This... Was... Supposed to be happy...

Gosh... Just... I've been putting this off for the past 30 minutes... Waiting for someone to wake up so I can talk to them before I started typing it and... Just...

I'm sorry...
I'm sorry guys...

Just...
I feel like I've failed you guys multiple times...
I just...
It just feels like someone shot me in the chest at the moment... Its literally... Because of a conversation...
That... That I'm so stupid to have over reacted in...

I'm sorry...

I'm just...
I don't deserve you guys...
I don't deserve so many of you guys that have let me be a part of your life as your friend... But...
Please just...
I don't know...

I'm still dealing with death from May. Everything still feels off from what happened... Last night when I talked to my best friend about it I was shaking as I spoke, I was gonna start crying, just,

I'm in deep dark bad friendship with someone.
It's... Almost not a friendship because... I'm freaking scared of leaving the person.

I have plans for doing something when school starts... I um... I'm nervous but at the same time I'm ready for the truth.
Um... Which is something I don't get from 90% of people... Heh... Even me.

I have four days until I confront the person again since, it's a gathering out together by one of our friends and... I'm afraid.

I'm honestly afraid to go.
Because... I don't really want to bring my Physical therapy crap that I have to do at night and in the morning,
I don't want to be in a bad mood and then being emotional all night, and... Well...
I'm just scared in general.

It's anxiety but... Oh well...
Can't really fix it...

I'm... Gonna get out of your hair now... I'll put a second book up for the Tags Rants Art but... No promises I'll actually be there...
Mentally...
:)...

I'm sorry most of this book was depressional... And... Basically death...
But...
That's honestly... The easiest thing to record... Because... When I am actually happy... I don't want to write it down and miss a lot of it...

Yeah... I'm rambling on... Sorry...

Bye...
...Alaina...