¤ All the King's Horses
Karmina ↲

I knock the ice from my bones
Try not to feel the cold
Caught in the thought of that time
When everything was fine, everything was mine
Everything was fine, everything was mine

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

There was a flurry of movement as the Jeons made their way to Juyeon's room. Doctors walking purposefully, families going to visit loved ones, patients being rolled on gurneys. And through it all, Jungkook passed by in a daze.

He had no thoughts left. All that remained in Jungkook's head was a blurred awareness. He was seeing but not processing, hearing but not listening. All his energy faded away and he felt like a shell of a human.

Maybe he was overreacting. Sure, that was completely possible. But he couldn't explain the heavy dread pooling in his stomach, the sixth sense signaling how wrong this situation seemed to him.

This wasn't Taehyung.

Jungkook didn't know what else to do at this point. He searched the university and the apartment, searched on the internet to see if there were any bad accidents in the area. But there was nothing.

He even considered the possibility of Taehyung's parents being involved. The elder told him how livid his father was, and since the man was known to be abusive, could that be a possibility? Literally anything could've happened and he'd have no idea. Taehyung might be locked up somewhere right now, calling out for his help.

He wanted to contact the police, though his parents encouraged him to wait a little longer. They explained the harsh reality of reporting a missing person when that individual was over the age of eighteen - unless there was proof that this was an involuntary disappearance, the police couldn't do much right away. They'd just file paperwork. He agreed to give it to the end of the day. Then, no matter what anyone said, he was going to call.

This was the love of his life. He was going to do whatever he could to find Taehyung and bring him home.

They must have gotten to Juyeon's room because his parents suddenly stopped walking. Jiho and Jaewoo were speaking with a woman in scrubs, and based on the nature of the conversation, it sounded like she was a member of the transplant team.

A little belatedly, Jungkook figured it'd be important to hear what she was saying.

" . . . the coordination of the transplants added some additional time to the procedure, though everything went well. The donor kidney was healthy and Juyeon did great during surgery. We'll want to keep her here for a couple of nights for observation, then she'll be free to go home. I'll have my team schedule follow up visits so we can make sure everything is working as expected. Then, we'll go from there. Do you have any outstanding questions at this time?"

Jungkook's parents asked a multitude of questions, inquiring about medication dosages and postoperative care. Most of the information was similar to when Juyeon had her first transplant, but Jiho and Jaewoo wanted to make sure they knew all the fine details.

Before the doctor left them to see Juyeon, Jiho said she had one last question, but wasn't sure if the doctor could answer for legal reasons. "Did the donor's surgery go okay? We . . . We were never given any information about him or her . . . I'd love to thank them, if possible."

The doctor smiled warmly, understanding on her face. "Yes, the donor's surgery went very well. She's recovering now with her family. Those are her parents there . . . I'll see if they'd be willing to meet you."

Jungkook turned his head in the direction the doctor was looking. Sure enough, there was a couple - looking similar in age to his parents - speaking with another doctor outside of one of the recovery rooms. He made eye contact with the woman and nodded his head politely and in silent thanks. She bowed her head in return, a small smile on her lips.

The Jeons thanked the doctor once more before crowding into Juyeon's room. And even though this wasn't the first time she had this surgery, it was the first time Jungkook was seeing her directly after.

When he donated his kidney a year ago, he was so loopy coming off the anesthesia that he didn't remember where he was let alone be able to check in on his sister. By the time he came out of his daze, Juyeon was already talking and joking with their parents.

But this time it was different. This time, he was seeing her fresh out of surgery.

Juyeon was still asleep, eyes closed and breathing peacefully. There was a drain peeking out from her stomach, which the doctor explained was to help remove extra fluid that built up during the surgery. There were multiple tubes in her arms and machines hooked up to her, a faint beeping noise adding white noise to the room.

And even though Jungkook knew she was okay, that the surgery went well, seeing his little sister like this made his eyes well up. All his life, he placed the greatest value on being the best big brother possible. He promised to protect Juyeon from everything he could and to give her the world.

But then she got sick and suddenly everything was out of his control. He had no power to do anything but stand back and watch, wishing and praying that she'd get better. He never felt so useless.

And then he had the opportunity to donate his kidney, to give her a second chance at life. It was then he understood his life's purpose; this was the reason he was put on earth, this was his calling all along. His dream had always been to be the best big brother possible and this was his chance to be just that.

There was no doubt about it in his mind: His destiny was to save his sister's life.

But the transplant failed. His kidney failed his sister.

