¤ Can I
Tedy ↲

Can I trust you
Does your smile hide lies
Can I jump in
And close my eyes
Can you tell me that you'll be here
For all the little things
Can I lay here
In your arms

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Fuck. What was he doing?

Taehyung had feelings for Jungkook. Feelings. His thoughts were consumed of all things Jungkook . . . his body yearned to hold Jungkook . . . his heart fucking hurt when he wasn't with Jungkook.

Taehyung yearned to give Jungkook his mind.

His heart.

His soul.

His body.

But he didn't say any of those things to the boy.

Instead, he pushed away the best thing that ever happened to him. After all the progress he made over the last few weeks - however small it was - he thought he was better. He thought he wouldn't do something like this.

Years of thinking he'd never be good enough for anyone took a toll on how he viewed relationships. Quite frankly, Taehyung never wanted any part of opening himself up to another in that intimate of a way; baring his soul wasn't particularly appealing. So dreams of calling a person his and his alone never filled his head; dreams of handing over his heart never crossed his mind.

It was never an option, a want, or a need.

Though the moment Jungkook entered his life, Taehyung knew the boy was different. He knew that he was different when he was with Jungkook. When the two were together, Taehyung felt whole in a way he never had before. Pieces of himself that he believed to be nonexistent - a desire to be held, the increasing need for intimacy - were slowly but surely growing within him. Jungkook brought out this completely new side to him, a side he spent years believing he was incapable of having.

Taehyung was changing because of Jungkook in the best ways possible.

And for the first time in his adult life, Taehyung was debating opening up about what he experienced as a child.

After he tried - and failed - to get his parents to believe his ordeal, Taehyung never spoke about any of it again. No one listened to what he was saying, so why bother talk about his painful experiences in the first place? Maybe if he was more trusting of others, he would have tried again. But any sense of trust he had was shattered long ago.

As the years of his silence progressed, a small part of him wondered if it was better to keep quiet. He even started to believe that by not talking about his abuse, he could pretend like it didn't happen in the first place.

But it did happen.

Even admitting that fact to himself was something Taehyung hated. Recalling those memories left him feeling weak and dirty, incapable of protecting his own body from predators. He was afraid of being judged or thought of as lesser when others found out. So he decided to just keep quiet. It took a lot less energy - and pain - to downplay what happened and to keep it a secret.

But he couldn't downplay it forever. He shouldn't keep it locked up within him as a shameful secret. By staying silent, he was just denying himself the help and relief he needed.

And he didn't want to play the part of the victim anymore.

It was time for Taehyung to admit aloud what happened to him. Hell, it was time he accepted it so he could move forward. For years, he denied himself that opportunity and he was clearly suffering for it now.

But Taehyung truly did want to move forward and overcome his negative mentality. He knew in order to do so, he had to accept two essential truths: It happened in the past but this was his future.

Taehyung wanted to build a better future for himself so he could chase his dreams and be happier than he'd ever known. He wanted to defy the odds and show the world that he was a fighter, that he could overcome the hand that was dealt for him.

And Taehyung wanted to be with the one person who showed time and time again that he was here for him.

Jungkook.

At every step of the way, Jungkook proved through both words and actions that he cared for Taehyung. The younger never once pushed or prodded, he never tried to make Taehyung do something he wasn't ready for. Even after their intimacy in the car and these past two weeks of dating, Jungkook never expected a repeat experience.

Jungkook never expected anything at all . . . He was just grateful for whatever Taehyung had given him.

And Jungkook wanted to become Taehyung's. He didn't ask to take or to claim, he asked for permission to give himself over to Taehyung.

Taehyung didn't have many significant people in his life, so the fact that Jungkook was becoming the most important person to him was terrifying. He was so afraid to rely on someone again, to be let down in a time of need. He was so afraid that giving his heart to another would leave him vulnerable and powerless. He was just so damn afraid of every single thing he couldn't control.

Though with each passing day, Jungkook was stealing more and more of Taehyung's heart. But at the same time, the younger was giving him so much happiness and contributing to his growth. There were many things to thank Jungkook for, and deep down . . . where his soul intersected with the beating of his heart . . . he knew he could trust Jungkook.

Yes.

Taehyung could trust Jungkook.

He did trust him.

And if he trusted himself, Taehyung was pretty sure he was falling in love with Jungkook.

He had denied himself in so many ways for the last ten years. But starting tonight, he was going to do that no more.

Taehyung ran to his car and drove frantically to Jungkook's house, knuckles turning white on the steering wheel as he veered in and out of traffic. He was being reckless, that he knew, and his revelations would be worthless if he killed himself before getting to Jungkook. Taking his foot off the gas, he forced himself to take deep breaths and to get a grip on his emotions.

