***Warning: This Chapter Includes Steam***

Chapter 22

***

"What are your plans this upcoming week?" Jake asks on our way back.

"Work..."

"That's it?"

"Yeah, between two jobs and basic survival needs, there's hardly time for anything."

Jake smiles, eyes on the steering wheel. "Can you make room for me?"

I chew on the inside of my cheek for a moment. "What for?"

"I don't know," he says sarcastically. "I can email you the agenda prior to the meetings."

"Perfect." I nod and he chuckles. "I'm not even kidding, this is terrifying to me."

"What is?"

"This... this thing between us. I don't know if you're just a masochist but I'm terrified of hurting you. And it sucks that I constantly push you away."

"Then don't..."

"I can't. I can't help it. This is why I ditched you at the club. I know I have issues. Do I want to die with them? No. But it's not an easy fix."

"Hey..." he says softly and intertwines our hands on my lap. "Look at me."

I meet his gaze and he holds it for a second before looking back at the road.

"You're not the only one who struggles," he says. "I do too. Sometimes I don't know if I'm good enough. I doubt myself." He smiles briefly at me and squeezes my hand. "But I like who I am when I'm with you. Like last night, when you told me to fix that mistake and pushed me, I appreciated that. You could've left me alone, but you didn't. That's how I feel with you, it's that simple."

"That was nothing. You've done ten times more since we've met."

"It's not a competition, it's based on who needs what. Sometimes you might need my help more than I need yours."

"That's the issue! I don't want that unequal shit. It creates codependency."

"It doesn't, unless you manipulate me."

"How do you know I'm not?" I protest, pulling my hand away.

He tries to suppress his smile. "What type of a manipulator would try to convince me that she's manipulating me?"

"A very good kind." I raise my eyebrow. "It's called reverse psychology."

"You give yourself too much credit and clearly doubt my competence." He chuckles when I scoff. "How else would you explain that? Apparently you're so good at lying that I, a grown ass man, can't tell the difference."

"An apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I look out the window. "What if I'm just like my mom. I lure people in with innocent victimhood and suck the kindness out until there's nothing left."

"Has your mom ever apologized?"

"What?" I turn to look at him.

"Has she ever gone to therapy? Has she admitted she has issues?"

I look ahead and swallow the lump in my throat. What a dream that would be... to live a day when my mom accepts her shortcomings, when she changes...

"I've met your mom..." Jake continues, voice serious. "You're nothing like her. Don't you even dare compare yourself."

"How many relationships have you been in, Jake?"

"Um, I don't know. Maybe two serious ones... why?"

"I've been in three. And every single one ended with me breaking up with them. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Nothing. Over nothing. Everything was going great and then one day I woke up with my feelings shut off, and ended it."

He's quiet for a moment. "When was your last one?"

"College."

"Before you specialized in trauma and learned about your situation?"

"My point is that it can happen again!"

"Guess what?" He smiles. "If you break up with me, it won't be the end of the world. I'll survive and find someone else."

I gape at him but deep inside feel so relieved.

My mom has always made me feel like my feelings can end her. Literally end her.

I've grown to bury myself with guilt and shame, not able to trust my own feelings. Not able to know what's safe and what isn't. Or what's even real.

"Relax, kitten." He brings my hand to his lips. "Your claws don't hurt that bad."

~

Monday's lecture is about what happens when people with intimacy issues get pushed too far, too fast.

I change the slides to an image of Will from 'Good Will Hunting' and face the class.

"When Will was abused by his foster father, his flight response was channeled into strengthening his intellect, for which the outside world awarded him."

My suede skirt brushes against my pantyhose as I walk across the stage. "However, the benefit of these rewards can't penetrate deep enough to reach his toxic shame, imposter syndrome, and regression into feeling as contemptible as his foster parent perceived him to be."

I click to the next slide where Will finally breaks down after his therapist repeatedly tells him that none of the abuse and mistreatment was Will's fault.

