P H O E N I X

My family had never been perfect. Far from it, but all that mattered was that we were there for each other. And it was like that until, one by one, pieces of us started to disintegrate. The first being my dad--and maybe because I'd gotten used to his absence that the last thing I expected was for him to just turn up on the front door.

After my initial shock had worn off I'd, naturally, shut the door in his face. But that didn't stop him from coming back the next day to which I'd made the excuse of taking on extra shifts at the Blitz. Though I couldn't avoid him forever and soon he decided that if I wouldn't go to him then he'd just have to come to me.

So it was now that he was waiting in a booth at the Blitz with me drawing out the task of wiping my hands so as not to talk to him.

"Do you have OCD or something?" A voice cut into my thoughts.

"Huh?" I snapped out of my daze to see Isabel wrinkling her nose in distaste.

"You've been washing your hands for the past five minutes." She pointed to the running tap and my now numb hands.

"Oh." I turned off the water, letting the droplets fall off the tips of my fingers.

"Are you and Jay going out?" Isabel questioned out of the blue.

"What?" I said, a little startled.

"Are you and Jay--"

"I heard what you said," I cut her off but not in a rude way. "No, we're not together."

"You've never like, experimented or anything?"

"No." I frowned, unsure what to make of this conversation.

A huge smile spread across Isabel's face. My answer seemed to really please her. "Okay."

"Why do you want to know?" I asked but probably knew the answer already. She wasn't the best person at hiding things. Especially her feelings for my best friend.

"Just curious." She shrugged, examining her fingernails.

"Right."

"Your dad's waiting for you, you know."

How she knew who my dad was beyond me. "I know."

"Are you going go talk to him?" She said, pulling out her phone and beginning the start of a text. Why she was bothering to still stand here and talk to me was a mystery. Isabel had never been interested in me, or my life. Apart from maybe Jay, but other than that our interactions with each other were rare, barely non-existent.

"I guess I'm going to have to." I sighed. Taking a deep breath, I untied my apron and smoothed down the front of my shirt.

Approaching the booth that my dad was sat in made butterflies rise in my stomach. I was nervous, that much my already sweating palms could say.

"Would you like anything with that?" I gestured to the coffee cup in front of him.

He shook his head, and inclined it forward. "Sit."

I slid into the booth, clutching both my hands together underneath the table and looking at the man before me. It had been over a year since I'd last seen him face to face. His hair contained a few more grey hairs. His face more drawn. His eyes more tired. These were the few things that I was only recognising now. Last times introduction was brief and didn't give me anytime at all. Of course, that was partially due to me slamming the door in his face.

"I understand why you did it." He said quietly, breaking the silence. I, on the other hand remained mute.

"I'm sorry." He continued.

I was aware of Isabel not so subtlely eavesdropping on our conversation, looking up at the clock as a decoy even when her phone was in her hand. Though it wasn't much of a conversation at all. She'd be disappointed.

"Say something, please." I snapped my eyes back to my father, my mouth going dry.

"I don't know what to say." I croaked out.

Another elongated silence passed between us where I felt a pricking sensation behind my eyelids. I wondered what Kat would do in this situation. She would tell him exactly what he thought of him. But I wasn't her. Maybe that's why he came to me first.

"Why are you here?" I was surprised the words came out of my mouth but when they did, I decided to go along with it.

He rubbed his growing beard in thought. That was another thing, he didn't have a beard last I saw of him. "Well, I came to see you and--"

"I mean why are you here now?" I put emphasis on the last word and it pained me somewhat to see my father's face contort into hurt.

"I--" He stopped there, clearing his throat a couple of times so I took the opportunity to answer it for him.

"That's the thing. You weren't here. Not a few weeks ago for my birthday. Not two months ago for your son's burial." My small outburst stunned him into silence that it took a while to respond.

"It was too painful. Coming back. I. . . I couldn't bear the thought." He pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled deeply.

"That's no excuse." I muttered bitterly though with less conviction in my tone than before. "Mom needed you. So did Kat and Ethan and you abandoned them--"

"No, please."

"--your son died and you couldn't come to his funeral because you were hurting?"

"Phoenix, if you just--"

"Well guess what, dad. We were all hurting." I choked a little towards the end but carried on. "We were all in pain. We were all missing Matt, feeling the hole in our lives but at least we were there together." I inhaled deeply, realising I was on the verge of yelling. "You know what, I pity you. I pity that you had to go through that alone. And the thing is, you alone made that choice."

With my last word I stood up, my hands now clenched into fists. I took one last glance at his shocked expression, wondering what it was he was shocked about since all I'd done was state what he'd done, and walked away.

I walked passed Isabel who made a move to intercept my course but decided against it in the end. I walked until I couldn't see which direction I was going in. I walked until I found a room that I could close and let my tears out.

