karugtong ng nakaraan...

the night our friend je brought jay to my house completely wasted, i had a chance to be brave... maybe because i knew that he will never have any recollection of this night.

after je left, i made my way back to my bedroom where i had jay all by myself... i took advantage of that moment... i traced his angelic face with my hands. looked at him endlessly like memorizing his face. i even sent a prayer, somehow to give me enough courage to bare my soul to him...

nasabi ko ba sayo kung gaano ka ka-gwapo? siguro ilang beses na... pero nasabi ko ba sayo na ang sarap mong titigan lalo na pag naka-kunot yung noo mo... pero mas masarap kang tignan kapag nakangiti ka. yung para ka ng intsik kasi sobrang singkit ng mga mata mo... tapos lumalabas yung malalim mong dimple...

i continued tracing your cheeks and momentarily stopping at your lips... i panicked when you suddenly held my hand and kissed it... akala ko nagising ka so i held my breath until i felt your even breathing...

i want to tell you how much you made me happy. siguro kung hindi dahil sayo hindi ko kakayanin... hindi magiging madali... and believe me i know how selfish i sound...

hindi ko namalayan ang mga luhang kumawala sa mga mata ko.

tonight, i'll tell you a secret... alam mo ba kung ilang beses kong hiniling na sana nakilala kita sa ibang pagkakataon. sa ibang panahon... yung pagkakataon na sana tama... yung panahon na buong-buo pa ako... coz you deserve someone whole...

hindi ko napigilan ang mga luha ko.

mahal kita...

bulong lang. kasi alam kong matatangay naman ito ng hangin kawalan

ang sakit pala na hindi kita pwedeng mahalin. ang sakit-sakit kasi hindi ko maibigay yung puso ko kahit gusto-gusto ko... hindi na kasi pwede... you see i made wrong decisions in the past... sobrang mali... at hindi ko na yun maitatama...

i kissed his forehead and whispered in his ear the words i longed to tell him

i love you... i live each day loving you... and i will continue living my days and nights loving you from afar like how the sun loved the moon... an endless cycle of falling inlove with you

then i leaned to kiss your lips. for the longest time i only imagined how your lips tasted. at kahit nakaw lang i gave myself a chance to have this moment. hindi mo naman malalaman...

but then you started to return my kisses, i knew i had to pull back but instead i let myself get lost. hanggang sa maramdaman kong nakayakap ka na sa akin. those arms that i will always want to come home to... our kiss heightened... sabi ko sa isip ko hindi mo to maaalala pero... para sa kin  ito yung hindi na mawawala sa aking alaala.. the memory of this kiss will make me survive a lifetime...

nico...

kumawala ako ng marinig kong banggitin mo ang pangalan ko. kinabahan ako kasi akala ko gising ka. but when i looked at you i saw your eyes still closed. you're probably dreaming... and it made my heart felt so full knowing that you're dreaming of me

jay... mahal na mahal kita... ngayon lang... lalakasan ko ang loob ko... ngayong gabing ito kaya kong sabihin sayo... paulit-ulit... mahal kita...

i caressed his cheeks until i felt you pull me in your arms...

i love you nico... please let me love you...

i knew you're in deep slumber but it still sent me in heaven hearing those words. i nestled on your chest, closed my eyes and inhaled your scent... hindi mo naman maaalala

mamahalin mo pa rin ba ako pag nalaman mo na minsan naging ako yung babaeng muntik ng sumira sa pamilya mo? mamahalin mo ba ako pag nalaman mo na minsan naging ako yung babaeng dahilan para umalis ang mommy mo at iwan kayo? kaya mo kaya akong mahalin kung minsan naging ako yung babaeng dahilan para magalit ka sa buong mundo at sirain ang buhay mo? would you love me if you knew i was once that woman you wanted to kill?

ito yung bagay na hindi ko maamin sayo. kasi natatakot ako na iwan mo ako. kasi alam ko kung paano sinira ng isang gaya ko ang buhay mo. kung paano sinira ng isang babaeng katulad ko ang isang pamilya ng tulad ng sa inyo.

i can still remember your words when i asked you na kung ang dahilan ba kaya mo siya pinuntahan ay para kunsensyahin siya to leave your dad and your answer was — 'no. women like her doesn't have any conscience....' tumatak yun sa akin. kaya alam kong hindi mo matatanggap. kasi i am once her... i was once that person who broke your family.