Guilt was the strongest emotion he felt for a long time. He blamed and resented himself - his body - for not being strong enough when Juyeon needed him the most.

It took quite some time to think rationally about the whole situation; he knew he wasn't to blame. He did all he could possibly do. Some things just didn't work out.

Jungkook learned a lot of valuable life lessons over the whole ordeal, learning how he couldn't control everything and that he needed to forgive himself when things went wrong.

He grew and matured so quickly over such a short period of time. Even today, he sometimes forgot he was only nineteen years old. After all he'd been through and done for his family, he often thought he was much older.

But now, here in Juyeon's room, he really felt his age. The overwhelming feelings of the day - of her surgery and of Taehyung's disappearance - all came crashing down upon him. Every single lock he put in place to control his emotions was coming undone, everything he harbored was threatening to break through his cracked facade.

And suddenly, tears were falling from his eyes and he could no longer see clearly. His hands were shaking violently as he clumsily took hold of one of Juyeon's hands within his own. Somehow he ended up kneeling on the floor, head buried into the thin white sheets on the gurney. Inelegant sobs racked his body as he finally gave into everything he felt.

Fear. Despair. Gratitude. Joy. Uncertainty. Love. Relief.

He was so utterly happy that Juyeon's surgery went well. Of course, there was no telling how well the new kidney would take, but he was hopeful for the best. Now that the surgery was over, they could all focus on her recovery.

But then there was the dread and anguish and unexplainable worry he felt over Taehyung.

His body couldn't handle the war of emotions inside of him. His mind wasn't stable enough to pull himself together.

"It's okay, Kook," Jaewoo said, bringing up a hand to grip his shoulder. "It's going to be okay."

Jiho put a hand on his other shoulder, whispering soothing words but otherwise letting him cry. That was something Jungkook really appreciated about his parents - they never chided him for becoming emotional.

"I . . . I . . ." Jungkook couldn't even express everything going through his mind right now. Above all, he just needed Taehyung.

Jaewoo crouched down by his side, becoming eye level with him. "Sometimes in life, we're put into the fire. It's unbearably hot and demanding, and all we ask for is relief. When we're put into those fires, we can do one of three things, Kook."

Jungkook met his gaze, nodding his head to show he was listening.

"We can burn, let the fire destroy us from the inside out. We can melt, break down just to be formed into something completely different. Or . . . Or we can withstand. We can brave the flames and defy all odds. We can survive. You're in the fire right now, Kookie. So tell me . . . What are you going to do?"

Jungkook knew what the right answer was. He was supposed to say he'd withstand this trial he was under right now. He was supposed to say he'd not let his fear consume him.

He knew Taehyung would want him to survive this.

But how could he if Taehyung was hurt? How could he brave the flames if the flames had already destroyed the love of his life?

If he couldn't find Taehyung, if Taehyung didn't come back to him, he did not think he could withstand it. The fire would either burn him to a crisp or mold into something he was not.

He couldn't bear to think about that right now.

More tears leaked out of his eyes and then his mother was next to him, pulling his head to her chest. "Probably not the best moment for one of your analogies, Jae."

"Ah, fuck," Jaewoo murmured, rubbing Jungkook's shoulder some more. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Kook -"

"Language," a soft voice chastised from above them all.

Jungkook picked up his head and found his sister, blinking through his watery eyes. She groggily looked back at them all, eyes half-open but seeing nonetheless.

"You all look like wrecks," Juyeon tutted, trying to pull her hand from Jungkook's grip. "Don't tell me you've all been crying over me for the last few hours."

Jungkook gripped her hand harder, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. He willed strength into his veins and found all the courage he could muster. Right now, his sister needed him. Juyeon had to be his sole focus for the time being.

"You don't fool us," he said to his sister, voice raw and rough. "We know you love the spotlight."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." She stopped trying to remove her hand. "Did it . . . Did it go okay? Do I have a new kidney?"

"You have a new kidney honey," Jaewoo said warmly, gently rubbing her arm. "Everything went well. They just weren't able to fix your attitude, but we told them that was fine. Maybe next time."

"You're so funny, Dad," Juyeon mumbled, trying to roll her eyes but unable to do so as gracefully as usual. "So. When can I go home?"

Jiho sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to put her weight on Juyeon or the tubes and wires. "You literally just woke up, kiddo. It's going to be a while. You're going to have to be patient for a few days."

"I am patient," Juyeon muttered as she sat up a little, struggling but still managing. She looked at each one of them before her gaze, narrowed and demanding, landed on Jungkook. "Where's TaeTae? I thought he said he was going to be here."