The sound of something clattering startled me and I looked up to see a blurry figure by the sink. I swiped a hand across my nose, quickly turning away and muttering a small, "Sorry."

But instead of leaving to find somewhere else that was deserted, I stayed where I was, drawing my arms around my myself and desperately trying to remove the lump in my throat. I heard footsteps behind me and a second later a pair of arms gently embrace me.

I let whoever it was hold me. Even though I knew my tears and snot were ruining their shirt. What mattered was that they were there. The fact that they wouldn't disappear that instance by walking out the door was comforting. And after all the heartbreak I'd endured, it was nice to know someone still cared.

-

"Why does this place have such shitty WiFi?" Kat complained, drumming her fingers impatiently on the white-clothed table.

The first thing she'd done when we arrived at the gathering at our mom's firm was immediately scrounge out the password for the WiFi. But now her attempts were gone in vain when it just slowed down her phone. And she somehow managed to swipe her phone back too.

It had been twenty minutes since we'd entered through the doors and two hours for the moisture in my eyes to disappear. I didn't tell Kat about my meeting with our father. Nor did I tell my mother, even if she did know herself, she made no move to discuss it with me. Right now she was on the other side of the room talking to a man in a suit and laughing at something he said.

"Maybe it's just in this room." Kat muttered to herself, standing up. "I'm going to try another room."

I didn't bother following her, instead remaining in my slouched position up until a waiter passed and I quickly straightened up and snagged a flute of champagne from his silver tray. He was incredibly young, probably just a couple years older than me and flashed a smile as he went. I returned the gesture, my eyes following his behind as he walked away when another expensive pantsuit got in my way.

"Eyes up here, Astere." A voice all too familiar said.

"I prefer this, thanks."

"If you say so." It didn't hit me until a second later that to him it would've looked like I was staring as where his junk was.

I sighed. "What do you want?"

Zach grinned, dressed in a white dress shirt with a blazer flung on top, his eyes already zoomed into my chest. "Nice dress."

"I would compliment you too but frankly I don't find anything appealing enough."

"Very funny, Astere. We both know that's not true."

I narrowed my eyes at him, trying to get the blush that threatened to evade my face die down. "So what does your girlfriend think of this? I thought she would've been coming with you."

"Thought I'd go solo tonight." He justified.

"That's a first." I scoffed, making a move to turn away when he caught hold of my wrist.

"One dance."

"How about none?"

"C'mon Astere, loosen up. This is a party after all." Before I could protest, he wound both his arms around my waist and drew me towards his chest where I caught a whiff of his scent. As much as I hated to admit it, he did smell good. My traitorous body made no move to pull away.

I stayed quiet, afraid of what I would say if I were to open my mouth. He led me into the circle of other dancers, some much older and experienced than us that I felt like a bumbling mess. Zach noticed, lowering his head to whisper in my ear, "Follow me."

Shivers ran down my spine from the slight coldness of his lips touching my ear. His hand pressed into the back of my spine making my whole body tense. "Relax, I'm not going to bite you." He laughed.

Regardless of his words, I stayed that way throughout until he gave up. "Can you just tell me why you hate me?"

"I don't hate you." I said.

"Then why have you been giving me the cold shoulder?" He raised a brow in question which I returned with a shrug. "Is this because we slept together?" I stayed quiet. "Don't take it personally, I don't usually take anything past the first night."

"I think I got that bit." I deadpanned.

"I was curious you know, because there were rumours going around but I got the answers I needed."

What he just said confused me to no end. "What rumours?"

He frowned at me but otherwise stayed tight lipped.

"What rumours?" I repeated, stopping in our dance and letting go of his hand.

"I thought you knew. . . about you and that detective guy, what's his name, Callum or something?" I waited for him to elaborate. "Apparently you laid it out on the table to get out of a ticket."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. People thought I'd slept with the detective just so I could get away with speeding?

"Listen, it's just gossip. What matters is that we know the truth." He continued.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you're obviously a virgin, or were at least." He paused. "That's the reason, isn't it? You're mad at me because I took your virginity."

"You're unbelievable." I muttered, taking several steps back from the douche before me. Any feelings I had for him vaporised in that second.

"Astere."

"Save it." I said coldly, backing away from him and wondering how I'd missed something like this. How I hadn't noticed the rumours but then again I wasn't in school an awful lot at the time. I thought it was because I was the sister of the boy who'd died in a car crash that all the stares were directed at me but now I thought differently.

They were wrong. The rumours. I'd had my fair share of tickets but that didn't mean I did whatever it took to get out of it, much less resort to seducing someone. The most I'd ever done with Callum was kiss him at Matt's nineteenth birthday party and even that didn't last for more than a few seconds. He wasn't even a cop then.

