CW: Gaslighting

I:

I remember my 8th grade graduation like it was yesterday. A bright day in June where we all stood inside a dark theater and looked for our parents in the audience. We walked up, took our diplomas, and returned to our positions as adults. I felt then that I was ready to conquer anything, and my parents told me the same. High school, they said, would give me freedom to do anything, absolutely anything, I ever wanted.

A few months later, my mom gave me some valuable words of advice that I've been turning over in my head ever since she dropped me off for my first day: "Everyone's as scared as you are. They may act like they're tough, but everyone will be as anxious and tired as you." That made me feel better. It really did. I had expected somebody to greet me when I left the car, maybe someone cheering or giving me an orientation packet, but all I saw were students working and walking around. They all looked very serious and intimidating, so I didn't want to disturb them in case the posters they were putting up were important, but I asked one of them where the theater was and she pointed me in the right direction, so at least that was that. That's another thing my mother told me: "There's no such thing as a stupid question."

I found a whole group of people standing in line outside the theater, and assumed they must have been my people. The new freshmen, just like me. They all had their paperwork, and I had thankfully remembered to bring mine (my mother wagged her finger at me that morning and said, "adults always remember to bring their paperwork!"), so I stood in the right line and slowly moved into the theater. I didn't even complain when they yelled at me or the other students. They yelled at me less, and even thanked me once, so I thought that was promising.

I knew that Heller's school colors were orange and black, but everyone wore gray. The teachers, at least, who were telling us what to do. I had not chosen a colorful outfit that day and was glad I fit in with them. I've heard it's always important to give a good first impression, so I went and did what I was told, and even went to sit in the back of the theater next to a kid in a suit. Anyone who dressed like that, I thought, needed more friends.

I don't remember all of what he said besides that it was very interesting. His name was Frank, he said and I gathered in the assembly, and he was in a way the person running the entire show. I thought the girl on stage leading the ceremony would have been the person in charge, but Frank said that she was only vice president. I almost didn't believe him until his face came up in the slideshow. There was one other thing I asked him during the presentation, I remember now. It was when they were explaining the ranking system, and I wanted to know why I was a Beta and not an Alpha. Frank told me that a Beta was still a very respectable rank, and did not seem to want to clarify until I asked again:

"Well, Harry, you're taking the wrong classes. We have little to judge new students on but what classes they signed up for, and this isn't it. A Beta is a respectable rank. We can all learn a lot from Betas. There are some very smart kids I know who are Betas. It's sad, but not everyone can be an Alpha."

"But that isn't fair," I said.

"Life isn't fair."

I thought, in that moment, that he had taught me a very valuable lesson. I was an adult now. I had responsibilities, and like the assembly said, anyone could pull themselves up by their bootstraps and become who they wanted to be. I thanked him once again when we left, and promised I would sign up for the club immediately.

II:

My mother had always worried I kept to myself too often. She never called me shy, but there was always this understanding that the world offered beautiful things and I chose to look inward. She had told me once, with another piece of useful maternal advice, to join clubs when I was in high school. To do activities. Anything at all that would put me with someone else. So I went to stand in line, with everyone else, waiting to get my club paperwork. I loved the weather that day. It was cold, vaguely foggy, and somewhat like San Francisco. I always had fond memories of visiting my grandparents there, and San Francisco was the sort of city where important people made things happen. It would be nice to be one of those important people, I thought.

I had gotten to chatting with another kid in line who was also a Beta and also new to the school. He asked me which class I had next period, offering himself that he was taking some sort of advanced Chinese class. I said I was taking an academic support class. It wasn't like that I truly wanted to take that class, or that my grades were low. It was something my mother had told me, that high school would be more difficult than middle school, and she had urged me to take the class without too much argument on my end. He sneered at me and said something about it hurting his social credit score to be seen with someone like me. I couldn't find the flaw in his reasoning.

I was glad, then, that we were both able to sign up for the club still. The club member who took my signature had said that even some Alphas did not wish to sign up for the club. They possessed none of the drive that we did. Betas were respectable, she said, and we would be good role models for even the Alphas. We could all learn a lot from Betas, and it made me feel better to know that maybe I would be teaching somebody else something. I puffed up my chest a little and straightened my posture, and I hoped somebody else would see me and think that I was a pretty good Beta.

