inspired by:

 Mayday Parade's

Miserable at Best

It hurts the most when I realized that something I treasured and found precious could disappear in a moment quicker than a second.

02.

He sighed, rubbing his face with the palm of his hands. The red hue already present on his face worsened. Taking in a deep breath, he spoke out the words in his head. The words he rehearsed again and again.

"Katie, I know." 

He kept his gaze straight on the mirror before him, imagining that, instead of his own reflection, Katie was there. 

"I..." 

 His throat burned as he saw that amazing smile of hers he fell for.

He extended his arm to touch her cheek that curved perfectly against his hand, but it fell flat on the mirror's surface. A small sob left him as he squatted on the ground. He drove his hand into his hair, trying to ease the ache in his head. 

"I can't say it." 

Why couldn't he say it?

"Hey, Matt?" Kyle's familiar voice echoed around the apartment, followed by deep thumps coming from the stairs.

Matthew quickly pushed himself off the ground and, with one swipe, wiped his tear-stained cheeks. "Yeah?" he croaked. He cursed silently for his voice's obviousness.

When Kyle entered the room, Matthew made himself busy by picking up all his used clothes on the floor. Making eye contact with Kyle would make the situation worse than it is. However, a heavy hand fell on his shoulder. Kyle spared him no mercy as he pulled Matthew, who stumbled a bit, from his cleaning.

Matthew ducked his head, but that was useless. He knew that the moment a groan of frustration left his friend. "Shut up, please," he uttered, turning away to continue his clean-up. Listening to his friend's lecture was not how he wanted to spend the remaining of his day.

"Get over her!" Kyle raised his voice, his brows pulled together as he frowned. "You still haven't talked to her? It's been more than a month, Matt. Two months. Two months." He ducked down, trying to make eye contact with Matthew. "That long since she's going around with some other idiot."

A guttural sound left Matthew as he turned the other way. "Shut up."

"Cut off all contacts with her, man. It's what's best for you."

He couldn't do that. Even if he tried, he couldn't. Matthew grimaced as that heart-wrenching pain returned. He wanted to be alone, sadly, leaving him alone was not in Kyle's options.

"She's an idiot for clinging on to someone else. You're an idiot for still clinging to her," said Kyle, extending his arms to Matthew who gazed wearily at him over his shoulder.

"I'm an idiot. I know." Matthew sighed in defeat, dumping his clothes to the hamper. "I'm an idiot," he mumbled more to himself.

A sigh from his friend made Matthew turn to Kyle who looked out his fogged-up window, the last light of day illuminating his face. "Call her."

Matthew's head perked up. No. Not yet.

Kyle glanced over his shoulder. "Call her. Tell her right now what you've been planning to tell her."

"Kyle," said Matthew weakly with a dropping body as he stepped up beside his friend, "I can't."

"I'm your closest friend. Do it for me." Kyle squared Matthew up despite his short stature. He raised his head, meeting his friend straight in the eyes. "Do it for yourself. She's not worth it."

To Matthew she was. She was worth everything. Every pain he felt, every piece of him that broke.

He kept eye contact with Kyle, his hope of having things as it used to be disintegrating. With a pained face and a broken heart, he dialed her number. He still memorized every digit.

Ring. Ring. Ring

His heart began to pace. His hands grew clammy. His guts twisted in every possible way they could. The feeling of wanting to vomit grew by the second.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

He locked his jaw as sadness clouded his features. Was he no longer important? Not even a bit? Not even for her to answer his call?

There was a small static on the other end of the line. "Matt?"

All air rushed out of his body as she continued to call out his name.

"Hello?" A nervous laugh followed. He knew her true and joyous laugh. This was not it. "You okay?"

He gulped, giving his friend a glance who was staring at him wide-eyed. "Hi, Katie." Matthew licked his dry lips that formed a pained smile. "Life here is hard without you." But he guessed that it was not the same to her.

She laughed once again, a forced one. "Same here."

