¤ Mercury
Sleeping at Last ↲

I know the further I go,
The harder I try, only keeps my eyes closed.
And somehow I've fallen in love
With this middle ground at the cost of my soul.
Yet I know, if I stepped aside,
Released the controls, you would open my eyes.
That somehow, all of this mess
Is just an attempt to know the worth of my life.

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

"Tilt your head to the side. I want to capture all the hickeys on your neck."

Taehyung and Jungkook were behind the university's main building, settled on that hill which overlooked the mountains. After their power nap - which lasted for two hours - Taehyung pulled the younger out of bed and brought him up here. He found it funny how they always ended up at this spot or at the lake, two locations that were so close to home. But it seemed fitting - these scenic places were tucked away from the world, somewhere only they went.

"You're such a pig," Taehyung laughed, leaning back on his arms and stretching out his legs.

Jungkook crouched down in front of him, trying to find the perfect angle. "I'm just your tatted-up, muscle pig, paparazzi of a boyfriend reporting for duty."

As soon as they arrived, Jungkook pulled out his phone and started taking pictures of Taehyung. The younger claimed it was because of how pretty he looked today - tousled hair and love melting the chocolate of his eyes - but Taehyung knew better.

He knew Jungkook better.

"You just want proof of this," Taehyung emphasized, pointing to his red and splotchy neck. He slightly gasped as he ran his fingers over his skin - it was quite sensitive. "I don't remember you leaving this many."

Jungkook appraised one of the pictures before returning his attention to Taehyung. "You were a little preoccupied with some other sensations, baby."

A challenging gleam rose to the younger's eyes, a look which Taehyung knew meant he was trying to get a reaction out of him. He smirked, loving this playful side of Jungkook.

So he decided to play along. "New sensations for you, too, Kook. Tell me . . . How did I feel in your hand?"

Jungkook's lips popped open, a soft inhale sucked in between. It was clear he was thinking back to the events of the morning, remembering all that occurred. He quickly pocketed his phone and sat right in front of Taehyung, leaning in close.

"You wanna know?" Jungkook whispered lowly, lips close to Taehyung's yet just out of reach. "You felt hard, and hot, and so fucking thick, and -"

Taehyung rose up and pulled the younger's head down, mouths colliding and slotting together. He worked his lips over Jungkook's slowly, teasing and tasting the other boy until he was putty beneath him. A small whimper left one of their mouths, though Taehyung wasn't who it came from as he was pulled deeper and deeper.

Taehyung broke away, eyes trained on the pouty smoothness of Jungkook's mouth. "We probably shouldn't get too risqué out in the open. I know we've never seen anyone up here, though we don't want to push our luck."

Jungkook chuckled, brushing hair off his forehead as he settled down next to Taehyung. "So what I'm hearing is that you're not into exhibitionism?"

A loud laugh left Taehyung's chest at the question. "Not yet at least. But who knows . . . we can talk about that some more soon."

"First the spanking and now this. I don't know what's next and I love it." Jungkook winked at him, his whole face alight with joy.

Taehyung shook his head in amusement, so incredibly happy and at ease. A sense of pride and gratitude hovered over him; he was still amazed at what he accomplished over the last twenty four hours.

Love and trust. Intimacy and exploration. Touch and pleasure.

All these revelations and milestones proved that he truly could move forward, he could heal and become anything he wanted to be.

While the memories and flashbacks of his trauma still existed, he was actively working on pushing those aside. He'd never forget what happened - nor was he even trying to, for that matter - though he didn't want his past ruling his present any longer. As he progressed with his more positive mindset, he found the negativity and fear faded into the background far easier than ever before.

And with his changed mindset, Taehyung worked hard to remember the fundamental truths he once had forgotten:

He deserved to be safe.

He deserved to be loved.

He deserved to feel pleasure.

He deserved to make his own choices.

He deserved to have his decisions be respected.

With Jungkook, he experienced all of these things. And now, he was beginning to experience all of this on his own, too. As the younger told him earlier, the strength and willingness to grow was always within him.

Taehyung was capable all along.

Now he was realizing he was safe within his own body. He was trying to love himself more and be open to receiving pleasure. He knew he could make his own choices and find people who would respect those decisions.

And all of these things, these fundamental needs all human beings deserved to have, no longer seemed out of reach.

Taehyung was reclaiming them all.

"You look like you're mulling something over," Jungkook interjected his thoughts softly. "Are you already reconsidering the whole exhibitionism thing?"

"I can't wait until we have our sex talk," Taehyung said, purposely licking his bottom lip to drive the younger crazy. After the success of their morning explorations, he knew that talk would occur soon.

"Yeah?" Jungkook mumbled, big and dark eyes locked on his mouth.

"Yeah. That way I can learn all your kinks and tease you endlessly. Or try them. Who knows."

Jungkook was snapped out of his spell at those words, a big smile spreading over his face. He rested his hand on Taehyung's thigh, rubbing lightly. "Kim Taehyung, you continue to surprise me. And that's just another reason why I love you."

