P H O E N I X

It had been six and a half days since I'd last lit a cigarette. Not even a week. Almost, but not quite.

Still in my running clothes, I lit the end of the stick and let out a long drag. My muscles began to unclench from the tight knot they'd been in the past week and finally relaxed. The tension rolled off my shoulders in waves.

They say that exercise releases endorphins to make you happy but I was glad for something to occupy my mind. Neglecting schoolwork and having no social life meant that running fit nicely into all the spare time I had. The park was a perfect running track. Especially at this time, when it was deserted with the exception of night critters.

A few months ago and I would have had to be dragged out of bed for my morning jog, kicking and screaming what the fuck-- except now there was no one to scream at me.

My hair was plastered to the back of my neck, imprints from a hand that had lingered there earlier that night. They travelled down my spine, to the small of my back and up again. It was relaxing. I wanted to say wrong too, but maybe I'd let myself have this one. Just tonight.

I wasn't serious about running. Neither was I about smoking but things always had a funny way of never going the way you wanted them to. Maybe I didn't have that much self control. I knew I certainly didn't think I'd even be in this situation a year ago. I had good friends. High school peer pressures weren't the problem.

Maybe it was me.

Soon the stick had burnt down all the way, caressing the sensitive skin on the tip of my fingers. Ash sprinkled the ground like snowflakes. It hadn't snowed in Stonecrest for decades but there was a certain bitterness in the air. Maybe it was the smell of the burnt stub.

The smoke fumes only seemed to dampen my mood. All the negatives of my situation beginning to settle in: It was cold. The walk home was too long. My goosebumps didn't disappear as I slipped under my sheets. Nor when my mind refused to submerge into unconsciousness, too busy reminiscing about a past life. The bumps were uneven on my skin and the impression still lingered there in the morning.

All the signs came back. Like a switch had been turned on inside me, soon I was popping sticks like they were breath mints. My fingers tapped impatiently on the steering wheel as I stopped at a traffic light. By the time I'd reached the school parking lot, I'd run at least two red lights.

Just as I was reaching out for the pack of Marlboros at my feet, there was a knock at my window. Looking up, I saw a boy with familiar blue eyes and a smile on his face.

"Is this any way to say hello?" He said as I slammed the car door shut, swinging my bag across my shoulder.

"I'm not feeling it today."

"Which is the same as every day."

I shot him a wry smile and pulled my jacket closer to my body. A slight drizzle had begun to fall. The droplets of rain peppered my skin, feeling like tiny pinches.

"You know, I think your 'fuck the world' attitude is rubbing off on me."

"Really?" I murmured whilst punching in my locker combination and pulling out my books for the day.

"Uhuh. I didn't do my English paper."

I gasped loudly. "Jason Hills not doing homework? The horror."

"Yep, I'm leading the thug life."

"Well, consider your thug life coming to an abrupt end because once Mrs Walker finds out you haven't done the assignment, she'll eat you."

He grimaced at my choice of words. "You're right. I better go to the library." He'd only walked a few steps before backtracking and asking in a much lower voice. "How are you?"

"Better." I mustered up a small smile to reassure him. "Now shoo, go do your homework."

-

Lunch had become more of a chore than to fulfil my stomachs demands. I pushed my peas around idly, having spent the majority of my lessons receiving catch up work from my teachers. They weren't happy with how much my grade had dropped but I still got the sympathy vote from some of them. For my stricter teachers, there wasn't much I could do.

It was the same with Jay. Once I'd stopped picking up his calls and texts, he'd gotten the message that I wanted to be alone.

"Phee? Earth to Pheonix?" A hand waved back and forth in my line of vision.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"Do you like it?"

I realised then that my earbuds had gone quiet. "Play it again." This time I listened. Jay waited in anticipation as the track came to an end.

"It's good."

"You hate it." He sighed.

I smiled at him in sympathy. "It just needs a few tweaks."

"Forget it." He turned his iPod off and pocketed it. "I've lost motivation to finish it anyway."

This was the part where I would play the encouraging friend, telling him that if he didn't finish the song then he'd fail to pursue his dreams of becoming a rockstar and end up as some litter picker on the streets. But I stayed quiet, picking at the food on my tray. I wasn't very hungry anymore.

There was a tap on my wrist. I looked up to see concern lining Jay's features. "Talk to me."

"I am talking to you."

"No, I mean about--"

"I don't want to talk about that."

I stabbed my peas whilst he came up with another line of conversation. "Have you seen Chloe?"

"No."

"Have you talked to her?"

"No."

"Have you at least tried to talk to her?"

"No."

"Can you say something other than no?"

I looked up at him, pausing from poking my vegetables. "No."

"Last I heard she was going to therapy."

"That's funny. My doctor recommended that I get a shrink too." I said in a tone that was void of any humour.

"She's hurting, Phee. I know you are too but you can't put the blame on her."

"I'm not blaming her." He raised an eyebrow as if to rebuke my statement. "Give me a little more time."

"I have. Weeks in fact."

"This doesn't even involve you."

"You're both my friends so it does involve me. I just think you're being too hard on her."

"So you're suddenly an expert on our relationship?" I snapped.

He held his palms up in surrender. "I never said that. I'm only trying to help."

I bit my lip at the harsh remark I was about to make. Lately, I'd been biting off anyone's head that even looked at me a little differently. He didn't deserve it when he was only trying to do what he thought was right.