Silence.

Matthew bit his bottom lip. Was that all she had to say? "What about you?" He chuckled. "Not going to talk about your day?"

"Nah, it'll bore you." He didn't care. He just wanted to listen to her. They used to talk for hours. "I'm in our Christmas party though."

There was a small static once again and Matthew narrowed his eyes as if he was there with her when he heard a male voice in the background. He couldn't understand what he was saying, and he didn't try to for Katie's angelic laugh distracted him.

That. That was the laugh he knew and loved. But...she wasn't laughing with him.

He squeezed his eyes shut, his hands clenched tight. "Katie."

"Caleb, shush." There was more mumbling as if she was trying to silence the person with her. "Yes?"

Caleb. The name set his blood boiling. The name he heard so much of. The name whose owner had made Katie happier.

"Call me when you're not busy."

Without waiting for her reply, he ended the call. When he turned away from the window, Kyle was no longer there.

­­­­

9:23 pm

Matthew's eyes were locked on the clock. Tick tock, the hours went by as he laid on his bed for her call. Was he too harsh? Was he too assuming? Was he too...jealous?

The thought of that was disappointing. He didn't want to be jealous. He didn't want to hate Caleb so bitterly. He didn't want him to be the source of her happiness. But...she seemed happier with him.

Her familiar laugh filled the silence of his apartment. "Katie here, Katie here..."

The blank expression on him disappeared to a smile. His ringtone was a voice recording of the both of them. They recorded that just before she left for college on a different university. He could still remember every second of that moment. How sweet she smelled, how beaming she was. Yeah, it was a cringey ringtone, but people knew nothing of the comfort that'd fill him when he'd hear her voice.

Not long after she left, miscommunications occurred between them. Fights would happen over the silliest things. Calls would end earlier than usual. Conversations would be empty. Still, he tried to make something out of it. Turned out, it was time to stop trying.

"...man right here is my man, loveable and irresistible creature right here, but stay away!" 

Her giggles followed along with his voice in the background.

"You're so silly..."

His smile faded in a second. She was with someone else.

Matthew sat up from his bed and planted his feet flat on the floor for the sake of feeling grounded. He gazed for a few seconds on her cheeky smile assigned as her caller ID before he slid to answer.

"Matt?"

"Katie," he tried to say without emotion. It was a good thing it wasn't a video call. His face would have betrayed his voice.

"Do you want to talk?"

"I love you." Those words used to leave him light, but now it left him with a heavy burden. A few moments of silence made him confirm, he no longer had a reply to that.

"Matt, what's going on?" The frustration in her voice worsened the pain of confirmation. "I love you too." 

She said it. She said it but it meant nothing to her.

"It feels so different," said Matthew in a joking manner. His hand that was gripping the edge of the bed tightened as the burn on his throat worsened.

"Matt, tell me what's going on? I'm alone, you can tell me anything. Come on..." Katie rambled on as Matthew stayed in silence.

"Katie," he said after a few moments, "I know."

This was it, the moment of truth, the painful one.

"Know what?"

He only wished she'd admit immediately. "Caleb." She became silent. He shook his head with a strained laugh. "Katie, let's not pretend you're actually alone tonight." 

I know he's there.

She stayed silent a little longer. "How did you – "

For all Matthew knew, they were probably having eye contact at that moment. Maybe this Caleb stared at her with love like he did.

"People," Matthew answered, thinking of how news spread around easily. "I'm not saying who." There were many who knew of her relation with someone else even before he knew.

Silence, silence as if he was in the midst of a funeral, a mourning silence.

As heavy as a down pour, Katie cried. It was static and muffled to Matthew, but he knew. "I'm sorry."

Matthew ducked his head, only realizing the wetness of his cheeks and the tears that fell on the ground.

"I'm sorry, Matt," Katie repeated. "I'm so sorry."

Her voice was muffled from her hand as she held back her cry. That was how she always cried. He still knew. He still remembered and he hated it.