They relaxed on the hill until the sun slowly started it's descent downward. With the cooling temperatures and the rising breeze, the two boys knew they had to head back soon. Work and classes resumed the following day, however, and Jungkook and Taehyung were reluctant to say goodbye to each other just yet.

Taehyung offered to drive Jungkook home whenever he wanted, though he wished he didn't have to. He loved having the younger in his space . . . With him around, his apartment felt a lot more like home.

"You know," he started, brushing back a lock of Jungkook's hair. "If you want to stay over the nights before work, I'd love to have you. It makes sense since your job is on campus and that way you'll save on commute time."

Jungkook smiled at him softly. "Are you asking me to move in?"

It didn't even register to Taehyung that his offer could be perceived that way. "I . . . I mean, not . . . But that sounds really nice . . ."

Was he asking Jungkook to move in? Was that what he was doing?

Kind of.

He wasn't sure if it was too early in their relationship for that or not. All he knew was that he'd absolutely love to wake up and go to sleep each night with Jungkook in his arms.

"Yes," Taehyung amended, his mouth widening into a big smile. "I'm asking you to move in with me."

Jungkook still wore a soft smile of his own, but his eyes turned sad and remorseful. "I don't think I can, Tae."

There was a melancholy note to his voice that Taehyung didn't understand. Yeah, this was sudden and they didn't talk about this big step before. But the two spent almost every other night at one of their places. Why was this so different?

"Sure, you can," Taehyung said reassuringly, positioning himself across from the younger. "There's more than enough room for both of us. We can even make the art room into a photography room if you'd like."

Jungkook broke eye contact for a moment, looking down at his lap. And Taehyung knew, based on that reaction and the growing knots in his stomach, that there was more to this. That something was wrong.

A dull ache spread from the center of his chest to his very bones. Jungkook wasn't breaking up with him . . . Was he? That didn't add up, especially given everything they'd said and done since yesterday.

Jungkook took hold of his hands, rubbing his thumbs across Taehyung's skin. "Tae . . . Moving in with you . . . Fuck, I want that so much. But I don't think that's something I can do right now. I need to be home with my family, too."

The knots in Taehyung's stomach slightly eased, though he wasn't completely relieved of his apprehension just yet. "I get it, Kook. And I never want you to feel obligated to spend time with me instead of your family. It's all about balance, right?"

And even though Taehyung was trying to reassure the younger, moisture was pooling in Jungkook's eyes.

"Kook? What's wrong, love?"

A single tear fell down Jungkook's cheek and he squeezed Taehyung's hands tighter. "Juyeon's sick, Tae. And not an under-the-weather sort of sick. A big, incurable sick."

Sick.

Sick?

Juyeon was sick?

"Juyeon . . . What do you mean she's sick?" Taehyung asked, unable to process that the beautiful, spunky, little girl whom he was coming to love was sick.

"She has chronic kidney disease," Jungkook explained, voice hoarse with sadness and a bit of anger. "She was diagnosed a couple years ago."

And that's when everything pieced itself together in Taehyung's mind.

Jungkook dropping out of college and working because his family needed money.

Jungkook's father working in a foreign factory for better opportunities.

Juyeon taking pills with breakfast and saying cryptic things about not having time.

Everything was linked back to that little girl and the means her family would go to help her.

He took a shaky breath, not wanting to lose it right now. Jungkook needed him. "So what does that mean? What is chronic kidney disease?"

"Her kidneys don't work as they should, which is bad because kidneys remove waste and regulate fluid levels in the body." Jungkook sounded slightly scripted, like he knew these facts like the back of his hand. "She's been getting worse over the last few months."

Taehyung nodded, though he still didn't quite understand. "Okay . . . Does she have doctors? What do they say? How can we help her?"

"At this point, if things don't look up, she'll have to go on dialysis. But Juyeon is so damn adamant about not going back on it," the younger slightly chuckled, a sad sound that caught in his throat. "She's too stubborn for her own good."

Taehyung tried to smile, but his lips locked up and it turned more into a grimace. "Can she get a new kidney? Or two? I don't know how it works."

"She had a transplant, Tae . . . Maybe about a year ago? But the doctors think it could be failing. They upped her medication and so far it's been working, but I . . . I don't know."

Taehyung pulled the younger into his body, one hand going into his hair and the other soothing up and down his back. He spoke quiet, gentle words, kissing his head every so often.

"I can't lose her, Tae," Jungkook whispered, deep pain weighing down his usually light tone. "And sometimes I can't help but think it's my fault. So I do everything I can to be there for her and make her life as good as possible."

"Kookie, why would something like this be your fault? You didn't do this to her."

Jungkook leaned back, pulling out of Taehyung's arms just enough to take hold of his hand. Once he had it, he pressed his palm against his ribs. "I was an exact match. I was supposed to save her."

And with his hand on the younger's side, right where that scar was, Taehyung knew. "You gave her your kidney."

"I was supposed to save her," Jungkook repeated, more tears flowing down his cheeks. "I'm her big brother . . . That was my job."