I know I said I kept to myself often, but I've always enjoyed watching people go about their daily lives. I cared less what happened to me, sometimes, than what they were up to. During that first class, even as I participated during discussion, I tried my hardest to observe. The two seniors in the room were the highest ranks besides myself. Regina was a Beta, I heard, so I knew I could learn a lot from her. There was John, too, who did not seem to like Regina much. That must be because he was an Alpha and knew he was better than her. I was immediately envious of him in that moment. He looked awkward at times as he glanced about the classroom, and he always took an awkward few seconds to respond to Ms. Liu, but he was very intelligent. It was really hard to tell that just by looking at him, and if I did not know he was an Alpha, I would not have thought as much.

There were some other things too from class that day I tried to think especially hard about, knowing that if I wished to become the best person I possibly could, I would have to pay attention. I understood that the national anthem was important, as well as the Pledge of Allegiance. That was another thing my mother always told me to respect: our country. I was just a bit closer to being old enough to serve my country since I was in high school. The idea of using a gun or being in the military scared me, but it was a nice thought anyway. I asked John at the end of the period if he had any more advice for me about the club or anything. He offered one line from How To Be A Good Person that he said I would learn about a lot: "The future is only what we make today." I thought that was very wise, which I told him before leaving.

III:

Frank began the club meeting by saying it would largely be a repeat of what he had told people during previous years' first meetings, which disappointed me slightly because I liked excitement, but also made me happy because I would be caught up with everyone else. We were mostly Alphas and Betas, although there were a few Gammas that Frank said were to be treated with respect while we were in the club meetings. Gammas were better than Deltas and Epsilons, he said, which was very important. Gammas were average people, but they were also reliable. They stood by themselves in the corner of the room looking a bit scared, and I did not know what they had to be afraid of.

The girl next to me was also a Beta, and also a freshman, she said. I found that we had a lot in common. We were of similar height, both thought that Star Wars was the best film series of all time, and very rapidly I found myself growing attracted to her. I had asked which school she attended, since I did not think I had seen her before, and she said she attended a magnet school in our neighboring city. She said that she still lived in my town, and I innocently asked which part.

"If you know that housing complex with the large duck pond, by the water and the highway overpass, that's where I live. Beautiful little place."

"I pass by there on walks all the time!"

"No kidding! I love going on walks! We should go for a walk together," she said confidently.

"This afternoon?"

"5:30. After my practice. I'll see you then!"

"Oh, what's your name again?"

"Daisy," she said, and waved again at me with a smile nobody had given me before. I had barely thought it through before realizing that I had agreed to something I had not done even once in middle school. It felt good being a Beta, I thought, being able to do these sorts of things without anyone telling me no. It looked like Daisy knew Juliet somehow, so when they stopped talking I went to talk to Juliet too. It seemed the right thing to do.

"Do you know Daisy?" I asked. "Is there anything you could tell me about her?"

"Daisy... what a wonderful name. I'm sure she was p-p-paralyzed with happiness to meet you," Juliet said.

"Paralyzed with happiness?"

"Daisy's a character from a book, you see, The Great Gatsby. And that's something she said. You might read the book someday."

"What's it about?"

"There's this hero, Gatsby, who really wants something. He wants this girl, Daisy, he met long ago. But society around him refuses to give him anything but wealth. It's a very corrupt society, really, not something anyone would want to be a part of. But he pretends to go along with it all, every day secretly pining for what he truly wants. It's a very deep book."

"Why wasn't it listed in How To Be A Good Person?"

"Frank didn't think of it," she said suddenly, and she looked very much like she wanted to change the subject.

"So what about our Daisy?"

"She's on the cheer team. You're both Betas, you share common interests, item 19 is more of a rough rule of thumb than anything, it will be splendid. Thanks again, Harry," she said, looking at my nametag for a reminder. I thanked her too and left. I didn't even know what item 19 was, but I trusted it was important. After all, she was an Alpha.