Matthew let out a shaky breath as his chest tightened. He planted a hand on the area above his heart and gripped on his shirt tightly, letting his nails dig in. The pain was unbearable. It was the pain you couldn't touch. It was the kind of pain you couldn't do anything but leave it to break you.

He wanted to end the call right there and then but his body had different plans. 

"Why?" he asked with a thick voice. "What did he give that I couldn't? What did he give that made you take? Why is it that everything I could give was something you couldn't take?" His voice increased in every question.

Before he knew it, he was already standing in the middle of his room, shouting out all his questions. "I know Katie, and I wanted to end this. I wanted to end this so bad, but I can't. I'm not that strong, I know that! You know that." The other end was so silent he thought she had ended the call. "If you didn't feel the same way anymore, why didn't you just tell me?"

Her cry worsened. "I'm trying, Matt. I'm trying. I don't want us to end, but...I don't know."

He knew that too. Well, more of he hoped for it, for her to try. It made him a bit lighter to know that she did. However, this was the time, the time to let go.

"Katie, just let go."

There was no reply, but Matthew knew. He knew that she was thinking of how he would feel. That was his Katie.

"You've tried, now, just let go."

They both tried and it didn't work out. Her answer would be her decision and it pained Matthew that he already knew what she'd say. And he was right.

"Okay."

Matthew forced himself to smile. "Okay."

"Hey, you okay?" He heard another voice in the background. He didn't have to guess who it was. "You told me to stay away but..." Matthew pulled the phone away. He didn't want to hear someone else care for her like he did.

Katie's voice calling his name got Matthew to put the phone near his ear. "Caleb?"

"Yeah, he saw me crying." A small and empty laugh left her. "He's a big idiot, asked me to a dance."

Matthew took in a deep breath and looked around. Everything around him was dark, except for his lamp that slightly illuminated the room. This apartment was supposedly his house, but not his home. His home was a thousand miles away; it was the woman he was speaking to. The woman he was slowly letting go. For now, nothing else would feel like home.

"Your answer?"

"I said later."

The tight feeling returned once again, making Matthew raise his head to look at the blank ceiling. He inhaled deeply and exhaled, his lips forming a sad smile. 

"You wouldn't want to keep him waiting, do you?"

She chuckled. This time, it was real. It was real, but it was sad. "Goodbye, Matthew."

Matthew. Huh, hearing his complete first name leave her mouth was a punch to his gut. With an unconscious sharp intake of breath, he gave a quivering smile. "Goodbye, Katherine."

With that, the call ended.

A week had passed. A week since the call that ended a chapter with a span of six years in his life. The call that ended most of his plans in the future.

Matthew sat on the wooden stairs of his apartment, resting his head between the palms of his hand. Kyle sat beside him in silence, which was a miracle.

"You okay?" Kyle finally spoke.

"Yeah," said Matthew, lifting his head out of his palms, "just tired."

He spent three whole days without sleep.

He hated how he'd dream of Caleb's lips on her cheeks. 

He hated how he still missed the lips that made him fly.

For a whole week, he only laid in his bed. He spent his hours staring at the plain ceiling.

He didn't feel like reading.

He didn't feel like sleeping.

He didn't feel like existing in general.

However, some part of him did want to do something. It was a complicated feeling.

Matthew turned to Kyle who looked at him with narrowed eyes. For the first time in a long while, Matthew smiled a true smile. He lightly punched his friend on the shoulder. "I can live without her, man."

A grin appeared on Kyle and he jumped to his feet. "Finally!" he exclaimed. "Come on, let's hang out, and get you some fresh air. Your apartment stinks."

Matthew watched his friend dash down the stairs and out the door to get his car ready. A small smile stayed on his face, but it faded as quickly as it came. A conclusion he had drawn in the week after the last call kept echoing in his head.

I can live without you, Katie, but, without you...I'll be miserable at best.