"Heller Returns To Good Old-Fashioned Values"

After a majority vote in the student council, Heller has adopted a new framework for enforcing discipline and student harmony. The main difference from previous years involves a new student ranking system, enforced by Heller's new student management tool, TigerTalk. Talented senior Jason Wu, who designed this app, weighs in: "TigerTalk is designed to run more efficiently than previous grade monitoring software we used, while also incorporating more functionality. We can identify threats to the school and other students before they know they're in danger—it's kind of like the movie Minority Report, if you get what I mean. While I understand that some students are naturally concerned about having the school monitoring their activities, they have nothing to worry about. Big Brother is definitely not watching them."

This new student ranking system draws inspiration from many sources, including traditional values and How To Be A Good Person. Juliet Wong, How To Be A Good Person Club and ASB vice president, explains the influence How To Be A Good Person had on designing the new student code of conduct: "We believed this was an extremely logical system that was most importantly fair to the students. Before, punishments were quite unintuitive, but now we believe everything will be easy for students to follow. Drinking bubble tea on campus is punishable by suspension now—and that policy is directly inspired by How To Be A Good Person. Everything is extremely intuitive now. There is no reason to panic. I am happy; every student will be happy. I understand that some students have had conflicts with the club before, but that is due to their own weakness and not any fault on our part. I am confident that we can work together to make Heller great again." English teacher Tiffany Liu concurs: "We have always been at peace with How To Be A Good Person Club. We have never been at war with How To Be A Good Person Club."

*image with caption: Nicholas Williams, Epsilon, stands in stocks built by the Advanced Engineering class in the central courtyard while the Morality Police denounce him.*

Student punishments are designed to be proportionate to the severity of the crime and act as deterrents to other wannabe anarchists; for more detailed information, please read the crime blotter on page four. To assist in proper enforcement, the Morality Police have formed as a volunteer group to helpfully remind students about correct conduct. Students with questions are urged to look for anyone wearing red armbands emblazoned with the Heller Tiger. Senior Madeline Chen, who is also the senior class president, shares her thoughts on this new student-driven activism group: "I do... support the Morality Police. They are... colossal... resources... that... help... Heller... and... ensure... freedom of speech... Everyone agrees that the Morality Police is the [best] idea Heller has ever had."

"Waterfront Pavilion Back To School Deal"

Come enjoy traditional dim sum exactly like you'd get in Hong Kong!

Alphas get 25% off; Betas get 10% off

Epsilons will be denied service

"Ten Fun Facts You Didn't Know About The Student Council!"

1. Behrooz has a side hustle as a DJ—you can catch DJ Ghorbani DJing kids' birthday parties, doing the sound work for local community theaters, or at your local senior center!

2. One time Alan found a puppy on the street and returned it to its owner; he was so happy he cried (not Alan, who is far too strong to ever cry, the owner).

3. Juliet has a pet goldfish named Vardaman, who's named after a character from William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. Even though Juliet has never read the book, she informs us that she was told this was a very intellectual name. The Insight editorial staff unanimously agree this is reflective of Juliet's intellect.

4. Juliet's favorite vacation she's ever taken was to Cancun with her family; there, she did not think about the privilege inherent in staying at a luxury resort, but chose instead to think fondly about the waiter who brought her an extra virgin piña colada on the house. While Juliet did not remember this waiter's name, she's pretty sure it started with an R.

5. As hard as it is to believe that Frank's talents are not limitless, he has admitted he struggles with grisaille painting, and does not always receive A+ on every assignment.

6. Behrooz's dream is to go into the luxury car business, and when asked, he neither confirmed nor denied a connection to his masculine sense of insecurity or his familial privilege.

7. Did you know Frank is a polyglot? Frank speaks Chinese, and promises that he's eavesdropped all the times you've gossiped about him thinking he wouldn't understand.

8. Alan is an eligible bachelor, and welcomes all inquiries. Feel free to contact him at [email protected] if you, too, are hopeless (Editorial correction: we apologize. The correct phrase is "hopeless romantic.")

9. Juliet keeps a journal, and recommends it as a self-care practice. The Insight endorses this practice, and recommends you do not bring your journal to school in case any of the Morality Police randomly select you for a backpack inspection after you have left rough drafts of newspaper articles critical of the school administration in your school Google Docs account.

10. Frank has assisted in writing all these facts, and has promised us we will face no official or unofficial consequences for doing so.

Discussion Questions:

How specifically does the Insight article make fun of Heller? What do we learn from the satire about how things are going?

Does anything in the article cross a line as being too mean, or do you think they're justified in the personal attacks?

Why would Frank have endorsed such a negative article? Do you think his fellow councilmembers share his sense of humor here?