I think I learned a lot from that club meeting, and it made me look at everything else a bit more pleasantly too. It's like I understood the posters more now that I knew what went into them, and that it was all not too bad at all. None of my classes had anything to do with Alphas or Betas, but I think my teachers looked at me more fondly because of my rank, and I wanted nothing more than to live up to that standard. Not everyone could be an Alpha, but after that club meeting, there was nothing I wanted more.

IV:

My mother was surprised to hear that I had found a friend so soon, and that I was going to meet them immediately, but I think she was happy anyway.

"She's a Beta," I said. "Betas are very respectable. We could all learn a lot from Betas."

"That's very nice, Harry. Don't forget your sunscreen."

"I won't, mom. See you later!" I said in return, and I had left very quickly before she could say anything else.

When I had turned the corner off my street on the route to where Daisy lived, I saw a car driving up slowly that had a familiar face. John pulled over to the side of the road and rolled down his window.

"You live here?" he asked, pointing vaguely in the direction of my house. I asked him the same question, and he nodded.

"You must live one street down from me. It's a nice neighborhood," he said. "What are you doing out this late? Going for a walk?"

"I'm meeting a friend," I said. "From the club. Her name is Daisy and she's a Beta. We have a lot in common."

"They had been walking down the street when the leaves were falling. At his lips' touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It's a quote from The Great Gatsby. Daisy's a character, you see, from the novel. It means something special to me, you see, that quote—you'll see one day. I'm sorry for disturbing you. Enjoy your walk," he said, and he continued driving. If he weren't an Alpha, I would have assumed he said something meaningless. But I knew that Alphas were wise, and I thought that there must have been some meaning in what he said.

It was only five or so minutes to where Daisy lived, and I made the journey hurriedly. Both because good people walked quickly and the pedometer in TigerTalk reminded me to move quickly, and because I didn't think I had ever been this excited for any moment in my life. The leaves were falling from the trees, so John was right.

Daisy wore sunglasses, a thin sweater, and jeans, and greeted me with a hug before I could say anything in return.

"The weather is nice today," she said before I could think of anything intelligent to say.

"I agree. Where should we go?"

"The park across the dim sum restaurant," she suggested, and we walked together quickly, trying to maintain our fifteen-minute walking pace. Our hands occasionally touched as we walked, but by accident, and I thought that there was something unique about the moment which I could not put words to. I wish I remembered everything we had talked about, but it all went by very quickly. One thing I do remember is that we talked about our assigned reading. This reminded me that Juliet had mentioned item 19, and I asked Daisy if she remembered which it was.

"It's more of a rough rule of thumb than anything," she explained, and she admitted she had forgotten exactly what it was, only that its existence was not an obstacle to the present moment. We knew it was our duty as good people to learn together, so Daisy pulled out her little red book that had all the rules in it, and we turned to item 19.

"That's hilarious," she said, and I forgot then what I was about to say in return, although I don't think it was that. "Where's your copy of How To Be A Good Person?"

"I left it at home."

"It's lucky that I had mine. We always need to be prepared."

We stayed a few more minutes at the park before returning, and I said goodbye to Daisy where we had met. She gave me another hug then, and I assumed that was simply what she found normal. I spent the walk back thinking that I had learned a lot that day about how to become a better person, and that I liked her very much.

V:

As much as I enjoyed the club meetings very much, especially because Daisy was there and she too enjoyed them, I was increasingly under the impression that there was something cultish about the club. Regina had told me that once in a hushed tone, and I had listened to her.

"Why do you not attend the meetings?" I asked her.

"Everything about this is propaganda. You see the posters and the security cameras and everything? A good kid like you shouldn't be caught up in all this."

"I enjoy the club meetings. I learn a lot from them."

"I'm warning you, Harry, this is not who you want to be."

Immediately after that conversation, I was beginning to wonder if Regina was right. Conveniently enough, as I left the classroom, I saw Daisy walk up to me again from the distance, where it seemed like she was just talking with Juliet, probably about cheer stuff. I had told her again in a hushed tone what Regina had said, but in a way to make it sound like I had no personal opinion on the matter.

"That simpleton!" she said, and grabbed my arm and dragged me to a corner. "You cannot listen to what people like Regina tell you. She lies. There is nothing cultish about the club—it's a legitimate social activity. The posters said so."

