"No, Rebecca, I don't know when the wedding will be, we have lots to do right now... Yes, we're gonna use your bakery for the cake... Jesus, I have no idea about cakes, Becca, just give the phone to ma." Bucky talks to his sister over the phone and waits for Winifred while he glances at me with a bright smile. I smirk back as I wait in the corner for him, giving him time to celebrate with his family.

"I love you." I mouth to him and he quietly returns it with an endearing glance. Just watching how excited he is to tell his family about the news makes my heart flutter. Then he turns back to the telephone, trying to ignore the loud noise from the SSR facility.

"Hey, mom, she said yes! Jeez, ma, don't start crying now." He lets out a little laugh, his nose wrinkled. "Yes, I proposed to her earlier... Yeah, because of a mission, she got knocked out there, that's why... Oh, she's alright now, don't worry... Yeah, I'll send her your regards... Yeah, I can't wait for it either... "

That was exactly nine days ago, two days before he died. Ever since memories have plagued my mind to remind me how happy he used to be. I haven't left my room since Howard locked me up, even though he abolished the confinement days ago. I just see no reason to leave my room, what should I expect outside? Reasons to continue living? Pity? I don't want to see any of it. I'm not sure what I want besides Bucky alive.

I just spend my time with crying, staring at the ceiling or waking up from nightmares. Steve wasn't here either, but I'm almost certain that he doesn't want to see me. Others have visited me so far, a few times Peggy, often Howard and Mr. Jarvis. But everyone left after a while since none of them could earn a proper reaction from me. Maybe I'm just dead as well. Breathing takes now a lot more effort than I thought and I barely move. I do nothing but wasting time with living.

Why am I still alive? It's not a gift, surviving is a punishment. The only reason why I haven't gone completely insane is Steve. I can't leave him alone, even though he may hate me now, Bucky wouldn't want this. And I promised him to be his family, no matter what. Everything else just exhausts me and instead of the silence in my room, I just hear Bucky's scream in my mind and it keeps me mostly awake.

"Miss Farrell?" Jarvis carefully enters my room with a tray full of food. I didn't know that it was already night. "I want to bring you dinner, in case you forgot it. I suggest you eat something, you haven't eaten for days and it's not healthy for your body." I can feel his sympathetic look on me and stay silent as he sighs and notices the untouched tray of food that he brought me for lunch.

"I'm just gonna replace the lunch with it and leave it here, in case you get hungry. By the way, I've done what you asked me for, Mr. Barnes' family has received the news. Call me if you need more. Everyone is very concerned about you, Miss Farrell." With these words, he leaves the room, giving me the space that I need.

I didn't have the guts to call Bucky's family and tell them the news, I just can't face the blame that I would have to take. They would all hate me and I really deserve it but I don't know how much more pain I can handle. It's the first time that I lost someone and that I caused someone's death, but it's not even just a someone. It's Bucky. And the fact that it's the only person who ever loved me makes it even more painful for me. How am I supposed to live with the guilt that feeds on me? How am I supposed to live without him?

I keep sitting on my bed, my back leaning against the wall as my eyes stare either at the ceiling or the dog tag that hasn't left my hand. My thumb rubs against the engraving of his name carefully, feeling every single letter of James Barnes. My hand starts trembling slightly and the tears threaten to come back but I bite on my lower lip, refusing to cry again. My eyes, which are probably red and swollen, burn in pain.

"What do you wanna do in the future?" Bucky asks me as he leans on the old piano of the music school. I raise a brow and stop playing the melody on the music sheets, not quite understanding his question. "I think you should become a famous singer that everyone admires."

"As if this would happen." I roll my eyes playfully and let out a deep sigh. "I'm terrible at playing piano, didn't you hear the horrible noise that I just played or did it already deafen you?"

"Oh, come on, you're still learning how to play, you just started a week ago." He tries to encourage me with a smirk. "It wasn't that bad. I quite loved it."

"Guys did you also just hear that horrible sound- " Steve enters the music room with a bag of hot dogs and he immediately quietens when Bucky shoots him a glare. "I, uh, I mean I've got lunch!"

I groan, my head lands on the piano with frustration but I end up laughing. "Thanks, Stevie, I'm utterly flattered by your honesty."

The door flies open and for one moment, a short second, I think it's going to be Bucky, walking in with a goofy smile as if nothing ever happened. But instead, it's Howard who enters the room and the memory in my mind vanishes into thin air. A memory from 1937. Without any words, he just closes the door and sits down next to me. It seems like he didn't get much sleep either, the dark circles around his eyes reveal insomnia.

"I am sorry that I'm useless." He speaks up, glancing at me. "I've never lost someone, especially no one that I love. My parents are still alive and I haven't lost a girlfriend that I would care enough about. So no, I don't know how you feel and I can't even imagine how much you must suffer right now."

"Why are you telling me this?" I croak out, using my voice for the first time in days. I can't keep avoiding everyone and his sincere honesty makes me curious, feeling something else but pain and anger.

"Because I think you're done with hearing how sorry everyone is for your lost. Because I think you want to hear the truth for once." Howard simply shrugs. "And see? The result is your actual voice. And I also want to apologize for locking you up, at least your hands healed."

"No, it was the right decision. It was stupid and ridiculous of me to think that he might have survived this." I shake my head, knowing that I would probably have put my life in danger. "Howard... You're a scientist. How long does it take to get over someone's death? To be able to live with the grief?"

"I've seen you with Bucky, so I think that that you'll never get over it. I also don't expect from you to be able to handle this. But I'm sure that one day, you're gonna pull yourself together and be strong enough to live with the grief. Maybe in a few months or weeks, just take your time, don't rush it."