"It's not until Will realizes that it was never his fault. That he has always been lovable. And that the neglect he endured as a child was not because he wasn't good enough, but because of the shortcomings of those who were supposed to love him unconditionally."

A student with auburn curls in a cream dress raises her hand. I narrow my eyes, trying to remember the song made up for her name.

"Elli...?"

She beams and the class cheers.

Apparently it's become a game where people who hardly raise their hands will do it now just to see if I'll remember their name. I haven't lost yet.

"Can you clarify the distinction between healthy and unhealthy pushing? Because Will's girlfriend also pushed against Will's defenses." She says. "But he ended up breaking up with her."

"The distinction is about timing." My eyes meet Jake's, who's looking at me with so much attention that I avert my gaze. "Ch-change can't be rushed. Skylar pushed Will too far, too soon, so he shut down using his worst defenses and broke her heart."

~

I'm at the school cafe with Kayden, twenty minutes before office hours begin.

He had emailed last night, asking to meet for a brief chat. So here we are, with cappuccinos in brown leather seats, inconveniently right by the cash register.

"First of all, I wanted to thank you for meeting Molly without a fee." Kayden's eyes glimmer with tenderness. "I've spent years in court trying to get custody of her, but Natalie finds ways to work around it. You have no idea how much I appreciate you being there for her."

He slides a check with extra digits scribbled down and I frown.

"Kayden, I'm not going to take that." I push the check back and look up at his surprised face. "Molly has been helping me as much as I've been helping her."

"Look, Dennis doesn't pay us shit." He blurts and we both chuckle. "It's true, so take this and use it for a vacation."

My smile falters when Jake walks into the cafe and goes to stand in line.

I have no clue if he noticed us, we're right next to him. Maybe he's ignoring me for my sake. I lean closer to Kayden so I don't have to be loud.

"I already took a vacation. Take the money and save up for better lawyers so you can get custody of Molly." I slide the check to him with more force and lean back in my seat.

Kayden shakes his head at me. "This is your problem."

"What?"

"You do too much. Just like you canceled one of the most important interviews of your career to help a 'friend.'"

My eyes go wide and I telepathically tell him to shut the fuck up but he doesn't.

"Yeah, they chewed out Dennis, then Dennis called to chew me out, and now I'm going to chew you out, unless you give me a proper reason for how you could throw that away."

"I was in the mountains, the service was bad." I lean closer with a quiet voice and peek at Jake, but he's ordering coffee. Thank God.

"Bullshit. You told me you're taking your laptop with you. Mia, your chance for that seminar is over. Even if they give you another shot, you ruined your credibility."

"Well, what do you want me to say Kayden? I don't care, alright?" I snap, taking him by surprise. "I'm not doing this for fame and I don't give a shit what some pretentious assholes who clearly need to feel important think. I'm in this field to help people, and that's exactly what I did. I helped someone."

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jake leave, and I sigh in relief.

Kayden takes a deep breath, his eyes intent on me. "This is why Molly admires you. This is why I admire you. But I won't be enough if you keep defying authority. You have to play the game, Mia, even if you hate it."

~

Jake doesn't stop by office hours like he usually does and for some odd reason, my mind races all over the place for an explanation.

Did I suck in bed? Was he just trying to fuck a professor? Did he overhear Kayden and freak out that I helped him out? Does he think I'm clingy and in love with him just because I did that? Is he no longer chasing me because I was nice?

By the time I get home and shower, I need to smoke a joint to slow down the mental marathon, and it isn't until I'm blasting "My Chemical Romance" and dancing in an oversized t-shirt when I feel a little bit of relief.

"Let bygones be bygones." I sigh to myself in the mirror, swaying to the slow rhythm. "You got one nice night of sex and now it's time to move on. Everything happens for a reason. I should be thankful I don't have to worry about him anymore. Yay."

As if I'm God's favorite toy to mess with, my phone rings with Jake's caller ID. I look up at the ceiling with a grimace, then answer.

"What do you want?" I say.