Daisy said that with such confidence that I immediately believed her. I remembered that I had accidentally said something similar to what Regina said to me to John, and he had told me not to worry, and I regretted not listening to him then. So even if the club was a cult, it was also good, and I knew that was a detail good people did not concern themselves with.

Speaking of Daisy, our relationship had progressed very quickly from just being friends. We enjoyed that one walk so much that we made it somewhat of a daily habit, where we would always meet and walk somewhere and talk about our classes and the lectures. One day we were sitting at a bench, and I stood up first and offered her my hand to help pull herself up. We liked that so much we kept holding hands as we walked, and I had known then that I had made the right decision in joining the club. This was about two weeks from the start of the school year, I think, so it was still very soon. I had never made a decision that quickly before.

During the club meeting that day, I went to talk to Juliet privately again, both to tell her about Regina and to ask for her blessing with Daisy and myself.

"Daisy? Ah yes, she told me. Item 19 is no concern at all. You make a wonderful couple. It's good to see our club members socializing with each other and not others. I hope you've enjoyed your walks," she said, and I think I saw Juliet then happier than I had seen her before. I was not thinking about ourselves as a couple at that moment, actually, but I quite liked the term.

That afternoon, I told my mom that I had a girlfriend, and that she was a Beta, and that she was exceedingly nice.

"I'm glad you're making friends, Harry. She sounds like a gem. What's her name again?"

"Daisy," I said. "Like The Great Gatsby."

"I haven't read that book since high school. Are you reading it in school?"

"No, but I've been told it's an important book."

"It is," she said declaratively, and I waved her goodbye and went to meet my girlfriend.

VI:

When I arrived home from school, I saw there was a package waiting on the porch with my name on it. The only times there were packages and letters addressed to me, they were birthday cards or presents, and since it was not my birthday, I was very excited to see what was inside. I unpacked it in the living room and saw two suits, a few polo shirts, some ties, a pair of shoes, and other formal clothing that I had only worn to funerals before. My mom came immediately to look and see what was there, and she asked me if I had ever tied my own tie before.

"Your dad can teach you when he comes home from work," she suggested, and went immediately to get some clothes hangers.

"They put an instructional video on TigerTalk," I explained, and my mom said that was very thoughtful of them. Daisy told me her clothes had arrived too, and we both thought it would be fun to wear them on our walk, to break them in.

"Why is there this new dress code now?" my mom asked.

"It is important to dress for success," I explained. "Good clothes mean good character, and I want to become an Alpha, so it is even more important I dress properly."

"You are becoming a very responsible young man!" she said, and I beamed with delight.

Daisy said my outfit was cute when she saw me, and I said the same of her. That was one thing it took me a while to get used to, complimenting her directly, and I was thankful she was direct in saying things like that to me first. I still remembered exactly what she wore when we went for our first walk, and she had the same sunglasses now as she did then, but her black-and-white outfit now seemed more professional.

"I'm really glad I have someone like you to talk with all the time," she said at some point. "Everyone else I try to talk with outside the club is so dull and immoral."

"What about your cheer team?"

"I don't like any of them. Juliet and I are the only high-ranking people there. Juliet has taught me a lot, you know. She's the cheer captain, and even more importantly, she's an Alpha. We can all learn a lot from Alphas."

"We can learn a lot from Betas too," I added, trying to contribute something more.

"Juliet said once that I reminded her of her younger self. That was the best compliment I've ever received. We even look similar, don't you think?"

"Juliet is right, as always. But what about when I compliment you? Don't you like that more?"

"Not really. I think in life, one should always aspire to become something greater. That's what we learn in the club, after all. The future is only what we make today. She acts as my mentor and gives me advice on things. Who do you have? Is there someone you look up to?"

"My mom gives me the best advice. I know I can always count on her."

"Has she read How To Be A Good Person?"

"I don't think she has, no. I let her borrow my little red book once, but I don't think she looked at it. It was still sitting on my coffee table when I came back."

"Hmm. That's worrisome. You should find another mentor at Heller. John lives near you, right? He's an Alpha and a friend of Juliet's. You can ask him for advice. That would be great."