Jungkook took a shaky breath, calling up the biggest smile he could. "He'll be here soon. He just stepped away for a minute."

She nodded warily but didn't push the subject. Instead, she demanded to know every single thing her doctors told them about the surgery. She listened attentively as their parents filled her in, asking a couple clarifying questions here and there.

After learning all there was to learn, Juyeon asked for some of her personal belongings - a blanket, book, and stuffed animal. Jaewoo and Jiho left the items in the car, so they went to go gather them and pick up a few snacks as well. That left the two Jeon siblings alone together, and as soon as their parents were gone, Juyeon rounded on him.

"What's going on, Kookie? Why do you look like that?"

Crap. He really should've known by now how observant his sister was. "Just emotional over the day."

That wasn't a lie.

"Come on, Kook. You're my brother. I always can tell when something is wrong with you," she frowned at him, studying his face seriously. "Did something happen during my surgery? Is something wrong with me and they're just not telling me?"

Jungkook was quick to shake his head. "No. No, everything went perfectly. Exactly how it was supposed to."

"Then tell me what's going on. Is it Dad's job or Tae or -"

"For the next couple hours, all I want you to focus on is resting. I swear, Juyeon, I will tell you in a couple hours. But right now, you need to take care of you. This transplant . . . This could be the one. This could turn your life around."

Jungkook should've known his answer wouldn't have consoled her. Juyeon may only be twelve, but she was one of the smartest people he had the privilege of knowing.

"You're always taking care of me," she responded, tone highlighting that incredible maturity of hers. "You're always here for me to lean on. But I hope you know . . . You can lean on me, too, Kookie. You're my best friend and brother. And yeah, sure, I was just cut into and sliced open, but that doesn't change the fact that you can rely on me for anything. So . . . Whatever it is, I can handle it. I promise."

"I know you can," Jungkook replied softly, suddenly unable to meet her piercing gaze. "But . . . I don't know if I can handle it right now."

Her hand found its way to his head and was smoothing over his hair tenderly. "Did you and Tae break up?"

Jungkook slowly shook his head, raising his eyes so she knew he wasn't lying. "No. Not to my knowledge at least."

He never even considered the possibility of Taehyung getting cold feet and running off on him. He knew that's not what happened. Especially after his father revealed what he and Taehyung talked about, he knew the elder didn't just decide to run away and never look back.

"Okay," she breathed in silent relief, seemingly grateful nothing of that sort occurred. "Just . . . When you're ready, you can tell me. Okay?"

"Okay."

Juyeon smiled at him, appeased for now, and playfully tugged on a strand of his hair. "Good. Now, let's not talk for a little. I'm a little nauseous and want to close my eyes."

Jungkook nodded, carefully setting her hands by her sides and sitting by the bed. Soon enough, her breathing evened out and she appeared to be sleeping.

His heart felt slightly comforted by just watching her. Juyeon was one of the brightest things in his life - alongside Taehyung and his parents - so it soothed some of his nerves knowing she was alright.

The only thing he needed now was to know what happened to Taehyung.

He pulled his phone out, heart warming when he saw several texts waiting to be read. But then his heart fell upon realizing none of them were from Taehyung.

Where was he?

At this point, several hours had gone by since Taehyung was supposed to meet him. And now, Jungkook was done waiting.

He was calling the police.

But before he could get that far, his parents returned, snacks and Juyeon's items in hand.

"Hey, Kook," his father said, "any news on -?"

"Hi, there," a new voice said, walking into the room. It was a nurse, a man they hadn't seen yet today. "How's everyone doing in here?"

Jiho and Jaewoo traded light small talk with the nurse while he took Juyeon's vitals. He was quick and efficient about his work, recording numbers in a chart.

"Great," he said, smiling at them all. "Everything's looking good. Before I go, I'm told the donor recipient's family wanted to meet you all and to thank you. I can go get them if you'd like to talk to them."

"We're actually the donor recipient's family," Jiho explained, putting Juyeon's blanket over the sleeping girl. "But yes, we'd love to thank them, the donor's family."

"Sorry about the mix up," the nurse said with a smile as he walked out. "I'll go notify the family and have them meet you outside the room."

The three Jeons followed behind the nurse, standing right near the door of the room so they could monitor Juyeon. Not that they had the ability to do something in case of an emergency, but it gave each of them comfort.

A few minutes later, the man and woman Jungkook saw earlier came up to them. The two were holding hands, faces a bit weary but smiles bright.

"Hi," both Jiho and the woman said at the same time.

