened and Jake got pulled out, that's when I lost it.

When I saw his face.

His hooded and absent eyes, on the brink of consciousness. Neck limp, head hanging down.

Strangers blocked my vision, asked questions, but I couldn't answer. I kept looking at him, screaming, crying, begging him to wake up.

It's been...I don't know how long, in the hospital. His parents, Naomi, John are here, a couple of benches away. His mom's crying, Greg's eyes are brimming with tears, Naomi's in John's arms, talking to the nurses.

A fractured scapula with a dislocated shoulder.

Surgery.

Car totaled.

And I'm fine.

I'm fucking fine.

"Is she ok?" I hear Naomi.

"She won't stop crying," Anna says. "I think she's just really shaken up."

"I'll go get her something to drink..." Her heels tap on the ground, echoing across the cold, white walls.

Anna rubs my back, keeps soothing me, and it makes my skin crawl. "Anna, you don't get it. I was horrible to him...I was so cruel..."

"Were you guys fighting? Is that why you didn't see the car? Babe...all couples fight. Ramon and I do it all the time, especially on the road..."

My nails pierce into my palms. "I should've stopped driving, I should've listened to him..."

"It already happened, beating yourself up won't change anything. Come on...Naomi's bringing you some tea."

My body curls even more, "Anna h-he told me he loves me and I called him...I c-called him s-spineless...I was breaking u-up with him..."

"Mia..."

"Get out."

Naomi's cutting voice jerks my head up. She's in front of me with a livid expression and a cup of chamomile in her hand.

"Naomi, I'm sorry—"

"They were having an argument, she didn't mean it—" Anna argues.

"I'm not talking to you." Naomi retorts.

"Naomi, I can't...I want to be there for him."

"You're not needed," she says, shaking her head. "The only people that matter here are those who actually care for him."

"You don't know what Jake means to Mia," Anna defends. "He's lucky to have her in his life!"

"Lucky?" Naomi's eyes bulge, her mouth pulls without humor. "Did you just call him lucky?" She takes out her phone. "If you're not leaving on your own, you will with security."

"Naomi, stop..." Greg stands up, expression exhausted.

"Dad, stay out of this. You don't know what's going on."

"Just let me make sure he's ok," I ask as the elevator doors open with a security guard.

"Naomi!" her mom cries.

Naomi shouts, "She's just his teacher, mom! She was never serious with him! She was breaking up with him right before the accident!"

"Why are you meddling in their private lives, he's a grown man!" Anna matches her volume, standing up.

"Listen, you little twig. I will snap you in half and throw you out of this window." Naomi steps towards her.

"Don't talk to her like that." I get up.

"Come on, don't make a scene." The security beckons me with indifference.

Naomi turns and goes back to John. I look at Anna and we head for the elevator, passing his parents, who no longer look at me with warmth. In fact, they don't look at me at all.

As we get in the elevator and the doors start to close, Naomi throws the tea in the trash and looks at John. "I told you she's too weak for him."

When the doors shut, my legs just give out and I fall forward, breaking down. The security guard stands in silence as Anna folds to pick me up. She drops me off at my apartment two hours later. I reassure her that I'll be alright, that she doesn't need to stay the night.

When I text Jake to call me, the reply I get tells me it's not from him. And the fact that she's taken his phone to threaten me is so disturbing, yet at the same time, I welcome it, because that's what I deserve.

~

We were supposed to wake up Sunday morning in each other's arms.

In his black, silk bed sheets. I'd grumble from his hoarse morning voice, his lips on my skin, telling me he's going to make his signature pancakes. I'd tell him to make them with chocolate chips. He'd chuckle and mount over me, covering every inch with affection, fire, and life.

It was meant to be a lazy Sunday. In our undies. Watching movies.

Not this cold morning in an empty bed. Not an aching throat with fever. Not a piece of toast with a cup of broth. Without him.

The image of him being dragged out the car keeps playing in my head, making me fold into nothing, wishing to become nothing.

'I love you.'

'How can you be so spineless?!'

'I love you.'

'What the fuck is wrong with you?!'

'I love you.'

'You're a fucking idiot!'

Please. This can't be real.

~

My phone rings on the bed. It's 6:37 PM. The room is pitch black. Caller ID is Kayden.