————

may mga patlang na sadyang kay hirap sagutan
may mga panahong masakit talagang masugatan
kahit ilang pagsamo ang isigaw sa kawalan
walang makakarinig kahit sinong pakiusapan
wala nga sigurong sagot ang mga katanungan
siguro'y hindi pa dapat mahalin sa kasalukuyan
nananaig ang hapdi ng mga nagawang kasalanan
hindi panghabang-buhay na maikukubli sa nakaraan
kahit na sigurado ang puso sa nararamdaman
ang pagkalito pa rin ang naghahari sa isipan

bago pa sumikat ang araw at maghatid ng liwanag
hindi muna ito hihingi ng anumang paliwanag
para kumapit sa iyong mga bisig at di matinag
bago pa ang lihim ay malaman at maibunyag
bago mawalan ng lakas ng loob sa aking pahayag
hihilingin na sa kawalan tayo muna ay maglayag
dahil lahat ng ito mananatili lamang sa pangarap

————

hmmm....

i woke up feeling your arms wrapped around me, your hands caressing my tummy and my back pressed against your broad chest.

hmmm... jay... nakikiliti ako...

i felt you kiss my cheek and then snuggled on my neck while you pull me closer

good morning french fries... sorry about last night

i chuckled and placed my hand on your right cheek

hang-over?

i felt you shake your head

i took the medicine you left on my bedside after i shower. i'm sorry you had to see me drunk

makulit ka pala pag lasing

did i... did i embarrass myself last night?

don't worry. nothing that me and je can tell broadsheet editors to damage your reputation

napabangon tuloy bigla ang mokong

je? — si je? ba-bakit kasama si je? i don't remember drinking with him

hmmm... so do you remember drinking with me?

seryoso? nag-inuman ba tayo?

hindi. pero nagtataka ka na kasama mo si je pero hindi ka nagtataka na magkatabi tayo ngayon sa kwarto ko?

then i guess that hit his senses coz when i looked at him i saw confusion written all over his face. i laughed and held his face

je brought you here. hindi daw nya alam ang code sa bahay mo. apparently, your batchmate who owned the bar kung san ka uminom called jerome when you got drunk. at dahil makulit ka at mapilit na tabi tayong matulog kaya pinagbigyan kita. alangan naman hindian kita eh minsan ka lang naman humiling na tumabi sa kin compare to how many nights i asked you to sleep with me. naaalala mo na?

shit hindi talaga! sorry french fries... hindi na ako ulit maglalasing

huy ok lang... ang ayoko lang baka kasi magkasakit ka, alam mo naman mahina ang baga mo. tsaka pwede mo naman akong kausapin kung may problema ka di ba?

i know... i guess i'm just in a bad mood yesterday i don't want to drag you into it. ganun din pala ang ending ikaw pa rin ang naabala ko

hindi ka naman magiging abala. di ba nga sabi mo we got each other's back... now would you like to talk about why you got drunk?

pwede mamaya na? yayakapin ka pa po ni nuggets... tapos magsosorry pa ng madami kay french fries

no need to say sorry. masaya ka naman malasing eh. at least i got a chance to baby you

then i moved myself to face him and pinched his cheeks while he kept me caged in his arms and gently hugging my waist

pinahirapan ba kita kagabi sa kakulitan ko?

hindi. you actually made it easy for me

huh? easy for you? for what?naguguluhan ako

i smiled. at least he did not remember.

you made it easy for me to tell you a secret...

*****************

note: timeline would be in the past 😇