"Sorry." I said. An apology was the least I could give.

His lips curved into a smile and he was about to say something when his name was called. Seizing the opportunity to deter another interrogation, I quickly made my excuses, dumping my half eaten lunch in the bin and headed outside.

My legs led me to the parking lot. Dusty and cramped as it was, I paid no mind to the lack of air and instead pulled out a lighter. I could hear the unmistakable sound of whispers coming from somewhere, telling me that I wasn't the only one down here. It looked like others had the same idea as me.

I tried to light the cigarette but after a couple tries, the stick still wouldn't burn. Aggravated I chucked it into a nearby puddle watching as it bobbed and floated on the surface.

Having been unsuccessful in getting a smoke before afternoon classes, I locked myself in my mom's car. She wouldn't let me get one for myself so for the time being, I had to deal with borrowing it.

At the beginning of the semester, I'd signed up to a bunch of extracurricular activities, in hopes that they'd keep me occupied along with running but time and time again I found myself neglecting these obligations. It was harder than I thought to keep busy.

In the free time I had, it was easy to let my eyes turn red. A little concealer would fix up my bags too. No one would know. They didn't need to know my how my head was threatening to explode. How much I regretted taking another drink from the night before. What's one more?

It was quiet. Unnervingly so, that I found myself putting my headphones on, finger hovering over the play button before dropping it onto my lap. Silence was never one of my strong suits. I preferred to have at least something playing in the background.

Now there was nothing but static in the air. I remembered the weeks before. Days where fatigue filled my bones and an endless river from the hollows of my eyes. I wondered if you could ever run out of tears then. When did it stop?

Truth was, it didn't. Not really. My eyes slowly dried and I eventually dragged myself out of bed or the bench I'd passed out on from the night before.

After all, a broken heart doesn't heal overnight.

-

I stayed in the car for the rest of my afternoon classes. My absence would be noted down and my mom would get a phone call but I was past the point of caring about trivial things such as my attendance.

I waited a few moments as students started to spill outside, chatting with friends and catching up with those they missed during their days away. Jay was among them and I saw him pull out his phone. My own started buzzing in my back pocket and I exhaled before answering it.

"Where are you?" He asked.

"Right in front of you."

"Where?" He twisted his head around then back again until he spotted where I had parked.

I hung up as he slid into the passenger seat and pulled his seatbelt on. "Where's Kat?"

"Home. Sick with the flu." It had been really quiet on the drives home these last couple of days without her. That said, it was kind of peaceful not having to constantly tell her to keep her feet off the dashboard.

Jay fiddled with the radio as I rolled out of the parking lot.

"You hate the radio." I said. Jay always complained how all the songs today were so mediocre. I had to agree with him to some extent on that one.

"It's always good to try new things." He shrugged.

"Right, so it's not to fill in this awkward silence?"

He gave me a sheepish half smile. "Maybe."

"You don't have to be so skittish around me." He still looked uneasy. "Seriously, I'm fine."

"Where were you this afternoon?"

"Technically still on school grounds."

"Phee, you know you can't slack off, especially not now."

"Yes, mom." I saluted him with one hand.

He laughed. "I'm only saying this so we can at least attempt to do all the things we talk about. You know, going away to college, getting an apartment--"

"Survive off baked beans and takeaway because we'd be too lazy to cook." I smiled at the memory of having those conversations. It was a sweet dream.

"Exactly."

I glanced at Jay through the rearview mirror, glad he was here. It took two weeks and an aching heart but the company was nice. He understood I needed space.

Space didn't necessarily involve ignoring the person until they got the message but in this case, I had. Staring at the caller ID on my phone on the nights I was too restless to sleep that when the glass stopped lighting up, I got anxious. My room lost the glow from the missed calls and instead of a vibrating sound, all I heard was my own voice breaking. Night after night. Tomorrow, the day after, and so on.

Turning up the volume on the song I was listening to rarely dulled the screaming silence. They stayed plugged in all night despite knowing the risks. My ears didn't melt in the morning but it did leave my head ringing. Nothing was damaged, yet.

The rest of the way went on smoothly. We stopped at the Blitz like we did on every other day. One of the barista's there had taken an interest towards Jay and from the way he went straight up to her, told me he might have emerging feelings too.

I watched through the glass as he leaned in, engrossed in what she had to say. Her name tag read as Isabel and from the bright grin on her face, she was pleased with her company.

Taking a deep breath I pushed the door which opened with a ding. There was only so much mental preparing I could do before I had to come in. The Blitz was a safe place, one that held memories. Some good and some bad.

The warm aroma of coffee relaxed my tensed shoulders. It was almost enough to make me forget about the eyes that followed as I made my way to the counter. At that same moment, the person before me turned around making me almost crash into them.

"Sorry." I said and found myself staring up at steely grey eyes.

His face remained blank but there was something familiar about it. "It's alright." He said in a deep voice and the feeling I had grew stronger.

I watched as he went into a booth where another boy was sat. As soon as I caught his stare on me he quickly turned away. It had been like that with almost everyone these past few weeks. You'd think after a while they would have moved on from what had happened but this town didn't work like that. Until the next big thing blew up, I would have to get used to all the looks.

I turned back towards the counter, the guy with the grey eyes still on my mind. I shook my head.

It was probably nothing.