i need to get all of this off my chest

feel free to skip

I never knew I would fall for one of my closest friends. We've been friends since freshman year and I really never have an attraction towards him until end of my sophomore year and beginning my junior year now.

He seemed like a guy who's was just gonna be a friend. Like all of the other ones, but he's different to me.

He doesn't see beauty and looks, he see personality. He doesn't care about ass or breasts, he cares about making you feel good. He's a great guy period.

Buttt is it me? Am I the reason I can't find happiness?

I know it's wrong to just find happiness towards a relationship, but that's seem like the only thing that would keep me sane. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy around friends and family but i never felt that pure happiness before with them.

Maybe it's about me being anti social? I'm not really confident as you think.

I'll hide behind my friend or just sit in a corner with headphones in ignoring the world and everybody.

Maybe it's the way I treat myself? I feel like I'm a ugly fat pig who just eats and learns.

I have been big my whole life pretty much, and now everyone judges me. I know I'm too big for my ass, you can blame life and me.

Maybe I'm just going crazy? Maybe it's not me but what's in my head.

I think a lot of the time my friends are just friends with me because I'll help them with getting in relationships easier cause their partner cause text their friend cause I'm ugly. I think I can never be in relationship cause I can't even care about myself but more for other people.

I caused everything in my life

Now I want to change it

I WANT TO BE HAPPY

I want satisfaction

I want to be a happy, confident me

DeAnna