Everyone laughed a little awkwardly, unsure of how to begin. How did one properly thank another for a gift as massive as this? It wasn't like this family's loved one donated a sweater . . . She'd donated a kidney in order to give a child another chance at life.

The fact that there were people like this in the world - people who would willingly donate an organ to someone they didn't even know - amazed Jungkook. He didn't know if he'd have the courage or the generosity to do such a thing.

So to say he was eternally grateful . . . There was no other way for him to appropriately describe how thankful he was to these people.

"I . . . I don't really know what to say," Jiho began, hand reaching out for Jaewoo's. "Well, no . . . I know what to say but it doesn't seem enough. Our daughter . . . Our daughter has a shot at being healthy again because of the selfless gift your daughter gave. We will never be able to thank you enough."

Jungkook placed a reassuring hand on his mother's shoulder when he noted her fresh onslaught of tears. He was fighting back his own as well; this was such an emotional moment for them all.

The man and woman smiled at each other, tears beginning to trickle down their cheeks, too. Jungkook guessed that this must have been quite an ordeal for them, with their daughter undergoing an elective surgery for someone she had no connection to. But judging by their happy expressions, they must have been so proud.

The donor's father looked back at the Jeons, eyes shimmering under the bright overhead lights. "We owe the same amount of gratitude to you. All day today, we've been asking to meet the donor's family. We knew we'd regret it if we didn't thank you in person. So thank you. Thank you for giving our son another chance."

Jungkook cocked his head to the side, wondering what they were talking about. He looked to his parents, seeing similar levels of confusion in their tear-filled eyes.

It was Jaewoo who finally spoke up, running a hand through his unwieldy hair. "I'm sorry, we're all a bit lost here. The way we understand it is that your daughter donated her kidney to our daughter. Isn't that correct?"

The woman nodded her head in confirmation, an even wider smile lighting up her face now. "Yes, that's right. But you see, our son was diagnosed with kidney failure just a few weeks ago. Our whole family got tested, but none of us were matches. We . . . We all thought our son would die, stuck on a waiting list, before he ever found a donor."

All that confused Jungkook even more. So their son was sick, too?

"I . . . I still don't quite get it," Jiho reflected, mouth tight as she tried to put the pieces together.

"We got the call a few weeks ago. It's crazy how quickly everything unfolded since then," the woman continued on, not at all deterred by the three puzzled faces looking back at her. "But anyway, our doctor called us about the opportunity for a paired kidney exchange. Did . . . Did your doctor not tell you that?"

Jungkook turned to his mother, remembering how she was the one who answered the call that evening. The words paired kidney exchange were never brought up in their discussions after the news from the doctor.

Jiho shook her head, both hands now clinging to Jaewoo. "All we were told was that there was a donor."

The man and woman looked at each other, seemingly realizing how clueless the Jeons were on what was going on. The woman dipped her chin slightly, signaling that her husband should share whatever information they had.

After a few more seconds of silently communicating with each other, the man turned back to the Jeons. "To our knowledge, this was a kidney swap. Our daughter wasn't a match for our son. Your son . . . I think it was? . . . wasn't a match for your daughter. But your son was a match for our son. Our daughter was a match for your daughter."

"But I'm . . ." Jungkook started, thoughts going a mile a minute, trying to make sense of what this family was saying. "I didn't . . ."

The man and woman smiled apologetically at them, clearly at a loss for what else to say. They nodded to each other again, big smiles returning to their faces.

"We don't have any other details from our end sadly," the woman noted, wrapping her hand around her husband's waist. "And we should be getting back to our children. But we just needed to thank you, to thank your son . . . or whoever . . . for being such a good person."

With that, the man and woman went back to their own recovery room, leaving the Jeons staring after them in the hallway. Both of Jungkook's parents were quietly speaking to each other, though their words seemed so far away.

A tingling sensation was running down Jungkook's spine and throughout his limbs. His heart was racing in his chest, pounding so fast he thought he'd pass out. He was pretty sure he wasn't even breathing. Everything around him blurred as he focused on what was just said.

A good person.

I guess I just want to be a good person, really.

That was Taehyung's dream.

All those weeks ago, when the two were talking about their dreams for the future, Taehyung revealed how he just wanted to be happy. He wanted to be proud of himself and stand behind the choices he made - either for himself or for others. He wanted to be a good person.

Suddenly everything was rushing back to Jungkook, pieces of conversations and seemingly irrelevant bits of information. The words Taehyung spoke just yesterday somehow all came back to him in precise clarity.

I'm told these things are always up in the air. As soon as everything's over, I'll find my way to you. Even when we're apart, I'll know I'm not alone.

