P H O E N I X

I was drunk on the night of the accident. Tired, incoherent and reckless among other things but that was the one glaring factor that I recalled the next day. My hangover was evidence enough. The toilet bowl was my close ally for the next few days.

I remembered waking up the day before from a pillow being thrown at my head.

"Rise and shine, lazy head."

"What time is it?" I said groggily, eyes still shut.

"5:30."

"Then why the fuck are you waking me up?" I growled and buried my head deeper into my pillow.

"Because you said you wanted to get into shape and I'm tired of you complaining." Matt poked my cheek. "Come on, we can start doing our morning routines again."

It was about a year ago that I'd stopped and began to hide away in my room, tapping away at my computer and experimenting with all the different tracks. Music became my life, the sounds my guidelines and once I'd tuned myself into the world, I didn't want to get back out.

"At least spend some time with me before flying off to New York."

I turned around. "That's not for another two semesters."

"Exactly. Times running out so come on."

"Go away."

Little did I know that he would permanently.

Now, I tried to conjure an image of his features. One that wasn't blurred or altered everytime I thought about him. The thing that terrified me the most was that one day I would forget what he looked like. That he'd disappear altogether. At least now I still had the memory of him. But even that was slowly beginning to fade.

Instead, I saw the walls of the ward we were in and Kaden's feet stretched in front of him.

"Stop doing that." I knocked my knee against his vibrating one.

"What?"

"You're making me nervous."

He looked at his knee then my still one. "I'm not nervous."

I put my palm on his knee to halt it. "Then stay still."

We were close. Very close. Close enough to fall into an embrace. But we didn't. After holding eye contact for a moment longer, he looked away. I let go of his knee, averting my eyes to anywhere but him. The pristine white floors, the endless hallways, the nurses that went by every so often. But even trying to focus on those minuscule details couldn't stop my mind from returning to Kaden.

I didn't have to be here. In the hospital. Waiting. I could have gone home fifteen minutes ago when Dr Andrews had finished talking to me. But I didn't. I stayed. Partially because I didn't want to go home and face my mom, no doubt she'd been informed of my whereabouts of tonight by the doctor-- and the rest because of the boy beside me.

"I'm going to get a soda. Do you want anything?" Kaden asked as he stood up.

I shook my head, watching his back as he disappeared around a corner. For some reason, a terrible feeling settled into my stomach. I remembered a time a few months ago. Or rather reimagined what I would have seen if I were here.

I imagined a gurney with Matt's body being rushed to the ER. Chloe may have been on one too. Maybe she was conscious, maybe she wasn't.

I imagined blood. Thinking back to what I'd seen of Chloe's state and later Matt when he was stitched up but not breathing, I imagined there was a lot of it. It reminded me of the colour of wine. I'd seen it on my kitchen tiles and then more recently on the rug before the front door. I wasn't a big fan of the colour red. Yet, I still drowned myself in a substance of the same hue.

Mom would have rushed to the hospital, hair flying out of her bun. But then I remembered she'd always used to wear her hair looser before then. Her heels would resonate on the floors and she would speak with the doctor, in a reasonable tone. That was the kind of person my mother was, she didn't jump to conclusions.

That night she did. And she was in the right to do so.

Kat might have come soon after, mom having told her to pick Ethan up on the way. She'd have told me but I wasn't answering my phone.

If only I had.

The seat beside me was occupied once again as Kaden came back, in his hand was a packet of pretzels. He offered some to me but I shook my head.

"What happened to your soda?"

"I'm having trust issues with the vending machine."

"Ah."

"Thanks, for being here." He said quietly.

My head lightly hit the wall behind me then turned towards him. "I don't think I could leave even if I wanted to."

He nodded and turned his gaze to the floor.

"Sam's gran used to look after me when I was younger. Along with Callum and Matt." My voice faltered at the last word.

"She was a good woman."

"Was." I repeated quietly to myself and we both turned to see Sam get up from his seat.

He concealed the view but a second later, Callum emerged from around a corner and was making haste towards us. We all stood up as the detective came closer. His hair was askew and shirt poorly tucked in. His belt with his gun was loosely tied around his waist and looked close to falling off but at a time like this, it was no wonder his appearance was the last thing on his mind.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Kaden run a hand through his hair and eye the exit doors once more. He'd done the gesture multiple times tonight but never put it into practice. I wondered if he would with the detective in our presence.

But he didn't. Instead, he held his breath.

"Hello?" I called out through the house but my voice was barely above a whisper.

My phone had died a while ago, so I plugged in the charger and opened up a bottle of wine. Whilst I was pouring a glass, the screen lit up and multiple beeps sounded in the empty kitchen from voicemails and missed calls and texts.

I saw 13 missed calls from my mom. 7 voicemails from Kat and 6 more texts.

'We're at the hospital. You need to get here, It's URGENT.'

One by one, I started to open and listen to my other messages. Each time I grew more anxious. The last voicemail finished playing and I was back to listening to a quiet house.

The ringing noise from the party I'd come from had died down that I longed to go back just to block out the silence. All of them said the same thing. I needed to get to the hospital right now.

I assumed mom had taken the car since it was missing from the driveway so I had to go into the garage and get my bike out. It was dark out so I didn't realise until I was out on the street that I'd gotten out Ethan's spiderman bike and not mine. Returning to the garage, I retrieved my bike and hopped on. In my state, the best I could do was ride in a less than straight line.

My temple hurt, my nose hurt, my ears hurt. Everything hurt. I felt sick. Both with worry and physically. At one point I stumbled off my bike and towards the hedges but nothing came out.

When I did make it to the hospital, I knew I was already too late. But some part of me hoped I wasn't.

Kat and Ethan were sitting on the plastic chairs, their hands clasped together between the seats. My mom shot out of her seat towards me but Dr Andrews came down the hall at that moment and she turned on her heel.

He didn't have to say anything, his expression said it all. My mom began to sway on her feet but was caught by the Doctor. Ethan started to cry. Kat stood up and stormed away. I saw the words 'I'm sorry' come out of Dr Andrews mouth but no sound. It was like a mute button had been switched on.

Somewhere in the static, I heard my name being called. I saw Chloe limping towards me, arm cradled to her side in a plaster cast and more cuts and bruises dotted around her face. Her clothes were bloodstained. I was confused.

She reached me and again I saw the words 'I'm sorry' come out of her mouth.

But I didn't understand.

It's a strange thing, watching another person's world shatter before you. You feel as if you're watching a movie. A screen separating you from what's going on. I wasn't drunk this time. My head didn't feel like it was going to explode. I was wide awake.

"Where is she?" Callum said frantically. For someone who was so composed all the time, it was unsettling to see him this way.

He clasped a hand on his brother's shoulder but he only shook his head and the detective's face fell.

"I'm sorry." Sam choked out. "If I'd called an ambulance sooner then maybe--"

"Stop." Callum pulled his head onto his shoulder and I saw the glistening sheen over his eyes.

I felt Kaden's hand brush against my own. Keeping my eyes on the pair, I threaded my fingers through his and hoped this night would end.