I had never thought about it being concerning that my mom hadn't read How To Be A Good Person, but when Daisy said it, it made sense. A lot of things made more sense when Daisy said them, I think because she was always so confident in what she said, and because I knew that it had the backing of the club when she said it. I was never the best student, although I tried my hardest to keep up with things, but Daisy was always strong. I didn't know what she saw in me beyond a fellow club member, but she still liked me very much, and I liked her as well.

The following Monday, the first day of the dress code, I felt more confident than I did before because I had already had a day to practice walking and everything. I even tied my own tie. There was something beautiful in everyone being dressed the same, and it only occurred to me during class, when that simpleton Regina was whining about the dress code, that this was something only the most special of high schoolers could dream of doing.

VII:

Later that day, during a passing period, I ran into Ms. Baldwin while she was waiting for another teacher to finish what they were doing, and we talked a little. She was one of my favorite teachers, even though she never talked about How To Be A Good Person or anything like that, and I knew too that she was very respectable. Listening to our teachers was important, we were always told at the club, even if they did not participate directly in our hierarchy. John had mentioned once that he had Ms. Baldwin when was a freshman, so I asked her if she remembered him:

"Ah yes, John and Regina. Those were some exciting times. Did he mention that they knew each other freshman year?"

"John would never mention that he was friends with a Beta."

"Oh, this was even before How To Be A Good Person was written. Regina had this huge, huge crush on John, and he was completely clueless about it for the majority of fall semester. Even after she told him how she felt, he never quite warmed up to the idea, no matter what I said to him. A lot of people would remember this. You could even ask your esteemed vice president."

The idea that John and even Regina had some sort of other life before they joined the club fascinated me, and I asked again for more information:

"John never mentioned that Regina liked him. Do you think that's why they don't get along that well these days?"

"I know only what Ms. Liu tells me. But I really don't think John is the sort to hold grudges like that. He's always been more moral than that. That's one thing I've always respected about him—it's rare to find a kid who, even without knowing, sticks to virtue."

"But I thought it was important to hold grudges for things like that?" Ms. Baldwin's expression went flat, I think because she realized what I was saying, and she shook her head:

"We're all entitled to our own opinions. But I think that John is a great role model for you, and I hope you two get to know each other better. It's always nice when freshmen develop friendships with upperclassmen. You remind me of him, in some ways."

"Unlike John, I have a girlfriend," I laughed, and Ms. Baldwin too thought this was funny.

"And what does How To Be A Good Person say about that? I thought item 19 was written because of John and Regina, if you ask me."

"Item 19 is more of a rough rule of thumb than anything, Ms. Baldwin. That's what I'm told." I left after saying that, thinking I had made my point clear, and immediately I wondered if I had handled something in that conversation improperly. It felt wrong to question a teacher. They were in charge for a reason. Even Frank listened to his teachers, I knew. But on the other hand, there was this beautiful casual informality in our little conversation that I really appreciated, too. I didn't know how many years Ms. Baldwin had taught high school, but I suspected even more years than I'd been alive. I could not argue with such wisdom.

We were always told in club meetings to not think about the past too much. The past was prologue to the exciting present, we were told, and the present led to the future because the future was what we made today. When John and Regina were in their freshman year, I was only in sixth grade. That was a long time ago, definitely, and I don't think my sixth grade self would have appreciated too much what I was up to in the present. Maybe the bit about having a girlfriend, but I didn't really think about that then, either. And even on my first day of high school, when I was trying to imagine what could be, even before I knew the sacred responsibility I would receive to marshal in a brighter future, I didn't think about that then. If Daisy had not been so eager to get to know me, or do anything along those lines, odds are she would simply be a dream I thought about occasionally.

I could see then why we were told not to think about the past. The past was depressing, with failed romances, failed tests, and embarrassing memories. So I resolved then to not think too much about what Ms. Baldwin had told me. People always changed, and maybe Regina was always a bit of a harlot, but John was always upstanding and virtuous. That was just how people were.

VIII:

Surely everyone knows about what happened at the rally, so I will spare you those details. It was proof, really, that only a lucky few are able to become better people. I knew that I could not talk with Regina afterward in class, although our casual chats were always infrequent because she was a harlot and an enemy of the people. When I saw Daisy again that afternoon, she looked very tense. Clearly the rally had disturbed her.