Taehyung's heart broke for Jungkook, it broke for Juyeon and the entire Jeon family. He wished there was something he could do to magically make her better, to help her be the energetic, carefree girl she was supposed to be.

But he didn't know how. All he could do was be there for them.

"Kook, you are the best big brother out there," Taehyung murmured, cupping the boy's cheek. "You are selfless and giving, never asking anything for yourself. You always put other people first and that's so inspiring to me. All these qualities are just another few of the reasons why I love you. You put your all into everything for those you love. I've felt it and I know your family has as well. So please don't blame yourself, love. You did so much more than anyone else would have."

The younger bit his lip, teeth almost piercing the skin there. So with his thumb, Taehyung gently pulled it out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. Juyeon told me to let you know a while back, but that was big news. I . . . I . . ."

"You had to trust me," Taehyung finished for him. "If anyone gets it, it's me. And I completely understand why you want to stay home, Kook. I want you to know I'm not upset about that. Not at all."

Jungkook kissed his palm, the last of his tears drying up. "Thank you, Tae. Just . . . thank you for understanding."

Taehyung let Jungkook lay his head in his lap after that. Softly, he stroked his fingers through the younger's hair, trying to give him any comfort he could. His thoughts were wild and turbulent, saddened and angry. That was something he'd have to sort out later. But for now, there was just one thing he needed to do.

"Kook?" He broke their silence. "Can I talk to her? Can I go see her?"

Jungkook easily agreed, and after quickly stopping at Taehyung's apartment, they made their way to his house. The car ride was quiet, though they kept their hands linked the entire time. That was enough to convey all the words they didn't speak.

Once they arrived, Taehyung waited for Jungkook to unlock the front door, trying to figure out what he wanted to say to Juyeon. He was never good in these situations; he felt so useless and unprepared.

But he didn't have much time to make a plan as they went inside and Juyeon came skipping into the room.

"TaeTae!" She exclaimed, running to him with glee.

Taehyung sank down immediately, wrapping his arms around her body. Were twelve year olds supposed to feel this thin and fragile?

Juyeon stepped back and smiled at him, though it dropped slightly when she took in his face. "So Kookie finally told you, huh?"

He nodded, meeting her eyes and trying not to lose it. "Yeah."

"It was about time," she huffed, hands going on her hips. "I was starting to wonder if I'd have to take matters into my own hands."

"Juyeon, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do -"

"Tae," she interjected softly, placing her hands on his shoulders. "This has been my life for years now. Nothing's changed for me. The only thing that's changed is that you know now. And yeah, it sucks. But I don't want to waste my life asking why this happened to me. I don't want you to do that either. So even though you know, I'm still the same person and you don't have to treat me any differently. Does that make sense?"

And to Taehyung, who could empathize with each and every single one of those words, it made absolute sense. He was so in awe of Juyeon and her maturity over the matter. Without even meaning to, she inspired him with his own demons. It made him stronger and more confident to continue his own path forward.

"You are so smart, kiddo," he said, pulling her in for another hug. "Smarter than a lot of people out there."

"Obviously," she giggled, planting a quick kiss against his cheek before looking up at her brother. "Think I have your boyfriend wrapped around my finger, Kookie."

Jungkook knelt down, wrapping his arms around the both of them. "Juyeon, everyone is wrapped around your finger."

They laughed together, holding on tight and soaking in one another's presence. Juyeon got restless after a couple of moments, wiggling out of their arms and pointing to the television.

"There's a movie starting soon," she announced with a smile. "Tae, do you want to stay and watch it with me?"

"Wow, your own brother doesn't get an offer?" Jungkook scoffed, standing up and ruffling her hair.

Juyeon stuck out her tongue and made her way to the couch. "If Tae stays, you can watch it, too."

Taehyung chuckled, joining her and stretching out his legs. "I'm in. What's the movie about?"

"Some drama or another. There's this hitman who's hired to protect a rich guy's son, but there are secrets and lies -"

"Don't give it away," Jungkook interrupted, sitting on the other side of his sister. "I want to be surprised."

"Fine," Juyeon said, turning up the volume. "Stay tuned I guess."

▪︎ ▪︎ ▪︎

》 V A L E N W R I T I N G 《

Might have announced my next story there . . . As Juyeon said, stay tuned!

I found so many parallels between Tae and Juyeon in this story. They've gone through such different hardships, but there are so many similarities in how they choose to view life and move forward. I thought that was really inspiring.

Also, just wanted to drop a quick FYI on my update schedule. I'll still be updating daily (unless otherwise announced), though my timing may change from day to day. A safe range will be from 10am - 1pm EST. These recent chapters - and upcoming ones as well - have been much longer than my average, and are requiring more time than I usually allot! I want to make sure they're the highest quality before I publish, so that's why some may be out later than others.

Also, I'm sorry I'm so late on replying to comments from yesterday's chapter! I had the worst migraine all day and just could not look at the screen. I love interacting with you guys so much, so at some point today I'm going to go back. Just wanted to let you guys know that and make sure you knew how much I appreciate you taking time to comment. Love you all!