I don't mean to...

I don't mean to ignore.

I don't mean to stop.

But sometimes I don't understand.

The new things that have started to begin.

I may get upset.

And want to try again.

But I don't have the choice.

You seem to want to count to ten..

How angry are you?

When I don't reply.

Is it because you did it?

Or was it I?

So you can stop reading and go on your way...

But can you stay a moment to hear what I say?

I'm right here. And I've said it.

To you all more than once.

I want to help out.

But that starts with message one.

You all can go now...

To not Remmeber these words.

But you are still on your permanent mark of being here.

And I will never forget it.

If I have changed your day in any way, write no comment... and say it in a whisper.

As long as I have witnessed being around you,

Knowing I had helped.

It makes me smile

And makes everything in life I see...

Worth every brethihg moment

I don't mean to...

I don't mean to be selfish.

I don't mean to be rude.

I don't mean to scare anyone with the haunting fact I could die.

I don't mean it. I don't mean to.

It's my mind that wants me to at times. My messed up mind ready to be done. My messed up mind that can't remember whether I was talking or it was a dream.

My messed up mind that makes me have to show this all to you...

I don't mean to scare any of you.

It's just in my mind. The hundreds of ways things can go wrong.

The nightmares aren't the bad ways, it is the good.

Because I know they never could happen.

They haunt me when something happens.

I have insomnia when I get stressed too much.

It comes back for a few days before going away.

It's odd but true.

I don't mean to...

My family is actually nice. But it's my messed up mind that says otherwise.

I get scares from the real world. I get scares that I'll lose my mom. Lose my dad's patience. Lose my sisters anger and happiness. Lose my brothers to lonliness.

And some is my fault.

I don't pay attention enough.

I don't mean to...

But it is my mind.

It is our minds that make decisions. It is my mind that has changed me.

It probably is all in my head.

That I don't really exist...

Why..?

Why do I have to feel like this?

Because I make myself do it.

My mind chooses whether I actually will eat or not, whether I will sleep, learn, try, be an emotion, be anything I should be...

But Most of those choices don't happen.
Because I give up.

I don't mean to.

But when your hope is gone that someone might love you more than a friend, everything falls. everything is black. everything is dead. And everything.

Everything.

Is
Not.
Real.