"It's so stupid that you have to see Regina during class all the time. That's not fair. I can't believe they let her keep her position mentoring freshmen."

"Free speech is important to the school, or at least to Ms. Liu. Regina's never done anything wrong during class, I think. She talks with the Epsilons a lot, but that's her job."

"How do you know Regina has done nothing wrong during class? Do you remember everything she's ever said?"

I thought that was kind of a silly argument, but Daisy meant it sincerely, and how could I disagree with her? Maybe the argument wasn't silly after all. I had no way of remembering everything that Regina had said during class when she walked around and checked our homework. Maybe she did say something bad after all. She held my hand a bit more strongly than usual and looked into my eyes. I couldn't say no. Daisy was right.

"I guess I can't remember. If she's an Epsilon, undoubtedly she's said a lot of bad things. You can't trust Epsilons to say the right things. That's why it's our responsibility to help them grow. Teach them lessons. It makes sense that Epsilons talk with Epsilons. You're right."

"Epsilons should stick to their own kind," Daisy said, and I nodded approvingly. We held hands again as we walked, and I felt a deep sense of relief. It was good to know that somebody had my back.

Even as we talked more, occasionally mentioning what happened at the rally like the other hadn't been there and needed to relive the historical moment, I thought back to the one memory I had of Regina saying something interesting to me. I knew I shouldn't have listened to her because she was an Epsilon saying nasty Epsilon things, but there was some reason why her calling the club propaganda resonated with me. It resonated enough that I had told John, and then the others, and I learned that I had done a noble thing by revealing Regina's traitorous tendencies. I think my doubt was more because of guilt, more than anything else. My mom had always told me I had a good head on my shoulders, and I felt bad about tattling on Regina. If you had asked me a year ago if a good person tattled on their classmates, I'd have said no. The answer would have been obvious. But that was before I knew the proper way of doing things and I had seen the light. It was always right to tattle on my classmates.

I had liked that feeling of being surrounded by like-minded peers so much that I signed up for a club field trip. Daisy had told me that when we were at the park that day:

"It's not enough to attend the club meetings, Harry. We need to be living like good people all the time. That's why it's so great we're able to talk to each other like this on our walks. We're going to Stanford. I'm told it's going to be quite scenic, and we're even going to meet some professors there who want to talk to us. Surely you will come."

"What day is that?"

"Sunday."

"I was going to go bowling with a friend from middle school. I haven't seen him in a while."

"That can wait. I'll be there. You will come on Sunday—my dad can even give you a ride to Heller with me."

"I will see you on Sunday then."

When I came back, I told my mom I was going on a field trip that Sunday. It was very exciting, I said, to visit Stanford with my friends and learn the secrets to success.

"What about going bowling?"

"When did I say I was going bowling on Sunday?"

"That must have been another weekend or something," she said, and we left it at that.

IX:

Daisy's dad drove a Tesla, and I think that was the first time I'd ever been in one. I told him this and he laughed loudly, saying that we were going to see so many Teslas when we got to Stanford. Daisy and I sat in the back so we could talk together, and I remarked to her that this was the first time I'd seen any of her parents:

"They're somewhat traditional about this sort of thing, you know, being boyfriend and girlfriend, but when I told them you were a Beta like me and Juliet thought we had a harmonious relationship, they were happy enough that they didn't complain. They think it's good I've made such a good friend, especially when it's hard to find good role models elsewhere."

"What does Juliet know about our relationship? I feel like I see you two talk a lot. I admit I always get a bit anxious when I think others are talking about me."

"She gave me a lot of advice on how to develop a good relationship with you. Little tips and tricks, like when physical contact was appropriate and the secret to flattery—good people give each other undue compliments, but they can give each other due compliments too. I hadn't really thought about a relationship at all that first day when I suggested we walk together—it was a spontaneous thing—but she encouraged me to try and become special friends with you. She made it sound like a good idea, and she was right. We should always listen to Alphas."

"Do you think that if she hadn't told you to become special friends with me, that you'd have pursued this independently?"