"Are you home?" His deep voice hitches my breath and I mentally punch myself.

"Why?"

"I want to see you."

"Why?"

"Mia."

"Booty call? Is your dick twitching for action?"

"What? Why would you think that?"

"I wouldn't blame you. I'd do me."

"Are you drunk?"

"No, for fuck's sake. Do I have to be drunk to appreciate myself?"

"I'm coming over."

"Of course you are."

There's an exasperated sigh on the other line. Or a growl. I don't know.

But it makes my pulse quicken and I hang up, thinking of how to gain the upper hand. I hate how easily he makes me lose myself.

Thirty minutes later when he knocks on my door, I take a deep breath and open.

His lips part and eyes widen as they rake over my body.

"Holy shit..."

I nonchalantly glance at my lace stockings attached with a garter belt, peeking behind a black silk robe with matching lingerie, before strutting to the kitchen.

"Just doing the dishes..."

I go back and turn the water on, grabbing a clean plate to rinse, ignoring how my hands shake as his slow steps follow behind me.

"I'm here to talk." His voice is serious and low.

"So talk."

He grabs my shoulders and turns me to face him. My back presses against the counter and my hips get pinned by his.

He eyes me dangerously and reaches his hand to shut the water off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing." I look down.

He lifts my chin with his finger and dips his head, making it impossible to look away.

"Tell me..."

"Nothing," I say more firmly, gripping the counter beside me.

"Why are you dressed like this?"

"Because I wanted to."

He makes a gruff sound as if to say 'I see' and drinks me in. The quiet intensity oozing from his tall frame makes my chest rise and fall. He finally looks back at my face, slightly amused at my flustered state.

"You want me to pull it out of you, don't you?" He states huskily, but all I do is scoff. "Alright."

I lose my breath when he quickly grabs me under my arms and drops me on the counter.

"You going to tell me what's wrong?" He spreads my knees apart and steps between them. When I don't respond, he cups my chin in one hand and hovers his mouth over mine. "Hm?"

I run my tongue over my lip and inch forward to kiss him, but in a second, he has his hand around my throat, shoving me against the cabinet.

"Did I say you can kiss me?" He watches me calmly as I gasp. "Or did I ask you a question?"

Before I can even respond, his free hand roams up my inner thigh and finds the scrap of lace that's already damp. I claw his wrist that's holding my neck and clench my legs, but it does nothing to stop him.

The forced submission shuts my mind. Every agony, tension and fear dissolve, unleashing me to float in safe powerlessness.

"Please..." I whisper, arching my neck to give myself to him.

"Please, what?" He cooes, pushing his thumb in my mouth. "Hm?"

I give it a bite and he pulls it out only to jerk me forward and bite my lower lip. I moan as his other hand tortures in slow, precise circles.

"Please... Jake..." I shiver, wrapping my legs and arms around him.

Just take over. Seize every demon lurking in my head and kill them. Make it impossible to focus on anything but this moment. Just release me. Please.

"You think you're in charge with your little outfit and attitude?" He unbuckles his pants and drops it on the ground. Yanks the robe off my shoulders and devours my neck, chest, kisses every inch with quenchless greed.

"No..." I whimper, burying my fingers in his hair.

"Who's in charge?" He pulls down my bra and gets rougher, making me cry out and shut my eyes in blissful white noise.

My legs tremble when he moves my underwear aside and slowly strokes himself against me.

"Who's in charge, baby?" He asks, eyebrows furrowed with sternness.

I moan angrily and fist his shirt to pull him close, but he seizes both wrists in one hand and chuckles at my attempt.

"Who's... in charge?" He pushes in a little, making my mouth water.

"You..."

He thrusts in and I scream.

"That's right."

~ A/N ~

For anyone who loves to analyze behavior, what do you think is going on with Mia here? Is it good or bad?

Do you see a connection between the 'Good Will Hunting' lecture and their behavior? Let me know!

If you like this chapter, give it some love <3