"He's the first person I've ever loved." I don't know why but now I suddenly have the urge to speak, to let everything out. The words leave quietly my lips, I almost whisper. "And I don't just mean in a romantic way, I mean generally. People usually love their parents first but in my case, it was him. I didn't even know what love was before I met him. And how did I thank him? I caused his death."

"Don't you dare blame yourself." Howard stares at me in shock. "You tried everything that you could have possibly done to save him, Steve even had to drag you back to stop you from jumping. I mean, what else could you have done? You already tried to reach for him further, you would have just died too and that's not what he wanted. Or do you seriously think that he wanted to pull you into death as well?"

"I don't think that he wants anything anymore because he's dead," I state monotonously, looking at the ceiling. "I'll forever feel guilty about his death. And even though I know he's dead, I'm still hoping that he's gonna walk through this door and kick you out of my room."

"That's something he would definitely do." He half smiles, giving the door a short look. "He was lucky to be loved by you, you know that, right? He was happy with you and I bet that he was glad that he didn't drag you into death. Barnes must have known how dangerous those missions were and he still followed you. It was his choice."

His words are branded in my mind and I still let out a deep and tired sigh. It feels wrong to believe him, not to take the blame. "What's with Doctor Zola?"

"He's captured and we could get some information about Johann Schmidt's location. He won't get executed, though, he may be useful." Before I can state my opinion about this, a knock interrupts our conversation and the door gets opened by Peggy. On her red lips lies a compassionate smile and sympathy in her brown eyes. "Oh, hey, Peg."

"Howard, they're asking for you in the conference room and with 'they' I mean Colonel Philips. And Steve asks for you." She glances at me and it's the first time that my best friend wants to see me again. "He's in the pub... well, what's left of the pub."

***

London has been heavily bombed and I didn't even notice it. The borough is completely destroyed and I just recognize the old pub where we used to celebrate because of the familiar and eye-catching blonde hair of the Captain. Parts of the wall are destructed, no pieces of the door or roof are left and the living atmosphere that used to be there is gone. I carefully walk my way through the fraction to enter the remains of the pub, the air is smoky and gray.

"You look rough." I greet him when I find him at the table that somehow survived the attack with a bottle whiskey. He sniffles and wipes a tear away which tightens my chest with guilt. He just suffers because of me.

"Like you." He comments when he sees me as I sit down next to him. Lifting the bottle in the air, Steve lets out a scoff. "Why can't we get drunk? It's ridiculous."

"You wanted to see me." I remind him and the guilt punches me in the stomach when I see the empty bottle. He tried to get drunk to get rid of the pain and although he knew that it wasn't gonna work, he kept trying. Anxiety clutches at my lungs, causing me to take a deep breath. "Why?"

"I wanted to check on you." Steve reasons with a suddenly warm and concerned voice and I press my lips together, pain is written on my whole face. Why does he still care about me? I took his best friend away.

"After everything I've done?" I ask incredulously, staring at him. "I got him killed. Because of me, you suffer like this. Because of me, you have lost your best friend who was like a brother to you. So why don't you hate me? Why don't you blame me for everything? It's my fault."

"Because you didn't do it on purpose. I know that if I was in your position, I couldn't have done more. It was an accident." He assures me with a sober voice. "And even if I tried to blame you for everything, I could never hate you. You're my family. It's not your fault that he died."

Hearing these words from Steve almost makes me cry again but I hold the tears back, not letting them leave my eyes. I have to stay strong for him like he did for me, I owe him that. "Isn't it ironic? We were made to save the world but in the end, I couldn't even save the man that I love."

"The serum didn't make us perfect. In the end, we're only human as well." He glances at the table, his red eyes are even visible in the darkness. "I'm not gonna stop till everyone from Hydra is dead or captured. Are you gonna join me?"

I hesitate, remaining silent for a moment. That means pulling myself together to go back on missions again and I don't know if I'm ready for this. Instead of revenge, I just feel a void inside me, a void that is too tired to fight again. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" Steve looks up, frowning. "The Eve that I know promised the Red Skull to kill him the day that she chooses and would fight for the loss that Hydra caused."

"That girl died on the train." I'm not the girl who I used to be anymore. I'm not happy anymore to be Evelyn Farrell because she has blood on her hands. "Steve, I- I don't even know if I want to live."

"I'm so sorry, Eve." He now realizes what I mean and his red eyes are filled with tears, looking at me with pain.

"We- we were supposed to get married. We were supposed to be happy." I can't prevent the tears any longer and it's the first time for days that I cry again. Just thinking of a wedding or the future pains me because I ruined it. I ruined everything.

"I know."

"And now he's dead. I watched him dying. He... he's gone. How can I live without him?" I ask him the question that has tortured me this whole time as a tear runs down my face. Steve takes my hand, squeezing it slightly while he glances at me with determination.

"Hydra caused that and we can't let them do this again. They are about to take over the world and if we don't stop them, everyone's gonna die. The whole world lies on our shoulders now, we carry the responsibility because we're the only ones who are able to defeat them. And I know that Bucky would have wanted you to fight in his place because he knew how strong you are. That's how you'll live, you continue to live in honor of him. So are you gonna go with me on our last mission? In his honor?"

I look at him and although I'm quiet first, I know that he's right. I have to fight for Bucky's death, I have to save the world. That's what I was born for, that's why I became stronger. Voltricity is needed, Evelyn Farrell can grieve later.

"Yes. In his honor."