After what felt like an eternity, Taehyung finally arrived at his destination. Jungkook's house was dark as he knocked loudly at the door, being quite rude considering the late hour. But he needed to see Jungkook, he needed to be with him.

"Taehyung?" A soft, caring - and feminine - voice said as the door was opened. Lights flicked on, quickly blinding him before he recognized Jungkook's mother.

"Jiho," he responded, slightly bowing his head. "Can I come in? I need to see Jungkook."

Her eyes went wide and she inhaled sharply. "Jungkook isn't here. I assumed he was with you."

At those words, an inexplicable fear ran through his veins like ice. Suddenly he could hear each and every one of his heartbeats, pounding away in his ear. It was midnight on a Wednesday - if Jungkook wasn't home, where the hell could he be?

"What do you mean he's not here?" He said with a rising panic in his voice.

"TaeTae?" It was Juyeon, coming up to the door in fuzzy blue pajamas. She was rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, but something else looked off. Her frame appeared thinner than the first time they'd met.

Jiho pulled the girl to her side. "We haven't seen him since this morning."

Taehyung pulled out his phone and called Jungkook, though it went directly to voicemail. That never happened before. Usually it'd ring at least a few times before he was directed to leave a message. Was Jungkook just blocking his calls, or . . .

Did something happen to him?

"You two stay here. I'm going to go out and look for him," Taehyung told the Jeons, quickly opening his phone's contact book. "Jiho, give me your number. I'll let you know when I find him."

When he found him, because not finding him wasn't an option.

He reassured them quickly before he hopped back into his car, deliberating on where he should go. He called Jimin first to make sure Jungkook wasn't with him. When Jimin confirmed he hadn't seen the younger, Taehyung called Jin to ask for Namjoon's number. But Namjoon was currently at Jin's and hadn't heard from Jungkook either.

The only other place Taehyung knew to check was the lake. On his way there, he prayed that nothing bad happened to Jungkook. He begged anyone or anything that was listening for Jungkook to be okay and safe and unharmed. He practically offered up his soul, swearing he'd be a better person if only Jungkook could be okay.

It appeared something greater than Taehyung was on his side tonight. When he pulled up to the lake, he found Jungkook standing by the edge of the water. With jittery fingers, he quickly texted Jiho and let her know Jungkook was safe. Then he fled from the car.

If Jungkook heard his approach, he didn't know. The younger remained looking out at the peaceful waters, back to him and hands shoved deep in his pockets.

"Kook," Taehyung called out in order to announce his presence. All he needed to do was scare the boy half to death.

He came up closer, still unacknowledged by Jungkook, and did what his body was begging him to do.

Taehyung wrapped his arms around Jungkook's waist, pressing himself tight to the younger's body. His chest was flush against Jungkook's back, heart beating so hard he knew it could be felt. Jungkook stiffened slightly at the contact, but otherwise didn't move. The younger didn't say anything either, so Taehyung took the opportunity to speak everything that was on his mind.

"I'm scared," he started softly, words muffled by Jungkook's back. He pulled away so his voice could be better heard. "I'm scared of letting you in. If I show you this part of me that no one gets to see . . . I'm so afraid that you'll think less of me. Or maybe think that I'm not worth the effort."

He took a deep breath, inhaling Jungkook's scent to calm his nerves.

"It's just . . . I never dreamed of this for myself. People have let me down in the past, so I believed it was safer to remain on my own. To me, trusting someone was a surefire way of getting hurt. So I just didn't. But I realized that I trust you, Kook."

Jungkook didn't say anything, but he brought his hands to Taehyung's arms, which were still wrapped around his waist, and started caressing them reassuringly.

Taehyung rested his chin against the younger's shoulder so he could talk directly into his ear. "I want to be yours, too."

It sounded like Jungkook let out a puff of air, his breath forcing its way through his lips.

"I've never wanted to be anyone's, Kook," Taehyung continued, needing to get all his thoughts out. "No one has ever truly seen me or understood me, but you somehow do. And I don't know if I'm deserving enough -"

"Stop," Jungkook cut him off. He turned around in the elder's arms and hugged him fully. "Don't ever say you're not deserving of something. Because you deserve the world, Tae."

Taehyung brought a hand up to hold the younger's head, fingers tangling in his hair. "I want you to know that I've never once wanted anyone, but that changed when I met you. And I'm scared of what that means, but I want to be with you, Kook."

"I don't want to push you," Jungkook voiced softly.

"Sometimes, I think I need to be pushed."

Jungkook planted a small kiss against the side of his head, sending warmth throughout the elder's veins. "But if you need time, Tae, I'll give you all the time in the world. And if you don't need time . . . if you just want space . . . I'll give you that, too."