"I don't think I would have—I didn't know that item 19 was a rough rule of thumb until she told me that. I definitely wouldn't have gotten that message with how it was phrased, but it's on me that I couldn't tell. But she was right, all along, and do you know what? She said that she tells Frank about us too, and that she wants to uphold us as model club citizens. How cool is that?"

"Do you know if Juliet is dating anyone? Sometimes I think she has a crush on Frank with how she talks with him."

"Frank would never have a relationship with anyone—don't forget item 19!"

"But how come we are exceptions to this and Frank isn't?"

"That's what I assume anyway—I'm sure it makes sense. But you're right, I do think Juliet and Frank would make a good couple. We're like miniature versions of them."

"How are we miniature versions of them?"

"Juliet said so."

We talked a bit more, and then we arrived at Heller, where we quickly boarded the bus Frank had hired to take us to Stanford. We had a good mix of Alphas and Betas, but I don't think anyone was thinking too much about who was an Alpha and who was a Beta. We all knew that Betas were very respectable, anyway, so we didn't question it too much.

When we were walking around Stanford in our group, I noticed that all the college students kept looking at us very strangely. We were the only people dressed formally, that was true, but what I didn't understand was why if Stanford students were so smart, why they weren't dressed like us. This was an interesting contradiction to me because I knew that all good people dressed formally. And I wondered why we were being taken on a tour of a school with such sinful students who couldn't respect that. Daisy was busy talking to Juliet again, so I went to ask John, who was with us:

"The dress code is a policy that Frank and Juliet invented, it's not a national standard. You could go to Harvard and not see anyone wearing a suit. Even if you went to Long Island, where Gatsby lived, you might not see anyone dressed like we are."

"So we are national leaders then, and eventually everyone will copy us?"

"If you choose to look at it that way, Harry. Perhaps we aren't here to learn from them, we're here so they can learn from us. I see Stanford as a night scene by El Greco: a hundred houses, at once conventional and grotesque, crouching under a sullen, overhanging sky and a lustreless moon."

"What does that mean, John?"

"It's another quote from The Great Gatsby. I think there's something impure about society here, the aura of the entire place. I find it a bit creepy, now that I think about it. I don't like how there's something that's challenging how I think when I walk around here. I don't know if you heard, but one of the professors asked me what happened to our high school experience. He's an old guy, probably went to high school before our parents did, but he had this wistful tone of voice like he was remembering something great. And that made me wonder, too, if I could say I was remembering something great, or just boring reality."

"I love my high school experience so far. It feels like I'm part of something special. The future is only what we make today, after all."

"The future is only what we make today," he agreed, and we continued. It made me feel better about walking around Stanford that I had something more than them. They were older, for sure, and I knew to respect my elders, but I don't think I could say they were good people like I was.

X:

I don't remember through which coincidence I had come to talk with Frank about my course planning. We were at school, definitely, and I think we just happened to be walking in opposite directions in the hallway when we saw each other. I could say that a lot happened in those few months since my last recap, as we approached our exams, but very little of it concerned me, so I thought little of it. But anyway, there I was, and there was Frank asking me questions:

"So I heard you're in that academic support class with Regina, right? Does that concern you at all how you're taking advice from an Epsilon?"

"I try not to think about it too much. She's an Epsilon, but she knows how to do algebra and write essays better than I can, so I take her advice on that and ignore the rest. We can't do without Epsilons, as you always teach us. We all work for each other."

"What do you think of her as a person? Don't you hate her? Doesn't she irritate you?"

"I can't say I like her very much, but I don't think I hate her. She doesn't try to disturb me too much because she's very focused on academics only. We don't talk about other things."

"But she's an Epsilon. Surely that bothers you. It should bother you because you're a Beta, on the verge of being an Alpha, and you can't be seen being sympathetic to an Epsilon."

"Well, it's not ideal, but I don't know if it's really to the level of bothering me."

"Juliet! Daisy!" Frank yelled behind him, and out of nowhere they came walking. Juliet and Daisy had very similar outfits that day, and I could suddenly see what they meant when they said Daisy was a miniature version of Juliet.

"What do you think of Regina?" Frank asked them.

"Disgusting."

"Harlot."

"Slut."

"Wretch."

"Idiot."

"Loser."

"Scum."