"Yeah?" I croak, shifting on my back.

"Hey, Mia, you ok?"

"I was...just sleeping."

"Sorry to bother you, but I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want first?"

"Good news."

"Well, I pulled some savings around so I can afford whatever lawyer Jake's sister recommends!"

"Um...God, Kayden...I'm so sorry...but I think we broke up..."

"What?" He sounds whiplashed. "When? How?"

"Can we...talk about that later..."

"I'm sorry..."

"What's your bad news?"

"The court date was moved up to Tuesday."

"What? Why?"

"Nat is having a surgery on Thursday."

"What type of bullshit plastic boob surgery is this bitch getting?"

"She's getting her tonsils removed."

"What the fu— and the judge agreed with that?"

"Look, I know you're going through a lot. I understand if you can't testify-"

"No, I will."

~

I'm still under the sheets when my phone rings. It's 1:00 AM. The room is freezing. Caller ID is Jake.

"Hello?" I sit up, breathless.

"Are you ok?" His voice is low.

My eyes water. "Are you?"

"I asked you first."

"I'm fine..." I shut my eyes, air stifled, throat closed. "Nothing happened to me."

"Good."

"I'll pay for your car—"

"I didn't call to ask you for a payment."

Even when he snaps, he's still gentle. Nothing compared to how I sound.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

Because I'm sorry. Because I miss you. Because I hate myself. Because I hate how crippled and incapable and pathetic I am. Over something that you are always so effortlessly, resiliently, and unapologetically strong about.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I don't deserve you. I'm sorry that I hurt you.

He's quiet for a moment. I clutch my phone, hanging on every breath, picturing his face.

"I'm home alone," he says quietly.

I could go right now. I could be in his arms in less than an hour. I could see his face, feel him, be with him, hold him.

"Do you want to come over?" he asks slowly.

Of course, I do. I want to be there with you. I want you. I want you. I want you.

"No."

He doesn't respond and I don't breathe. My chest squeezes like a ton of bricks, my face distorts.

"Fine...goodnight, then."

"Bye, Jake." I whisper and hang up, falling back on the bed.

~

The next day, I take medicine and go to school. It's a week before finals. Jake's not there.

Everything feels heavy. The air feels heavy. The passage of time feels heavy. Talking and walking feel heavy.

What once rushed my veins with adrenaline is now empty. Meaningless. A joke. The lecture is a joke, the podium is a joke, my office is a joke.

A well-earned mockery.

An exposé of all the filth I've tried to hide.

Every detail and face remind me of who I am.

A fraud. A self-pitying, harming, unfixable fraud.

I spend the rest of the evening with Kayden and Laura. We get pho at a Vietnamese restaurant where Kayden asks once again if I can do this.

And asks the next morning too, when we're already in court and the judge walks in.

I clutch the documents in my hands. My blazer's thin and doesn't help the fever. But I put on so much blush and mascara, I even fool myself in the mirror.

"Your Honor, these credit card statements from the last eight months indicate that Kayden's been the sole parent of providing support for Molly's therapy." Laura walks over to the judge. "As her therapist will shortly testify, Molly's been suffering with panic attacks and they've been getting significantly worse."

"And you assume she won't have these same panic attacks if she lives with her father?" The judge in a black gown stares at Laura, full of doubt.

"Yes, because Molly calls Kayden when she's upset, even though Natalie is a couple of feet away, sometimes even in the same room."

"And you're in the room with them, I assume?" The judge retorts with a smirk, making Laura chuckle nervously.

Natalie has never looked more modest and motherly. Her lips are muted, not glossy. Eyes humble, not smokey. Chest covered in a button-down, not a low cut halter. "Your honor, I don't want to pay a stranger to fix my problems. I'd rather take care of them myself," she says, her voice soft like butter. "Plus, I provide for every other financial need — housing, clothing, extracurricular activities, and socializing."

Natalie's lawyer looks like he just got back from a vacation in the Bahamas. "And Dr. Moretti can't do the same. His occupation does not provide enough to raise a child."

When it's my turn to testify, I keep my eyes on the notes and my voice composed. "Your Honor, though Molly has not voiced any material shortcomings, she's expressed feeling emotionally abused and unsafe in Natalie's care."