Jungkook's eyes met his parents', wide and disbelieving. "Taehyung."

His whole body was trembling, shaking, as he finally understood what happened. Where Taehyung was all along. What Taehyung did.

All those weeks where Taehyung said he was preparing for that final presentation . . . When Taehyung said he needed some alone time to draw . . . He must have been going to doctor appointments.

And then the presentation coincidentally being scheduled for today, with Taehyung saying there was no way he could reschedule it . . . That was so unlike Taehyung. If he wanted something to be done, he'd get it done. Especially if it was for Juyeon. He would've found a way to move the time and date of the presentation.

And then the seemingly small details of not sleeping over last night and the stomach issues . . . Taehyung had to prepare for his surgery today. He probably wasn't eating. He probably had to take magnesium citrate just like Juyeon.

Jungkook had felt in his bones that something wasn't right. But this . . .

He never guessed this.

"I need to find him," he said to no one in particular. "I need to find him."

Jaewoo clutched his shoulders, trying to comfort him or prevent him from falling down. Jungkook wasn't sure.

But he knew. He knew Taehyung was the other donor.

Taehyung donated his kidney to a stranger so Juyeon could receive a kidney in return.

"It was him," Jungkook panted, struggling to get his words out without gasping. "Taehyung gave his kidney to that family. I need to find him."

"I'll stay with Juyeon," Jiho said, her voice barely above a whisper. Her hands were shaking as she brushed her cheeks, wiping away new tears. "Go."

Jungkook didn't wait to see if his dad followed. He practically ran down the hall, trying to find his way back to the nurses' station he remembered seeing earlier. He needed to find Taehyung. He needed to be by his side now.

They finally reached the small desk but no one was there. And Jungkook had no patience, no restraint, to wait for someone to return.

He took off, eyes scanning the doorway of each recovery room. Some rooms had patients' last names on them, others did not. Some rooms he could see into with violating anyone's privacy, others he could not. But he did what he could, looking at each and every single room he encountered.

All of Jungkook's senses were clouded by thoughts of Taehyung and he was barely able to move forward without stumbling. He could hear Taehyung's laugh, see his bright smile, smell his soap. He remembered the feel of Taehyung's skin against his own, the taste of his lips.

He needed to find Taehyung, to see with his own eyes that he was living and breathing and okay. He would not stop until he did that.

"Jungkook," his dad called out from behind him, "I'll go find someone to help. Just wait here."

But there was no chance in hell that Jungkook was going to sit still now. Not when he knew Taehyung was here, potentially on this floor, recovering from a major surgery . . .

He walked by a room, scanning over a patient with a dark mop of hair, laying down on one of those tiny gurneys. He prepared to continue on with his search, but that gut instinct of his told him to look again.

And there he was.

Jungkook froze in the doorway, breathing uneven and shallow. His legs were like jelly and he was surprised he hadn't collapsed yet. His jaw was clenched but still quivering. His whole fucking body was a mess.

But he didn't care. He was looking at Taehyung.

Eyes closed peacefully, tubes sticking out from his hands and arms, chest softly rising and falling.

Taehyung.

Jungkook took a step into the room, hand raising, reaching out towards his love, when a voice sounded behind him.

"I'm sorry," a nurse intoned, jerking his thumb back into the hallway. It was the male nurse from earlier, who knew full well they didn't belong in this room. "You can't -"

"He's my fiancé."

Jungkook didn't even wait to hear the nurse's response as he strode into the room. He could hear Jaewoo speaking with the man in the hallway, but he tuned all of that out.

All of his awareness and focus was locked on Taehyung.

"Tae."

He fell beside Taehyung's sleeping figure, buried his head under his arms, and broke down.

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》 V A L E N W R I T I N G 《

A paired kidney exchange occurs when a living kidney donor is incompatible with their intended recipient. The donor then exchanges kidneys with another donor/recipient pair. Two live donor transplants occur at the same time, so for example:

¤ Tae's kidney ↠ Other family's son
¤ Other family's daughter's kidney ↠ Juyeon

But PHEW! We know where Tae is!! Don't worry, there is still more to come on all this. I've been sitting on this plot point for SUCH A LONG TIME. You guys have no idea how good it feels to get it out there! And for some of my new readers (just to know for future reference), I don't write sad endings!!

As many of you guys know by now, I love writing books where you guys can go back and pick up on small details I left in previous chapters. Now that you know what Tae did, you'll find details ever since Tae's call in Chapter 39 that reveals some of his thinking about everything.

Love you all - tell me what you thought about this!!