"So I was talking to Harry about his academic support class, and I was just thinking that he should transfer out. He can't be seen so frequently with an Epsilon. What do you two think?"

"Epsilons are bad influences. We can't be seen with Epsilons."

"Tom and Regina are the two worst people on campus. Nobody can match how reprehensible they are."

"Regina dresses like a whore all the time. Such a bad role model."

"I heard once that Regina had juice at a party."

"Regina's trying to seduce you, Harry. You can't listen to her."

I saw something then in Daisy that I'd never seen before. That wasn't the first time I've seen her angry. One thing I liked about her was that she had strong opinions and showed strong emotions, and cared passionately about important issues. But there was something different when looking at her now, and knowing the person she was denouncing had helped me just a few hours prior with a worksheet. It was like she was ready to act on that anger, not merely talk about it. She and Juliet were talking simultaneously, still shouting evil things about Regina, and slowly it seemed like other people I recognized from the club were coming to join in.

"I think you're right, Frank. Regina was always a terrible person. I should have never trusted her. How do I leave the class?"

At once the crowd fell silent, when it became clear that I had agreed with them and that I always had. Frank pulled out his phone, pressed a few buttons, and turned to me with a smile:

"The deed is done. Send my regards to Ms. Liu when next you see her. She was always one of the good ones." Frank and Juliet walked away, leaving me with Daisy. She gave me a big hug, then kissed me lightly on the cheek. At once she blossomed like a flower, and the incarnation was complete. I checked my phone again, out of habit, and saw a notification.

"You have been promoted to: ALPHA."

I shed a tear, and Daisy looked at me expectantly. Nothing so exciting had ever happened to me before, I said, and I showed her my phone screen, and she was clearly moved too. She checked her phone too, and as it turned out, she received an identical message. We both cheered, and walked hand in hand to the Alpha grass. We had always looked at where they sat with a bit of envy, and we had always told each other that one day, we'd sit there. There was one time where John was sitting there and he invited us to come sit, but we politely refused, knowing it was not our place. While Betas were very respectable, they were not as respectable as Alphas.

"You know, Harry, I was ready to break up with you then and there if you had chosen to stay with Regina. I'm serious. But deep down inside, I knew you would make the right decision."

Again, Daisy spoke with that severity that I had only seen that day and no time else. Our relationship had been so perfect from day one that I had never thought about it possibly ending. There was no reason for it to end. We were always together, always happy, always in love. It was fate, really.

"Let's never speak of it again," I said, and she agreed. It was far easier to say that I had always disliked Regina and I had never seen something respectable in her. The past was prologue, as I always said. I resolved to bury that past, immature version of myself who would have given Regina some decency. That Harry knew nothing. He wasn't sitting with Daisy at his side, looking at the school with new eyes, ready for whatever came next. When I was just with Frank and the others, making that momentous decision and admitting what I had already known, I had made the future happen. Now, I was in the present, and there was nothing else.

I remember in one of Frank's speeches, I think the day after that, he had asked us all to consider our idea of a personal hell. I didn't know how to think about that because everything in my life was so perfect. But he had given us this interesting line: "Hell could be anything, even suburbia," and he wanted us to think about why he suggested that as an answer for what hell could be. And I agreed with him suddenly. Hell was suburbia, what we lived in every day when we left school and the company of good people. People did nasty things there. They drank bubble tea, they vaped, they lied, they did all those sinful things we had rooted out at Heller. Only Epsilons did those things, and they were discovered quickly. Nobody drank bubble tea, vaped, or lied at Heller. And I saw then what we were fighting for in blinding clarity, that we were meant to spread our beliefs all over, to places like Stanford even. I saw then, too, what John found so disgusting in that place, and even thinking about it made me angry. Heller was heaven, and suburbia was hell. I had always known that. It was obvious from the beginning.

The future is only what we make today.

Discussion Questions:

How would you describe the tone of this chapter, and what clues are there that there's something more sinister afoot than what seems to be a love story on the surface?

How much of Harry's shift in behavior this chapter is him being manipulated by Daisy and the others, and how much of it is his genuine interest in the club?

Throughout the chapter, characters compare Harry and Daisy to Frank and Juliet. How accurate is this comparison?