"In one session, during an anxiety attack, I was able to calm her down only after Natalie was removed from the room. Unfortunately, right as Molly stopped crying, Natalie barged in and escalated the situation. Two weeks after that, Molly called me crying that Natalie refused to pay for therapy, she was unable to focus at school and felt helpless. I met with her anyway."

"On her birthday, Molly wanted to be with her father, but Natalie wouldn't allow it. When Kayden and I showed up with Molly's friends, Natalie humiliated her in front of the guests and put Kayden down. Molly was in distress, and only after she left with us was she able to relax and celebrate."

The lawyer shrugs. "Every teenager feels misunderstood, we've had these depressive phases ourselves."

I ignore him, facing the judge. "Going through puberty hormones and being a victim of emotional abuse are different things. Emotional abuse includes lack of physical touch and habitual hostility. The behavior and ventilations from Molly fall on the spectrum of an attachment disorder, not a teenage mood swing."

The judge presses her lips. "Mhm. And this is because her mother doesn't spend enough time with her? Doesn't hug her?"

"Are you asking for my opinion, your Honor? I don't want to disrespect you by straying from my boundaries," I say with a shallow breath.

"You may proceed, I'm curious."

Natalie clenches her jaw, eyes blazing into mine. I look away. "Molly has experienced periods of interactions where Natalie switched from being supportive to bullying. Though, as adults, we can justify it to life and stress, that is not the thought process of a child."

"A child will find fault in herself, and she will internalize that into a subconscious belief, which will guide her every decision in life. She will decide that she's not worthy. Not worthy of love, not worthy of safety, not worthy of someone being there for her."

"A child that has been devalued, abandoned, and rejected, will recreate these patterns in her adult relationships. Molly is still very young, she has time to develop differently. And as adults and figures in power, we are responsible to ensure the safety and protection of those under our care."

The judge nods slowly, somewhat lost but also soft. She glances towards Natalie with suspicion. "If your daughter is that desperate, maybe you should put your beliefs aside and try to help her, huh?"

Natalie blushes and bows her head. "Yes, your Honor. I only want the best for her."

"Then maybe you shouldn't yell when she cries, huh?"

"Yes, your Honor."

"Take some tips from Dr. Ayan, here? Seems like Molly trusts her a lot."

"Yes...your Honor."

Nat's lawyer gets up from his desk. "If I may, I'd like to cross-examine the therapist again, your Honor."

"Proceed, Mr. Garcia."

Danny Garcia clicks his brown leather shoes towards me. His blue suit is crisp, tailored, and expensive. He paces my way with unhurried confidence. "Dr. Ayan, did you earn your PhD in Traumatology?"

"Yes." I reply with a neutral expression, hating the obvious question and dissecting his motive.

But he has a great poker face. "Do you have a license to practice marriage and family therapy?"

"Yes."

"Are you the youngest Associate Professor at your University?"

"Yes..."

"And is it true that in the last two months, you've gained a lot of social media fame from your lectures?"

"Yes."

He smiles, causing my spine to tense. "Would you say that you're passionate about what you do?"

"Yes."

"Do you care about your students?"

"Yes."

"Do you care about being fair to them?"

"Yes."

"Do you care about protecting them?"

"Yes."

"Do you think the policies of your university are made to ensure their safety and protection?"

Nausea twirls in my stomach, my shoulders tighten, the air stiffens.

"You're under oath, Professor." His eyes narrow.

"Yes..."

"Do you believe that actions speak louder than words?"

"Yes."

He steps closer, licking his lip and tilting his head. "Do you believe that it's not fair to point a finger when your own hands are dirty?"

"Get to the point, Mr. Garcia." The judge snaps.

He doesn't take his eyes off of me, and I can't look away. "Dr. Ayan, in the last two months, have you been physically involved with one of your students?"

The audience breaks into shocked murmurs, the judge hits her gavel for silence. Natalie glows and rolls her shoulders back. My mouth is dry and my skin prickles with mortified nakedness.

"Answer the question, Dr. Ayan," the judge probes.

I lower my eyes from Danny. "Yes."

He feigns to be surprised. "Does that mean you've been breaking the policy meant to ensure the safety and protection of people below you?"

"Yes."

