*told from Alexa's perspective*
"Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke Luke." I call up the stairs. "We need to leave in an hour."

Julia is on the couch, nearly asleep. I don't blame her, it's 5:30 in the goddamn morning. But Luke promised us he would make his world famous waffles with special syrup. We made a bargain with him. He can stay without threat of being kicked out if he makes those waffles today. Honestly, I only ever pick fights with him if I think Jul and I could benefit from it. I'm an asshole like that.

"Where are we going?" Luke mumbles as he stumbles down the stairs.

"To the Helping Hand." I answer. "Also, in addition to the waffles, make coffee. Ten pots of coffee."

"Got it." Luke begins to head to the kitchen, then stops himself. "Why do we need to go to the Helping Hand?"

The Helping Hand is this place on a secluded street where Thoth, the Egyptian god of knowledge lives. He is very, very "eccentric", as he likes to call it. I'd lean towards nutty, but hey, he's the God of knowledge, not me. People go there for help with, well, any mythical problem. After a few decades, he put up a sign reading, "Helping Hand" on his lawn. Today, we're going to try to get Luke in touch with his supernatural side.

"You need help. We are helping you get help because if there's no help you'll need more help and helping is helpful and being helpful helps people and being a helper helps those who need help, and helpers are helpful and helpers need help and help-" I begin spouting the word help as often as I can in a sentence just to be annoying before Luke cuts me off.

"Stop saying help." Luke demands.

"Get into the fucking kitchen and start cooking our damn breakfast!" Julia yells. I thought she was asleep. I was proven wrong.

Luke grumbles under his breath and sulks off into the kitchen.

"Someone's woken up." I tease.

"I wasn't sleeping. Why do you care about Luke having a Patron and all that anyways?" Julia inquires.

"Luke and I are friends. I think it's important that we keep on equal footing." I reply.

"I thought you would want to be superior in every way." Julia responds.

Normally I do prefer being superior, but Luke has reached the level of friendship that we need to be somewhat equals. He isn't nearly as high up in the scale as Julia. In fact, Julia is the top of the scale.

"Waffles for all!" Luke yells as he saunters into the room. "Come and get em!"

                                                            ***************************************************
"Here we are!" Julia exclaims, gesturing to the tiny house. "The Helping Hand!"

"I've been here before, remember?" Luke replies.

"Sorry," Julia replies, "I'm on tour mode."

"Inside, now. I'm freezing." I command.

When you walk in to the Helping Hand, it feels like an anvil of insanity has just been dropped on your head. Nothing in the entire building is organized. Well, the entire building is one room. Thoth doesn't need sleep, he's a god. But instead of Thoth, a woman meets us.

"Welcome! I'm Tia, and I will be helping you today. I'm Mr. T's replacement while he's away. Some family thing." Tia greets us warmly.

I've never seen this woman before. None of us have. Her hair is placed in a ginormous stack on her head, her skin is a flawless dark brown, and her dress is filled with at least ten different crazy patterns. She seems like a good replacement for Thoth.

"What can I help you folks with today?" Tia asks.

"My friend here," I explain while pushing Luke forwards, "Needs some help getting in touch with his mythical side. He's trying to find a Patron Deity as well."

"Ooh, I can help with that. Come here, boy." Tia calls to Luke.

Luke reluctantly sits with Tia at her cluttered table. She stares into his eyes for quite awhile. Meanwhile, Julia and I communicate with our eyes and with gestures. I'll translate.

Me: This is taking awhile.

Julia: I know. What is she trying to do anyways?

Me: Connect with him or something.

Julia: Whatever she's doing, it better work.

Me: If Thoth trusts her to run his business and maintain his good reputation, it probably works.

Well, thats what got from her.

After about seven long minutes Tia looks gets up and grabs a bottle of Arsenic.

"Drink up, pretty boy." Tia commands.

Luke reluctantly chugs the entire bottle.

"Now tell those girls how you feel about them."

"What?" Luke asks.

"You heard. Confession is an important part of this process. Do it or the arsenic will kill you."

"Alright. Julia, you're really cool and fun. And crazy. I think that guys should stop treating you like a piece of meat to pass around. Alexa, you're kind of scary sometimes. And crazy smart, in a mad scientist way. But I still love you- friend love. Friend love. You would be way to scary to date." Luke confesses.

I begin to laugh maniacally, just to up the scary factor.

"Good. Now tell me your Patron." Tia orders.

"I don't have a Patron Deity yet." Luke responds.

"Say it!" Tia demands.

"Osiris, the Egyptian God of the dead." Luke blurts out loudly.

"See, that wasn't so hard. You little ladies, who are your Patrons?" Tia inquires.

"Her Patron Goddess is Bastet. Mine is Isis." I reply.

"Very interesting." Tia pauses for a moment. "Come back and see me sometime soon. I think I'll need to talk to you then."

"Thank you, Tia." Luke expresses his gratitude.

"We will come back in about a week or so." Julia assures her.

After returning to the house, I chastise Luke a little bit.

"I'm so scary, aren't I Luke?" I tease.

"Watch it. Hey, why do you think that Tia lady wants us to go back soon?" Luke asks in an attempt to change the subject.

"I dunno, maybe she'll want to check up on you, Luke. Or, my favorite possibility, maybe she wants see what's happened to us. All of our Patrons are Egyptian, therefore interact with each other. Hey, maybe Luke will die and become a mummy." Julia hypothesizes.

"Gee, that's a grand thought. I've always wanted to die." Luke says sarcastically.

"Yeah, and I'm too scary to be his wife." I respond.

"Wife?" Luke asks. He really needs to brush up on his Patron God and mythology in general.

"Isis is Osiris' wife. And his sister." Julia explains.

"Never gonna happen. I'm not too keen on going back to the helping hand."

"Hold on, why would I be such a horrible wife?" I inquire, just to play devils advocate.

"Well, for one you aren't too keen on the idea of romance or dating." Luke replies.

"That is true, but I think I'd be a pretty good wife." After I say this, I crack up.

"See, even you don't think you'd be a good wife." Luke says with an 'I told you so' attitude.

"Whatever. Hey, all this talk about being a good wife got me thinking. Let's watch tv tonight." I think out loud.

"What does being a good wife have to do with television?" Julia asks.

"The Good Wife is a tv show." I reply.

"Which we've never seen." Julia responds. "I still don't understand how you think like that."

"Well, I'm not exactly normal, am I?"