Why had no one told me about this sooner? I thought about Elsa and Jay and the multiple opportunities they had but neither had said anything. To hear it now, from Zach was not just embarrassing but a betrayal that I couldn't get my head around.

Fuelled by a general hatred towards the population of my school, I stormed away. I asked one of the staff for my jacket when I caught sight of my waiter.

He straightened up when I approached him. "Can I get you anything, ma'am?"

I downed two flutes of champagne from his tray and focused back on him. He was cute, with a clean-shaven face and hair styled in a quiff. I smiled a dangerous smile. "Yes, you can."

After that, it was a series of feverish kisses and fumbling hands. A sign put up for maintenance stopped us from any disturbance. The toilets were hardly the most romantic place but I didn't want it to be. I wanted to do something reckless. Something to take my mind of it all. From the morning with my dad. From the chat with Zach. From this party, and far away from here. So I focused just on the here and now.

His shirt was half undone, my dress half unzipped. I felt his lips on my jaw and down my neck. My butt was parked on the counter between two sinks. It was cold but that didn't matter when I tasted the rosé on my lips mixed with the saltiness of crackers on my waiter's.

I didn't know what it was that made me stop. That suddenly pulled away and mumbled sorry at the confused waiter. He looked bewildered as I rezipped my dress and collected my belongings along with my dignity. But I feared that had long disappeared.

Not being able to face going back to the party, I turned towards the kitchen area, ignoring the strange stares I got from the staff and found a back entrance. It led me to an alleyway with bins and other unknown things that I tried not to think about.

I managed about four paces before I gave up. Something wet fell down my face and I slumped against the wall, not having the energy to keep on walking. I wouldn't be able to walk home anyway, not in these shoes. It was then I thought about the mistakes I'd made that made my situation all the more worse. Having my license suspended. Going to Chloe's for all the wrong reasons. Old feelings being dug up. Matt dying.

I couldn't remember a time in my life when I had this sudden overwhelming urge to pity myself. And I wasn't going to let that time be now. So I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I came across a number that hadn't been there until recently. Without thinking I pressed the contact, bringing my phone to my ear. I didn't expect anyone to pick up but after three rings I heard his voice.

"Hello?"

I held my breath just listening. A strange feeling settled over me, like butterflies in my stomach.

"Hello?" He repeated and I didn't say anything until I did.

"Kaden," I said, but it sounded wrong. My voice was hoarse and scratchy like I was talking through static. "Hey, it's Phoenix. I was wondering if I could get a ride? I understand if you're busy."

There was silence on the other end. I bit my lip in anticipation, thinking he'd hung up on me when he said, "Where are you?"

I looked around the dimly lit space but couldn't make out any sign so I went for rambling off the address my mom had said and hoped my memory was good enough. "I'm kind of at the back way though."

"I'll be there soon." And then he hung up.

I shoved my phone back into my pocket and pulled my jacket tighter around me. Then the smell of the bins registered in my brain and I wrinkled my nose, trying to shuffle away but even that required too much of my energy. So I stayed put, thinking about why I'd called Kaden and not Jay or Elsa. After tonight I didn't know how I felt about them. Then I thought about someone else. Someone who I would have called without a second thought had things been different. And again I had the urge to pity myself.

Seconds passed which turned into minutes. In that time my head kept drooping down onto my chest but a gust of cold wind made me jerk back up with a little too much force that I hit my head against the brick wall behind me.

I moaned quietly feeling the pain pulsing through my head. At the same time, I heard the sound of an engine and then headlights appear, illuminating the space and almost blinding me in the process. I blinked a couple of times to get rid of the dancing spots in my vision and when they cleared I felt a warm breath hit the side of my face.

"Can you walk?" Kaden asked, half kneeling down beside me.

I nodded and using the wall as support, I stood up. A step forward and it was then my heel decided to break from my shoe. I stumbled forward but a pair of arms caught me before I fell and had a face full of gravel.

"You alright?" He whispered, gently brushing strands of hair away from my face.

"Just give me a moment." My voice was muffled and I was beginning to feel drowsy.

Kaden looped my arm around his shoulder and helped me towards his car, even going so far as to put on my seatbelt for me. I smiled to myself.

He got into place behind the wheel and I noticed his hands were covered in dark smudges. His black jeans also seemed to be smeared in something and his shirt was in a similar state. There was another smudge on his cheek and I had the urge to reach out and rub it away but instead, my focus was captured by his glasses. It had been a long time since I'd seen him like that. I remembered the boy I had a crush on and how I'd tried so hard to bury those feelings. But after tonight it looked like they were resurfacing once again.

"Hey, Kaden," I whispered.

"Yeah,"

"Thanks for coming." My eyes began to droop as my forehead rested on the glass.

"Let's go home." I heard him say quietly before I slipped into unconsciousness.