"People you're professionally responsible for?"

"Yes."

"Is Molly also someone you're professionally responsible for?"

"Yes."

"Mmm." Danny smirks and turns to the judge, "your Honor, permission to cross-examine Molly's father?"

The judge sighs and takes a sip from her water. "Please proceed, Mr. Garcia."

The room shifts closer, the walls creep in, everyone's eyes are on me as I switch places with Kayden, unable to look at him.

"Dr. Moretti, do you teach at the same University as Dr. Ayan?"

"Yes."

"Are you two colleagues?"

"Yes."

"Are you two friends outside of work?"

"Yes..."

Danny cocks his head to the side, fingers on his chin. "Did you know about Dr. Ayan's affair?"

Kayden's throat bobs. "Yes."

Danny's mouth parts with fake shock. "Did you let Molly see her after you found out about the affair?"

"Yes."

"So you let your daughter be under someone's care when you knew she violated the code of ethics? Is this because you didn't have time to help Molly yourself?"

"Reframe your questions, Mr. Garcia," the judge corrects.

He smiles. "Of course. Dr. Moretti, do you also have a history of sleeping with one of your students?"

Kayden's jaw slacks and he looks at Natalie, who stares back stone cold.

"You are under oath, Dr. Moretti."

He shakes his head and looks down. "Yes."

"So!" Danny claps his hands and walks over to the judge. "Your Honor, we have two authority figures with tremendous power over those below them. Role models who are expected to care and protect those they're responsible for."

He raises his palms, eyes wide with innocence. "If I were a father, I'd want my daughter to be protected from the influence of unethical exploitations."

"My client may not be the best mother, but who is? She didn't pay for therapy, because she trusted her instincts, which as facts just proved, were valid."

"And yes, she might not hug as much, kiss as much, but sometimes practicing restraint over physical urges is a positive thing, don't you think?"

The judge sighs and shuffles the papers before her. She looks at Kayden, with faint sympathy swimming in her eyes. "Dr. Moretti, I believe that you care about your daughter. But I can't let a young girl live under the same roof with someone who not only struggles to support her, but can't separate professional matters from personal ones, and doesn't understand the repercussions when the two get mixed. Request to transfer sole custody to the father denied. Meeting adjourned."

She slaps her gavel and the crowd gets up, as if the movie they came to watch has concluded. Kayden's still, his expression broken. Natalie smirks as Danny gives her a thumbs up. I turn around, desperate to escape.

When I see the person in front of me, I break into a cold sweat. "Dr. Dennis, I can explain—"

His eyes are protruding and hard. "I came to support you two..."

My sobs trap in my throat. "Please...you have to hear me out—"

He enters my personal space, moist breath and spit hitting my face. "Do you even understand the PR nightmare you've created? This is the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to AU."

"I'm sorry—"

"You're obviously fired."

My ribs squeeze, I'm dizzy. "No—"

"Come at your normal hour tomorrow, I'll be at your office. Pack your things, I'll have a substitute finish your class and facilitate your finals." He turns around and walks away.

This can't be happening. I hold onto my stomach and drag my steps out the court. My breaths burst in and out, my leg muscles tighten, shaking uncontrollably.

The sunlight brushes my wet face and I squint against it. The parking lot is lively with chatter. Suits and pencil skirts move in all directions. Traffic noise rumbles and birds sing. Natalie sways her hips towards her Porsche while Kayden walks with his head down to his Honda.

I freeze by the steps when I see Jake in the crowd.

His right arm in a black sling. Looking right at me.

Holding a colorful balloon with 'Congratulations!' in his hand.

The corners of his lips slowly pull up, calling me with warmth I can't bear to accept.

I back away, turn and run around the building. Just far enough to be out of sight.

My body falls against the wall and slides down. I shut the world behind my eyes, pull my hair until all I feel is physical, tolerable pain. When my scalp stabs with enough distraction and the sobs subside, I crane my head to peek at the parking lot.

And I see a balloon floating up in the sky. 

~~ A/N~~

How are you guys doing?

Don't be mad at me. This story will have a happy ending <3

But I think it's important for things to fall down. Sometimes we don't grow to our fullest potential until we lose everything.

I appreciate you reading, commenting, and voting more than you'll ever know <3