Taehyung let his hands fall to cup Jungkook's neck, while the younger's remained wrapped around his waist. "I don't want space. I want you."

They stayed quiet for a few moments, listening to the other's breathing as they sorted out their individual thoughts. Taehyung was convinced he ruined his chances, that Jungkook decided none of this was worth it. He wasn't sure how to convince the younger that he was serious, that he needed him in his life.

But then he realized there was one very clear thing he could do to prove how he felt.

Taehyung took hold of Jungkook's hands and gently dislodged them from his body. Slowly and purposefully, he brought them in front of his chest, hovering centimeters above. He looked at the younger, waiting until they were eye to eye.

"I want to be yours."

And he placed Jungkook's hands directly on his chest, right over the erratic beating of his heart.

An audible gasp left Jungkook's mouth, understanding the weight of this gesture. "Tae . . ."

The younger's hands were warm on Taehyung's body, fingers splayed out wide to cover more territory. A shocked expression covered Jungkook's face as he continued staring at the elder, not missing the importance of what was happening.

Taehyung took deep and controlled breaths, willing himself to relax into the sensation. After ten years of only having his hands on his chest, this was definitely an overwhelming experience. But it wasn't painful like it was when he forced himself to feel and touch his torso. His skin wasn't crawling or begging for relief. No flashbacks of his past resurfaced.

Everything he knew in this moment was Jungkook.

"It's okay," Taehyung comforted the boy, letting his own hands drop and settle on Jungkook's hips. "I trust you."

And it might have been the dim lighting, but he could have sworn he saw tears glittering in the younger's eyes. But he wasn't able to confirm if that was the case, because his eyes flitted shut and Jungkook's mouth pressed to his own.

A faint brushing of lips - unhurried and tender - pulled Taehyung under a spell and all he could hear, taste, feel, smell, and see was Jungkook.

He was safe. And respected. And cared for.

Jungkook broke away and buried his head in Taehyung's neck, pressing the softest of kisses to his skin. His hands were still on Taehyung's chest, though they remained respectfully still. For now, this seemed like it was more than enough for the younger.

"Do you forgive me?" Taehyung asked hopefully, needing to know if he had another shot.

"Tae, there was nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong in the first place, okay?"

The elder just nodded, his head rubbing up against Jungkook's. How did a person like him exist? How did someone so understanding make his way into Taehyung's life?

"And I promise to always be patient with you. If you ever need time, I'll give that to you. Whatever I can do to make you comfortable and to show you that I care, know that it'll be done."

Taehyung's heart swelled so much he wondered if his chest had enough room for it. He peppered kisses all over Jungkook's head and face, bringing a smile to both of their lips.

"Let me drive you home," he said against his skin, not wanting to leave but knowing it was really late.

They walked hand in hand to the car and kept their hands linked during the drive to Jungkook's house. When they arrived, both were silent and unwilling to say goodbye.

"Tae?"

A soft smile quirked up the elder’s lips as he took in Jungkook. "Yeah?"

"It's late . . . why don't you sleep over?" Jungkook asked tentatively, thumb brushing over the back of Taehyung's hand. "And I'm asking that in a very PG, chaste, I'm not expecting anything at all sort of way  -"

Taehyung chuckled, turning off his car as he interrupted the younger. "You had me at PG. Just . . . will your mom be okay with it?"

"Never had a guy stay the night, so I don't know. Guess we'll find out."

They quietly made their way into the house, where Jungkook led them directly to his bedroom. Extra clothes were laid out for Taehyung, who secretly liked being dressed in something that smelled like the younger. It was comforting and familiar, and he had a sense he'd sleep well tonight.

"Come here," Jungkook said after settling into the bed, patting the space next to him.

And without hesitation, Taehyung joined him, scooting right up to Jungkook.

"Hi," he whispered, nose brushing against the younger's.

Jungkook took hold of Taehyung's hands and intertwined their fingers. "Hi."

They fell asleep soon after, forehead to forehead and safe in the other's arms.

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》 V A L E N W R I T I N G 《

Make sure you listen to the chapter song at some point. It is absolutely stunning and I feel like it fit so perfectly with Tae's thoughts and feelings in this chapter.

Telling Tae's story in this book has been challenging and enlightening alike. I can honestly say I've learned a lot through writing this, which is always my favorite part of storytelling.

I think this story is quickly becoming my favorite out of all my other stories (but I said that while writing The Arrangement, too, haha). They all have a special place in my heart, but there's just something different about this one.

I love you all and I hope you're having a fantastic day/night. Borahae 💜

OH! I also posted a couple playlists on my profile, so check those out!!