P H O E N I X

The line for the track tryouts was longer than I'd expected. It extended from one end of the field to about halfway which was unusual since last year it only reached a quarter of the way. The track team had expanded to letting the younger years try out so that was a logical reason as to why so many people had shown up but then there was the more obvious one.

"Where the hell is Jay?" I paused in mid-stretch to glance over at Elsa who was tapping her foot impatiently.

"I don't think he's coming."

"He said he would."

"He obviously lied. Besides, this isn't really his scene." I gestured around the field to the others who had signed up for tryouts. From the corner of my eye, I saw Kaden sitting on the ground by himself.

Elsa noticed too since she nudged my shoulder.

"Don't start." I warned though she failed to oblige.

"He's hot and he can fight. If that's not sexy then I don't know what is." She fanned herself whilst wiggling her brows at me.

"What he did this morning was stupid." Everyone knew better than to get into an argument with Hampton, the hot-headed, egotistical jock. Though from my earlier encounter it looked like I didn't know either.

"Don't tell me you don't find him attractive."

"Hampton?" I made a face.

"Gosh no. I'm talking about Kaden."

I shrugged, bending down to tie my shoelaces. "He's alright."

"You should go talk to him."

"Nice try. You go."

"I would but I already have a boyfriend."

"And I don't want one." I resumed my stretches, turning my back to where Elsa's current project was sat.

"Is that so? I've seen you with Zach by the bike racks."

My face heated up at that but I brushed it off. "That's nothing."

"Are you sure? You know what he's like."

I did know what Zach was like. With his sandy blonde hair and champagne hued eyes he was definitely a sight for sore eyes. And among other things, a known player as well. It wasn't setting yourself up for heartbreak if you knew what you were getting yourself into. "It'll be fine."

She still looked unsure but decided to change the subject much to my relief. "You're serious about this then. Running, I mean." Elsa enquired.

I shrugged. "Just something to pass the time."

"Come on, Phee. You're here because you want to be. The rest are here because of the pizza."

I shot her a wry smile just as a boy stomped past with an angry scowl. "Some people really like their pizza."

She laughed, "Come on." Then taking hold of my hand she pulling me towards the back of the line and also towards where Kaden was. He looked up as we approached him, impassive as ever. His legs were stretched out in front of him, good arm resting across a raised knee. Except now the knuckles on that good hand were bruised, coloured in a painful looking purple shade.

"Hey." Elsa began, dropping down beside him and pulling me with her. "So, what was the verdict?"

"A weeks detention."

"Doesn't that mean you should be there now?"

"Huh. Probably."

Elsa grinned at me wiggling her brows as if they had been electrocuted. I rolled my eyes.

"I never pegged you as the running type." She continued her interrogation. Sometimes I wondered how we ever became friends.

"Thought I'd try something new."

"Surfing with the sharks too boring for ya?"

He cracked a wry smile. "Something like that."

"You were really brave this morning. Defending that guy and standing up to Hampton like that." She admired. I felt the urge to smack her across the head in order to get rid of the stars in her eyes.

"Thanks, I guess."

"Hampton's always been a bully and sometimes it's just better to ignore him."

"I'll take that into consideration." He said dryly.

Elsa still hammered away at the wall without so much as making a chip in it. "All I'm saying is you got away easy this time. You should be careful."

"Oh, he's capable of a lot more." I muttered but it wasn't low enough. Both their heads snapped towards me, Kaden's features morphing into suspicion. "Hampton, I mean. Elsa's right. You should steer clear of him."

I didn't get any further than that or see what kind of reaction he had because at that moment Coach called out his name. He got up without sparing either of us a last glance and took his place at the starting line.

My racing pulse didn't calm down even as he brushed his hair away from his eyes with more force than needed and began sprinting. I got up with the intention to leave, then realised what I'd be giving up. Swallowing down my fear I sat back down whilst Elsa shot me a concerned look.

"You alright? You looked like you wanted to bolt out of here."

"I don't know." I said. "I'm just nervous. Matt used to like this sort of thing."

At the mention of my brother's name her features softened and she pulled me close enough to throw a comforting arm around my shoulder. "Oh Phee. Matt would've been proud of you."

I licked my lips and smiled. From the corner of my eye, I saw that Kaden had already finished the course and was making his way back towards us. "Mind if I skip ahead of you?" I asked Elsa.

"Sure. I'm only here for the pizza after all." She winked at me and I took that as the go ahead.

Halfway towards the starting line, I felt Kaden grab my forearm. "We have to talk." He whispered.

I looked up at his unfathomable grey eyes that could say a million things and nothing at the same time and back at where his hand was clenched, discoloured knuckles only serving as a reminder for my heart pumping too fast. "I have nothing to talk about with you."

I shook him off and took my position at the starting line. I pushed all other things from my mind, solely focusing as Coach counted down. As soon as he said the word 'go' I was off, putting as much distance between the problems and people I didn't want to face. And I wondered if maybe this was all I had.

-

When I arrived home I found a note from my mom saying she'd be back later than usual. I was surprised she hadn't just told Kat to pass on the message. That was the way we functioned these last couple of weeks.

I crumpled up the sticky note in my palms, tossing it into the bin on the way to get something to eat. Seeing nothing appetising other than ice cream, I got the tub out along with three spoons.

I'd barely made it through the threshold of the living room when I heard the quarrel coming from my siblings. "Get the fuck off me, Ethan." Kat growled.

"Give me the remote!"

"You had your turn!"

"No one wants to watch your boring shows!" Ethan made a grab for her hair but she quickly grabbed his wrists.

"You little--"

"Cut it out you two." I dropped onto the sofa they weren't occupying and pulled my legs up, getting comfortable. "It's my turn to watch tonight."

Both of their glares turned onto me. Ethan huffed angrily, crossing his arms over his small chest. "Matt would have let me."

Before I could stop her Kat said, "Yeah well, Matt's not going to come crawling out of the grave just so you can watch transformers."

Ethan's bottom lip began to wobble and angry tears formed in his eyes. "I hate you!" He screamed at Kat and stormed out of the room.

"And people call me the drama queen." She scoffed.

"Seriously, what is wrong with you?" I stood up. My quiet evening was a bust.

"Me? I'm not the one sugar coating everything."

"He's eight."

"Your point?"

I felt something spark inside me. I'd never felt the urge to hit Kat as much as I did right now. "Just because we had a rough childhood, doesn't mean his has to be the same."

I spun on my heel to go try and mend what Kat had done. But just as the door closed I heard her whisper, "Too late."

I couldn't deny the truth that rang in her words. Maybe I didn't believe it, still holding onto the hope that there was still a shred of innocence left in the cracked pieces of our family. I stopped outside Ethan's door as another one slammed shut downstairs and wondered when everything started to go wrong.

"Hey, little man." I perched on the edge of Ethan's spiderman comforter. His legs were drawn up to his chest, head tucked in as if he wanted to shrink into himself.

"I'm not little." He sniffled and raised his head up defiantly.

"I know." I smiled sadly, reaching up to ruffle his hair only for it to be swatted away. I sighed. "Don't let what Kat says upset you."

"I'm not upset. She's just a mean shit face." At that, I raised an amused brow.

"She just misses Matt. Like we all do."

"She can't miss him. She has no heart."

"That's a bit harsh." I defended but had to bite my lip from laughing at his savagery. "Kat just deals with things in a different way to other people."

"Like eating brains."

"She's not a zombie, Ethan."

"How do you know?" He questioned.

I couldn't come up with a response to that so I glanced at the clock. "It's late. You should go to sleep."

To my surprise he obliged, obediently crawling under the covers. I waited until his breath evened out before returning to my room. Not tired enough to sleep I occupied myself with other things.

Having lost track of time I didn't notice there was knock on my door until the person themselves decided to come in. In my haste, all I had time to do was put my hand behind my back but when I saw that it was only Jay, I breathed out a sigh of relief.

"What are you doing here?"

"I just came from Chloe's."

"Close the door on your way out." I dismissed, putting my headphones in.

Jay perched down on the end of the bed and plucked the beer bottle that I didn't hide well enough. "You don't drink." I said as he took a swig.

"Neither did you."

I narrowed my eyes at him and shrugged. "Maybe we should stop hanging out. Me being a bad influence and all."

He sighed. "I didn't come to talk about Chloe. Damnit Phee, it's called being a caring friend."

I winced at the authority his tone emitted, like a child being scolded. He didn't have to be here but even when my back was turned, he was waiting in the background. I had an epiphany of sorts then--about how much I'd never truly appreciated Jay.

He got up to leave. "Wait, I'm sorry. Please don't go."

He stuck his fingers into his pockets nodding towards my laptop. "You finished the track?"

"I could use a second opinion."

"You know my judgements suck."

I smiled, pushing a bud into his ear and nudging aside my launchpad to make room for him. "I'm just glad you're here."

Jay and I worked on the track until his eyelids began to droop. Strands of his hair stood on end from running his hands through them. He did look quite adorable. His head fell to his chest before jolting back up. "I'm awake."

Emitting a yawn of my own, I said, "You can crash here if you want."

He nodded, eyes already closed as he blindly crawled towards the bed and climbed in. For a while, I stayed where I was on the ground, slumped against the wall which would undoubtedly lead to back pain later on. Jay turned onto his stomach, despite the number of times I'd told him not to, and within seconds his breathing had slowed down to a gentle rhythm.

I stood up, joints creaking in protest and left the room. As I neared to the bottom of the stairs the front door opened. For a second I froze, thinking that it was my mom. Then another thought occurred, a foolish one, where for a moment I believed Matt would walk through the door. Then I remembered the dead couldn't come back to life.

"Have you been smoking?" I asked Kat, sniffing the air and smelling the all too familiar odour that the majority of my linen held.

"No." She denied, making a move to shove past me but I grabbed onto her forearm.

"You can't keep doing this."

"Get off me." She made a move to let go but I just held on tighter.

"I'm talking about Ethan. Go easy on him next time." I said, my voice taking on a stern undertone.

"Whatever."

I had half a mind to storm after her but then decided it wasn't worth it. "Just change your clothes before you go to bed and put them in the washing machine." I finally came up with.

All I got back was a grunt and the sound of a door closing. With a sigh I went into the kitchen and took out one of the wine bottles from under the sink, filling up a glass. This time it didn't stop halfway to my lips the way I'd first done, going over all the consequences of what my mom would do if she found out. Now it was a matter of how many glasses I could finish. Sometimes I had to remind myself to replace the bottle I finished the night before.

I didn't know when my head started to feel cloudy. Or when I thought back to this morning when my mom barely spared me two glances in the principal's office. It was all a blur. A small simmer turned into a boiling tsunami. And of course, that would have to come crashing down.

I heard footsteps running down the stairs and it was Jay that appeared in the doorway. An apprehensive look on his face as he saw me crouched on the floor, picking up the broken pieces of glass.

"It slipped." I murmured quietly, another type of sharp feeling beginning to take over. Not from the shattered wine glass but from the fact that I felt like I lost a piece of myself that I could never get back.